This is kind of a weird topic for me to discuss but just generally reading over Datingish. Their discussions on "ex" issues... such as "I have a creepy stalker ex," "my ex won't talk to me," "my BF's exes hate me" blah blah, the stories are endless, but they all narrow down to this one point that I vaguely wondered about just now.
Basically, how are you supposed to act as an ex?
The majority of the problems deal with "they won't leave me alone" or "they won't leave my current alone." blahblah.. I know a lot of people wonder how their exes are coming along. I'll admit I wonder how they are doing from time to time, after all, they played a part in my life at some point. It's natural, I guess; it's just like the way I will think about friends and for me there's nothing more to it than that...I am in no way justifying people who "stalk" their exes. I think that's for the next paragraph... I mean, I think it's okay to just wonder about it, especially if terms are good on both sides and boundaries are adhered to.
Now, it gets less pretty when these so called boundaries are stepped over or things just aren't right.
And that just where the problems fall. I think some people can be a little ...selfish? at times. I dunno, some people can be real bitches: I've heard and seen the stories. I think bad exes are people who are reluctant to face the truth that things can't be the way they were and then ruin it for everyone else.
Lucky I guess as for myself and my exes... I don't have that problem. We hardly have any contact at all these days and I can guarantee that we've all moved on. It's just like the story was picked up, and finished and put back on the shelf. Full stop. Though, I'm positive, we could safely pick it up again look at old stuff and replace it just as it were. I don't think I've spoken to either of my exes for a good 3 months? Don't get me wrong, we're not at all on bad terms. It's just like that for us. We're happy with our life's and we know that we each are getting along just fine. Does that make me a good ex?
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I'm just going to be a senior in high school and to be honest with my exes.. I'm all fine with them. I think it's just one of those things where of course you need time apart, to try to adjust your relationship from romantic to platonic but for me, it's always ended up to be alright. Granted, one of them ignored me for 9 months with no reason but now he and I are pretty much really good friends. I think I became one of the lucky one where everything worked out in the end.
But as an ex.. for me, I just be myself. 'Cause that's that's what I am. I might be someone's ex, but at the same time, I'm also me.
At least that's how my logic works.
@HiArianne@xanga -
Yknow, like, based on the transitive property of equality. Haha.
@HiArianne@xanga - I completely agree.
We took some time off from seeing each other so we could sort our feelings out and at the same time, get over each other. It's been a couple of months since we broke up and we talk a few times every month. I don't act differently with anyone. If you did something really bad to me, I'll try to erase you from my life. Other than that... I'm just me.
Just act as normal as possible, I guess. If it was bad breakup, just smile and keep walking if you see them, which is (hopefully!) what I would do if I saw one of them on the street. You don't want re-open old wounds and seem bitter, it's better that they see you happy, but not in-your-face happy. I've always done the long-distance relationships so I guess I'm pretty lucky to not have to see any of my exes on a regular basis.
I think it's a sign of good faith to at least be able to talk to your ex without being a jerk or sad or avoiding him like the plague. One of mine I haven't spoken to since it ended years ago (I said we'd try to stay in touch), and the one time we ran into each other it was really awkward to not even say hello, since I'm not angry or anything, but also it would've been awkward to say hello and act like we've only been friends because we haven't spoken in so long. If you've loved someone I don't think it can ever smolder into being indifferent about their existence. Caring about the person and wanting them to be happy definitely counts as a form of (platonic) love, and it's good/normal to have that last when it's over and you've moved on (though some people overdo it and don't move on)
Honestly, why does it matter how you act with your ex?
I mean, you should be polite, and say hi to them if you occasionally meet, but I don't think it matters. I mean that's the reason you broke up with them right? Because you couldn't see a future with them for whatever reason or vice versa.
When I first broke up with my ex, I thought I would see her every day, but it is just too heart-breaking to be with a girl, knowing that nothing is going to happen. So, I guess it is only natural that ex-es usually just keep quiet and stop hanging out with one another. I would call you an average ex. :)
I only talk to one of my ex-girlfriends and that's because we were already pretty good friends before we started dating, plus we didn't date that long so when we broke up, there wasn't enough emotion stockpiled to turn things bad.
Out of the rest, two just sort of dropped out of my life once they left for college and there's one where both of us dislike each so strongly that our mutual friends can't invite us to the same events.
Unless it was agreed upon, and you can both handle it, exes should act like close acquaintances. Civil, but somewhat distant. This allows both parties to admit they still care for each other (Unless, of course, the break up was over something huge like abuse, or cheating. Then its ok to hate and act like it.), but it also allows them time to heal from the hurt of a relationship ending. Then, as time goes on, either you'll remain Civil but Distant, or you'll end up being friends.
But, if the break up was over one of you cheating, or there was abuse in some manner involved, then I'd say exes should do whatever it takes to not have contact. Especially in cases of abuse, but in cases of cheating, its hard to let go and move on if the person who cheated on you is always there.
I really just leave my exes alone. I don't have a desire to talk to them for the most part, except for one, and that is because we were friends before dating and we parted on good terms, so there was no reason to mess up the friendship. It didn't feel awkward to just be friends again.
