Tuesday, 01 September 2009
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Should You Date Your Best Friend?
The idea of romantically or sexually thinking about or even longing for a best friend of the opposite (or same) sex is nothing new in the dating world. We see this situation come up in the lyrics of Taylor Swift songs and movies such as When Harry Met Sally. When you have so much in common with someone and spend such a large amount of time together, you are almost always going to end up falling for them... Right?In case you haven't be in this situation before, I'll share my example. My best guy friend, let's call him Riley, and I first became good friends while I had a boyfriend, so it was one of those comfortable friendships where you don't worry about the guy only befriending you because he wants something more. We just had very compatible personalities; we could make each other laugh more than anyone else but we could also comfortably talk about serious issues with each other. I considered him like a brother to me.
Well fast forward about a year and a half. After I had broken up with my boyfriend, Riley and I began spending even more time together. I considered him just as good if not better a friend than most of my closest girlfriends. He would call me almost every night and we would talk on the phone for hours. This was when we were still in high school, so we went as each others dates to banquets and prom. Most people thought we were dating. However, it wasn't until the end of senior year that I began to feel attracted to Riley on a different level.
I confided in this fact with a few close girlfriends but decided I could never tell Riley because I thought the idea of us dating was too weird and if we even tried it would ultimately end up ruining our friendship, plus we would both be going off to different colleges in the fall so it would just be too hard. However, a drunken night led to a drunken phone call, which led to me confessing my feelings to a shocked Riley. We didn't talk for a few days after and when we finally did I told him all the reasons why I liked him but just couldn't possibly date him. He told me it was the nicest and meanest thing anyone had ever said to him. We went through a short awkward phase and then everything was back to normal. At least I thought so.
Fast forward to winter break, we come back from college still single and our friendship, though not quite is strong as before, has not changed too much. This time I decide that I want to give having an actual relationship with Riley a try, but when I tell Riley this he tells me that it's too late. He still loves me as a friend but doesn't think we should date for all the same reasons I explained to him the previous summer.
Ever since that moment our relationship changed. We are still good friends but there is this bitterness between us now that we can't seem to shake off. We fight a lot and don't have late night phone conversations or even really hang out besides in large groups of friends anymore.
Basically, having feelings for and trying to date my best friend ended up ruining a great friendship and honestly I'm not as disappointed in the fact that we didn't ever date as I am in the fact that I ever told him how I felt to begin with. Has anyone else been in a situation like this?
When a friendship goes from a brother/sister-like bond to a mutual romantic attraction, is it worth it to risk losing or ruining the friendship to tell your best friend how you feel? Or is it better to push these feelings aside in order to keep a strong friendship and leave your romantic possibilities open?
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About the Author
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- From: meowmeow
- About Me: 20 yr old college student.
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Comments (88)
NO.
I think that if you have feelings for someone, you let them know. Yeah it could make things complicated if the feelings aren't reciprocal... but at least you won't be living your life thinking "what if?"
I'd say no... but there are a few situations where it works out fine in the end. Maybe you should take the risk and tell him, at least you'd have that heavy load off your shoulders. Even if things don't work out, at least you won't be asking yourself ten years from now how things would have turned out differently if you told him.
@eliitequotess@xanga - I agree.
I was in EXACT same situation last year. i met him at a party, met him randomly, started talking randomly and we just couldnt stop talking to each other. in matter of few months, we were best of friends.
i wasnt this close to my girlfriends than i was close to him - he understood me, respected me, cared for me, made me laugh, we finished each other sentences, we could read each others minds, we had long long phone conversation, we both celebrated my birthday by talking on the phone for 10 hours till the sun came up (he was out of town that day)...
basically, he was my second half. then i started to have feelings for him and he noticed it too but he didnt say anything because he thought it'd be awkward for me, but then one day i told him and even though he didnt return the same feelings, he was glad that i told him because i was acting weird.
he said he loved me as the closest friend he ever had and always will. it's been a year and half to that situation, and i thank god that our relationship has gotten stronger.
Now he has a girlfriend of his own, and i'm very very happy for him and not a bit jealous, because i know he'll be there for me, and i'll be there for him.
