Don't Blame It All On The SO!

Sunday, 06 September 2009

Don't Blame It All On The SO!
For all you ladies and gents out there, who has been faced with your SO's friends complaining about them not being able to see their friend? The reason being that you and your SO spend too much time together. BAM. They put the blame on you: the clingy, irritating, demanding boyfriend/girlfriend.
Somehow, I have a feeling it's common with both genders. On the receiving end of this, I find it very downright irritating. If your friend wants to spend time with you, he/she will. If he/she doesn't, well... don't blame it all on the SO. This issue has caused the most strain during my current relationship. My SO constantly reassures me that he would rather be with me than his buddies, and I have never been against him having some guy time, because, like him, I also need girl time. But I'm tired of always hearing, seeing, and feeling that I am trapping my boyfriend when he has his own free will. Not only that, you can imagine how much my SO's friends like me. (which probably isn't very much, or not at all)
If you have been, or are in this kind of situation, what do you think is the best kind of approach? Should you confront the friends yourself? Have your SO confront them? Also, do you think that your friends liking/disliking your SO have any kind of impact on your relationship and most importantly, how you see your SO?

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Comments (18)

I told my friend Jim, who started to spend a lot of his free time with his new girlfriend, that it was really important that we retain our friendship and to do so wanted to get to know her so we could ALL hang out and it wouldn't have to be one or the other. It's working so far :)
- 9/6/2009 4:07 PM
- tsuimei@xanga (message)
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I love my s.o's friends and vice versa. It's all around fun. And people are adult enough to understand that when you have an s.o, there will be time taken away from friends/family to make room for your s.o, it's all conservation of time. But you can do things together rather than always choose one or the other, and I have some of my best memories with my bf when we're out in a big group =p. I think that your s.o needs to make more time for his friends, especially if he considers them his friends. It may not be your fault that he chooses you more over them, but you are enabling it by allowing him to neglect them to the point that they are upset. I think you should make more of an effort to get to know them and maybe close the gap more. They are his friends and you are the newcomer, unfair as you may feel it is, but it's reality.
- 9/6/2009 4:20 PM
- Ju1cyXCouture@xanga (message)
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@Ju1cyXCouture@xanga - Not everyone is adult enough, though.
- 9/6/2009 5:02 PM
- chelseanataliex@xanga (message)
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I have friends that are so honest they'll be like bitch today is our day,no guys,we need just us time.
- 9/6/2009 5:27 PM
- Stalinn@xanga (message)
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i guess when you're young and you're dating, you would always want to spend time with your so but since i'm older now, even though we don't see each other every day, we try to see each other at least 2 days out of the week for dinner or a date and then have our own girls or guys night out with our friends to keep each other sane. it's not like i don't want to spend time with him all the time, but it's because sometimes having our own time with our friends is a good thing.
- 9/6/2009 7:44 PM
- superGchik@xanga (message)
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just ignore them, and tell your SO to straighten it out himself for you. it DOES get annoying.
- 9/6/2009 8:23 PM
- UnopenedSuitcases@xanga (message)
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I've never had that problem, but most of our friends are in couples, and thus we hang out as couples. But every now and then, I take off with my girls and do girl stuff. I assume my husband goes out with the guys, then, to do guy stuff. But people who know us know neither of us would keep the other from seeing friends. Maybe your SO's friends just need to get to know you more?
-Katie
- 9/6/2009 10:55 PM
- akatiegirl (message)
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@Ju1cyXCouture@xanga - that's the thing. I've spent time with them on group dates, but it seems that no matter what i do, they've already formed their opinion of me. I spoke to one of his best friends about a problem we were having, just to let him know i cared about his buddy and i was willing to open up. yet, i still come out as someone who "traps" their friend. Everytime we hang out, they give me this awkward attitude. I have told my SO over and over again, and asked if he has any plans with his buddies, but when he wants to hang, they don't/can't. I'm tired of being blamed for that. cuz they act nice when i'm there, but behind my back it's a different story
- 9/7/2009 12:57 AM
- destinyshorizon (message)
