Monday, 24 August 2009
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Should We Expose A Cheater?
My boyfriend and I went out for a date night recently and while we were having fun just goofing around, he suddenly had a distracted look on his face. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he thought he saw his friend's dad walking to a nearby bar with a few girls, who looked about mid- to early-20's. We decided to walk a fair distance behind them to see if the guy was actually who my boyfriend thought he was (and yes, my boyfriend confirmed that the guy IS his friend's dad). We followed them until they reached the bar and when the guy turned around to open the door for the ladies, he saw us. I immediately looked away, pretending I didn't know what was going on because I don't even know him. A few seconds later, when they went in, my boyfriend told me that his friend's dad gave him a look that was something along the lines of, "Oh shit, please don't tell anyone about this". I tried to suggest more optimistic scenarios for what happened: maybe his wife was inside? Maybe those girls were coworkers? Maybe it's something else and it's not as big of a deal as we think it is?
My boyfriend then asked me if he should call his friend and tell him about it. On the one hand, he wants his friend to be aware of what his dad is doing (if he is cheating, that is) but, on the other hand, my boyfriend doesn't want to be the first to tell him because first, he'd feel like he "f***ed up his friend's life" and second, it's none of our business anyway. I didn't know what to tell him, so we decided to just drop the conversation and head home.
What do you guys think?
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Comments (66)
That's hard. I'd probably wait it out a little while and see if it continues. I'd say something eventually though. Because it's really not fair to the people in his life to not know he's cheating. BUT I also wouldn't directly come out and say he's cheating. I'd just say I saw him with some girls or whatever. It looks like he was cheating, but that's not something that should be presumed right away.
I myself am in a situation where I know a guy is going behind his finance/baby mama's back. He's my ex though and he always has an excuse, so I'm afraid that if there isn't definite proof she can see that she won't believe it because he'll come up with some story. I hate knowing that he doesn't want to be with her and is basically using her till he looks good enough to file for full custody, and not telling though.
If you are not sure whether he is cheating or not, I suggest you just keep it to yourself.
This is tough. I'd say wait it out a little. If it does come out later that you guys saw him, you can always say you didn't think anything of it. Of course, there is no reason to just assume this guy is cheating.
If this happens again, i'd tell you boyfriend to bring it up his friend, but in a not so harsh manner. "Hey I saw your Dad the other day...." maybe bring up the topic to him, so he can find things out on his own.
stay out of it.
EXPOSE THAT MOTHERFUCKER
I would say something to the friend...
What are you? The morality police? Stay out of it.
For those of you who stated above that you should stay out of it, in my opinion, i think that is absolutely and ridiculously sad. Now unless you have ever been cheated on and know the pain and stress it causes you should butt out. My mom was in this situation and people new way before she did that she was being cheated on by my father. Her own friends didnt even tell her. what cowards. put yourself in their shoes. if you were being cheated on, dont you think you'd want to know? or would you rather continue walking around with your head in the clouds thinking everything is fine and dandy.
here's an anology for you all. mind you, this of course isn't to the same degree but whatever.
let's say you witness a murder. you saw the man who murdered your bestfriends friend. but you chose to stay out of it because you don't want to get involved in such an act. so you walk away and continue your life like nothing happened. but yet you carry this stess inside knowing that you know something that no one else knows. why would you want to walk away from such a thing when you get be the hero in the situation who speaks out, goes to the police and the police capture the murderer before he gets anyone else.
think about it.
haha weird. this Thursday me and my sister are doing a stakeout and following my father to expose him of his deeds.
i think people should only be exposed depending on how close you are to the cheater; if its not a close relationship then it really isnt your business.
i think you should tell them. because nothing hurts more than everyone else knowing WAY before you did. YOU would want to know if you get cheated on right? It wouldn't be his fault, the family have to know sooner or later...
i think its okay to tell your boyfriend's friend about what you saw. obviously don't say, "i think your dad is cheating on your mom", but you can say something like, "i saw your dad the other day at (place) around this time. he was with a bunch of girls that looked around our age - were they your friends?" it would just show that your boyfriend was curious and/or concerned, and to tell your boyfriends boy to watch out for his mom. i think thats fair.
