Wednesday, 26 August 2009
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You Would Be Perfect If You Were __________
So, I have been going out with my BF for about 3 years now and we have had our share of problems. [okay, a lot of problems]. I moved 5 months ago and I'm now an hour and 45 minutes away from him and only get to see him once a week.
He more so than me has had a hard time dealing with the LDR, but hasn't given up.
Recently, though, it seems he doesn't really accept me for who I am. He usually mentions that if I had this or that then it would be so hot or it would enhance what I already have. Now I guess it's nice that he is trying to want me to look better, but I take it as trying to change me. He also says that I'm not as open as other girls are and I won't do what he wants - he says I'm not "playful". And he just seems to always compare me to other girls. He used to be pretty bad and told me what his type was and what he thought was hot or whatever. And it made me kind of insecure because I wasn't that type of girl.
I, on the other hand, don't ever want to change him I think he's perfect the way he is. And that's what love's about, accepting the other person, not trying to change him. Right?
But he constantly gets mad if I don't do something he wants. He just thinks I'm not attracted to him or because I don't want to show him something online or talk sexual and stuff to him. I dunno, I'm just not as sexual and open as he is; I'm shy and he always seems to forget and complains when I don't wanna do something. He said "if only I could give you a pill to make you playful or like this'. He says I'm too mature for him, which I think is BS.
But I must say I really have been trying, I try to be the perfect person for him, I really do - but I can't do something I don't want to do. It just seems like it's all about sex and I don't want it to be. I want some of it to be, but he seems to just want that or just talk about that. I just don't know what to think.
So should I try and change myself more for this guy? Do you think he's trying to change me, or is what he doing normal?
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Comments (49)
sounds like an ultimate douchebag. if he's always trying to change you then you need to question why he's with you in the first place.
This is not the first time you've posted about something like this.
It tells us something about you and your boyfriend.
Then again, I don't really know your situation exactly. You can't really know 3 years of a relationship from a couple of blog posts.
But my immediate response would be, no. You shouldn't have to change for him. Maybe little things like picking up your bras (because we chicks leave them everywhere) but not anything big that makes you who you are.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - Although I don't think he is a 'douchebag', I do agree with the rest.
The sad truth is your probably not right for each other. And wether or not you try to change him, you do want something else. You mentioned all he wants to do is have sex, or talk about it, or whatever, and you don't. He wants you to look and act a certain way. You both want different things from each other, and trying to change the person isn't going to work.I'm not going to tell you to break up with the guy, but I would seriously sit down and think about what it is you want in a relationship. From what I read here, its not what he's offering.good luck!@doLc3@xanga - yeah i could have sworn you blogged about something like this before...
I mean if seems like he IS trying to change you, and well you shouldn't change yourself, unless its toward making a better person in general. like trying to be less sarcastic or something like that
Wow.. okay I just read all the posts you've submitted here... in total, 6 and all of them are about problems in your relationship. I know its easier to write about the bad things, but SERIOUSLY, read over them and ask yourself - WHY ARE WE TOGETHER?
It seems like your grasping for straws...
once again... good luck.
DON'T EVER CHANGE YOURSELF FOR SOMETHING THAT'S NOT PERMANENT.
Granted, I know you've been together for 3 years, but like others before me have commented - go back and read all the blogs you've posted on this. Why should you change to make him happy when he obviously makes you so UNhappy?
It sounds like you're not compatible with each other.
A man needs his sex, and I don't blame him for asking you to "give him a hand", especially when he doesn't get to see you often. The thing is, if you don't help him out, he might go elsewhere.
You shouldn't have to change for him. He could be more tactful with how he says these things to you, too. But if you actually want to keep your relationship going, you might need to overcome your shyness and put out a little bit more.
If he's not making you happy, why are you continuing with this relationship?
@Lil_Dude433@xanga - exactly..
I actually went through this almost exact same situation recently. And you answered your own question, in a way: "that's what love's about, accepting the other person, not trying to change him. Right?".
That is what a relationship is supposed to be like. Maybe you just need to take some time away, let him figure out what he wants and grow up a little. You obviously love him. If you're meant to be together, it'll happen eventually.
It sounds to me, like he isn't a douche bag, he just had one of those unfortunate revelations that there is something about who you are that bothers him. And it is perfectly healthy to work on becoming a better person everyday, and that means being less insecure and more self-confident.But never stop being who you really are because how can a real relationship grow if one person isn't even being themselves? And if he is criticizing your physical appearance and comparing you to "prettier" girls or telling you how to "enhance" yourself, than he is the very cause of the personality defect he is so concerned with.
