Monday, 07 September 2009
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Are You a Polyamorist?
So yesterday I was exposed to something that really blew my mind. Polyamory.
Polyamory is the practice of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Although it sounds similar to polygamy, its different in that it isn't so patriarchaly centered and could potentially involve all women. People in polyamorous relationships have a primary (their main relationship), a secondary (a second person to fulfill any needs they cannot get from their primary), and a tertiary (their third rung relationship partner). Everyone in the situation is fully aware of the relationship structure, and the triangle can include both men and women.
My friend called polyamourous relationships “the most honest type of relationship.” The logic behind this statement is this:
Although it is not a monogamous relationship, all parties are introduced to each other and know the situation, so technically there isn't any “cheating” by the usual standard of the word. There isn't secrecy. No one has to feel like they need to pretend about who they are. If you don't like sports, but your primary is a sports fanatic, you know they can get their fill of sports related antics with their secondary. No one has to feel unfulfilled in any aspect of their life, because they have multiple people to get multiple “things” to make them feel fulfilled in their relationship/s.With this rationale, although not a type of relationship structure I would get into, polyamory does seem to be an open/honest type of relationship. Everything has to be out on the table for it to actually work. Everyone has to be honest.
So what do you think? Polyamory = “the most honest type of relationship” ???
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Comments (59)
All I know is, it would never work for me. I feel unfaithful to my boyfriend when I check out other guys, haha, so being in a relationship with more than one person would just not feel right to me. Power to the people who can pull it off, though.
And yeah, it's a very honest type of relationship -- but aren't all healthy relationships supposed to be very open/honest? That's how I view any type of relationship I'm having. Honesty is my only policy.
I feel like ALL working relationships are open/honest ones, whether monogamous or polyamorous. So I wouldn't say one type was more honest than another.
Oh my gosh, this is so old, I forgot all about this post lol
I wouldn't do it, but that's just because everything that makes me feel "fulfilled" in life, my partner or life itself can already give me. I don't need, nor do I want someone else.
I think that, if you feel the need to have more than one partner to fulfil your life, then that person probably isn't "the one" for you.
@HeartOfPandora@xanga - agree
Yes, I think so... and unconditional. I like the idea.
Even if you're in a monogamous relationship, everything has to be out and on the table. That's how it works.
i can't deal with a relationship like that. i need a guy who can be content with just me. i already HATE sharing things, so i'd never want to share MY guy.
It doesn't allow for a fused heart to heart relationship with any single partner. There's something special about being the "only one" for someone and (s)he for you. You just can't go there with polyamory, which is most likely (almost?) entirely hormone driven anyway [whether it seems that way or not]. There is likely no true commitment either; unless it serves personal needs.
There's also a huge benefit to "saving yourself" for your one and only. Especially if your love drive is strong. The fact that nobody else can seduce you is the best proof of your love for your SO; and I'd have to suggest it must be a huge turn on when you realize that of your partner.
Monogamy is a social structure that needs to be knocked down a peg. There is nothing wrong with either polyamory, or monogamy- people should be fine with either. It shouldn't be an issue that people raise eyebrows at, and it shouldn't be something people expect.
you may be being honest with everyone involved, but i doubt everyone involved is being totally honest with themselves. there is a huge difference between love and lust and there is more joy in giving than receiving--in other words it doesn't have to be all about having all of your "needs" fulfilled. Sometimes it is just the joy of giving one person all you can and having them do the same in return.
I'd never be able to do that, and the thought of my partner going to his .. tertiary partner would drive me crazy!
This could not work for me. I selfish and i do not like to share, although I do think I may need more than one boyfriend at a time. Im too much to handle sometimes
I wouldn't be able to do this. I want to devote myself to just one person, regardless of whether she understands a small part of me or not. A relationship in itself should be open and honest, so I don't think you need anyone else in there. I have friends to fulfill the parts that my SO wouldn't be able to understand. That's why they're there.
