Friday, 04 September 2009
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Sexual Dynamics: Single vs. In Relationship
I noticed lately that I seem to be twice as horny, when I break up with someone or am not near them. That hunger is a lot like wanting to find someone to love you, but meanwhile you find out how to satisfy your hunger when you don't have anyone to have sex.
I wrote to Serena saying, "I know that there is more to relationships than sex, but the thing about relationships is that when it comes down to sex: it is easier not to worry about wanting it, when you might get it anytime. But when you are alone, sexual hunger goes haywire. You see where I am going with this?"
When it gets bad, you are desperate to be next to your partner or a partner. And Serena explained, "See, when you're in a sexual relationship (by that I mean a relationship in which you have sex, not one necessarily based entirely on sex), you expect to get sex. And a lot of the times, the kind of sex you get becomes extremely routine, and you get used to it. You could even say that it gets boring. But when you're single and looking for someone new, you don't know what to expect sexually. It will probably be completely new from what you've experienced before. Not to mention that you're probably on the lookout for someone new to have a relationship with - or at least to have sex with. Because of these things, your body subconsciously becomes more excited, and your sexual 'hunger,' as you call it, increases."
The comparison I made was that a relationship is a lot like a job, and sex is compared to money. I wrote that, "A breakup is emotionally like being fired from a job or quitting. Your biggest worry is trying to find another job that will take you in and all of your great skills, no matter how long it takes you. Meanwhile, eventually, your biggest focus would be on what you are going to do with your skills in the meantime." This especially goes with how many jobs you've had.
But the thing we can both agree on is that while we don't mind being horny, we can't stand that situation at all. Serena admitted that even though she has her horny moments, she really isn't as super-horny when she has her boyfriend right by her side.
What do you make of this dynamic?
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Comments (33)
Hmm. I don't really have that problem. I'm just as horny in a relationship as I am out of it.
Baloney sandwich, that doesnt happen to me. If anything when im out of a relationship my sexual drive drops.
I disagree. My sexual "hunger" is the same regardless...actually it increases when I am in a relationship because typically sex isn't even appealing to me unless it's with someone I love.
@Neurotically_Mine@xanga - true.
yeh no. i mean single i was barely aware of horniness. now is heightened most the time, even if bf's across the room.
however: masturbation exists. unfortunately, there's no such thing as monetary masturbation, for jobless times.
I'm just as horny in one as I am out of one. If not more.
Mine stays at a constant level regardless of relationship status.
Gonna have to agree with everyone else.
If anything, I'm more horny when the girlfriend's around.
People don't usually want sex when they're never had it. And if they do, it's mostly because they are either male, or under peer pressure.
I like being single, I don't even think about sex unless someone mentions it, then I tell them to STFU because I'm eating D:
- Kunoichi
That makes sense that you want what you can't/don't have and take for granted what you do have.
My drive is strong while not in a relationship, but insane while even in a LDR. I wish I could take a pill with an effect opposite to Cialis or Viagra. I'm still a virgin though, I have no interest in casual physical relations.
As the TV show Seinfeld says:
"George: Uncle Leo's having regular sex?
Jerry: Yeah, I know. It devalues the whole thing."
I think for some people it is the thrill of the hunt while for others there could be the comfort of familiarity. Not everybody is the same.
Not having "regular sex" increases the value of sex as you never know when you will get it and need to earn it. There is suspense and intrigue in not knowing, getting close to it, and ultimately - failure or success. When you get it regularly, what is the fun in it when you know you can get it almost at any time?
well, just find someone who'll offer to pay you $1000 or sleep with brad pitt. after that, you'll forget about your sexual needs.
yea, im newly single and its only been two weeks since i last had sex, but it feels like forever, i guess its just knowing that i probably wont be getting some for a while
its all about wanting something thats harder to get.
haha I was more sad about losing my relationship than worrying about horniness after my relationship ended. Then when I was over my relationship ending, I was super... excited. Now I'm kinda meh lol I dunno, we're all different. Hormones and stuff lol
As a guy who's sexually active, I could actually reject this hypothesis by claiming my own. I can prove it by personal experiences. Um. I had a "sexual relationship" two years and a half ago and yeah, we ended up breaking up. I remember being occasionally horny with my ex. The time I was single, I was totally relaxed and wasn't nearly as horny at all. Two years and a half without sex did not change anything (yes, call me nerdy, dorky, geeky, but I don't do one-night stands or anything). If anything, only after I got my current girlfriend that I may sometimes get horny.
In conclusion, I get more horny when I'm in a relationship compared as if I would to be single.
@KrazeeKunoichi009@xanga - Abstinence is not the best idea. Knowledge is. And thanks for being so sexist. As a male feminist (me), I find your ignorance completely bliss and immature. Clearly, datingish's sex topic is not for you. Why even bother reading?
Under peer pressure? Are you saying that ALL women who had sex was "forced" to do so? Another sexist trait to say that all guys, aka "peers", pressure "chicks" to have sex in negligence of their consent?
...
From living together to long distance now.. yea.. we used to be cool about just hugging & kissing gdnite.. but not now after missing each other for 3-4wks when we meet monthly. Every opportunity is precious!
But when i'm single, its probably the thrill of a new person...?
@mikeylohsu@xanga - At some point, some girls feel that they should lose their virginity to be considered a "woman". Pretty much every girl I've met whose had sex around my age never thought it to be "special", it was either something they felt every relationship should do, or just to slide their "V-card".
What? Am I wrong that men want sex? I hang out with guys mostly, and I hear things they won't tell their girlfriends. "Yeah dude, I TOTALLY nailed that hot goth chick! *up top*"
Is being asexual considered abstinent? I guess so if it's by choice (or lack of interest). I've learned all there was about it in school, some people took that knowledge with them..I just felt..grossed out. Sex isn't for everyone, I know a girl in particular who lost her virginity just to prove that she wasn't a lesbian.
I should probably make myself clear, since I apparently come off as generalizing EVERYONE. It's just people I've came into contact so far.
But I have heard this from most of my guy friends, "Once you've had sex, it's hard to stop." (Except for one guy named Zak, who had a somewhat traumatizing [comical] experience)
Just observation with the people I come into contact with. I'm pretty sure it's not the vast majority, but I still think that some how, people are pressured to have sex for the first time. Whether it be an impatient boyfriend, peers teasing or just want to be more adult. If you know someone who hasn't, then good for them.
- K
I think it's biological. Our bodies are hardwired to get laid, propagate, they release chemicals that make us "want it". When we are getting it regularly, there is no need for our bodies to pump out extra "get out there and get some" juice, but when we are not...it ramps up and tells us to get laid.
Our minds(being functions of our brains and thus part of the body) may very well have something to do with this, as in...what we are thinking and feeling emotionally does impact the body's propensity to pump said chemicals into system. Indeed, the function of the brain itself is the result of chemical interactions, so it could be a case of what came first...the thought, or is the thought the result of the chemicals that cause us to crave sex.
When I don't get laid for awhile, in a relationship or not...I get horny, and more items on the menu start looking delicious.
i agree. sexual hunger is the same as real hunger. when you don't have anything to eat, you constantly think about food, and when you finally eat it, it tastes great!
Whoa, you kind scared me 'cause I was about to break up with my boyfriend. I was afraid to feel hungry all of the time =P But by reading through some comments, I see that they disagree with you. Hopefully, they're right. I don't want to feel horny everyday without a SO.
@awkward_me - I guess it all depends on your usual sex drive.
yea sex drive drops outside of a relationship