So that is what I would tell him, next time he wants you to show him something online, say, "babe, I just hate showing you stuff that isn't good enough for you." Suddenly all the compliments you need to hear to get past your insecurities will come in multitudes and then you will be more comfortable being playful and flirty with him.
I've been through this WAY too many times with guys. I've never been able to be completely open, especially sexually and physically, and when a guy says things like what your guy says, it doesn't make me feel sad or anything. It pisses me off to the end of the world. You shouldn't change. I'm sure you've told him it bothers you, right? But hey, guys need their sex...
DON'T EVER CHANGE.
He sounds just like my ex. He would constantly say things like this, and slowly over time my self esteem deteriorated until almost nothing was left. It would be best if you found someone who loves you the way you are right now. You deserve much better. Tell him that if he wants someone "hotter, more open or more playful" then he can go find someone else who meets his stupid requirements!! And you can finally find someone who has some respect for you and doesn't treat you like his trophy. Oh this makes me so mad haha!!
Trust me, there are MUCH better guys out there.
Do NOT change for him. If he's constantly saying what he wishes you were, and isn't saying how much he likes what you really are, you two are not right for each other. If he has issues with who you are as a person, tell him to go find someone else. I'm pretty sure you could find a guy who likes and accepts everything about you and doesn't say, "I wish you were ____."
Think about it. Does it make sense to change yourself in order to keep a happy relationship? You shouldn't be going through this.
I think all girls have gone through those guys before, the ones who dont really appreciate what we do for them. of course we try to change ourselves for them but at the end of the day they will want more! (im just generalising guys here)
first he wants you to wear your hair down during sex, you do it
then he wants you to dress up as a little school girl, you do it
then he wants a threesome with you and another girl.. you don't and he starts to question how much you love him.
by all means change yourself, to be someone you like!!
dress up a little more, so when he goes out with you and his friends he can hold his head up and say "my girl is hot!" even if you normally don't look like that
occasionally dress up sexy to try and seduce him, of course you do this when you are ready and once again, for yourself! and not do it when he asks you to.
and if hes suck a jerk after you making yourself a better person, then leave the guy and find someone who knows how to respect you!
He's not the only one who's perfect
Changing for someone only means HIDING things from that person-- do not change because someone else has a problem with it, just you.
Someone else would probably jump at a chance to be with you- someone who sees potential in all your flaws (thank you Beyonce, "Flaws and All").
As hard as it is, don't stay with the guy for comfort or familliarity at the cost of your true self and true happiness.
Oh yeah.
"If woman had one flaw, it is that she forgets her worth."
maybe hes horny because he barely gets to see you.
He should be more tactful about it.
I mean, I think it's cool if he ENCOURAGES you to be more outgoing and friendly, but not be so blunt and mean about it, like "you are an idiot, why don't you talk more? I do, and my exes did, so why don't YOU?!" I mean, that's just asking for a punch in the face from a girl on the receiving end, and I MEAN a punch in the face like a fistful of knuckle sandwich under his chin.
if he was more like "hey, why are you uncomfortable with talking to my friends?" and you answer like "I don't know what to say in front of them" and he hugs you or something (I DONT KNOW) that would be better. Jeez, tell him to up the diplomacy a little more.
But for the people shoutingn "dont ever change".... um, sometimes you should. What if your SO's an alcoholic? I think that calls for a little intervention. Done right, a SO should be able to encourage you and bring the best out in you.
I wouldn't stay with a man that wants to change me (this wouldn't apply is he wants to change me for health purposes) And personally, if my relationship was based on sex and only that, there's probably nothing else that he likes doing with you other than sex. I'd dump him
relationship, FTL. dude, you'll just happen to stumble across a guy one day who appreciates you for who you truly are. don't be afraid to say goodbye to this guy. if that's all he ever talks about... things you could be, things he wants, he's just using you and trying to mold you into his perfect lover. respect yourself, and don't fall for it. then again, idk how you've been through 3 years so there may be more depth to this, or you have just been disregarding too many things since the start of it all.
Three options: have him change/ you change/ move on.
Me, I'd move on
But you know best if you can make it work.
hour 45, once a week? I'm in a LDR where it's a 3 hour train ride and visiting once every TWO weeks.
talk to him about this problem. If you don't he is going to continue his ways
WHOA.
He said "if only I could give you a pill to make you playful or like this".
Was he just kidding? Or was he half serious?!
There was a post on trying to change your SO a few days ago...it was really good. Basically, the point was that it's alright to try to change your SO as long as your love/like of them doesn't depend on it. It sounds like he's trying to change you into the kind of person he wants you to be. If you're okay with that, it's fine; but if you're not then you should tell him and both of you should decide whether he will be happy with you the way you are, or if he should go find the girl he's really looking for.