There's a lot of talk about how you should accept your partner exactly as he is and not try to change him. How you should love him flaws and all, and if you try to change him you're being selfish and/or should just find somebody else. I do not completely agree.
I do agree that you should accept your partner exactly as he is. Accept that he has flaws and acknowledge what those flaws are; accept that those flaws may very well be an important part of who he is. If you love him flaws and all, then that's great. However, if your feelings are for the man you hope to change him into and not for the man he is now, there's a problem.
"But I thought you just said it was okay to try and change him?" you ask.
Yes, I did say that. And in my mind, it's perfectly okay to try and change your SO. However, your relationship and feelings must not hinge on the outcome of your attempt.
There's nothing wrong with trying to get your special someone to adopt a healthier lifestyle, for example.
Maybe he zones out for hours in front of the TV, noshing on Cheetos as he mindlessly watches show after show. This certainly isn't healthy, so what's wrong with encouraging him to be a more active person and eating better?
Or maybe you find that he clams up and stops talking when he's upset, walking away from fights instead of resolving them. This lack of communication isn't any good for your relationship, since it creates resentment on both sides and you never really get to hear his side of the story until weeks later. So what's wrong with trying to change his habits and open up to you a little more?
Nothing's wrong with it - the changes you're trying to bring about are ones that are beneficial to your partner and your relationship. There's no benefit to a static relationship; you want one that grows and changes for the better. Why not take a hand in directing these changes?
The key is that you have to be satisfied and happy with your relationship as it is, even if he never learns to put his dirty socks in the hamper or she eats in bed and leaves crumbs on the pillow. When you try to change the other person, it's about trying to make a great thing even better --
not about trying to bring something up to snuff. So go ahead, try to change your partner. But make sure you don't mind if you fail.
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Comments (46)
Better idea: date someone who doesn't need to change to be good enough for you.
Damnit...I submitted a post kinda like this.
knowing datingish they wont post it. assholes.
ugh but ya ur right about changing them in those ways. but i mean if ur trying to change there overall appearance and trying to make them someone there not. well than screw them
i want to be with someone who accepts me and isnt always wanting to change me.
yeppp good posttt :)
thank you! i've read countless posts and comments about how you shouldn't ever change your SO, like the first guy who commented seems to think. but i agree, if you accept and love the person as they are and are only trying to help make them better (granted, THEY have to want the help and think the change is appropriate) there's nothing wrong with that.
i.e.--my boyfriend was really into smoking pot. like, i thought lighting up twice a month was a lot, and he thought smoking was a day was cutting down. my only real concern with it is that's it's illegal, and he got arrested twice in two months on drug related charges (luckily that all worked out). i kept saying there had to be a reason that he felt he needed to be high. finally he had a break through, and agreed that giving up all drugs was the best and has been drug free for about four months now, after i kept voicing opposition for the proceeding four months.
it was something that needed to be changed. i already loved him, and other than that we really had no issues. but run-ins with cops and possibilities of prison...i didn't really want to date a convict, ya know? i think trying to get them to realize they need to change is the best way, instead of telling them they're wrong or giving them ultimatums.
thanks again for your post!
Well I guess something insignificant as a big picture to how he truly is as a person could be acceptable if you changed him that way...
But it's better to keep the changes limited and to a certain extent.
i really like this post. your examples make it soo much easier to realize tis okay.
Mmhmm. It's okay to try to change her/him if you can accept it if they don't change, unless it's a health risk.Â
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Win.
Good post :)
i like this post :)
This post sounds sort of confused and all over the place, but I agree with the general premise: that it's okay to try to change your SO.
destructive habits are definetely something to look into changing, or at least curbing.
i did this, because some of the things my boy was doing was causing me serious worries and kept me up at night at some points.
if there's some kind of habit that you're looking to change, my advice is to learn where it stems from, i did, and it broke my heart. but now i'm being more accepting and letting him sort it out and realize on his own that it's no good.
great post!
I think that in every relationship it's inevitable that two people will change one another. You both bring different things to the relationship those things you bring will change each other. Sure invite your boyfriend/girlfriend to try new things with you but don't actively try to change them. Actively trying to change someone indicates that you think your way is better and therefore that you also think that they are not good enough as they are. Both of those things are insulting concepts. If you enjoy healthy foods share them with your partner if they like them fine if not either let them go or let go of your desire for a mate that likes healthy foods. That concept applies to anything you think you are in a position to change in your partner. If something is a deal breaker it's only fair to put that on the table early in the relationship.
so far the females are in favor....
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - ha! overruled!!!!
Aren't there flaws of your gf's that you want her to change like eat healthier or speak up for herself or push her to be better in her career...etc etc
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - Problem is, mister, NO ONE is perfect, and ALL of us have got our quirks and bad habits. Admit it, you have them too.