I used to consider myself polyamorous, but I don't anymore. I think it's because I met one single person who meets all my emotional and physical needs.
I don't think there's anything wrong with polyamorous relationships if all parties involved are knowledgeable of and have mutual respect towards one another. It won't work if even one person doesn't like the arrangements.
If your SO doesn't like sports, talk about sports with your.... friends?
You don't need every "need" fulfilled by your romantic interest.
My girlfriend thinks computer games are stupid. I have plenty of guy friends to talk about video games with, and don't need another partner for that.
megh not for me. i just like my boyf. i feel guilty when i have dreams about other men. (they usually end with me asking, "wait, where's my [real bf's name]?did we break up? but he was so much better...)
I think polyamorist people are those who just don't have any luck finding someone that fits their mold lol. Sooo they turn to other people.
I'm fine with my boyfriend. He's got what I need and more. :)
I would say "no" in answer to the direct question asked. It's a hasty generalization but one made on a fairly well-intentioned idea. Polyamory tends to lend itself to a much more open and honest style of relationship than a great deal of monogamous relationships. It's hard to classify one relationship as being more or less honest than the other, though the divorce rate in the country seems to lend itself to saying otherwise.
I would also disagree with a number of the statements made in regards to polyamorous relationships being about lust and "getting one's needs met." The misperception of polyamorous relationships as being particularly sex-driven is unfortunate and misguided. Polyamory is about loving more than one person. I liken it to this analogy: if you have one child, you love it unconditionally; if you have a second child, you don't split the love between them: you love them both unconditionally. Those who are polyamorous love in the same manner. There is no finite amount of love to be distributed only to one person; it goes to whoever fills their heart.
I imagine most misconceptions about it come from a complete misunderstanding and lack of experience with those in successful polyamorous relationships. It's one thing to say you know someone who was in one and it failed after months or perhaps a few short years. But talk to someone who has been in one for years or even decades. It's hard to claim that they live a less fulfilling life because they haven't found "the One." They've found more than one person who makes them happy and fills their life with joy. If you want to make a judgement or base a claim on an experience, at least find someone with a reliable track record.
Polyamory breaks the norm, certainly, but there is no one claiming that it's a "superior" form of relationship. Yes, we point to divorce in monogamous couples a lot, but that's just to prove a point: monogamy fails as often as it succeeds. Claiming that it is the be-all/end-all is a fallacy because it's quite obviously not the case. Polyamory works for some; monogamy works for others; being single works for others. No one choice is better than the other and to claim otherwise is arrogant.
So, again, "no" polyamory is not more honest and open than monogamy. It has a tendency to promote that and perpetuate it, but it's not always a shining beacon of exemplary behavior.
Yay polyandry!
I'm a one-man woman.
Besides, if everybody involved has three partners, that's a whole lot of people to keep track of. Seriously. I'm just not that good at juggling.;)
But I have no judgment for those into polyamory. I just couldn't swing it.
-Katie
I'm not polyamorous (quite the very opposite as I'm an aromantic asexual) so I hope I don't say anything erroneous about polyamory. I wouldn't say that polyamory is the most honest type of relationship because, really, it's all a matter of choice and personal preference. Either monogamous or polyamorous relationships could be honest because it depends on the people and what they feel makes an honest relationship.
That being said, I don't like when people misrepresent polyamory. Those who prefer polyamorous relationships aren't especially lustful or indecisive just like those who prefer monogamous relationships aren't archaic prudes. It all comes down to choice and I think people should respect others' choices. It's foolish to judge other relationships based on your own because your relationship is not the norm or standard for which other relationships should be judged against. Everyone's different after all.
have u read brave new world? =/ i think it'll help clear up any doubts about this.
Eh, it could work for some people...? But I think there would be lots of jealously because humans are naturally jealous. I have had crushes while I've been with a boyfriend, but ultimately, I would stay with my boyfriend rather than have a fling.