Tuesday, 08 September 2009
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"Are You Crying?"
I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last year and a half. We've been through a lot together, with him being un-employed for about 8 months of our relationship, me supporting him and helping him, never getting angry or having any fights or arguments. Finally things started to pick up. He got a job, we moved out and got a place of our own. Except now he is never home, he works 70-80 hours/week. And our schedules are completely opposite. I work days and he works nights. I actually get to spend time with him on Sundays, which means watching him play his softball games. I support him whole-heartedly and I love him dearly, but have lately been feeling unappreciated and unloved.
Maybe I am too supportive, but I start to feel taken advantage of. I cook, clean, do laundry, rub his back, buy him his favorite food items, send him occasional text messages to say "I'm thinking of you. Miss you. Love you." He says that it's going to be hard for awhile while he gets things under control at work.
I miss him being here. And today I said so. I spoke up and said we both have the day off, no softball, no work, just me and you. And what does he do? He leaves me at the house to go hang out and relax with his friends.
"Oh well you can meet up with me here later if you want," he says on the phone.
"I want to spend time with you. I don't want to go hang out at your friends house watching you all get piss-ass drunk, but I will go if it means I get to spend time with you." And that's when the tears start coming in.
"Are you crying?" he says. "I want to have a good time and don't need you to be all moody on me. Why don't you stay at home and feel better, we can hang out tomorrow?"
"Ok, fine, I love you."
So now I sit here at home, all dressed up because I was ready to go out and meet up with him, crying my eyes out. And he's out with his buddies hanging out, having a good time. Probably not thinking of me or caring how I feel or why I feel this way.
Is it worth it? Does the emotion matter? Should I express myself to let him know how I feel lately and how his actions affect me? Or will that cause more drama and heartache on my part?
Do guys think that crying is an easy way out? Or do they know that tears mean we're hurt? That when we're crying, we just need you to be there?
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About the Author
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- From: pinkpeekaboo@xanga
- Name: pinkpeekaboo
- About Me: I don't like my screenname so I'm working on credits to change it. My stupid idea to use my favorite color and pet's name sounded good at the time. As far as blogging goes, sometimes I think I have really great ideas and other times I think I just need to vent.
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Comments (116)
Guy needs a kick to the balls.
he is a jerk. just another guy who knows nothing about being in a realtionship. i am sorry for you. to be together means more to you than to him. was he using you while he was not working and now that he is...are you just the has been? sure sounds like it to me. better talk about it now with him instead of us as i fear it wont get any better if ya dont
He's not reacting to your tears correctly at all. I think you need to tell him why exactly you were upset and what he should've done to fix it.
Dump 'im.
Yikes. That was a horrible response to your crying, and you are not being unreasonable. Dump his ass and move on. Seriously. It will take a while to get over him because you love him but once you do, and start loving someone who deserves it, you'll find it's a world of difference and so much better.
Speak up for yourself. I've been on both sides of the spectrum (minus the crying) and most times speaking up helps. You need to communicate how you're feeling with him.
Have you ever worked 70 hours a week? It sucks. You probably see him more than you think. Just give him some space for a while. Whether he's being a jerk or not, if you take his friends away he'll probably end up leaving you. If you look at it from their point of view, they see him less than you.
I'm not trying to be a jerk. But his job and friends are important things to keep up with.
When my ex-boyfriend and I were together when we both had free time we wanted to spend as much of it together. It sounds as though he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him, which is a shame as it sounds like you've put a lot of effort into the relationship. You need to talk to him. Men often think women are over-emotional. I get called melodramatic for crying a lot, but it means that I need them to be there for me and give them a hug, You need to explain the situation to him and if he doesn't change then I think you need to focus your affection and attention else where, because he's obviously not interested in it. Perhaps when he was unemployed he used you as a bit of a meal ticket? I know that's awful to hear, and I don't know him so I don't want to be too quick to judge, but it doesn't sound like he cares all that much. Best of luck.
is it worth it? think about your needs and does he support it? talk to him, make sure he understands where you stand in a relationship, or else it's just going to be two people living together, working. Not a couple.
they don't know what they got until it's gone
have him read this blog post. if things don't change, dump him.
i know it's easier for me to say than it is for you to do, but that's as concise as i can make the whole rant i had planned out in my head.
It doesn't sound like your boyfriend really understands how you feel. :\ You need to have a serious talk with him and tell him how much his actions affect you. :( If he doesn't listen, then let him go and take care of yourself.
Good luck.
