Tuesday, 25 August 2009
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Can You Really Be Best Friends with Your Ex?
Can exes really be your best friends or is that just a waste of time? I understand that there are exceptions and what not, but sometimes it feels like me and my ex can NEVER be best friends. I still do love her. I've had this innate caring feeling for her ever since I first met her in the 7th grade. Now that we're done with high school and all, nothing's ever changed. We were each other's first loves and we had broken up only to get back together a million times. Now we're at the point in our lives where getting back together is just wishful thinking. Being friends is all we can do, and we can't deny the fact that some of the feelings from our relationship carried over to our friendship which were respect, trust, and admiration.
But the fact that I still have feelings for her makes our friendship difficult. Best friends are supposed to be able to talk about anything, but I get jealous and upset every time she talks about other men. I know it's unfair because she really wants to be friends and my feelings already strain our friendship as is, but what exactly am I supposed to do? I want to walk away sometimes, maybe things would be easier for the both of us. But I've always cared about her and I'll never be able to sleep if I don't know what's going on in her life.
I've already realized that I'm so accessible that makes being with me so unappealing. She could text me randomly "Be my boyfriend again" and I'd accept in a heartbeat. I've missed so many opportunities to be with other women because no girl wants a guy who loves his ex-turned-best-friend. My ex doesn't want to do this to me, but she doesn't want to lose my friendship. I wouldn't want her to think it was her fault we couldn't be friends because she's the type who would think "if only I could have those feelings again" and would end up doing something dumb like taking me back even if it's not what she really wants.
Am I just wasting my time? Should I just move on and try not to care about her? Because it makes me happy being her best friend, but it also kills me. It's inevitable that she's going to meet someone new and marry him. She probably might not invite me to the wedding in fears that I might object when the priest ask s. Best friends don't have these types of issues. So what do you think? Waste of time or not?
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- From: romeosintuition@xanga
- Name: Jin
- About Me: under construction.
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Comments (121)
it's possible.
All I can say right now is that it takes a very, VERY strong woman to want to be with a man who is best friends with his ex, be it ex-girlfriend or ex-wife.
i agree. it is possible
there's no reason not to unless they did something so bad when it's hard to look past it. If you guys are still friends, why not stay that way? It doesn't have to be best friends, but acquaintances work too
I've got that right now actually =)
So it is possible.
Maybe you could ask her to not be so descriptive when she talks about other guys so that you can still be in the know but not cringing imagining all the details. If you do genuinely care for her as you say, it'll be a sacrifice you take being her friend while secretly being hurt by her lack of reciprocity.
possible, but only way is until you can like/ see her ONLY as a friend, that is when you can be best friends with her. if you still love her as a grlfriend then .. it doesnt work.
this is my life story atm -__-"
Ugh, I could have written this exact post. I know I should be speaking to myself when I say this, but maybe you shouldn't be available as much? I'm not saying to break off the friendship, but don't make yourself so emotionally available to her that it interferes with your life. If she still has any semblance of love for you, she should understand. It's a sucky situation, I know. I've learned that even a relationship that's ended still needs boundaries like any other relationship...because no matter how you define it, your heart gets involved no matter what. And you need to do what you need to to protect it.
PS. I heard that the question of whether anyone objects to a couple being married is no longer asked at weddings nowadays, that it's only done on TV shows to heighten the drama
I could be mistaken about that, though, so don't take my word for it.
im that way, im frinds with my ex, but i told him explicitly i still ahve feelings for him but at the same time i recognize he's no longer mine and...if he's with other women I'm happy he's happy..
I disagree. I don't think you can be friends with your ex, if you really loved them... cause there will always be leftover emotions. "Two people who broke up could never be friends. But if they are, then they were never in love or they still are." I don't know who said these words, but I completely agree with him/her. I only have one ex and I can't be friends with him. I tried, but there were just so much remaining feelings we couldn't leave behind. We kept talking to each other like we were still dating.
I confess I still love him to this day and like you, I would take him back in an instant if he asked. That's why I told him that I think it's better if we don't talk anymore and we haven't contacted each other in almost a month. And we are both leaving for college in different states this week, so I don't think we will bump into each other anymore.
My ex broke up with me a bit over a month ago. We still like each other though we haven't talked at all since the break up. How do I know? Mutual friends tell all haha
Anyway, I decided that we shouldn't talk anymore until we both are over each other. Or else we can't be friends. If one still likes the other, friendship cannot happen.
My advice... break off all ties of wanting to be in a relationship with her. Move on. Meet other girls (this helps get over her too). Then when you're ready, you can be friends again! YAY!
I learned this from previous relationships. It's too difficult to be friends when you still like the girl or vice versa. Someone will get jealous or mad or sad or etc.
@fivepointfourtwo@xanga - lol i just pretty much wrote the same response a couple minutes after you ahahha
yes, me and my ex were best friends before we got together. After we broke up and I moved, I found that when I got back we were still very good friends. You have to get over them though, come to accept it if you haven't done so already.