But, either way, I don't have malice toward the other exes. It's just that the others didn't have a past with me before dating, and we've moved on. :p
To answer your question, I think it will be best to give it time and space. Just stop co-existing for a healthy amount of time. And when everyone's moved on, if you hafta talk, then go. If you don't, shrug.
best thing to do is to stay away from each other. it's not a big deal to wait a year or two before you talk to them as friends only.
hmm.. well, from my experience with my ex bf.. we both stated how we wanted to leave each other alone, but of course that doesn't always happen.. i still care about my ex and
nothing will ever change that.. what can you do? i am still trying to move out, but then
i still have my choice of keepin him there as a memory.. it was pretty bad.. anyways, great story
I was a "stalker ex" recently.
if you ask him that is.
my ex was the kind of guy that got drunk every night
and when such happened, he missed me. loved me. all that good stuff.
never remembered in the morning
[on a few occasions asked what I was doing in his bed in the morning]
and then got angry with me for not moving on, saying I was smothering him and being crazy.
so finally I blocked his number, so HE couldn't keep dragging me back in.
now we live entirely separate lives, I'd like to know how he's doing, but it is a lot less hurt.
I would have rather preferred as past relationships ended where we became friends, sometimes go out for coffee, it never seems right to me to lose someone completely.
so I suppose, as long as a break can be even, then friendship is always a great alternative. but if that can't happen there needs to be space from talking and time to live your own lives before attempting to see if they still have a place in yours.
I don't even think of any of my exes as exes anymore. They're just regular people to me. Sometimes I miss the friendship that came along with the relationships, but I never miss the relationship itself (meaning I don't miss the romantic part of the relationship). I mean, they're all exes for a reason. I generally don't think about them at all though. If I see them, I nod. If they add me on facebook or myspace, I'll accept. But that's about as far as it goes.
If you were my ex, I would like for you to keep answering your fone for late night booty calls. I'm just saying.
don't know if there's such a thing as a "good ex"...
you (one or both of you) left the other for a reason - you just weren't meant to be together. whether you both knew it or not, at the same time or not, kind of determines how you'll treat each other, i guess. i haven't talked to my ex in several months, and have no intention to ever again, but that's just the situation i'm in. it's going to be different for everyone. i guess it'd be nice to be on speaking, or even friendly terms, but hey, what happened happened, and you can't really change it. if you try to, you could be creepy, or romantic. if you don't try to, you could be seen as insensitive, or as a respectable person. i guess what i'm trying to say is that you are exes for a reason, and that reason is in the past, and you'll (probably) never revisit the past, so it doesn't really matter if you are "good" or not, whatever that may mean.there are no rules of how to be an ex but just be yourself and put yourself in her shoes and think of what you would think about his ex if you met her.
Honestly, untiill now, I do still think about my first ex bf . He is the only guy that i ever love and yeah..we still friend but we seldom talk to each other as he is married..
So, its nothing wrong for the exes to become friends ...
i think it depends on the breakup.
i had a highschool boyfriend for 2 1/2 years.
i brokeup with him because he cheated on me.
for about 4 months, he tried so hard to win me over but the trust was gone and i knew the relationship would never be the same. so, during those 4 months, i fell for another guy.
this pissed off my ex and he tried harder than ever.
he threatened to kill himself, kill my crush, and called me non-stop.
now, im still with the guy i fell for after my breakup and my ex still wont talk to me.
its been about 8 months.
what i have done is just left him alone. i recently contacted him asking if we could be freinds since we live in the same area, but he told me no because it would be too hard for him. i just told him when hes ready to be my friend, that ill be there.
now the guy im currently with has an ex. a girl he dated in highschool for 2 1/2 years. they brokeup because she cheated on him. they got back together and she cheated on him again and they brokeup for good.
i would hate it if she was always around, if they still talked. im the jealous type, though.
so to answer how exes should act... like i said, it all depends on the breakup and if both people have moved on completly.
I personally make it a point to not talk to any of my ex's, all because it's always ended really bad or they become really obsessive. One it ended with the cops being called cause he started hitting me the day I was leaving and another one didn't like me going anywhere a guy would be or talking to any of my friends that were male. I for sure left him and he became even more obsessive calling me all the time, txting, emailing, etc. even six months down the road he still did.
If your fine with talking to your ex that's your choice. But if you are with somebody else you should at least tell them. I've been in a situation before where the guy was in a bad relationship, the girl cheated on him, used him, etc. and even months after they broke up they still talked once a week and she took his dog and he would give her money to take care of it and sometimes allow her to come see him to see the dog. Then I came around and he told her about me and she didn't want to hear about that, yet she is still with one of the guys she was cheating on him with and now has a baby. He told her to stop talking to him then a couple months into it I found out he had talked to her but hid it from me and he said he would stop. Then a month later I found out again she had started txting him again and he hid it from me, going as far as making sure he deleted everything (I use his phone sometimes). And once again a month later I find out he had been talking to her for a week straight, hid it from me and when I asked about him being suspicious he said it was somebody else. When I told him I knew who it was and everything he said she was just needing advice cause her bf was being mean to her and their baby and he was just trying to get her mind off of it. But for a week? I was pretty mad at the time. I don't like her or girls like her and made sure she knew it. She's the kind that if she sees somebody else happy she tries to ruin it for the other person. He hasn't heard back from her since then.
So I say if your with somebody new erase your ex out of your life completely. Unless you have kids together.