Wednesday, 26 August 2009
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For Four Years, My Family Has Never Tried to Like My BF
I have always had an issue with selfishness and negativity. I just cannot seem to find the silver lining in things. I am generally a very miserable person. I have a severe issue with laziness; it practically takes an act of God to make me want to do things besides sit in front of the computer or the TV. It has become an increasingly huge problem with my boyfriend, and I am skating on some very thin ice. It has to change. I don't want to lose him, and it is unfair for him to have to put up with this crap. Some background on me. I am 24, I still live at home. I have a younger brother who I never got along with until lately. Sharing was never my strong suit. My family is not very close. Sure, we live in the same house, but my parents are not supportive, they hate my job and my boyfriend (in the almost 4 years we have dated they have never tried to get to know him), and they want me out of the house, yesterday. I don't understand family closeness. I don't understand why you should inconvenience yourself and make yourself miserable by doing things you dislike for someone else. Why should I? Every time I have ever even attempted to do something nice for someone, I have ended up with something bad happening to me. What sort of life is that? I see my BF put himself out to help someone, and gets nothing but grief in the end.
How can I become less negative? What sort of tips do you have to help with the selfishness? Do any of you have a similar problem? I am pretty desperate for help at the moment.
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Comments (17)
I guess it's just our society that's like that.
I'm sure you'll find, later in life, people will appreciate the efforts you put in...maybe? :S
I'm selfish/negative too sometimes. You just really have to try to push yourself away from it. Don't dwell on the bad things in your life too much. Think about the positives, or how you could make all of the negatives more positive.
I think when you start to become a more positive and driven person, it helps a lot with the relationships you have with the people around you, especially your family. Maybe you should spend more time with them while being a more positive person. Show them that you're there for them. That's really important, even if you're not used to it or don't completely understand it. If that improves things, start trying to improve things with your boyfriend. Things will get a lot better for you when you decide that you've had enough with the negative, and are ready to make your life what you want it to be.
Datingish chose a horrible title but I see what you are trying to say. You have no intrinsic motiviation and extrinsic forces just annoy you. You need to find something to push you to achieve something. Do you want a nice house? A family of your own? Do you want to move out? Do you want a new tv? Do you want to keep your boyfriend? Anything can be used as motivation for you to get out and achieve.
Good luck.
Watch some of Dr. Wayne Dyer's videos (you can see some of them on Google Videos). He's a guru on positive, productive thinking.
Write down all the positives and all the negatives, you would be surprised that there aren't as many negatives as you think.
I think using your relationship with your boyfriend would be the biggest incentive. Doing nice things for people isn't terribly difficult. I know it's hard when you're used to negative reception, but try to set that aside. Realize that if you cannot learn to set yourself aside sometimes, you're probably always going to be alone. If you're ok with that, then cool, I guess. There are easy things to do that show you care for someone- pick them up some dinner if they're tired, tell them how much you love them when they seem down, get a movie they've wanted to see for a long time and order pizza for a night in, I don't know.
Also, the best way to change your viewpoint is to change your environment. Perhaps it's time to move out of Mom and Dad's. You'd be surprised at how much your outlook on life can change if you just move your location.
I read a lot of self help books.
And somewhere along the way, I became optimistic.
Hahaha.
Everyone has dreams, even you. (Getting your family to like you/keeping your bf... and i presume moving out of the house... sorry to break it to you, but if my child was 24, I'd want him/her out no matter how much I loved them.)
Stop being lazy, and start working on achieving your dreams.
About bad things happening to you after you do good deeds:
Keep working hard to do good deeds, and I believe you will eventually be rewarded. However, it should not be the promise of a reward that makes you do good deeds. Do them for the good feeling you get in your heart when someone smiles at you and says the magic words, "Thank You."
If all goes wrong, read "Chicken soup for the soul."
