I'm in a very bad phase right now in my relationship. Someone I truly care about is gone from me. He left unexpectedly and I don't know when or if I'll ever see him again. We are not allowed any contact with each other, not even a phone call. I've been waiting a very long time for him, but I'm not sure if I should anymore. I've tried to stay positive, I pray, I look up things on the internet to try and get a better understanding of what he is dealing with at this time. My boyfriend is in rehab for drug abuse.
Most people I've talked to about it have said a lot of nasty things about him. They don't even know him, but as soon as I mention he is in drug rehab, they stop me right there and tell me I should not be with someone with a 'problem' like that. The thing is, he's NOT a bad person. He just got caught up in bad things and made bad decisions. He's actually a quite decent, and very intelligent human being. We've known each other since we were kids. We had huge crushes on each other, too, but a day came where I had no idea that would be the last time I saw him for almost 6 years. I never ever forgot about him, though. I decided one day, randomly, I'd try and look him up on MySpace. Luckily, he had one, and it was like we had never been apart from each other.
I never knew he had any sort of problem, but he'd always say he was a bad person. I didn't understand why because to me, he was the only person that actually made me feel comfortable in my skin. And that's not what bad people do... He always hid his drug intake from me, which made me furious and was the cause of every fight we had. I find out, out of nowhere, he was sent to rehab and I would not be allowed visitation or calls from him, but I would be able to write him. And, of course, I did. I was okay with it to begin with, but as days went by, it just got harder and harder. I told myself that he was worth this and I love him far too much to give up on what we have. I refused to let this setback ruin our relationship.
After reading posts from users online that have family members or their partners in rehab, they all talk about how their relationships have changed. And not for the better. I read everywhere that rehab changes people, and relationships usually don't stand a chance afterward . I despise knowing that. I don't want that to be the case with us. I've prayed so much during this time, I've posted about it too much, I've tried talking to people. Nothing I do helps because I don't know what's going on in his heart at this time. I know it sounds selfish of me to be more worried about if he and I will still be together rather than turn the focus on him getting the proper help to make him into a healthier, happier person. That's not the case here, I want him to get better, but I also want to be able to spend my life with him after he gets out.
My question to you all is, what would you do in a situation like this? Or have you guys been in this situation or one similar to it? What was your experience? And would you give up or fight for your relationship?
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Comments (34)
Fight.
If you know it's worth it, do what your heart tells you. Don't let anyone make that decision for you. IT'll be hard, but if you know you can deal with it, do it.
I would fight to keep him. If it really didn't end up working out, I'd be willing to accept that. But I wouldn't give up without giving it a chance.
fighhht
I'd fight for it if I were you. Seems like he truly is a good person who made some bad choices. IMO happens to the majority of us. No one's perfect. And as for being away for a long time, well, even relationships like that can work. What about all those men and women in the military? Do you think their SOs just give up because they're away for 3-18 months at a time?
Fight.
But, if he stops trying to get better,
if he gets out of rehab and immediately seeks drugs again,
let it go.
You have to know when enough is enough.
But for now, I say,
Fight.
Fight like hell.
If you don't fight you'll always wonder what would happen if you had.
fight, fight like your life depends on it. I am a recovering drug addict. I can not remember a whole year of my life. I will be honest, I have changed. I am not the same guy I was 15 years ago. I am just now starting to truly recover. I have lost my marriage due to something that I can't explain. Hopefully her and I can work things out and get back together, If not we are still friends and will stay that way. so fight dear god, let him know that you are there for him. tell him, write him. let him know exactly how you feel. I hope the best for you and him. much love to him for getting help.
