Thursday, 03 September 2009
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Should Best Friends Date Ex-Boyfriends?
Recently, some developments have left me mentally...uncomfortable. For those of you that do not know what is happening, I will fill you in:
1. My ex and I recently broke up in the beginning of July just short of our 3.5 year anniversary. It was a mutual decision, mostly because I had graduated and we wouldn't be in the same city for the next five years at least.
2. At the end of July, I started dating my current boyfriend.
3. Because I started dating someone else, my ex and I stopped talking and I'm pretty sure he hates me or at least harbors great resentment towards me.
4. A few days ago, my ex (who had been hanging out with my best friend since the two of them are both still in my college city) asked out my best friend
5. She said no, but the reasons she gave were about how she didn't want to upset me, and upon further questioning, it seemed as if she wouldn't mind dating my ex.Based on all of this, I'm pretty sure they're going to hook up, even if they don't start dating. She's a really good friend, and I still want to remain her friend no matter what happens. I mean, I wouldn't be happy about it if she started dating my ex, but I won't hate her for it. I guess I'd feel slightly betrayed more than anything else. I also want my ex to be happy because I feel like I really upset him when I started dating again. I mean, is there an unspoken rule about not dating after you break up with someone that I somehow missed? Still, he could have picked someone besides my best friend.
So, I have a few questions to post to everyone that reads this.
What is your position on the idea of your best friend dating your ex-boyfriend? If you were in my position, would you hate them/him/her? Do I even the right to have a say in any of this?
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- From: Ni_Shi_Wo_De@xanga
- Name: Cicy
- Location: Overland Park, Kansas, United States
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Comments (66)
i have always said that it's a unwritten rule to not date a best friend's ex.
but i kinda broke that rule this year.
well. she isn't my best friend anymore AT ALL
but i started seeing an ex of hers.
they really only dated for a day, ya know. one of those middle school day long relationships that never really count.
but they used to fool around a lot way back then too.
i mean, they were both really young and most people don't count that stuff as being serious but i know how much she used to care for him.
i felt bad about seeing him and she called me a hypocrit for it.
but no one can help the way they feel.
he assured me that what they had was nothing serious and it was way back when they were 12 but she seemed upset by it even though she said she didn't care.
oh well though. all is done. i did what i did. i have no regrets. i feel a little bad, but it's impossible to change the way you feel.
and honestly, if she were to date one of my exes, i may get upset by it, but people do what they want or what they feel is right for whatever reasons. i wouldn't hate her. i'd get over it.
(plus.. like i said. we're not even best friends anymore.)
Well it creates a bit of a nasty love-triangle, but he's not yours anymore so it doesn't really matter. Plus, its not like he broke your heart. That would be a bitch move on her part, but you two mutually split, so who cares.
Also, your ex sounds like a baby for getting upset that you started dateing someone else.. duh, it was bound to happen eventually.
You have already started dating--you shouldn't be so attached to your exboyfriend's possible--romantic ties. You did say the break-up was mutual, so there's nothing bad to keep your bestfriend from. The way you're looking at this, though, is as an ex-girlfriend, not a friend.
I'm an ex-girlfriend myself, and I have to say that things are only awkward between exes when there are still feelings for one another (or from just one to the other). If there were truly no more feelings between each other, then you'd call the ex-boyfriend a friend instead. Yet here you are, pondering about the exboyfriend-bestfriend thing. I understand you've been with him for a long time, but you shouldn't hate your bestfriend for this.
In all honesty, I really don't mind because my exes and I are friends. We might have gone out and had a thing together, but that's all blown over.
Point : You have the right to say things as her bestfriend, but not her almost-boyfriend's ex-girlfriend.
After all, you are in a relationship already. But take this-- why are you thinking about this when you're in a relationship with someone else?
Well, I'm coming from your best friend's pov. I am dating my best friend's ex. But I have been friends with him for three years where as she has known him for two. But we,as people, don't choose who we love. It happens, and you can't blame people for falling in love. You could always talk to her about it, but I would probably just let them be happy. You moved on and so has he, it just happened to be your best friend. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy no matter what? My bf thinks that she hates him, not too sure if they figured that out yet, but hating him won't really change anything. And you should ask yourself "do I still love him?" if you don't then let them be happy, and if you do then you should tell your friend how you feel and work it out. And yes, anyone would probably be upset but, if you two broke up then doesn't that mean it wasn't meant to work out? Maybe those two might not work out either but at least give them a chance to try it out. Everyone needs a chance.
I think it says a lot about him that he's going after your friend after things ended with you. It's my opinion that people do that when they're trying to relive the days when they were with the original. There are a million other girls out there--why else would he feel the need to go after your best friend, of all people? Chances are, he finds her to be similar to you...and he misses you, so he's filling that hole in his heart with the closest thing he can find.
