It didn't take long after my graduation from college to realize something was different about my relationship. At first, it seemed like the same standard issue: miscommunication. Surely this had nothing to do with the fact that I'd just graduated and was now forced to look at my life in a whole new light. But soon, I started noticing that the lack of schedules, assignments, and familiar routines, was making me unusually stressed. And the fact that I had to worry about what another person was doing on top of myself certainly wasn't helping.
Graduating from college is such a strange time. You're figuring out what you want to do, where you want to live, and who you want to be. Therefore it's not hard to see how dating and entering the real world aren't exactly compatible activities. I've had mentors, friends, and family members alike all tell me the exact same thing: "This is the only time in your life to be selfish. So be selfish"..."Do what's best for you, and for once, don't take anyone else into account"..."If you're going to be single, this is the time to do it."
Sure that all seems like fine advice. However, it's a lot harder to abide by the unwritten grad rules when you've been dating someone for almost two years.
Up until recently, I was no more concerned about my relationship than the average significant other. And by that I mean I got snarky every now and then, wondered where we were going as a couple, and occasionally overanalyzed my boyfriend's sporadic gloomy moods. Now, I'm constantly battling panic attacks as my concern has developed into an incessant inner monologue that goes something like this—WHAT IN GOD'S NAME AM I DOING WHY DIDN'T I JUST BREAK IT OFF BEFORE IT GOT SO SERIOUS I'M WAY TOO YOUNG TO MOVE IN WITH ANYONE RIGHT NOW I HATE PLAYING HOUSE I REFUSE TO SACRIFICE ANYTHING FOR HIM I KNOW I WOULD REGRET IT OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING I SHOULD JUST BREAK UP WITH HIM NOW.
There's the sane part of me that laughs off the inner voice. And yet there's the (also sane?) part of me that completely understands it. My boyfriend and I have been talking about moving in together for months. However, now that I'm finally done with school and trying to start my life in the big, bad, adult world, it seems silly to simultaneously tag along with someone else. Or vice versa, it would seem silly to let him tag along with me. Wouldn't that be the easy way out? The expected route with no surprises? The cop-out? Suddenly the world seems so large and full of opportunity. But how will I realize the extent of it if my boyfriend's begging for a quiet night in (for the eighth night in a row)?
Am I just overreacting here? I feel like my dilemma doesn't need to seem so black and white. How do I establish my independence when, for the past two years, I've been relying on my boyfriend for constant company and comfort?
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Comments (27)
Well, I'm not at that point yet, but I say don't let him get in your way of where you want to go in life. I mean, if he's going to the same post secondary place you are and it would be cheaper to share a place, why not?
But if you want to study for a certain career, go where you want. If he feels the need to tag along, let him, it only shows how much he cares.
I think it would be best to have a conversation about where you and him each want to end up in life, whether or not that would be possible to achieve together.
The problem is that you've been relying on him for comfort and companionship for two years. You shouldn't do that with anybody. Ya'll both need to have your own gig going on, so that you CAN be independent yet still happy in your relationship.
But, then again, if you wanna break it off, just do it. The more prolonged it gets the worse you're going to feel about it and he'll be able to tell.
"if my boyfriend's begging for a quiet night in (for the eighth night in a row)?"
damn, i have been there.
maybe you should see your boyfriend as a companion in this phase of your life. Life is always a little easier when you feel like you're not alone. Maybe theres something else that is the problem and you're pushing all the blame on someone else?
i think if you really liked him, you wouldn't be questioning your relationship. i get the impression there are other issues at hand.
the anxiety of graduating from college, our bubble/safety blanket... yes i'm experiencing that right now. i know how you feel, but don't make any rash decisions before giving it some time. things usually fall into place.
@goofball4@xanga - I agree with her
At this point in your life, you might want to start thinking about yourself as a whole. And if he means anything to your future, he should be included in your evaluation of yourself. I think your "selfish" time should have taken place throughout your years in college. Party all day, party all night, study, be single. Now, it's more of the time where MOST people take into consideration the fact of settling down with a career and a family.
I think it's fair to say that a lot of people whom I have spoken to that ended their relationships after college find it harder to find someone, and that's a point in time where you really want a companion in your life. If there isn't a significant reason to end the relationship, I would say to think it over before you jump the gun. But that's just my .02
@goofball4@xanga - Very well put. You should be feeling thrilled at the prospect with moving in with your boyfriend, not tied down. Now is the time for you guys to prosper as a couple. He should be your partner, not your baggage. If you feel like that, maybe there are deeper rooted problems.
Well I dated someone for three and half years. I had to make the decision about a year and half into our relationship what college I was going to go to. It was hard but I made myself go to an out of town school. I knew that I wanted to be out of town, but I really wanted to be with him too. I stayed with him and had a terrible first year of college. In times of transition you do need to put your needs first. I put some of them, but i neglected the rest of them. Some needs are unknown, but believe me when you get into a situation that inner voice that has been yelling this whole time, ends up being correct most of the time.
Now I'm about to graduate, and I am single and forcibly remaining so. I know that when i get that degree in hand there is no telling where I am going to end up, or if ill even be in this country. That kind of pressure isnt fair to myself or to any one else. I refuse to limit my choices because of someone else. This is the one time in your life where your possibility are only limited by your own capabilities. So max out or skills and do something crazy amazing. and don't hold back for the world.
this is the time you need to take the time and just use it for yourself but be honest with your bf about what you're feeling. he has to understand that even though you've been relying on him for the past two years, it's time for you to spread your own wings and find yourself. if he loves you the way he says, then he'll understand. when i graduated from college, i went through something like this. we were even engaged, but after i graduated, i wanted to find who i was and figure what it is in life that i want. i didn't leave much room for him to say yes or no, but it allowed me to find who i was without him and i stopped relying on him. i don't regret it because i know that i'm a better person for doing that, and i stopped living in his shadow.