And im glad i have him as my best friend, who knows me more than anyone does and cares for me more than ANYONE does and loves me more than my dad does.
I would say it'd be the best relationship if you are dating your best friend, but then, in my opnion i wouldnt because god forbid, if we ever got together, and then broke up it'd be the end of our not only the relationship but our long lasting friendship as well.
YES. Better to regret doing something then to regret not having done it.
Well I had a best friend, of two years, and one summer came around and we didn't really talk because he was out of the country for most of the summer. He came back and he called me and asked me if I ever liked him as more than a friend. (I had a boyfriend at the time.) I told him that I did and had for a while, and he told me the same, and he told me that he was willing to wait until I wasn't in a relationship to try anything with me. I agreed, and we waited. School began and my boyfriend and I broke up. Him and I began spending more time together, and it ended up with us hooking up. We kind of tried dating but realized it just wasn't working out. It wasn't how we thought it was going to be you know? And we decided to end it and said that our friendship wasn't going to change. After that, things weren't the same. We kind of just drifted apart slowly. Things just weren't the same you know? So to answer you question, no, I don't think you should date your best friend, unless you are willing to risk a great friendship.
I think you should be best friends before you date. Or at least really good friends. I don't see dating like I used to, though. I think that if you find someone attractive and you want to date them, you should just be friends first. Dating can come later. No reason to rush anything. This is just in my lifestyle, though.
My boyfriend is my longtime best friend. 4 years of friendship before we began dating. Yep, took a risk. All began when I crushed on him 2 years prior to us dating, and he didn't feel the same way back. Wishful thinking got the best of me and the crush wouldn't go away. Finally, I gave up trying, and sure enough, he developed feelings for me back. Have been dating for 11 months, coming up on a year. Best relationship I have EVER had. Wouldn't trade it for anything. We are so comfortable around each other, we know our strengths and weaknesses. What I like most is that just being with him inspires me to be the best I can be, physically mentally emotionally spiritually you name it. And that in turn keeps our connection strong. We're definitely a team.
Unfortuately, it doesn't work with everyone. I've seen it backfire with others. Don't know until you try, really.
@Mary - That is the kind of relationship I want to have when (if) I do get in a relationship.
sure but youre not friends once you start dating and start kissing and/or fucking; whatever comes first or last..........
It's important to be friends before getting serious. If you can't be best friends, there's no point in anything beyond platonic friendship anyway.
it's a tough call... if you break up, you'd lose a girlfriend and a best friend... the same thing happened to me and I can tell you that it's not something you hope to never experience... I'm still handling the repercussions.
I don't really have any advice because I am going through this right now. I spent a few months pushing my best friend away by picking fights with him and just being mean to him. He didn't deserve it, but I guess it was my way of trying to introduce negativity to override the feelings I (apparently) have for him (doesn't work!). He was hurt and confused as to why I treated him like this. I didn't know why, until a bit later, when I figured it out. We've been best friends for about 4 years, and he tells me he loves me like his sister. He tells me I'm more important than any girl he'll ever date. He also jokes about marrying me. Rather, he doesn't laugh anymore; he says it matter-of-factly, and quite often. Regardless, I know that that he'll never risk our friendship to fall in love with me. It's just something I have to get over, I guess, and it will take a lot of time. I feel that your significant other should be your best friend. But, my question is, do relationships with best friends of the opposite sex have time limits? As in, do they eventually expire?
I have to be honest with you, I am absolutely terrified of getting married. All of the males in my family for the past 3 generations have each gotten married and divorced several times. Each time, it was like a piece of them had been destroyed and crudely rebuilt over time...But I will not allow my fears to prevent me from asking my future wife to marry me. I owe myself the joy of a marriage.
Similarly, I am terrified of having children. The massive amount of responsibility to care for someone's up-bringing like that scares the hell out of me. If I'm a horrible father or if I can't even provide for them, my children will hate me forever...But I will not allow my fears to prevent me from starting a family with my future wife. I owe myself the joy of a family.