If you don't know for sure you probably shouldn't say anything. It could have been totally innocent and if something is said there could be a lot of drama.
stay out of it..
i agree with the commenters that favor objective reporting- your boyf can tell his friend what you guys saw- his dad out with some younger girls. this is definitely not evidence of cheating. but if his wife doesn't know about it, she has a right to be suspicious. and then, if there was a logial explanation, your worries can be put aside and you don't have to carry it around with you.
i particularly like the suggestion that you ask if it was your boyf's friend's friends- playing dumb may be the best plan, not all accusatory
Here's what I would do:
Tell the friend what you saw, as objectively as possible. You saw his dad at a bar with some 20-something girls, His behavior looked sketchy, in your opinion. No, you did not directly witness any bad or unfaithful behavior. Then leave it in the friend's hands, back off. He may confront his dad or talk to his mom--or already know the details of the situation.
@missbarbie08@xanga - @melllyyy@xanga - @dearFLOPPY@xanga - @JennyGee@xanga - @astudyinemerald@xanga - to everyone but missbarbie, you guys win. I like all of these. To missbarbie, it's not right to compare POSSIBLE cheating, to murder. For one, cheating isn't murder, not even the worst, most vile cheating you can imagine. At least when you get cheated on, you LIVE through it. For two, there's no evidence, as all these other posters have said, that any cheating was even happening.
Do NOT stay out of this. I have to side completely with what @missbarbie08@xanga just said. Your friend will be even more pissed off at you if he realizes you knew what was going on and you didn't give him a forewarning.
I've never been cheated on, per say, but I've had friends who were secretly manipulating me or talking crap behind my back. Other people knew that they were up to no good, and they didn't give me any warning, but stood back because it was "none of their business". I absolutely HATED THEM for not giving me any advance notice. If I was dating a girl and she was cheating on me, and I had other friends who knew, but didn't warn me, I would feel doubly betrayed both by the girl in question AND those "friends".
If you want to be a good friend to this guy, a little initial hurt, shock, and surprise, followed by his appreciation of your doing the right thing, will be a LOT better than him not knowing at first, consulting you, and either finding out you knew and hating your ass, or not finding out, but putting you in the position to live with the guilt of not saying anything.
TELL HIM!
i wouldn't stay out of it completely, but i'd give the friend a heads up that is dad might be screwing around. he might be mad for you "f*cking up his life," but he'll be even more mad if people know and don't tell him.
I think the first thing to do would be to talk to the father and see what the deal is. It may actually be something innocent, and if that's the case, it would really suck to destroy a family over it.
That's the first step. The second depends on how the father answers.
If he answers that it was innocent, and you believe him, let it drop there.
If he answers that it was innocent and you DON'T believe him, I'd discuss it with the friend, but in a non-threatening way. In other words, "Dude, I was out with my SO the other night and saw your dad with these young girls--for a minute I was like, "Whaaaaat?", but then I asked him about it and he said (fill in his explanation here), so it wasn't what it looked like. But damn, dude, he had me worried for a minute!" That way, you're not hiding anything, but on the off chance that your lie radar is off, again, you're not destroying a family. Your friend may have a sense that something is wrong between his folks, and by telling him what you saw, and what his father said about it, you might be helping him confirm to himself that he's not crazy while still not outright accusing his father of being a philandering liar.
And finally, if the father admits that he's screwing around? Expose him like a flasher exposes his junk to old ladies on park benches. Seriously, do you want your friend's mother to get an STD because her husband is screwing around? Do you want your friend to all of a sudden have to deal with an illegitimate half-sibling from some baby-mama his own age because his father was messing around? These things can, and do happen. Try to prevent them from happening to your friend and his mother.
Stay out of it. Not your or your boyfriend's business.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - That friend of the boyfriend will get mad/upset either way....if he was told by him or found out he knew all along.
@GaMeGurLsH@xanga - Trust me, it'll be worse if he finds out he knew all along and never said a word.
xpialadocious@xanga if you paid attention to what i said you wouldve read that i said "here's an anology for you all. mind you, this of course isn't to the same degree but whatever."
of course it isnt a MURDER. but it still brings guilt, emotions and loss to the table. it feels like a death bc of course a relationship is murdered when someone cheats on the SO(significant other). bc after you find your SO cheated on you your relationship is pretty much in the ruins and you can't trust them ever again. so it is basically like a death of a relationship if you ask me.
anyways. everyone is entitled to their own opinion. and whether you tell the person or not basically defines the type of person you are.
@Coffee_Kaioken@xanga - Having his parents divorce may not be the 'best thing' to happen to him because his dad is being selfish.
i would probably mention what you saw to the friend, but from what you said there is no hard proof that he's cheating.
and as far as "its none of your business" or "stay out of it", if he is cheating, then what about the woman he is cheating on?
i feel like sometimes the cheater wants to be protected, but what about the person/ people that they're hurting? don't there feelings count too?