I think my girlfriend is currently going through that phase in her life. She just came back from a trip from Europe and is going to graduate a year earlier than me. It's hard say what you should do because it is a strange time. I'm not there yet, but I wouldn't doubt I'd want to spend some time exploring the world and discovering myself some more. It's really up to you. You could drop down the intensity of the relationship, call for a break, or break it off all together. In the end, it's your call. Don't have any regrets with it.
If you are having that kind of monologue in your head and don't have a voice that tells you that you love him, you should break up with him.
Quiet night is bad, especially 8 in a row. 8? I mean one or two nights is fine. But I'm not going to lie to you, you need to talk with him about that. As far as that "being selfish" part, it's not you being selfish, its you doing what you want to do and being able to do it because you know you can. There is so much out there that you still need to see, still need to experience. I wouldn't go str8 to settling down, or testing boundaries before I've tried the world boundaries beyond me. Live, Love, And Conquer. It's a big world out there, and there is always more then enough love to go around. The real question you have to ask is, How much do you love yourself and are you giving yourself time to be YOU? think about it.
I definitely feel for you and your situation. I am going through something very similar. I just finished school and moved an hour away from my boyfriend and it's been very difficult.
Sure, some people say "be selfish" and do what you want. And I agree that you should do what you want and live where you want and go out with friends. But what is life really about? For me, it's not about finding the perfect job or living in the "right" place. It's about being able to have good times with people you love and care about.
You don't have to move in with your boyfriend if you don't want to. But figure out what means the most to you and go with that. Basically it's the cheesy cliche of "follow your heart."
I'm twice your age, so here's a perspective from the other side. If, after two years together, you don't feel like this is the person you want to spend your life with, and are not even sure that you want to spend the next few years with (serious doubts about whether to move in, or move along) I'd say, move along. If you don't feel that you NEED this person by your side, or even overwhelmingly want him to be by your side, understanding you could make it alone if you had to...then I'd say, move along.
I didn't move along. I knew he was the one. I followed him through grad school, and job hopping those first few iffy years afterward, toting young kids along the way, living on the super cheap (near poverty), and don't regret a minute of it...because he was the one, and that is what I wanted to do.
But now, the kids are raised, and I am, like you in a transition stage, and he and I don't necessarily want the same things, and I am less interested in tagging along in his life, and like you, don't see a reason he should tag along in mine either. I mean...what's to gain from that? So I AM asking myself the same questions you are...how much do I owe this person, and how much do I owe myself?
This man is my best friend, and I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to lose my life, my dreams and my potential either. We are trying to figure out if there is a way for us to have both. But if you and your boyfriend haven't wracked up history, kids, property, etc together...I'd suggest...move along.
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I'm really not sure what your real complaint is. I was married less than 6 months after I graduated college. It was a stressful time, but I didn't want to "be selfish" and push my husband away. I wanted to have him there, to celebrate in my successes. He is a companion, a partner in EVERYTHING I do.
you are just crazy! if you DON'T want to move in with him, just don't move in together, you don't have to break up because of that!
your inner voice may be right, but you weren't having these thoughts until OTHER people started sharing what THEY think you should do.
yes, this is the perfect time in your life to be selfish, and do what you need.
but that doesn't mean you have to break up with your guy. you guys can lead your own lives, but you can still come together and be the support and companion that the other needs.
my boyfriend and i have lived together for almost 9 months. and yes, i'm still in college and i'm not graduating until 2012, but i've had to deal with finding my own place, managing my life on my own, etc well before almost everyone my age. i had to grow up fast. my boyfriend grew with me. he was my rock, my support, my life-line. when all my friends left for the summer, he was all i had when everything in my life went to hell. people say this all the time, but i wouldn't be alive if he hadn't been there.
conversely, if he doesn't feel right for you anymore, then obviously moving in isn't right, not right now. people grow out of each other, we all have needs and those change over time. you guys should sit down and talk about all of this, not to decide if you should stay together or not, but to talk about that state of your relationship. communication, honest, open, vulnerable communication is a big factor in a relationship. the scarier it is to say, the more it needs to be said.
ultimately, this is a decision you need to make. everyone, and everyone's relationships are different. (duh.) so give yourself time to think about everything HONESTLY, don't gloss over the bad things. then tell your guy you want to share things with him, and sit down with no distractions or time constraints, (one of those 8 quiet nights in) and talk about EVERYTHING.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - i completely agree . if you guys shared something worth keeping, you would love the fact that you have someone to share this new phase in your life . all that mushy dependent stuff is for hs . you guys can be independent w/out having to break up .
I soooo feel u! Not in a relationship though, but just started talkin to someone and it's like what's the point if in less than 3 months I won't even be here b/c I'm graduating. Ur not alone, I hope y'all can work something out w/o u having to give up too much :)
try the quiet night at home for the 5 month in a row...
some people have a lot on their plates right after they graduate from college and if you really want to dedicate yourself to, basically, yourself, then do it. sure, you've been with your bf for two years and talked about moving in together, but think about it this way: how would your life be if you actually did move in with him? if you think now is tremendously stressful, how the hell would you be able to deal with your own *and* his life?
you should really think about what you want yourself, and not what you would like to happen between you and your bf. if your relationship doesn't work out, it's okay. you're still young, and doesn't being independent and having self-made wealth sound much better than riding someone's coat tails? you'll discover a lot of things about yourself when you're working doing something that's towards your personal goals.
don't move in together.