"I love you," she said to me.
One of the phrases I dread the most is this - "I love you." In fact, I dread it so much as to almost have an anxiety attack the first time I hear someone declare it. No, really - I do.
Allow me to explain.
Firstly - love is not what most people think love is. A large number of people - most people, probably - don't mean love when they say love. They mean some cheap imitation of love - the Walmart $5 imitation knockoff of love instead of the real deal. What do I mean?
Saying you love someone has no direct connection with whether or not you love them. I can say I love you, but if it's not something I either have, or would be willing, to pay a great price (not simply monetarily), then it is certainly not love. Love costs.
So, a night ago, when someone said that dreaded phrase - "I love you" - for the first time, i immediately, subconsciously, asked myself the question - is this something that they are willing to pay for? If it's not, then it's not love, and they are confused. The truth is, they were willing to pay.
Secondly, Love is more than what we are willing to pay for, with our blood, sweat, tears, energy, money, and emotions. Love is also reflected in commitment.
Love is not a passing fancy. If it was a passing fancy, then, by definition, it wouldn't be love, because then they wouldn't be different words with different definitions. It wouldn't be lust for that reason, or conquest, or anything of the sort. It would be a series of actions that commit themselves long-term to someone - not simply the acting on an infatuation.
I thought about all the other times that people have said that they loved me, and lied, because it was only a short term thing. They "loved" me until it was inconvenient, and then they "loved" me no more. In truth, they never loved me at all - they just proclaimed it, perhaps out of self delusion, or perhaps out of a dishonest heart. But, regardless of why they said it, they DID in fact say it, and untruthfully.
So, when the person told me that they love me, I asked myself - are they a person who is expressing commitment in what they said? If they are not committed, then, it is not love. It is infatuation, or lust, or interest. It is not love. And I knew, surely, that this person was committed by what they said, and that they meant it.
Thirdly, a person who loves you needs you. I know it sounds perhaps a bit romantic, but ask a genuinely committed couple - whether it is a couple of best friends, or a couple of lovers - they need the other person if they genuinely love the person. Need them because they help them understand themselves better. Or need them because they make their worlds brighter, lovelier, happier. Or need them because they know the other person holds the darkness of the world away from them. Or needs them because they know that the other person has eyes to see what they cannot. Those who love, have a deep, and soul-felt need for the other.
I love my friends for the ways that I need them, and how they help me. If you do not need someone, need them to make your life richer than it would be without them, then it is not love there. It is something less. Something different - something poorer. It is not love.
And so, I asked myself is it possible that this person needs me in some way? And the truth is, they have expressed a need, in many ways without realizing that they have expressed that need - in a genuine way.
Then, I began to reflect on my own thoughts, and asked - do I need them? I surely do. Would I pay for them? I surely would. Was I committed? I surely was.
There however, is the 4th, and perhaps most dreadful thing of love. The question of do they want it to be love? Love, you see, is an act of willing. You have to genuinely wish to love that person in such a way that it won't die. You have to will to love them.
At some times, a person does not wish to love another person, though they are attracted to them, committed, paying, and all the others. They see all these things, but there is something else in their life, where they choose to say and do something which are not the same.
We've all been there, too. Wanting something, needing something, committed to something... but there is something else, something we never knew would interfere (usually another love relationship) - which is holding us back from this last step - to will to love. I asked myself then, am I willing to love her? Yes. Yes I was. But there was still one question to be asked...
And so, I asked myself, is she willing to love me? And I knew... the answer was no.
Love is a tricky thing, sometimes.
All this went through my head in a few seconds, just like that, and I said to her, knowing her so well, after all our time together, and all our secrets shared - and I said "No, you don't."
I wonder if she ever will?
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Comments (38)
I doubt it, not after you said "no, you don't".
Love is not an act of willing. Love is something I refer to as Stercus Accidit or Shit Happens. Also there is no way in hell for someone to know what most people think love is. Also if you ask the question such as "Is it love?" then most probably it is not. Just my 2 cents.
I don't think you can analyze someone else's feelings. There are no concrete emotional truths. We are all different.
And I sure wouldn't love you after you told me I didn't.
I strongly dislike people with such high standards. If you think she doesn't love you, then you don't love her. Get a fucking life seriously. She wouldn't be with you after all your time together and after "all secrets shared" if she didn't.
People like you really really suck. Thanks for breaking the poor girl's heart, now good luck finding someone who will tolerate you.
wow, strong responses. I would have said it more gently :p
You know what? I loved how this was written. And even though people are going to give you crap for it (as they already have), I don't think you're trying to be rude or insincere. You're just analyzing.
It takes time to love someone completely, unconditionally and with no fear. It takes growing. She'll love you.
Waaaay to complicate something as SIMPLE as love, its either you do or you dont.
It's sort of unfair for you to determine whether you think she is "willing" to love you, or not. She could just as easily say that you have no right or knowledge to tell her what she is willing to do...and she'd be right.
I'm gonna leave this one up to the general public, though. I'm sure a lot of people will have a lot of things to say about this one.
@Dustin_wind@xanga - As harsh as others may think this was, I agree with you.
I think you need to stop overthinking things and just go with the flow for a change. No one is going to love you if you keep on denying their feelings.
