Sunday, 30 August 2009
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He Wants Me to Move Away with Him..
My boyfriend of almost a year recently got a job offer at a company on the other side of the country. He told me he plans on accepting the offer which means that he'll be packing up his things and moving to another province in only a few months. He also asked me if I want to move with him (he's giving me some time to think this over).I feel conflicted about this decision. If I decide to move with him, I doubt my parents would be happy about that. They're pretty strict and since I'm the only child, they wouldn't want their only daughter to move so far away from them unless I got married (which I don't want to do anytime soon). They are one of the main factors behind me hesitating to move because I doubt they would even listen to me about this.
However, I do want to share this whole experience with my boyfriend - to explore a city where you don't know anyone and make new friends. Also, I don't think I can handle a long-distance relationship. I want to be able to hug and kiss my boyfriend, touch his face, and hold his hands; I don't want to have to rely on Skype to see and talk to him.
I don't know what to do. He said he plans on staying in the new city for a few years to gain experience, but I believe there's always a chance he could change his mind and decide to live there permanently. So, should I just tough it out until he moves back? Have you ever been in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it?
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Comments (27)
Lol, this post is so ironic to me. My girlfriend of six months lives three blocks away, and almost the only contact we have, is on skype. Without skype, we would seriously only see each other once a week, if that, AND it's only for two or three hours....
If at all possible, try and avoid the whole long distance deal, it's uncomfortable for both partners. Try and talk to your parents, see if they'll understand where you're coming from, and as a last resort, see if they're up for a change of scenery. Suggest moving to the new city themselves, or at least a city near yours.
i know you're being "anonymous," but you haven't mentioned an age, and when you're involving your parents in on this, it makes me wonder if you are fresh out of high school/in your early 20s. the only thing i would suggest is especially in this economy right now, if you are going to move with your boyfriend, make sure you find a job where he is moving to, 'cause i was recently unemployed back in April for 2 months and as a single mom, that scared the CRAP out of me. (I actually thought I was going to have to move back in with my mom and dad...and btw, i just turned 28 in july)
wanting to respect the way your parents think about your decisions isn't a bad thing, but don't let what they would think about you affect every decision you make in your life. you can't please them all the time! maybe do a trial "2-3 month" stay with him and see how that goes. if things work out, great....but if they don't, at least you're giving yourself a time frame to give yourself a chance to step back and give yourself some time to get things back in order. i wouldn't suggest rushing into marriage just because he's moving away. unlike what society makes us believe, marriages aren't daisies and rainbows. there are lots of compromises and hard things to deal with (i.e. finances, different personalities/beliefs, etc.). i would basically let him know that you want to "test it out" and ask him if you can go with him to look for a potential job, etc. if you start to see things not working out, it's probably a sign that you're going to have to step up how much the two of you put into the relationship or maybe a break is what you guys will need to piece things together.
I was absolutely in the same situation. When I met my husband, he was in grad school and planning on moving away. He planned on being flexible as to where he went job-wise, and it was always in the back of my mind that he would be moving away. We had only been dating for about five months when he asked me to move with him after he graduated, to wherever he ended up. I told him absolutely. I didn't have any hesitation. I knew there was no way I'd be able to be without him, so getting left behind wasn't an option. Still, at this point, there'd been no talk of marriage, and though I'd said the L-word, he hadn't yet. My parents were definitely not happy, however, they realized I was old enough to make my own decisions. My mom also commented that she'd never seen me so sure of anything before.
So I did it. My point being, if the only thing stopping you is your parents, and YOU don't have any other hesitations, then go for it. Sometimes, you need to take that leap of faith. If nothing else, you can move back home if it doesn't work. I'll warn you though--the first year or so can be rough, mainly because I'd left all of my friends and family at home (living with him was never a problem.) It was a hard adjustment for me, but after three years, I'm pretty well settled, and I never regretted my decision (obviously, since I married him
)
Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide. I hope your parents are supportive of your decision
-Katie
You are an adult I'm assuming. Whether or not you want to move to the other side of the country should not be based on your parent's opinion. No, I'm not saying you don't tell them a thing. It would be nice to talk it over with your parents but you are an adult, ultimately you make the decision whether or not you stay or go.