Start by moving out of your parents' house. You'll appreciate everything a lot more once you have to pay for it all, parents' love and providing included.
omg girl! we are living almost the same life! today i actually found the light! i hate living at home i've never gotten along with my parents who have been unhappily married and my younger brother are not close at all. my mom& dad have abused me mentally and physically all my life. i still live at home and i have a little girl. i thought everything would get better but it hasn't & if tried and cried so much. i've tried my best to make my parents think good of my boyfriend who loves me very much but they will never change. my mom is so miserable with her life that i'm her punching bag. she calls me fat, ugly, stupid& a bad mom every day for the past 21 years and i've had enough.it's taking a serious toll on my mental health. i'm moving out soon and i don't care if i ever see them again. they've been horrible to me my all my life and have never treated me with respect or loved me. i have the same problem of being lazy and without any energy and it's because you are depressed. trust me it's depression and it's not because your lazy it's because you're so stressed out about your home life and because your trying so hard to seek approval. save yourself now you deserve better and you deserve to be happy. you are not a selfish person! you need to think about yourself and your happiness first to ever be happy with someone else. my parents have said i'm a bad person all my life and i know i'm not. everyone else says i'm one of the sweetest most loving people they've ever met. my boyfriend has tried so hard to get their approval and we've realized that will never happen. some people are horrible and so judge mental. stop seeking their approval and if he loves you he will stay with you because my boyfriend has stayed with me and my parents have called the cops on him because my parents think he's been abusing me & my daughter and he still stayed and he's trying his best to get us out of this hell. he loves me that much and if he loves you he will do the same to save you. god bless stop caring about what everyone thinks think about your happiness first as selfish as it sounds it's not!
You sound kind of depressed.
Take Sam-E.
It's a natural supplement, already in your body.
If you take them, it's a mood enhancer and boosts your metabolism.
But really, more than that, you just have to let yourself get out of that funk you are in.
It's a mind thing, old habits die hard; get out of it. Try exercising or doing something nice for your boyfriend. Try and actually talk to your parents.
Major key word, is try.
So far you're doing good, you're asking for help, now be proactive and do something!
Hm. Are you truly looking for change, or are you just venting? Because I/we can't help unless you're truly ready to commit to a change, you know? That's the ONLY way things will ever get better for yourself, is if you're willing to allow the change you need in your life. So, if you're truly willing, let me know. Message me or some such, and I'll see what tips I have for you. I was once a pretty negative person myself. :)
@Eternal_night_rain@xanga - I have to agree. And yeah, the key to it is trying.
Best wishes,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
I am glad to see that other people agree that when I move out and have to live on my own that I will start to have a different perspective. I also think that moving out will get rid of some of the negativity. I am surrounded by negativity at home, and it sucks.
I know I am depressed, I am on an antidepressant, but it only seems to work on my mood swings rather than the negativity.
I agree the Datingish title sucks, it is completely inaccurate, of course I could write an entire entry on the parents hating my bf and the relevant turmoil!
You sound a bit like me. I am negative and lazy... and it did ruin my relationship with my now ex. It was very difficult sometimes. I started to go to therapy and I am taking St. John's wort. So far I am just taking it day by day.
Writing helps too. :)
i don't see how your being negative and unmotivated has anything to do with your family not liking you... title does not go with your post.
with that said, don't just vent to everyone on xanga. Â actually get up and do something about it. Â saying something and actually doing it aren't the same thing. Â how do you expect your parents or anyone else to respect you if you say one thing and do another? Â
my family and i were never close either... and i always did what my parents told me to until one day i had had enough so decided to pick up and move. Â i can honestly say i appreciate them so much more and are so much closer to them now that i'm out of the house. Â they actually respect me more and treat me like an adult. Â
good luck with everything.
yeah i have the same problem, but it's only my mom who has the problem. also, we're not that selfish. only my mom. i would say that your family must have a reason not to dislike your bf, though it might not be fair. but you don't just hate someone for no reason. find out if it's a reason to change. for me, my parents want my bf to have a career, instead of just having a business w/ no business degree. i think that's reasonable. so once he gets his degree & makes more money, everyone will be happy.
if it's something really unreasonable like race, then you should talk to your parents & tell them it's your relationship & your life. "stop trying to live through me!" tell them to think about why they had kids. you don't have kids because you want to control them & make them do whatever you want. they're not your pawns. they're individual people with unique abilities, desires, & needs. if they don't change, then i say elope or do whatever the heck you want. if there's an ounce of sensibility in their thoughts, listen to them. if there isn't, forget them.