It is possible but depends if it was a good or bad break up and even if you guys do want to be best friends, in time you guys will eventually grow further apart and move on with your own lives.
My current ex and I were really good friends for nine months after we broke up but when I started dating someone else things changed and we drifted. We are still friends but definitely not as close.
I think it is possible in many cases. In this case though...maybe you should give yourself time to get over her first, before being friends? Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're ready to be her friend --it sounds more like you're clinging on to whatever last scraps you can get.
Being friends with someone you still have more-than-friends-feelings-for is not something... Too positive to deal with. It does create feelings of jealousy, anger and perhaps even sadness. I went through this and it was just painful. I decided to cut all ties with him while I needed time to heal. Contact with him was just unbearable at the time, so we didn't talk for about two months? I admit, we're not as close as we were before we got together, but we can have a regular conversation and not feel awkward anymore.
it's possible, and it's easier once you've found a different "special someone"
My god, can you just get a move on and make up your mind? You know it's not fair to your new girl if you still have feelings like that for your ex, would you be able to handle it if you were the girl?
@fivepointfourtwo@xanga - I like that quote; definitely true!
The way I see it, the more serious the relationship, the less likely it is that you'll be able to stay friends after the breakup. I am friends with some guys I've dated, but it's only because it was never serious to begin with. I am not friends with any of the guys I've had serious feelings about, and for good reason--it would always be awkward between us.
And I agree with @bella_esperanza@xanga - personally, if my SO was still good friends with an ex, it would always get on my nerves. I'd be kind of like, ummm...maybe try letting go? If you hope to have success in any of your future relationships, then anyone you've loved in the past belongs just there--in the past.
@black_lie@xanga - I agree with ya.
@fivepointfourtwo@xanga - @tastytimmm@xanga - I was so going to say the same thing as the two of you. XD
My ex and I broke up a while ago (May). It was an abusive relationship and I held onto him and trying to get back together with him for a while. After a while we just couldn't do it. It was too hard. We just stopped talking. I think it should take at LEAST a good, healthy time being single to get over someone you used to love. Like 6 months to a year. Right now, I'm still pretty fragile. I still see him at church but we completely ignore each other. It doesn't hurt, but it is pretty awkward. I dunno, it's not hurt in the sense that I still want him. You have to learn to adapt without them. Stop talking to them, block them on facebook and delete them off your phone (block them if necessary), no AIM, myspace, etc. I don't know, it's just complicated for me, but I do my best to get on with my life and not to think about them and to focus on other matters in my life.
HOWEVER, I think given enough time, one could be friends with their ex. It could take a year or a decade to do so, but if your'e over them, you could be friends.
It's worthless to be friends with an ex. I agree with fivepointfourtwo. If you're honest with yourself, you'll realize that you still have feelings for her. Being friends is not going to help you get over it. Give yourself some space and some time to grow and I promise, you'll never regret getting over someone.
I still keep in touch with two of my exes, we're still friends and once in a while hang out together. it's not like we're the best of friends or anything but just friends. also we have mutual friends so we have decided to just stay friends, it's better that way.
I understand what you're going through. I tried going the friend route with my ex whom broke up with me 5 months ago. Every time it seems like we are getting along, I end up ruining it because I still have feelings for her. Right now I'm just staying away and keeping my distance. If it's meant to be, we'll end up together. If not, then it's not. It's not in my hands anymore. I'm not even going to force it anymore.
Wow, when I read this I was thinking that my ex wrote it!
He wants to be my friend, but he gets jealous/angry if I mention another guy. Coming from a girl in your ex's position, it would probably be better if you two could just leave each other alone for a while until you are FOR SURE COMPLETELY over her. It is so hard for me when he gets jealous, because I care what he thinks, but he's seriously jealous of EVERY guy and it's incredibly annoying because I can't talk about anything (even just a guy FRIEND) w/o him making jokes about how they're "stupid" (or somehow worse than he is). He's kind-of childish w/ his jealousy.
I've lived like this for two years and like clockwork about every two weeks he will get mad at me (for whatever reason - usually stupid, but sometimes good reasons to be mad) and stop talking to me for a week, and then he'll be happy with me again and talk to me and then two weeks later it starts again. It's so hard to keep a friendship because he still has feelings for me and because of this crazy jealousy. It sucks, honestly.
Give yourself a lot of time to for-sure get over her and try again. If it doesn't work, more time. If that doesn't work, I'd say it won't happen... Good luck though. :)
@xoxokissme@xanga - I agree with fivepointfourtwo. Like the more serious the relationship, the harder it is. My ex and I are "friends" but hardly hang out or talk. We definitely aren't best friends. It's kind of a dead horse now. I really think being friends with an ex depends on the type of relationship it was pre-break up.