A friend of mine once said that winter is the dating season because people are cold and want somebody to cuddle with. I don't have any statistical data on this claim , but I do know that nothing makes me contemplate being single more than cold days. On cold days I like to drink tea and watch movies in bed, and I must say it would be nice to have someone next to me to swap some witty jokes with-- I mean, don't want to be running down the hall just to tell my neighbor "That's what she said" because some actor proclaimed, "That was rough". It would just be convenient to have someone already next to me...
But it seems that of late other friends of mine have brought to my attention the apparent absurdity of wanting and actually pursuing a significant other, feeding me the classic line "it will just happen". And now I am in a moral (or perhaps "romantic") dilemma of trying to find the balance between having no expectations and being happy and knowing exactly what I want. However, I cannot help but wonder when it comes to matters of the heart is the mantra best lived
"90% Luck, 10% Perspiration" (what I interpret as looking good just cause and being lucky enough to have someone notice) or
"90% Perspiration, 10% Luck" (taking a mission impossible approach to love and doing some heavy duty preparation). I've always taken the latter and gotten crap for it, but it's not exactly like luck has been on my side unless it's manifesting itself in the form of cruel irony.
In my experience luck has been the tall, dark, and handsome, grad school-esque type that hit on me in the library, but much to my dismay reveal a smile that implies rocks for breakfast.
Or the energetic stranger on the bus who makes me the apple of his eye until some 25 year old disable chick hobbles into his life. Oh, and how can I forget the weird guy with plastic bags for gloves who followed me down the street. Yes, how lucky I am...
Not to say that perspiring 90% of the time has brought me much success either, but I am not wholly convinced that handing off my fate to chance is a better ideology. In life, we are taught that if want something we have to pursue it and are encouraged to take an active approach to our goals. As Thomas Alva Edison once famously said, 'Success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration'; and let's face it, no one is telling that kid who wants to get into NYU, "It will just happen". Therefore I ask, in love and for all those people on dating websites, is it that bad to keep your eye on the prize or are we perspirers in desperate need of some cooling off?
“When men attempt bold gestures, generally it's considered romantic. When women do it, it's often considered desperate or psycho.”- Carrie Bradshaw [Sex & the City]
Recommend
Comments (17)
Yeah I'm not for the "it'll just happen" approach. But then my problem for years is that I wanted to work at it, meet people, see what'd happen, but I was afraid of actually GETTING what I wanted, hah!!
My last big relationship was a combo of effort and luck. I put effort into meeting that person and somewhat luckily we clicked more than I think either of us thought we would. But if I'd not put the original effort in, none of that would have happened.
I liked the quote by Carrie Bradshaw xD
There is a balance between really trying to seek out an SO and just "letting it happen."
I think the "90% Perspiration" approach tends to backfire for a couple reasons. 1) You start analyzing people for their dating potential immediately after meeting them, which (in my case, anyway) leads you to quickly find any potential flaws before getting a sense of the whole person and whatever hidden charms they may have. 2) On the other hand, maybe instead of focusing on flaws, you mold every guy you meet into Prince Charming. C'mon, we've all done it--you meet someone pretty, they make a good first impression, and in the days or weeks between your first and second meeting you idealize them, project characteristics onto them that you want them to have--whether they are there or not. And yes, it can look desperate. I don't think this is gender-specific, I see it in guys too.
As for the "90% Luck" approach, well...you can't expect to find somebody if you don't put yourself out there, right?
Here is what I would suggest: Aim for having a rich social life, but try not to look at it as simply a way to screen people for dating. Go out, make new friends, talk to people--let your feelings develop instead of needing to know. You can work hard to make friends, enter new social circles, and get to know people, but get to know them for the sake of knowing them, not for the cuddles (as nice as those are.)
That whole first paragraph... I'm right there with you.
And Idk.. I feel like I come off as desperate so much. But I hear it's all in my head. I am told that guys like those "bold gestures." But I just I'm just old fashioned and would rather wait for the guy to make the "bold gestures."
In my last relationship... we met by luck/coincidence but had to put more work into our relationship when we were finally official. People didn't like us dating because he was in college and I was in high school... but we still made it work. I think it's more like 50/50.
I feel your pain, OP. I've been rejected, viciously, by the last two guys I've asked out, and the last guy to ask me out was five years older than me and obsessed with anime, specifically a certain 12-year-old character and a male dog demon. I'm 17. The only others were complete creepers, as well, and my ex was a clingy, jerk of a WoW addict.
for me personally, if i want something, i'll go after it.
@astudyinemerald@xanga - i really like your suggestion. i actually entered a new social circle and met someone, but it didn't work out. i don't think i mind waiting, but its just for how long! especially when i'm meeting the wrong type of guys.
@sweeetstache@xanga - i consider myself old fashion too. guys who make bold gestures get kudos from me. it shows confidence and is romantic in my opinion.
As a guy, every past relationship (no matter how short of long) has happened on account of just being myself and not forcing/purposely pursuing anything. It's usually the ones that I pursue that end up crashing and burning, if I even get a chance to go for that drive so-to-speak.
It'll happen when you least expect it, and when it does, you'll smile knowing you didn't do much to deserve it.
@SandersIsWondering - i totally agree with you.
UGH. I know exactly what you mean. It sucks even more when you start realizing that you are a great good catch: attractive, intelligent, caring, healthy, etc.
I used to be into the whole "I know it will happen if it's meant to be" type of thing until recently, I met a great guy online. I had posted an ad on Craiglist just as a joke (I wasn't serious about it... just more like curious). And one thing led to another and we ended up having a great time together this summer.
He's a senior at a college and going back to school now and I'm studying abroad so we ended up not dating but he asked me if I would like to be his girlfriend when I come back from Europe.
Some people might think it was a desperate attempt on my part but I don't think so. Firstly, I wasn't serious about the ad at all and secondly, I didn't think I would end up meeting such a great guy like him. Maybe some things will "just happen" but it never hurts to put yourself out there.
Good luck
I feel truly sorry for people who actually believe the shit Sex and the City, or "He's Just Not That Into You", preaches. Sighs.
I'd say it's more like 70% luck and 30% perspiration. All you need to do is be honest, care about your appearance, be confident and put yourself where you'll meet the kind of person you will be the happiest with. Don't try to meet intellectuals at bars, sporty people at the library, etc.
You can completely eliminate the luck aspect by using a good online dating service but what's the fun in that?
@hillaryaxxo@xanga - your story is amazing! seriously. i met my ex on craig's list and it started off as a joke on the advice of a friend. but he ended up being a really great guy, but we broke up partly because im studying abroad this semester.
@SandersIsWondering - Aw thank you!!
Haha I'm so glad someone agrees with me that Craiglist *can be* (and I emphasize can because... there ARE some shady ads out there) a great place to meet someone.
Where are you going abroad? You must be super excited!
@hillaryaxxo@xanga - england!