Thursday, 10 September 2009
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Why Isn't My Love Enough?
My boyfriend of a year and I are going through some big problems. I don't know what to do anymore, and it's killing me. I feel like I've given up my whole life for him, and I've always been okay with it. Since we started dating, we have spent every single day together. His family.. has become mine. His house is more of a home to me than mine. He has been very depressed for this past year, though, and I have been his whole world, literally. He stopped going to school and was just SO down that he leaned on me and needed a lot from me. And for awhile every phone call we had at night before falling asleep was a conversation on what he needed more of from me, what I did wrong, and what I needed to change. He would tell me that I needed to try harder to be there for him, and I needed to be more for him.
At that point though, I didn't know what else I could possibly do, what more I could be for him. I think subconsciously, I gave up. I would cry and cry and cry and say that I could do it, if he would just give me another chance to. In these conversations he would never tell me I had to do this or he would break up with me, nothing like that. Just that he would stop trusting me, he was about to stop caring and stop trying and just .. stop. I desperately wanted to keep that from happening. I just wanted, and I still want, for us to just be happy. For him to talk to me and accept that I care about him more than I care about myself. That I seriously just want him to talk to me and allow me to be there for him .. because no matter what I did, I never felt like it was enough. I don't know if he made me feel like that or if it was just my view on the situation but I began to feel like I wasn't enough.
I'm at the point where I understand what I did wrong and what mistakes I made, and I desperately want to right those mistakes and be the girlfriend I know I can be, and be everything he needs from me. I just want to make him happy. . but he says he has built up a wall with me. And he doesn't know how to talk to me anymore and he doesn't know how to let me be there for him. That its too late for me to figure it out now, he tried to get me to understand what he was saying and give him what he needed and I didn't do it. And now that I'm ready to and I understand and I just want to make him happy and save our relationship, he doesn't know how to let me.I don't know what to do. I think he is ready to move on. I just want to hold on to him though and be what I know I can be for him.. I just want him to be happy. But I want him to be happy with me. When things are good, they are amazing, and I love him more than I ever thought I could possibly love another person. I am not willing to give up what we have together, or just let it die. I don't want to drift apart and lose everything we have shared together. We have planned our future together, and I see mine only with him. I know it sounds intensely serious for a teenage relationship, but that's because it is so much more than just a teenage romance. This is the love of my life. I want to be with him forever. It used to be that we loved each other and could overcome anything and everything, just because of that love.
Now though, I don't think love is enough for him. How do I fix this? What do I do?
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About the Author
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- From: emilyshea@xanga
- Name: Emily
- About Me: I'm a not-so-normal 16 year old girl, although I might seem pretty average. My life is usually pretty calm, but lately, not so much. I love photography, and I would love to go into it as a career. I live in a small town in Northern Canada, and travelling is my escape. I find beauty in life by looking at the people I love and trying to look past their flaws and see how lucky I am to have them in my life. I'm not very interesting, but I have alot to say. Thanks for listening :)
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Comments (53)
it all depends on what his demands/suggestions were.
I really hate to tell you this, but it doesn't seem like he's willing to let you be his girlfriend. It seems to me like he is wanting something more, and it's not you.
He can only make himself happy hun.
i think i can sort of relate. i've been dealing with something similar and i know for me, no one elses advice meant much because i felt they didn't understand the relationship we had- which was true. but just consider this- love is a little word that encompasses a wide range of emotions. though romantic, it's dangerous territory to love someone more than you love yourself. i think two people need to find stability on their own before they can create it in eachother. no preaching intended. i hope things work out for you!
You can't. I'm not saying this to be mean. I was in his shoes. I stole, lied, cheated. I blamed everything on everyone else. And I just recently broke an addiction to prescription drugs. And, I am going to be 19 in 15 days. I hurt so many people. And I didn't care. Most I can gather from this, is he is very conflicted. He's hurting, and he's not certain what he needs. There's nothing anyone can do. He has to take a good look at himself, and decide if he wants to waste away like he is now.
I went through this exact situation & i know it is hard to deal with, but I think what he really needs is his space and some time to figure out what he really wants in his life and what he really expects from you. If he can't come out and tell you what more you can do for him, then it means he doesn't really know for himself. Give him time and space, but let him know that you will be there when he figures it out. Good luck.
You might not like what I'm about to say, but I'm not gonna be rude, I promise. =)
I think everyone...or almost everyone...has been in a relationship where they felt that way about someone when they were younger. If the relationship does end, you will get over it. It might take months or a year..or heck maybe even 2 years! But you will get over it. And that's when you'll do one of two things: A. Accept that you loved him. Be happy for him despite everything. Or B. Realize you never had loved him at all.
Well. There may be another option. Those are the only 2 I can think of.
One thing is for certain: The feeling of loss and heartbreak will end.
Now, as for what's going on now. It kinda sounds like he doesn't WANT you there for him. But if he's depressed, he may want you there but can't accept you being there. Depression is serious. He needs to go and get diagnosed and then get it taken care of. And then, you'll have a whole new person on your hands (hopefully) that'll accept your love and accept everything you have to offer. And well, he'll be happy.