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I don't blame my SO, my friends do.
- 9/7/2009 1:56 AM
- acst2@xanga (message)
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i don't think i've ever been placed in this kind of situation. i guess i've been blessed not to have to deal with it. the way i see it is keep doing what you're doing. maybe you could host a party aimed at something your bf and his friends like to do or set something up-like get them tickets to a game or reservations or get them pizza and have them chill and you just take off. if you're close enough to a friend of his, maybe you could talk to him? just say, i really respect you and your position. sorry if you're getting the impression i'm hogging him. it wasn't my intention. let me know what i can do to help. if that doesn't work then don't worry about it.
- 9/7/2009 4:18 AM
- emra_cadaver@xanga (message)
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This is totally true. I've been married for 5 1/2 years now, and I would never *make* my husband spend time with me and totally abandon his friends. I personally like spending a lot of time with him, but I still make time for my friends (and heck, most of them live across the country now anyhow), probably more than a lot of married people.
- 9/7/2009 9:59 AM
- TheCaffeinatedKnitter@xanga (message)
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I completely agree with you. It's pathetic. Blame it on the friend that isn't giving you time, they are the one making the decision! It is just easier to blame the intruder to the friendship. Personally, I have a long-term serious relationship so when my best friends get into relationships too, I encourage them to spend most of their time together. Save me a girl's night every week or so and I am fine. But I find that it is the friends who have no idea what a serious relationship is like that are the quickest to feel neglected. My opinion is that they are really just disliking the SO because they are jealous that their friend does in fact love their SO more than them now, and so they unconsciously just feel the desire to switch it around and so they bad mouth the SO and try to pull their friend away from them because they don't like feeling that their friend has replaced them with someone else.
- 9/7/2009 12:47 PM
- getta_ring_on_it (message)
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@emra_cadaver@xanga - I like this idea. My sister threw a completely awesome poker party for her new husband and his friends. She made them wings, bought them cigars and beer and then disappeared, and of course, they all wish she was their wife now. It kind of shows--hey--I ENCOURAGE him to spend time with you and just shows them if it is anyone's fault it is not yours.
- 9/7/2009 12:50 PM
- getta_ring_on_it (message)
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I actually have the opposite problem. On the days we actually have free, we spend it with our friends or family that we don't do anything together anymore (aside from errands and sleeping). He hangs out with his friends like 2-3 times a week (on his only days off) and most of the time I'll go but some days I'll just stay home or I'll be out with my own friends. The only time they don't like me is when I refuse to let them (especially my boyf) suck down a whole bottle of "Dust-Off". They think its uncool that I try to stop them. All I can say to that is, "Well F#(^ you, too."
- 9/7/2009 4:03 PM
- cuzimlexxi@xanga (message)
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Okay first of all your bf isnt going to tell you that he would rather be spending time with his buddies to spare your feelings. Any kind of confrontation with his friends will just make them dislike you even more. Remember these are the friends that your bf will go to complain about you whenever you guys fight... so you really don't want them telling him to ditch you or that theres other girls better out there.. it'll just add fuel to fire when they probably don't really know you or the fact that you want to be better liked by them.

One time an ex of mine bought some beers that she knew my boys preferred at a party... kind of like the male equivalent to buying the gf and her bff/mom/sister a trip to the spa for her bday...which i did once.. definite friend-brownie points ;)
- 9/7/2009 10:02 PM
- hiJinXx@xanga (message)
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lol my SO frds almost hates me cuz they think im the evil bitch behind the bars restraining him

except really i always encourage him to go out, i dont really care nor stop him.. he just doesnt wanna hang with them. i wish my bf would go out more =(
- 9/8/2009 12:09 AM
- x__dollyco@xanga (message)
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@x__dollyco@xanga - yeah, i'm totally in that situation right now... his choice tho rite?
- 9/8/2009 11:18 AM
- destinyshorizon (message)
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@hiJinXx@xanga - too true.. but i wish he wouldn't try to spare my feelings and just tell me straight up.
- 9/8/2009 11:21 AM
- destinyshorizon (message)
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