Such it is with your situation. Less serious perhaps, but even still...no relationship comes without risks involved. Sometimes, those risks are more consequential than others, but you cannot be too afraid to deprive yourself of a lifetime of happiness. If your best friend is also the person that you can spend the rest of your life with, then why shouldn't you at least give it a shot? You can find friends anywhere, but the person that may very well become your spouse someday is somewhat harder to find...This happened to me. It's not a fun situation =/
My bestfriend and I have this problem consistently.... but it's switched with us. He's the one who likes me... but we don't let that get in between our friendship. We argue and we get mad at each other so much, and our friendship became rock bottom at one or two points because of jealousy or tangled feelings, but we kept at it and we both didn't want to let go of the friendship, so we became more understanding now and our friendship has grown into a new level. [major run on... sorry] My bestfriend still likes me, but I'll listen and just explain why I don't like him or why I wouldn't see a relationship in him and he just tries to accept and understand. I think if you're willing to accept that he wouldn't like you or ever will....you guys can keep being bestfriends, but that's the only way the friendship can get back to how it was. i hope this kinda helps...? :] not really.. ahha but yeahs =] that's my point of view.
I'm dating my best friend. We felt a lot for each other while both of us were in other relationships. After a coupel of years of hardship high school, we eventually worked things out the hard way, he asked me out, and we've been together ever since. I'm so in love with him and he's very in love with me as well. I feel complete with him being my best friend and my love <3
It only works if you both feel it.
@BaNaNaBrEaD4@xanga - my bestfriend used to do this to me too when he liked me... as a matter of fact, he still does! haha. i just tell him to shut up and that he KNOWS i'm awesome :] hahah.... it does still get to me sometimes though, so try not to be so hard on him.
i don't think friendship ever expires if two people are willing to keep at it. my bestfriend's kids and my kids will be bestfriends! haha. that's what we say anyway :P
for me, there are two types of guy friends: the brotherly guy friend, and the potential boyfriend guy friend. no guy has ever changed types on me. ever.
if my best guy friend was the brotherly guy (which they usually are) then obviously no. but in the rare couple cases where my best friend was boyfriend material, it ended up working out really well, however we never remained friends for long after. so no, i probably would not try to date a best friend again.
is mine. idk. i dont feel like telling the WHOLE story, i feel like i post it in every other datingish comment, but ... well sometimes your feelings give you no choice you know?
i was talking to him, my best friend of 5 years, over aim, about 2 weeks after he broke up with his miserable gf of 3 years. (his words, not saying that out of any bitterness.) he was talking to me about some other chick and how he was gonna stay up late cause he liked "listening to her talk" and i was thinking "wow pukesickle.." so i just said, "i like listening to you talk..." and then signed off, cause i was scared. that was all i said. it was left for interpretation.
luckily, the correct one. and his feelings were very much reciprocated, that other chick evaporated, lol, or so it seemed, and we've been at it QUITE happily for about a year and a half.
sometimes, i worry that if we broke up, we certainly couldnt continue being friends. then i see him smiling at me. and i think ... well. right now. its worth it.
why regret it though.
i mean as much as you guys are best friends
friends come and go, even if this didnt happen eventually you guys may still be friends but not as close...
maybe im being bitter but i would rather try and persuade in love and if it doesnt work? nothing is ever worth regretting...
Keeping all feelings safe inside me would probably just make me go crazy and misdirect myself. I'll probably give myself the illusion that i love him more than i think i do
though, i think if u really do treat riley as a best friend and you still want to maintain it.. you should talk to him about this "bitterness" that you guys cant get over... or at least, write him a letter.
I'm in a very similar situation, only I'm refraining from telling the guy because I'm really scared that it'll mess up our friendship. maybe I'm making the right decision..
Your friendship is awkward because you said you liked him and said "BUT WE CAN'T DATE", not because you said you like him.
He's right, you missed your shot, it's no more or less complicated than that.
@eliitequotess@xanga - I have to whole heartedly agree.
I had a similar experience in High School. The thing was, I did confess my feelings to him, and then one of my really close girlfriends got with him instead of me. I told her it was ok, despite what I felt. It led to a really messy ending of two friendships and all of that. Fast forward almost 10 years later, we're back to being friends, but it's definitely not the same. The "what-ifs" just aren't a place that you want to be.