Thursday, 10 September 2009
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"You'll Be Lucky If You Meet Your Grandchildren"
Eventually it will become a problem commonly known as a mother-in-law, but it always starts out so much more subtly.
For instance, one of the first things that attracted me to my then future fiancée was his devotion to his family. I remember clearly on our first date, we were walking in the park, telling each other everything about our lives and our thoughts, one thing we kept coming back to with him was how great his parents and little brother were. He spoke of them so highly, and I loved it, this was a real family man. It was easy to admire considering at the time we were both at school and his family was 4 1/2 hours away. I remember even trying to compete a little, not because I really was half as interested in my family as he was in his, but just because his love and respect for his parents was contagious, and I found myself wanting to appear just as family-oriented as he was.
Well. That was before they were actually part of our lives. Quite frankly, my darling fiancé is a mama’s boy, and I do not say that positively. I still admire those family-man qualities that I loved from the first, accept now that they are actually affecting my life. I am learning how annoying it is that he has a very flawed woman on a pedestal of perfection in his heart—especially since it isn’t me. I would be okay with it, slightly freaked out perhaps by the baby talk and the “my mom is the cutest lady in the world” comments, but I would just roll my eyes and laugh if it wasn’t for her resentment of me.
She likes me; at least I really think she is trying to since we are engaged now. I am always very nice, always encouraging us to have girl time, always being very respectful to her and her husband and also very sweet to her baby boy so that she can know he is in good hands. But that is never going to change the fact that I stole him from her and she would hate any woman who had the nerve to do that.
I have been uninvited from their house, expected to smile and think it is just great that we have been together two years now and I have yet to spend a holiday with him because it is always “the last time just as a family”—every time. Even though in nine months I will be a part of their family, for now I am supposed to understand and be okay with the fact that they need as much time as possible with just “their family” until the dreaded intruder always has to be there.
I have been forced to take the high road, which really isn’t my style, but somebody has got to and it is clear that she doesn’t plan on filling that role. So when my fiancée is torn and helpless between the two women in his life I always have to be the one to put him out of his misery by saying sweetly, “Its okay babe, I understand, I don’t need to be there, just have fun with your family.” And inside I am thinking, “You’ll be lucky if you EVER meet your grandchildren, bitch.”
The wedding is another problem altogether. She doesn’t like the date, the venue, the number of people she is allowed to invite, the city the wedding is in, and mostly the fact that we are getting married at all. She is constantly trying to sabotage the whole thing, right now the current battle is getting her guest list so we can get Save the Dates out and get an estimated head count so we can make a budget. She is just “busy” and she will “work on that next week” never mind she has had months to get this to me and now we are at crunch time for Save the Dates.
The worst part is, if you couldn’t already tell all of this has really made me dislike her. It literally makes my skin crawl when I hear my man saying to her on the phone, “There is a mom-shaped hole in my heart and you are the only woman who can ever fill it.” Make me puke. I literally have to fight the urge to manipulate every situation just the right way to make him not like her too. And I could, I know his buttons, but as long as we stay a good two hours away from her for the rest of our lives I will be okay. Although my parents always laugh when I say this, telling me, “Hon, you don’t stand a chance, he is going to move you in right next door” Dear God, please NO!
We have talked about it, but honestly the truth is, he is just a mama’s boy, and unless I choose to be cruel, he probably always will be one.
Are all mama’s boy experiences as bad as mine? And is this something I should fight or just continue taking the high road?
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- From: getta_ring_on_it
- Name: getta_ring_on_it
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Comments (31)
my grandfather on my father's side before he ever got a chance to meet me. :(
my boyfriend and his twin brother (especially his twin brother) are mama's boys.
They completely depend on her to do everything and anything for them. They want a glass a water...but are right next to the sink...she'll get them one. It's frustrating because my boyfriend does it to me...he calls me his new mom and expects me to do all the stupid little things he could do himself but would rather be waited on hand and foot.
Last night he wanted "a glass of water...with a lot of ice....but not tape water, bottled water"
Unless you don't mind being in the shadows, and unwelcome at family events. I suggest you voice your concern as soon as you can, before you get married. There's so much pressure trying to get accepted into your future spouse's family as it is, but the pressure doubles once you get married. You want his family to like you, but it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your happiness for it. Being a mama's boy is one thing, but something is definitely unnatural with him putting her on such a pedistal. Your soon to be the number one woman in his life, or at least thats the way it should be. It's time he puts you on the pedistal and let mama retire. Especially if he's agreeing to keep you away at family events... your suppose to be part of them. Like seriously... what the hell?
@AtrociousWoundsBleed@xanga - I agree, deal with it as soon as possible.
This reminds me of that movie "Monster-in-Law" with J-Lo and Jane Fonda. You should rent it and watch it with your fiance and see what his reaction is :)
heh, i've met a manipulative bitch of a mother before. glad i don't have to deal with her (or her pansy-ass son) anymore. :)
i'm sorry to hear about your situation though. =/ is there any unbiased third party who could witness this and casually ask him why his mom is giving you such a hard time? just to make him notice.