I would be very upset, as well. It sounds like you need to sit down when you can and let him know that you understand that it's a huge adjustment to go from working not at all, to working 70-80 hours a week. But when you CAN spend time together, it would be nice if you could. I don't think you need to necessarily cry in front of him about it. Men seem to find that to be totally distracting... it's better if you're just straightforward and tell them what's wrong and how to fix it than to be all girly and emotional. I don't think you should leave him or anything - at least not yet. You do have to work out your issues, and come up with a compromise. He should be allowed to spend time with friends, but should also spend time with you, too.
I think this is a situation where both people are stressed out. He is working an assload of hours and you want to see him more. You guys need to talk and figure out how (or if) this will work out. : /
i don't know. i hope that they realize crying happens because there's a lot of hurt bottled up inside. at least, i don't cry to get attention. but he might just think i cry at everything if he actually knew how often i cry.. so i try not to show it too much. that's men for ya.
but no, he's insensitive and not appreciating you.
I don't think crying is an acceptable form of communication. The only way people are going to know what's on your mind is if you say it. Not by waiting for them to find the hidden messages in your tears.
just tell him how u feel etc
at this point, he knows what your feeling atm
I agree with @Sammyhellsyea@xanga in that you probably see him more than you think and his friends probably don't see him much at all. He wants to spend time with you, but also wants to spend time with his friends. He's probably not really a bad guy. You guys should just talk about this and let out what you're feeling.
Selfish prick. That's what he is.
Ditch him. I've been there and I'd recommend not putting yourself through this. It's not worth it.
He's working 70-80 hours a week. Relax woman. Feeling unappreciated and not adored is part of what you're signing up for when your SO works that much. If you can't handle it, dump him. He needs his friends, and so do you. What you SHOULD have done was invite friends over to your place instead of sitting on your ass crying because he went to hang with his friends who he probably has not seen in weeks. In the meantime he has the opportunity to see you every week. If you can't deal with it, move on. Find someone who has more time to tend to you.
I'm sure I'll get my fair share of rebuttals for saying this, but it doesn't matter. The truth is the truth.
I think, that when we girls cry, it is a sign that we're hurt, and we need that hurt to stop. A friend of my boyfriend said in a note on facebook, that crying is a a form of blackmail, that that guys get tired of it eventually. Which I'm sad to admit, guys actually do buy into. I think, you've put in a lot of effort into this relationship and yes, if you're upset, you have every right to be. You need to talk it out with him, and have him understand where you're coming from. If he's choosing his friends over you, and hasn't been able to have a day with just you and him... well, I think that's a warning flag for you. I can't tell you to dump him, because I'm sure that's the last thing you want to do, but you're not his top priority, I'm sorry, but that just doesn't cut it. I can understand the need to work, but other than that he's got no excuse. He needs to make time for you.
You should try speaking to him again about how you feel, and if he still doesn't come to understand your feelings then it's time to leave and move on. I've been there and it hurts, but if he doesn't wanna understand it and keeps ignoring you, then say good-bye.
I think you need to realize that he is working 70 to 80 hours a week and maybe he just needed to see his friends one day. He also could've split the day in half.. half of it with you, and half with his friends. He needs to learn how to manage his time.I think he needs to figure out his schedule if it's new and he's not used to working 70-80 hours a week... that's obviously a huge jump, going from 0-70+ hours a week.
I know you are having a rough time dealing with it, but I'm sure he is too.. if he's not, and doesn't seem to care about you, I'd talk to him about it and then dump him if he doesn't do anything or seem to want to see you.
My boyfriend didn't seem to give a shit when he broke up with me last night. I think it just makes things worse.
Maybe he is just dense. Do you really not get to spend a lot of time with him? I mean, I understand that you probably want to spend more time with him especially because he is working now and you don't get to see him as much as you want. And the different work schedule probably made it tougher. But from his point of view, you guys live together, and he doesn't get to see his buddies that often. I know it sounds horrible, but maybe you guys just have a different definition of "time spent" together.
Or maybe he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him. It happens; my ex and I had a LDR, and I only got to see him about once every 2 weekends. He used to ask me to leave a day earlier so that he could hang out with his friends. It was hard for me to understand....except that I treasured the time we spent together more than he did. Of course, later we broke up because he admitted that he just didn't feel like being in a relationship, that even with that level of freedom, he still felt trapped. And yeah, it showed during all those long hours when I was waiting alone in his apartment, with a table full of food and an empty stomach, for him to return home from hanging out with his friends (even though he knew I was home waiting for him).
Anyway, good luck.
Honestly, it sounds like he really IS taking advantage of you. Talk to him, but if he doesn't have a good reason, he might be too immature for a relationship, because it might be that all he wants to do is take, and is too immature to give.