@spyderwebb27@xanga - lol why is your only communication with her skype if she lives three blocks away?
Respecting your parents' opinion and what they think is a great thing, but you can't let it affect you from deciding what you really want. At a certain point, you need to be YOU and decide what's the best decision for you and what's right and not let your parents' ideals get in the way. it's a great thing to keep in mind, you just can't let it determine everything and rule your life more than you do.
If you feel like moving in with him to a new city is what's best, then you should do that. LDR's are extremely hard, and it's not easy to just rely on skype. If given that kind of opportunity, I know I would take it in an instant, even if my parents wouldn't be completely okay with it.
lawl she 3 block away and u skype zomg dat funny
@spyderwebb27@xanga - -cough- -cough-....^-^
Generally, I think a lot of girls will say not to do anything unless he puts a rock on your finger. But, I think it depends on several things. First, how old are you? If you are young (say early 20s), then expecting a ring is a big over-reaching (this is a very NYC mentality) and so moving is asking for too much from you. If you are say 26ish (or older) then I think it is totally fine for you to move with him, without a ring. You are old enough to make a decision on your own (after considering your own career, how you like the new city, if you can see youself living there minus him if you break up, etc.).
Secondly, if you are both at the age where you are both looking to settle down, then him asking you to move likely "implies" that he intends to marry you. Most guys (the ones you dated for a while now, so it's safe to say they do care about you) will not ask you to make such a drastic move for him unless they are planning/thinking about something further down the line.
It sounds like you want a bit of a change of scenery yourself. Exploring a city together sounds like a lot of fun (I know people who ended up dating and then getting maried as a result of the exploration).
The best thing to do is to talk to him about what moving means - will you guys be living together (are you ok with that), what does it mean for your relationship, etc.
Hope that helps.
@tastytimmm@xanga - Because of her super controlling parents... That's virtually the only reason. If it weren't for that we'd see each other day in and day out, mosy likely.
@t_zie@xanga - Yeah, when we're not on the phone. Thank God for free mobile-to-mobile, right? lol but yeah, We'd both rather see each other more often, but her parents won't allow it... more than once a week is a good week, lol
I know at this time, you probably want to move with him but think it through before you actually decide first. this is a big commitment. why don't you two try the long distance thing for a little bit first then also try going to visit him and see how you like it then make a decision. i had a friend who did that once and it didn't turn out the way they planned it and it ended badly. i'm not trying to discourage you from your decision, but just think it through first.
i'm in that kind of a sitch right now. and let me just tell you that from the sound of your post, you're a young woman and you have a lot of Life ahead, so you need to be thinking of you and your life first because that's what your man is doing. he got this job offer and is arranging things according to how life is giving it and you have to do the same. if it has to be in terms of "toughing it out", then yes i say you should do that because there will be plenty of time to live with someone. Also, if you guys haven't lived with each other yet, then it isn't a wise idea to move to a new area and force yourselves to live with each other since you haven't had the experience of doing living together yet.
plan to stay there for a few months, and see how things go first!
that's tough!
my boyfriend actually moved in with me before we were even technically together! and we only lived an hour apart, but if he hadn't moved in we would never have seen each other and he had already gotten away from me once and i wasn't going to let that happen again. somehow we've worked out...8 months dating and 9 months living together.
i agree, sometimes you have to take that leap. long distance is really, really hard, whether it's for a couple months or longer. and it will be hard to adjust to a new place and new friends, but it is doable. just make sure you don't get sucked into each other and lose any potential social life. but i'd say at least try and talk to your parents and see what they think. and i agree, a decided trial period of a few months is a good idea, but instead of 3 or 4 i'd say 6, because there's a lot of adjusting to do the first few months, and you're gonna need a bit of time to actually get into the life you would be living. and yes, find a job too if you can!
good luck.