You know, our society is so messed up today. Whenever we encounter a problem, we are taught that it is easier and less messy to just leave and start fresh. That may work for people who don't get attached easily, but if you know you love him and hes the only one to ever make you feel the way you do, then why not fight?
sure, things may not be the same afterwards, but you can fight through that s well. my bf and i fought through a rough patch, and as hard as it was back then, we wouldn't change it. The post below summarized it pretty well.
http://bit.ly/YgFXb
This is one of those times where you have to stand back, assess the situation, and really think to yourself "is this relationship the healthiest thing for me right now?" and if you truly believe that if you stick it out it will get better, then totally go for it. But if the future is shady and unpredictable, then I would suggest trying to figure out what you and him can do to make the best decision for both of you guys. And lastly, don't worry about what your friends say, sure they're important, but it's ultimately your choice anyway.
I would fight for it.. do what your heart tells you too because in the end it could be worth it and if its not don't look at it as a time wasted you only did what you felt was right.. Yes six years is a long time, but if you don't do what your heart tells you to do then you'll end up wondering what if.
I wish you the best of luck =]
Follow your heart and do what you want but I'd keep fighting.
i'd still love him but be with other guys. i told the same to my bf when i got sent to rehab cos of my ed. we were together for 6 months after that (we'd only been dating for 2 when i got sent away)...and we're still rly good friends.
If I loved the man with all my heart, I'd fight. However, if I didn't love him as I thought I once did, I would just back away. There's no point in fighting for something that I don't feel the same way about anymore.
See, in matters like this, do you really have a choice? The heart will generally do what it wants to. If you still love him, you have no choice but to wait it out and see what happens. Really what are your other options?
Would you rather try it with someone else, and then find out when he's done with rehab that he still loves you and now things are just horribly complicated?
Wait it out, and do something other than relationships to distract you in the meantime.
If u think that he is the one and worth fighting for..Give your best shot! Fight for your happiness, ...All the best!
fight for it. you seem very much in love.
fight for your man.
be there for him, & fiiiiiiiight.
good luck with everything xox
Nobody is perfect and he just ended up in a bad situation and people do change and i thinku should fight for him, dont give up on him...seems like he is getting help and he is trying to do wats right. but if he goes back to doing drugs then u need to let him go because then u know its going to be a on going cycle and u dont want a man like that. People will always be quick to say to get rid of someone but once they have been in your shoes then it will be difrent. Dont let nobody else make this descion for you, u have to make this on your own and seems to me u really care about this guy. just be there for him.
@tsuimei@xanga - If you don't fight you'll always wonder what would happen if you had.
^^ co-sign on that
Your writing makes it sound like you really like him. I was going to tell you to give up on him, but if he truly makes you happy, I see no problem.
Good luck
@tsuimei@xanga - i was just going to say the same.
keep fighting. my brother started using drugs when he was twelve, and now twelve years later he got out of rehab a few months ago for what i'm hoping will be the last time. my brother is an amazing person with a lot of love to give, he just has a disease. Drug addiction IS considered a medical disease. there is no cure until they set their mind on changing. it's mental. if you really truly do care about and love this person, you should not give up. try going to an al-anon meeting. it's like AA or NA but it's for the close friends or family members of drug addicts or alcoholics. Those whose lives are affected by it. if you look it up im sure you will find one somewhere in your area. i went to those meetings for three years, and i have SUCH a better understanding of the disease of addiction. trust me. it helps SO much.
It all depends on what you want. My ex was into drugs and he just got really mean and ignorant towards me. Yes, I cared for him a lot..but that's not someone I would ever want in my life. It's good your boyfriend is getting help for it, and hopefully he'll pull through. Maybe you should wait and see how things go once he gets out of rehab..and what it is that he actually wants too. Good luck.
If you want to fight, then fight. You can't make a decision right now, anyway, until he gets out. So stick by him, and then see what happens once he's done and on the straight and narrow. That's when you'll be able to get enough information to determine whether he's the one you want or not. Until then, though, if you truly want to stay by him, then do so. Don't leave just because other people tell you to. And don't stay because other people tell you to. Do what you want because you want to. You're the only one that knows your heart.
Good luck either way. It won't be easy, but if you're committed, then you can make it through.
-Katie