And your SO is never gonna like ALL your bad habits. Ha! [Partially poking at you, okay? But you know me, so I can be a little mean. Bahahah.]
I think the change has to be something the other party is willing to accept... I guess? Accept them for who they are?
No one is perfect, that is what we all know.
i think it's ok to change your SO but only to a certain point. they have to be willing to change themselves or it's not going to work.
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - i don't understand why this isn't a more popular point of view.
really interesting :)
totally agree with where you're coming from :)
although admittedly, im not sure if my boyfriend has any particularly bad habits yet :O
x
Man, you make some really good points.. and i'm so conflicted, because everything in me screams to argue and be the protagonist here, but all in all, its not all that bad of a point.
I guess however, it turns out to be a really dicey game... to me at least. No one ever enjoys someone suggesting that the way they inherantly are / inherantly enjoy life needs to be different. I mean, it almost always come across as offensive... and I think, justifiably so. I mean, who are you to tell me that my cheeto and tv addiction is wrong.. even if it is compromising my health... really, i dont believe a person can be "wrong" in their lifestyle choices.. they are what they are. Now, i can appreciate the idea of having a vested interest in someone and wanting them to better themselfs.. but.. i would still suggest that your attempt to change the person is an attempt to get them to be more like you...who really values your way of life over thiers... Sure, its never said... but its still kinda like that. But since you do have that vested interest in that person, you genulinely DO want them to have a better... more productive.. healthier life... but it still peeks into shades of "your life needs to be better.. like my life is better...... than yours." Once again, thats never said.. and rarely even an active thought process.... but really, isn't that the premise that we're always abhorently offended by? Because why would you ask me to stop eatching cheeto's and watching tv, while you do it just as relegiously as i do... Why would i listen to your hypocritical cheeto muching self. However, if you dont do that.. then you're kindof above it... and you deem yourself better than that. Man, there are so many different facets to all of this.. most of which no one ever takes into consideration.. but really, when i sit back and think about it, its pretty huge.
So here's the question. You come to me and say "hey james, i get kindof worried about you sitting at home.... eating cheeto's and watching tv... you know your cholsterol isn't all tha good.. and this cant be any better for you... why dont you come try *this* with me.. i think we'd have a lot of fun" Man, totally acceptable. You've shown you have a genuine concern for me without pointing out the fact that i'm a total slob (which clearly i am, because of the cheeto hand prints on my super nintendo t-shirt) ... and for a minute, i actually consider your offer.... howver...
what if i just enjoy spending my time on the couch... knowing full well the oppertunities there are for me within one phone call away. What if i just genuinely get my jollies on that? Then what?... Do you still accept me for me?... knowing full well the health risks and the chocie i make to keep that risk... or do i become your domestic renovation rather than your boyfriend?
@Dare2BDiferentt@xanga - @Sunshine08x21@xanga - Win!
It's perfectly fine to recommend a change to your SO, as long as you're just as accepting to his or her recommendations. What I find unacceptable is when asking becomes nagging. Things tend to go downhills for me from that point on. Success typically depends on how you ask.
People tend to forget that a relationship takes work from two people ;)
I tell my fiancee that she needs to go see the dentist more often and it took a year before she finally agreed. In exchange, I try to be more accommodating when she asks me to do things, such as drop my socks into the laundry basket =P
At the end of the day, if you're planning for the long term, then you learn to accept what won't/can't change. Pick what you love and love what you pick.
@TheDoubleDeuces@xanga - I love the way you think. Your thought process seriously intrigues me beyond words.
In a healthy relationship, some sort of change (from both parties) is bound to happen. When two people spend a great amount of time together, they tend to take on habits of the other. Well, at least in my case. For many years, I struggled with an eating disorder. I was honest with my boyfriend about it, so he helped me come up with a solution. We started eating healthier..together. The both of us drink too much, so we cut back...together. I was smoking a pack a day and quit with his support. He never had a relationship with as much as I need. We work on expressing our feelings openly with each other EVERY day and I believe that's what keeps us so damn strong.
Anyway, I guess I didn't need to give quite so many examples but oh well. So yes, I do believe it's okay to encourage your partner to change. But only if they actually want to. If not, even something small has the potential to ruin a relationship.
I agree that in a relationship people naturally adapt to eachother. And in some cases it is possible to manipulate someone into the habits you see more fitting. However, I'd rather not deal with someone I want to seriously "change". If I think about my S.O and only think of things I want to change (which has happened), I let him go.
What happens when in a few years and he looks himself in the mirror not recognising who he has become? Will he resent you?
The likelihood of someone meeting your expectations that they haven't met already is low. If "he" is an unmotivated s.o.b. with no goals, well then, he can find some and get back to me. I'm not his mentor.
Very good post. =) i kind of agree.