@LonerB@xanga - Totally agree with you. If you questioning it, you are not secure with your affection towards this person.
I used to be like you but I wrote a poem in 9th grade, pretty much love is this abstract emotion that leads to millions of actions and reactions. If you ask 5 people what they think love is, I doubt you will have a generic answer.
If I was in her place, I wouldn't be too happy with your thought process. Sometimes when you overlook "love" you just become obsessed with finding the answer. You can read blogs, articles, and books, it will probably give you some sense of gratification for a second, but honestly when you "love" someone that is your personal experience.
Some crazy people love each other, they do silly things, blurt it out to the world. Some people call it love to get into your pants.
Just have a level head and accept it , if she really does care for you.
@Dustin_wind@xanga - i agree with you.
she probably said with all her guts and you simply no you don't? if she really cares you and she said it then you should just accept it and go with the flow.
poor girl.
What a load of BS. Some of this is actually insightful, but it is by no means definitive. I like to think that love is one of those terms that, while it can be defined in many ways, every definition will be lacking in something for someone. There is no way to fully define it. This was well written, I'll give you that, still, I can't help but think you are over-analyzing and over-looking a huge part of what love is. Get over how you've been hurt in the past and just fall for it,. 'Cause you can't tell her what love is to her and, because of your strict definition, you could have just lost out big time. Accept a little risk. After all, if love has to cost something, and what more is there to
lose than bearing your soul and having it shoved back in your face? She did this. Can't you if you are indeed willing to love her?
I hope you don't generalize everything in your life.
@walkintotheseaaa@xanga - totally agree with this comment. I mean I analyze people all time, what is motivating them to do this or that--but when it comes to this girl making herself vulnerable and telling you that she has come to the point in your relationship that she has decided to love you because she feels like that is what she needs, how dare you tell her she doesn't? Who are you to tell her she doesn't based on your unfortunate past experiences? You think you do love her, right? Well I feel like if you can't trust her to know her own heart and respect her intellect enough to know she isn't just some silly girl who isn't "willing to love you" but is going to blurt it out anyway, then maybe you need to start over analyzing your feelings for her. If she said the "L" word, then out of all of those four conditions you mentioned, one thing I am sure of, she is willing to love you. The only way she can prove that is to tell you.
And you telling her "no you don't" is pretty disrespectful and patronizing.
@getta_ring_on_it - Absolutely!
@Fairywife@xanga - I second this.
@Dustin_wind@xanga - ahaha. agree.
I don't believe in the words i love you.
Great post. Finally, something worth reading on datingish!
This is definitely an interesting take on love. Great post.
This is an AMAZING post. :)
I get a lot of flack from thinking a little differently. And this isn't about the author of this post. It always bothered me that guys who don't even want to love a woman are the first to get it from her. My emotions built up very quickly starting in my middle school days. I noticed that guys who had no intention of falling in love were sleeping around. It caused great discomfort that those were also the one's that anyone I had a crush on were most likely to hang out with. It was because of that I questioned my own judgment and froze with disorienting thoughts every time I started to approach them. That, and having been picked on with even the nicest girls staying with them, made me hate how ridiculously shallow people are in general. If even the "good girls" weren't too judgmental toward or to quick to judge the guys who really do have deep hearts, they would be virgins until they marry one of those guys.
It is for this reason, and that those philanderers/jerks "never" grow up (even in their forties they act like childish asses); yet everyone still sees them as such sweethearts AND put me down for prioritizing love over lust AND money, that I could never stand being around people who do rotten or shallow things for fun. And I certainly don't want a woman who fell for one after rejecting and making fun of someone else for his pitiful attempt at her (clean) affection.
I believe it's better to love period. You don't have to be romantic with someone to love them. But if your love is real, and your judgment is sound, it automatically keeps you abstinent until you marry anyway. Then you can say "I love you" to anyone and it would be easy to believe.
Can you really blame someone for being so judgmental/analytical, when it's reactionary and based on all experiences, observations, and actually getting to know people, throughout life?
Wonderfully written.
I completely agree.
Like I've said before, Love is what drives this world. Lust doesn't. An engineer keeps improving designs because he/she loves it. A musician keeps writing or composing because he loves it. Love is commitment.
@soniiuh@xanga - @xXCrystal_RaindropsXx@xanga - @BlackJackBebe@xanga - Thank you all for agreeing. Yeah even I think it was a bit harsh, but the truth hurts. This guy just needs a few lessons on relationships.
This is a very well-written entry, and it seems you have a clear sense of what you expect in a long-term (if not everlasting) relationship.
My only critique would be that I think you should "relax" a little bit. Although your points make sense and are true for the most part (at least to me), I have learned that in order to know if someone truly loves you, you must take a chance at it. And, unfortunately, it seems as if this strict mindset of yours is hindering you from taking that "leap of faith." As well-thought out your "love checklist" is, one cannot so easily test the authenticity of one's feelings by simple comparison. Yes, it would be ideal if you found a person who satisfied all your standards - but, honestly, what are the chances of that happening? No one, no relationship, is perfect.
I hope you can be more open to love and be less critical/doubtful of
it. Yes, there will be those who may say it just to say it or mistake
it for something else, but that is the whole point of living and
learning. So in defense of this woman who spilled her heart out to you and you denying it, give her break... it's not her fault she's totally into you!