A few weeks ago I was walking home from work when a pretty good looking guy (obviously interested) approached me. We exchanged contact information and later that week met up to hang out. I will call this guy "Kombucha", and although Kombucha is nice, respectful, and educated, I felt no romantic connection during our meetup. The next day Kombucha emailed me that he had a great time and asked for me to call him so we could plan something else. I did call him that night, but not to plan anything; instead I told him that although I admire his qualities I wasn't interested in pursuing anything - to which Kombucha replied "How come you didn't tell me this over email?"
Shocked by his advice that I be (what I consider) impersonal, I asked a friend why someone would want to be rejected over email. My friend said that I should have ignored Kombucha's email or sent one back saying that I'm not interested because we live in an impersonal world and this is the best way to carry out rejection...WHAT?!
I think it's one thing to impersonally reject some stranger on Yahoo! Personals, but I find it indecent, not to mention cowardly, to hide behind a computer screen or not say anything at all to a respectable person whose time you have consumed. In fact, the only excuse I can think of to send a
"This Just Isn't Working Out" email is as a way to communicate all feelings so you don't forget later, but plan to talk them about eventually.
This is just my opinion, and perhaps I am being overly sensitive, but I cannot help but wonder if requesting that the person who rejects me look me in the eye or say the words himself, is asking for too much. Therefore, I ask: in the dog-eat-dog world of dating, am I playing it too nice, and would we rather read that email or "take a hint"...or is it reasonable to put a human face on the blow-offs of human emotions?
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Comments (33)
How many people do you know who can "take a hint" when it comes to dating? None?
I thought so.
I think it's to avoid embarrassment really. After all, if it's behind a computer screen or a text msg, you don't have to hear the tone of rejection or have the rejecter listen to your embarrass mumble of excuses to get off the phone.
My ex broke up with me over MSN, and to me, that was such a sissy way of doing it. Break ups should be done face to face--it shows that you're sincere about it.
i want to applaud you, i think you handled it very well!
Breaking up:
one date - email or phone call
serious relationship - face to face
thats it!
I actually see the guy's point. What's so noble about rejecting someone in person after 1little date? I get there are many things that you should do in person...especially something like breaking up a relationship. But I don't see anything wrong with emailing a response when he emailed you in the first place. Look at it from his perspective, he gets his hopes up cuz you actually called, then he gets rejected, then he feels dumb and awkward. Its like if I applied for a position, thought i nailed the interview with the boss.... then i'm expecting a phone call, but instead, he visits my apartment and so i really get my hopes up... and he's like "yeah, you didn't get the job, but i wanted to come by in person to tell you that". I don't think there is anything especially noble about a phone call or cowardly about an email in this particular circumstance.
I'm not saying your phone call was wrong either. Just that I see his point of view and I actually would also have preferred a simple email response.
lol. i think the way you did it was fine. i dont agree with rejecting over email or aim or msn or anything like that. it's just a cowardly way of doing it.
I'd rather do it in person than over the computer or whatever. I guess that's just how I am.
I've done it before. That way, the other person doesn't have to put up face if they're hurt. If it were me, I wouldn't want them to see me break down.
Mehhh. I could kind of see email as being okay. But I don't think calling was inappropriate, either.
I suppose if you'd written something substantial--a letter rather than a note--and sent it by email that would have been okay.I guess I'm so on the fence about this because I'm so used to thinking Impersonal Breakups = nasty nasty things. But usually that's in the context of a relationship lasting at least a month...
KTHXBYE.
"I have a boyfriend."
You have a WHAT??
" I HAVE A BOYFRIEND."
SO? WHAT DOE STHAT GOT TO DO WITH ME AND YOU?
I hate...guys like this!
Breaking up with people face-to-face shows you have balls. You're not afraid to reject someone but respect them enough to tell them personally. If there was no other way to reject someone then I guess through phone or email is fine, but if someone were to reject me, I'd definitely want then to tell me to my face out of respect.
thats what it is
Don't you think it's pretty messed up to take the time out to personally phone someone just to tell them you reject them?
Beyond that, your motivations for wanting to be rejected to your face are your own. The purposes of conveying the message of rejection is met just fine via text message or e-mail. There's some other type of emotional satisfaction you and others like you seek from it being face to face. It's not like someone asking you out on a date face to face or telling you they love you face to face. It's not like you desire to see the positive emotional content in their eyes and reciprocate through your own.
Perhaps you're like the respect obsessed hulk a couple comments up.
@immaairheadxl@xanga - You didn't respond to your hypothetical question though. What exactly does you being in a relationship have to do with you and some outside guy? And why should he care?
@striemmy@xanga - Wow...
Should I really break this down?
Rejection is the word of this blog..and I'm using an example of rejection.
So when I say I have a boyfriend..that means HE IS REJECTED.
@immaairheadxl@xanga - That means that to you. I'm fairly certain.. and by fairly certain I mean that it is statistically impossible not to be the case.. that I'm not the only guy that has ever met a girl who had a boyfriend and ended up entangled with them in some way or another.
So, no, that isn't really adequate as an example of rejection. You'd still have to actually reject someone instead of trying to weasel your way out of it ^_^.
I'll admit, since it was only one date an email would have been fine
@striemmy@xanga - Well, how do I say this. That is MY way of rejection or the middle finger...which is better? But then again, both is true..
I don't like homewreckers..nor do I think another guy can persuade me easily. Anyways, good day. Goodbye
I don't think what you did is wrong at all. You had your reasons and I agree that saying something in person is definitely more respectable. I think Kombucha just didn't want you to say it in person because it tends to hurt more than an email message or text. However, I would have to side with you on this, face to face confrontation takes bravery and confidence. If it was me, I would want a face-to-face rejection as well (even if it hurts...).
Email and text is cowardly and rude!
@meem - agreed
not a serious relationship, not a serious break up, KTHXBYE
I agree with the notion that you can send a text or an email to reject someone if you've only been on a date or two with them. The majority of the guys I was actually in a relationship with, rejected/dumped me over msn. I personally think it's gutless.
@wizexel22@xanga - thanks for your response. i didn't even look at it as him getting his hopes up. i'll consider this.
I would send that email/text. It's not like they are going to matter anymore
remember: the rejectee does not have the choice on how to be rejected. you, the rejector, do.