Wednesday, 09 September 2009
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How Do You Fix Broken Trust?
Trust. There are quite a few opinions of what this is, but I'm just going to point out a few, since I think these are important in a relationship.Definition:
1) Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2) Reliance on something in the future; hope.
3) One in which confidence is placed
4) To believe
But what happens when that so called "trust" is broken? Do you think broken trust, in any kind of situation can be fixed? e.g) A cheating SO, a broken promise etc.
I have been in a relationship for over a year, and my SO has always stressed we must trust each other. I have said many hurtful things, but I am trying to change for the better. But now, he is saying the same kinds of things to me, and says the way I feel now is what he's felt for a long time.
He wants trust, and I want it as well. But since it's got to this point, do you think it's worth it to keep going? Another important question would be, how do you fix it?
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- From: destinyshorizon
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Comments (34)
1st comment! I'm so excited. i havent even read this yet...
I honestly have no idea. I've wondered the same thing myself. The way I see it though is that if I don't trust them anymore, I should stay away from them. I'm not sure if it's worth the effort to try to fix things.
id love to know the answer
I wish i knew
First, the two of you need to stop saying hurtful things. Period. If something hurtful is coming out of your mouth, you need to tell him you'll come back to the topic when you're calmer. And then walk away for a little while. Calm down, and come back to it. And the exact same thing applies to him. Neither of you can trust the other right now, because you both try to hurt each other.
Trust can't be rebuilt until you stop hurting each other. And then it'll take a while.
So the question is: are you willing to stick it out? Because if not, then you should probably consider breaking it off.
-Katie
i don't think you can. not for a long while at least.
I wrote this before somewhere, but I'll say it again. "it takes a lifetime to build a reputation, but only a moment to ruin it." This whole thing is comparable to George Bush running for president again (I know he can't but if he could...). Will it work? I don't think so. I don't even think the republicans will vote for him again... Why? The trust and promise of making the US a better nation was broken. (I'm really sorry if you're republican, but this example just popped up.)
Therefore,
I think you should start anew unless you really think he's the one, in
which case I won't stand in your way. Trust is very hard
to build up again, and often it is easier to just find someone new. The
fact that he has cheated/broken a promise will always linger even as
your relationship progresses. I would rather go and try to
find someone who views me as trustworthy (& vice versa).
If
you decide to fix the relationship, I would recommend a date a week for the
next 365/7 weeks -- places that get your heart beating (ie. amusement
parks. zoo. sky diving. ice skating. biking. hiking... you get the
idea.)
Good luck
My boyfriend now, who I hope to marry one day, cheated on me a few weeks into our relationship. I was understandably hurt and seriously considered ending it, but I believed he was sincere in his apologies and gave him another chance.
So the first thing you have to know is if you think your boyfriend and the relationship is worth saving. if it's not, there's no point in sticking around.
If he's worth it and you're willing to take the time to learn how to trust him, then by all means go for it. There is no sure fire way to gain trust again, but one thing i've discoverd is that proving you are trustworthy, or having him prove he is trustworthy is a good way to start. It's been a six months since he cheated, and while i still have twinges of doubt, I'm willing to put up with them for now knowing that they'll go away eventually. So be ready to be uncertain, but I promise it'll be worth it.
Good luck :)
So far, I dont see any solution to broken trust.. Althou my bf n I seem to be doing well in our relationship daily, I dont really trust him after I found him cheating on me (he denied)...
@Starring_Hobo89@xanga -
you can't just run away from something just because its hard. relationships are hard. To answer your question i don't know if this is going to help or not but its a quote from the book Tuesdays With Morrie "You closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too--even when you are in the dark. Even when you're falling."
Rome wasn't built in a day so you can't expect your trust to completely be back to normal after he has harmed you. But you have to be able to sit down with him face to face and really explain how you're feeling and he has to do the same. You have to lay it all on the table. He's your boyfriend of a year so i'm sure you have been through so much stuff together...don't throw that away because you feel hurt by words that you both have said to eachother. You have to feel like you can trust your boyfriend in order for him to be able to feel like he can trust you. Trust is so important in a relationship
I think trust follows suit after love. No trust makes it harder to love wholeheartedly. If the trust is eventually broken, I think you first have to trust yourself, before you can trust another. Whether you're at fault or the other party is. If you cant trust yourself to trust him/her, then that defeats the purpose of even trying. Also if you feel that the apology was sincere, and that the event is repairable, then by all means trust your instincts. But I have a feeling most of the population would say to move on.