Love is a two way street. If he's not responding to what you're giving him, or even giving you a small entrance, I think he's already decided that it's over. You can still try, but at the same time, try to ween yourself off of the relationship.
:(
Life's tough
Good luck.
i understand that it really really sucks right now, but the truth is, it sounds like he needs you to let go. and your first love will always be the one that hurts the most, but that doesn't mean it will be the deepest love you ever feel.
you can't fix this. and this is coming from someone who understood what your bf means by all this. HE have to get out of it himself. and he have to learn himself, but no matter what you say or do, there's really nothing more you can do. just try to be there for him. but that's it. that's all you can really do.
Honestly, I was in your shoes a few months ago. I can relate to you, and the best thing I did was let him go. Yes, it's hard and heartbreaking but it's no harder than what you are going through now. It seems to me that you are already hurt, and as time goes on it will only get worse. I thought i was going to marry him, grow old with him and etc. I broke up with him so he could sort out his problems, and give him some space and time. If it was meant to be, I kept telling myself we'd end up together again. This boy will always remain your first love, and he won't be replaced but there is indeed someone more compatible and fit for you if it fails. Think of how amazing he will be, because it seems to me you already think the world of whom your with.
Good things fall apart so better things can form together.
If it's meant to be, it will work out. But you both need to find your own happiness. Good luck.
If he is building a wall after a year then that might be a sign that he is just giving up and you don't want to be in a relationship where you're giving 100% and he's giving nothing. It's not fair that he makes you feel this way or ignores you and doesn't talk to you, thats exactly why you can't trust him because you have no idea what's wrong him. I would wait and see what happens, it might work out after all! But I would not spend another year waiting for him to talk or for him to be happy with who you are, that should've happened along time ago.. Good luck!
I was with a guy for nearly a year where I gave up a lot of myself to make him happy but he was depressed and had a lot of issues inside of him that I couldn't help. I always felt like there was something else I could do to make him feel better but it was never enough. I'm glad I learned from it though - just sometimes, you can only do so much for someone and they need to deal with their own personal problems themselves, as cliche as that sounds.
You are doing nothing wrong. You're spilling your heart out to him, willing to do ANYTHING to save your relationship, yet he is not even giving it a second thought to return the favor. I know it will be difficult for you to let him go, but if he is not willing to hold on then why should you? And, honestly, the more you try to hold onto someone who is pushing away, the more it will hurt. :( It's time to set him AND yourself free.
Best of luck to you.
sometimes you just have to let the person you love go even though it's so difficult to do but sometimes in life, we have to do things we don't want to do. give him the time he needs because he already knows that you love him and still want to be with him and if later he still wants to be with you then it was meant to be but if you let him go and he goes away then you will know that it wasn't meant to be. i know it sucks but sometimes we have to lose something we love to know what it really means to us.
If the things you do ends up not being enough for him.. then the real problem is that he's just not enough for you, because you're doing nothing wrong.
first you need to love yourself, if you can't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you?
my (now ex) boyfriend was like that and i did literally everything for him, driving him to school, buying him cigarettes, EVERYTHING. nothing was, is, or ever will be good enough for him.. unfortunatley my advice to you is to get out before you loose yourself and your sanity trying to rack your brain of new ways to make him stay in love with you, its just not worth the time you are putting into it if he wont put in the same amount back, someone will love you for everything you offer and ask for nothing more which is TRUE love at its finest.
you should start by not giving up your life or changing your life for a guy. It never works. You lose yourself in this process. and then you lose everything.
do a risk assessment.
Dude you're 16 you have your whole life ahead of you. To let a loser like him go will only benfit you later on in life. From what you wrote it sounds like he's already fround someone else that he wants to be with already and he just doesn't want to be the bad guy and break up with you. He's thinking that if he can make you feel like shit with him than you'll be the one to break up with him and he be home free. I say it's better to let him go and live your life focuse on school and hanging out with your friends. Love will come later in your life.
I think that you have done all that you can do. And its time for you to do something for yourself. You can only do so much for him before he has to do it on his own. Guys rely on women too much. And in return they never give anything back. Make yourself happy before you decide to go anywhere else with the relationship. And also I think that maybe you just deserve something more than what he is giving you. I mean look you have been there for him through everything and he's still doing this to you. What is the point in sticking around then? Do whats best for you. Your number one. Everything else just follows after.
Someone on here mentioned that you're 16. I totally understand your feelings and what you're going through. Sixteen is still a young age and not sure if he's your first serious bf but being that young and being in love will cause you to think that he is "the one". I was sixteen once and my first love, I thought he was the love of my life. He was exactly the same way and I did everything to make him happy but then he kept on demanding more. A girl can only take so much.
Whatever you decide to do, it's up to you. But from personal experience, take some time away from him and start dating other guys. If he really is the love of your life as you say he is, he will wake up to realize that a great gf like you is gone and will do whatever it takes to keep you the second time around. Sometimes space is all it takes for a guy to realize that he had something good in front of him.