Good for you for moving on and dating someone else (hopefully not someone that knew or was friends with your ex...the only way you'll ever get over an ex is to branch out and stop dating people in the same circle as your ex!). I think you have every right to be a little angry if it ever happens, especially since this is your "best friend" and she should be on your team first and foremost. Your friend is inconsiderate if she actually hooks up with someone you were in a long-term relationship with, and I think he's desperate and lonely if he's actually going to go after your best friend. Hopefully nothing happens between the two of them, because I think that's majorly pathetic on both their parts if it does, but either way, you're better than that. :)
i would be really upset if my best friend dated any one of my exes. it's a friend policy that you should never date each other's ex's. it's lame if you can't find someone else to date other than your best friend's ex.
well if you broke up with someone, and there's no attachment left, why would you mind if they started dating? i know if my friends dated my exes, i wouldn't care - in fact, if there was a chance they could be happy I would root for them...i wouldn't want to be the reason or stand in the way of their happiness, and as a friend, i would want my best friend to be happy.
in most cases i would say no, best friends should not date ex boyfriends, however, in my case all of my ex's i haven't really liked, i broke up with them, we are on decent terms, and i have NO feelings towards them other than i didn't really like them for myself, so i would be fine if my friend dated them. but, for example, if my current boyfriend broke up with me and then my friend wanted to date him, i would say NO, because i care about him a great deal and i would be very upset about the break-up. so in that case, absolutely not.
My take on it is that if you and your SO were serious, which clearly in this case you were, it is not okay for them to date. I say this, because while right now you may not think you care if they date them now... at some point you are going to start hearing from your friend about him and I don't think that is something you would be very comfortable with.
@mewithoutu77@xanga - I agree with you on that.
My policy (and most of my guy friends would agree) is to not date any of my friends' exes, or to date any of my exes' friends. Breaking those rules would just hurt someone's feelings and bring a lot of unwanted drama to the situation.
I've been there. Only on your best friend's pov. Still kinda dealing with it actually. Her and my current SO broke up, then him and I got together. We had been talking prior and were pretty good friends beforehand. My best friend had also moved on by this point. Well, when him and I got together, we were both pretty hesitant about telling her. She blew up at me, saying that she felt betrayed, etc etc. While her and my friendship is pretty much ok, it really messed things up for him and her. Like Punked Out Love said, we cant choose who we love, it just kind of happens. If the tables were turned, yeah..I'd be hurt, but I'd want the best for my best friend and my ex. If that means the two of them together, then ok. As far as should you hate them? I think hate is a very strong word. You might be hurt by it, but it'll get better.
I've been there. Only on your best friend's pov. Still kinda dealing with it actually. Her and my current SO broke up, then him and I got together. We had been talking prior and were pretty good friends beforehand. My best friend had also moved on by this point. Well, when him and I got together, we were both pretty hesitant about telling her. She blew up at me, saying that she felt betrayed, etc etc. While her and my friendship is pretty much ok, it really messed things up for him and her. Like Punked Out Love said, we cant choose who we love, it just kind of happens. If the tables were turned, yeah..I'd be hurt, but I'd want the best for my best friend and my ex. If that means the two of them together, then ok. As far as should you hate them? I think hate is a very strong word. You might be hurt by it, but it'll get better.
I don't see a problem with it. If you weren't over your ex, then I could see why you wouldn't want her dating him. But since you started dating again, they should assume that you are over him (I know, a poor assumption to make, but I think one that should be made anyway even if to just make a point).
The reason he's attached to her is because I assume he was friends with her while you two were dating, since SO's tend to share friends to an extent. He was someone she could talk to about how he felt because she knows you. Then he felt attached because of how much they'd been talking, and there you go. That's how I imagine it happening anyway. So yes, he could have found someone else, but she was there when he needed someone most.
i find it strange when best friends think it's okay to do that, even after they know their friend is bothered by it. i always feel strange moving in on a close friend's ex.
i wouldnt want my bff to date my ex. that would be weird. and same goes for me, no matter how hot he is or amazing, i wouldnt date my friend's ex. i mean theres a reason i broke up with my ex, so why would you go and date?? its very very strange.
I think it depends on the people involved and how serious the actual sitaution is, I think you've got a lot of thinking to do about how you really feel - because you do need to tell your friend, but it's not for sure she'll listen to you, though. But, you can't hate her for it!
mostly what other people have said. i didnt read everyones comments but i want to throw in: she should make sure he actually has feelings for her and isnt just out to get some bitter form of "revenge" or something. people do weird things when injured.
This is my perspective. Just because it didn't work out for you two doesn't mean it cannot work out for someone else, even if it means that someone is your bestfriend.
But if it were me, I would be upset too. You just have to think about the positive side. Afterall, you are in a relationship, you should be happy. The one thing that would worry me most is the ex boyfriend using the bestfriend as a rebound.
Cause apparently, few say that it takes guys longer to get over a girl than for a girl to get over a guy.
i think they should AT LEAST ask you or consult you about it first
*personal experience*
Depends on the break up. If it was mutual and neither one of you care for each other like that anymore I don't see any harm in it.
*Personal Experience*
I dated my ex's friend.... who was also one of my friends' ex.
We didn't know that her friend was my ex... but I met her through her ex who was my friend.
It was an interesting relationship that COULD have worked out, but for personal reasons, only lasted 2.5 weeks.
It's anyone's call.
i've kinda been there, on your side.
It's not worth losing your best friend over. Just let them both get on with whatever they want to do; but keep hold of her. If it creates problems between the two of you (which if you're dating, hopefully shouldn't) then she should remember the whole 'hoes before bros' thing <- ... I really don't know what it is for girls... Sisters before misters?
depends on who the boyfriend is. but it would be a bit uncomfortable in general. But hey, you'll get over it. Besides, things just happens sometimes
You know what I think? I think you should get over it. It sounds like he isn't trying to piss you off, but just move on. Be adult about it.
You started dating less than a month after you broke up with your long term boyfriend? That's told him that you are over him and he wants to move on too. So let him.
In the end, you can't help who you fall for.