No it will be hard to mend it. Once you start being honest and trust each other it could back fire with a whole lot of questions and there is a such thing as too honest
only time, i guess. sometimes you can't ever get it back.
you fix it by allowing each other to proof you that they are capable of doing whats right starting out by listening to each other without growing on opinions and judging each other before something is finished being said. if the trust has been broken before then base yourselves on what went wrong or why is it that you lost trust in the first place. if you do so then you can then not do what you did before to lose each other trust. try and change things up to make them better. let the past serve as experience where you learn from them mistakes. it will help you see what went wrong and what you can change. be nicer if that's possible. also be less jealous [if even the case]. also be truthful to each other. never try and cover up for something because that only gets the other person angry. even though there are many obstacles in which things get rough you try your hardest to keep each others spirits up. to show that no matter what happens you are there to support each other.
and of course if you've tried this and many others possible ways that you can think of well there really isn't much that can be done if the person doesn't want to change. all that you can do is move on and do what you need to do with your life.
"trust is like a vase, once it is broken it can be fixed but it will never be the same."
how do you fix it? talk things over, figure out something that works for you, and give it time. but again it probably won't ever be the same, whether that's for better or for worse...
Trust is like a rare vase. . .once broken it can never go back to being the same even after its put back together which is an extremely taxing job in itself. So ask yourself, is it even worth it to put so much effort into something that will never be the same ever again:?
Wow. That's what I was asking my ex last night and the night before.
He says the only way I'll earn it back is telling him every lie I've ever told to his face. That we have to be friends first if we ever want to try to make it work again.
I fucked up bad.
yea i dont know really if its something that can be fixed....Im starting to think that more and more that its just who I am. The funny thing is I trust people easily but when it comes to people I love I have the hardest time trusting them....ever since I was little. I feel like it might be too late for me to relearn how to trust now at my age
I wish I knew the answer to this too bc its been bugging me.
i seem to trust in the beginning, but once that trust is broken, its gone. depending on who it is, i.e. my sister or a friend. theres a difference, i think in time, i would be able to forgive my sister quicker than a friend.
if it was an SO, go with the rule of three, three weeks if nothing changes, then dont even bother.
wise words of a blind man that sees true love.
I absolutely believe that trust, like respect, is earned. It takes a great about of effort to build your trust for another person or for someone to earn trust from you. Because trust is so sacred, it's very hard to build, yet easily crumbles. People always talk about "forgive and forget" and it's easier said than done. Once your trust for your SO is broken, it's very difficult to fix. Trust is a foundation and once there's "cheating" involved, it's very difficult to find the courage to trust again. Have you ever heard the phrase "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." People do not want to get hurt by the same person twice, so we have a tendency avoid such situations. Once trust is broken, we don't trust anymore because we have a tendency to protect ourselves. You asked a great question and if you can find the answer, please share it with all of us.
My honest opinion would be that if you've gone to the point where you both are hurting each other, then you should both sit down for a serious talk, and decide from there.
For me, if you break my trust... i most probably will never have complete trust in you again. The bad thing about me is that I trust people too easily and believe people when they lie.
Once trust is gone it is very hard to find again.
you're going to have to start from the beginning and earn that trust again.
I was cheated on last fall, and my ex was able to break up with me right before i was able to dump him (i had suspicions when he wouldn't shut up about the girl, but i tried to ignore them.). He's now engaged to that girl. 10 months after they started seeing each other officially (9 months after we broke up.) I have found that I don't trust ANYONE now- not even my friends or my family. It makes it impossible to even think about a guy even liking me.
As for your question, you guys need to have a serious talk, and seriously try to cut down on the negativity. Maybe seeing a relationship counselor could help? If you want it to work, you will find a way. :)