I am on the same exact boat, with the same exact bull, but I get the race card! :D
Apparently mommy "used to be" a raging racist and from the depths of hell and back really thinks I am [dare I say it] black. I'm Spanish and Brazilian and cannot get her to understand even if I was, that shouldn't matter. Everything I do is wrong. She is convinced that I am draining the life out of her poor sweet little boy, and that she knows how evil women are, and just how bad this all is for him. His dads girlfriend and I get along, as far as I know, she's really friendly, and that pretty much just sets more fuel for the fire x.x; I am stubborn however, and anytime that woman wants to clash I go at it all the way because I just am not the kind of person to sit there and "Oh yeah fine, you can be cruel and ridiculous, fine". I told him from the very beginning though, that I wasn't going to put up with it.
Fighting it, depends on him, I saw change in my relationship, more because he's kind of embarrassed since his spent so much time with my family, and we aren't weird like that. Maybe have him spend time with your family and show him a kind of 'hey, see, you seem to get along fine with my family, we can have you in ours, were all alright in this environment, why can't I blend into your family?'
As for him mom, do what I did, kill her with horrifically sickly sweet kindness and a ton, a TON of sweet sweet sarcasm xD
In the same boat as you there..my boyfriend is also a mama's boy.
He's better about it now than he used to be though, once we were going to make coffee together and he was like "Wait maybe I should call my mom and ask her how much I'm supposed to use."
>_<
Now he can do most things on his own. He's still a mama's boy though.
This won't be a "just until we get married" thing- this will be for the rest of your life. I'd voice my concerns now.
@cmwcbs10142006@xanga - My thoughts exactly.
the picture they chose for this was PERFECT hahahha
You marry the man, you marry his family. Or as my Mum put it, you can't buy the field without the rocks. In your case, you've got Mount Rushmore. Unfortunately, things won't work out unless you're willing to voice your frustrations and concerns. When you're marrying someone, you should be their focus, not their mother.
You are no one's second in a marriage. Especially not your future mother-in-law's.
Find your voice now. Seriously. Marrying him isn't going to fix things.
Talk to him because if you can't find a way to communicate now, you probably won't find one until it's too late.
Bleh. "Mom-shaped-hole." *gag*
You should definitely talk to him and let him know how hard this is for you...that his mom won't accept the fact that her son is growing up and starting his family. If you ignore, it's not going to get any better. But don't be mean or obnoxious about it.
@cmwcbs10142006@xanga - Definitely. Things won't magically change after the wedding.
I can say a lot of things about the people I've dated in my life, but the one positive thing I can say is that every family welcomed me in immediately. I think that's how most normal families work; I find it very odd that they wouldn't invite you to spend holidays with them from day one. I find it even more odd that they wouldn't invite you even after you were engaged--you are their future daughter-in-law! I also think it's ridiculous that his mom thinks she has a say in your wedding--first of all, it's your wedding, so it should be done the way you and your future husband want, and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Secondly, she's not even in a position to be picky--she's the groom's mother (everyone knows the wedding is essentially the bride's "big day"). Traditionally speaking, the bride's family usually pays for the wedding so you and your family should certainly have more input (I don't know if that's the case here, but either way, I think it's a real social faux pas for the groom's mother to try to say anything about the wedding--incredibly inappropriate).
Personally, if my man was a mama's boy like that, I would have regulated from day one--I am not about to be second best to ANYONE (then again, I'm somewhat selfish and a little controlling). If it bothers you, then you should speak up. It's only going to get more annoying from here, and over time the resentment toward him and his mother will really build. After 10 or 15 years of this, I can almost promise that you'll be at a breaking point, and it's a shame to let something like this possibly destroy the relationship down the line. Voice your opinions...and if I were you, I'd take this bitch down a notch while you're at it. :) If she doesn't get put in her place, she'll continue to try to run his life (and yours) for the rest of her life.
Put that bitch in her place. She needs to know she isn't going to be the Alpha Female much longer. This is YOUR wedding anyway. She doesn't need to be any part of it. Unless she's getting married to her son-which she isn't. She's had him his entire life and she has to learn to not be so selfish and share him with you. And really, you HAVE to talk to your husband-to-be about this even before you get married because I will guarantee you will resent the BOTH of them. Especially since it is bugging you this much already. She sounds very controlling and greedy. I don't know how you could do it, I could never marry a Mama's Boy.
@spitinyoureye@xanga - dump that looser. Seriously.
@LlothoftheDrow@xanga - hahaha you don't even know the half of it....believe me I'm working on it haha.
Get out now, while you still can.
SLAP THAT BITCH! In all seriousness you have to say something.
I once dated a Mama's boy. Except, she loved me...hell, his whole family loved me. They were truly heartbroken when we broke up. The problem was that he was trying to turn me into her.
Yeah, it didn't last. I found someone who is family-oriented, but not a Mama's boy. A good balance, IMHO.
-Katie
@XactiLucius@xanga - i agree, HAHA . well to the first part . and to the second part :) first part more though.
@AznFier@xanga -
damn you beat me to saying that....lol
yea i have no idea, my dad died when i was young but i was never much of a mommas boy, if anything i just became more independent. I don't have a big emphasis on family either, but I think the guy needs to be a little more objective of the situation, the whole situation sounds a bit ridiculous to put it lightly, she has no right to influence a grown mans life, and frankly it seems like shes scheming like a small child.
@cmwcbs10142006@xanga - Completely agree.
Why do guys always play the extreme roles? It`s either the mushy-gushy Mama`s boy or the I-hate-my-family-and-I-don`t-ever-want-to-talk-about-them rebel. You hardly ever see girls who are completely STUCK to their dads. Talk about the Oedipus Complex.
And one of the things I find scariest about marriage is the possible Monster-in-Law.