It depends on your age, what you're doing with YOUR life [school? work?], and your relationship with your boyfriend. The best I can say is if you decide NOT to go, give the relationship a break until he moves back. It'll be tough, but easier on both of you than committing to a long distance relationship with no predetermined time line as to when he'll for sure move back.
I'm in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I live on the east coast. He recently decided he wanted to move to Colorado. I am finishing up my last year of college here, and JUST got a job. He wants to leave in about a year. I'm torn. >_<
For the love of god, DO NOT let your parents influence you decision. THEY WILL LIVE. Yes, that sounds a bit harsh. But it's true. Your parents want you to be happy, and while it may take some time, eventually they realize that if you decide to move with him, it's just something that you have to do. (can you tell i speak from a bit of experience here?)
I moved 14 hours away, from my home in the US to Ontario Canada to be with my boyfriend (now husband). My family wasn't happy, but they got over it. They realized that it was just something I had to do, and they saw how happy I was and am while I'm here. They miss me, and I miss them, but they respect that I'm doing something that I need to do. While it's not the exact same situation, I can relate to the family part. It's hard to move away from your family, but if you feel like where you need to be is with your boyfriend, then go. It's a big change, and you'll miss your family, but if that's where you think you should be, then go be there.
Do what you feel is best for you, not best for your parents. If you make a mistake, then atleast its yours and not your parents'.
@goofball4@xanga - Agreed.
It depends on how serious you two are and if you two are contemplating marriage in the long run. If your guts instinct tells you it will be a good thing, move with him. If you are going to miss your parents, your friends, you can always wait a few months for him to settle down and for you to get ready for the move. You don't have to move in with him at the same time, you can wait it out.
Think about what you have to do if you two broke up...move back home, explain to your parents what happened...your friends...
Most people will thinking of living together as a stepping stone to getting married.
break up. ull find someone else. Its not like hes turning down the position to stay with you..
As it has been noted, you should obviously 'soulsearch' about if you have any doubts about him. In another words, your relationship time of about a year should be reflected upon.
Honestly, though a "leap of faith" and a "change of scenery" are extreme portions of life experience. Even if it doesn't work out, don't you think you'll have gained more than almost everything else that has previously occured in your life?
@akatiegirl - "We had only been dating for about five months when he asked me to move with him after he graduated, to wherever he ended up. I told him absolutely. I didn't have any hesitation. "
Hm. Perhaps let him move and have a few weeks to himself to get settled in. Then try and make such a decision after you see how it begins to affect your relationship. It will be tough to be in a long distance relationship... However, moving in with someone can be just as tough, if that's what you're thinking. If you're moving into your own place, that would be a little better, I'd say. What would you do while you're over there, though? How will you provide for yourself, you know? You have to consider things like that, too. And do you feel like this could be the one you'll spend the rest of your life with or not? Consider that, too. If he is hopefully your now and forever, so to speak, then it won't be quite as scary to move over there.
You have to make this choice though. If it were me, I would allow him to move first and see how things go. That's me, though.
Wish you the best, girl,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
@freeeker@xanga - Oh, I bet. I was in a similar situation recently too. I got offered a job dealing with my degree that I would have enjoyed, I'm pretty sure. I had to turn it down though, because it came only a few months before I had planned to move into my boyfriend's area and find work up here. (Not in that order, though. I found a job first, of course.) Haha. Now, I'm having serious trouble finding work to make ends meet. I guess I may have to consider trying to handle two part-time jobs or some such to stay in his area and be near him.
But yeah, it really has a way of tearing a person in two. n.n; haha
Depends how much you have riding for you where you are now. If you really don't have anything where you are, then I guess I don't see a problem. But I wouldn't see it as worth it if you already have a job set up, or are going to school, things like that. I know you don't want to hear this, but who knows if you two will end up together in the long run anyway? My advice is take him out of the picture for a second and think about how moving across the country would affect your life if you were single. If it wouldn't really affect your life that much or would make it better, then go for it. But if it would tear down your life badly so you'd have to build again from the bottom up, something that's not so easy to do if you already have a lot invested in being where you are, then they the long distance thing.