Wednesday, 19 August 2009
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Dating Husker-Style
Do girls ask guys out in Nebraska?I watched an episode of ‘Sex and the City’ tonight in which Charlotte started asking guys out instead of the other way around. She went so crazy with it, she “double booked” herself one evening.
Now, “double booking” doesn’t really seem normal, even in this day of evolved feminism. But the idea that a woman can ask a man out seems perfectly ordinary, maybe even expected in some instances.
Except when I put such an idea within the context of my own life.
I have never seriously considered asking a guy out, although hinting at want I want is always an option. I am not sure if this is a reflection of my environment, but I have my suspicions. In Nebraska, where I am from, guys are guys and girls and girls, in general. Now, you see multiple exceptions to this everyday, especially when you are from the biggest city in the state or reside on a college campus the majority of the year like I do. But, in general, I have observed that women here haven’t taken as full advantage of their changing role in society as women from more…. liberal, more…. urban areas have (or are portrayed to have in the current media).
Don’t get me wrong. Girls are forward here when they want to be. Or when they really have to be. But from my personal experiences and observations, this was always in situations when both parties were not expecting anything lasting. A fling, a hook-up, something fun was all that was wanted. Few of my friends who have strong, long-term relationships and who have also grown up in Nebraska have been the ones to make that first move. Even if they were risky enough to ask a boy out, they quickly fall back into a role where they are not the ones who “wear the pants” in the relationship. I have friends who are strong ladies, yet they so easily fall into the damsel in distress position and boost the egos of their significant others, subconsciously or not.
Now, I have to wonder, is this not just a Nebraska, “country bumpkin” kind of thing? Is it more universal than that? Do girls and guys both expect (or at least find it easier) to revert into these gender roles in order to have a more lasting and smoother going relationship?
My current situation relates to this question. I was getting to know a guy at the end of semester at school. Then summer came and I was left hanging. And with all this hang time, I’ve had time to think. This boy, at least according to my sources, has never had a girlfriend before. When school resumes, what if I was to ask him out? He is what a city girl like myself might call a farm boy. How would he view my forwardness? More times than I can count, I have heard that guys find a girl who can make the first move attractive. But what follows? If the guy has never had a SO before, would he find it easy to fall into a role where the girl was always creating the action, making the decisions? Wait, should a girl relish such a position in the relationship then? Would I? Or would the majority of women out there (myself included maybe?) want the guy to start taking control?
So many questions! Just a few more, though.
Finally, however, I have to examine the relationship I know best; that of my parents. Of course, they are from a different generation. But my mom pursued my dad. And look where they are today. Both my parents work, but my dad has the higher income. He is always the driver when we go out, but he also cooks dinner for my family most nights. This division of roles that some might find untraditional reflects further aspects of my parents’ lives. I do not view this as insignificant when the bulk of my friends’ parents do not share such equal positions within their marriages.
In the end, Charlotte decided to stop asking guys out seeing as it blew up in her face. But what does that say about women? What does it mean for women?
So I suppose what I am really asking is... well I do not know, actually. Are my reservations for asking this guy out stemming from the place I grew up in, the people I grew with, or some deeper, darker place?
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Comments (23)
Ha, I've never asked anyone out but I've made it very clear I liked them. Hah.
Maybe you should befriend and see where it goes from there. I once really liked a a student who transferred from California to my school (which is in NJ). We shared a couple of classes together, so I offered to show him around and help him familiarize himself with the area. Along the way, I also realized that he's not boyfriend material to me, so now we're just friends. Maybe you should do what your mom did; pursue him. Befriend him. Talk to him. You never know unless you try.
It's interesting that you related this to Nebraska, because I also am from there. I don't really see girls making the first move around here and people who are in relationships are with someone who is a friend or someone they've known for a long time. However, I haven't been as lucky and have always had to go after the guys I find interesting. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes it didn't. I don't think there is anything wrong with you taking control but maybe the guy just doesn't know how to react since he's never had an SO before?
Well, I've never actually "asked out" a guy, but I made the first step. I'm not afraid to tell someone I have feelings for them, and then see how things progress from there.
I'd be happy if a woman asked me out. I wouldn't expect her to then after "wear the pants" in the relationship. Sometimes us guys are just dense and don't notice the signs women give us to let us know they're interested.
If more women asked guys out, they may have a greater appreciation of how difficult it can be.
I asked a guy to "hang out" when I think it was pretty obvious I was hitting on him. He said yes, but well things didn't really work well after our "date" with his friend dan...uhhh...
Needless to say, Im retired. I let boys do the asking now.
LOL I LIVE IN NEBRASKA.
sorry, but i had to say that.xD
anyway to answer your question, i found that chivalry doesn't really exist in nebraska. girls pay for their own things, ask out guys more often then vice versa, etc.
ahh i dont really know what nebraska has to do with this...
i've lived in nebraska and kansas most of myl ife and sure you can ask a guy out if you want, but usually most people are traditional around here and want the guy to ask the girl out.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - where in nebraska do you live?? lol
i dont think it really has to do with nebarska. it has to do with city vs small town. in a small town you're more likely to find old customs being practiced. in the city you can still find it but its harder to sort through all the people.
I'm from MO so I may not be much help in the cultural dept. but honestly I think a good rule of thumb is never to ask a guy out because then you can always be sure of not being rejected. Guys love the hunt and the challenge of getting a girl. But on the other hand, why not? Maybe you are just beating him to the punch anyway. I have a fear of rejection so I love that I am a girl and don't have to worry about getting turned down, but if that isn't your reservations, might as well go for it. A lot of guys will take it as a pleasant surprise. But if you ask him out, who pays? It starts getting confusing. But if he is a farm boy he may be like my cousin, literally incapable of asking a girl out because he is so shy and insecure, so a girl asking him out would be a dream come true. (And ya, that last part was a major stereotype...sorry.)
@NadoAngel@xanga - i live in omaha. but in larger cities you can find a lot of guys who practice chivalry. it really depends on the type of people you hang out with, a lot of culture and ethnic influences etc.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - yes very true. thats why i said you can find them in the larger cities but its just a lil harder sometimes.
yayaya to nebys! i live in nebraska tooooo
I live in Southern California. I've asked guys out and they like that I'm able to take charge. I suppose they like the idea of "tiny little asian girl can socially kick butt." or at least, I like to think so. Ahh, I'm just kidding. But yeah, I mean, we live in the 21st century... I hate to keep saying that but it's true! The equality of the sexes ftw...!
@brokenheartedboi@xanga - It depends how hot / cute the girl is. Some girls can get away with anything.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - I totally agree. Also, you and I went to the same high school. I had to say that.
Like Mary, I also live in Nebraska. I take my boyfriend on dates and he takes me on dates. It's pretty equal. We've been together six and a half months and nobody really wears the pants. In a good relationship, both parties are on an equal playing field. In previous relationships, I wore the pants.
I think it's personality rather than where you are geographically located. If you have a more dominating personality, you may ask guys out and may take the lead in the relationship. In turn, that will reverse roles.
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@snapeful@xanga - Haha, true. Although I would be impressed with any woman asking me out. It would be quite flattering.
@getta_ring_on_it - Nobody likes being rejected, even the most extroverted and confident men.
@XoAsianBabioX@xanga - Yes, there are a lot of chivalrous guys out there. I always hold doors open (for anyone), open the car door for my date/gf, be polite and considerate, etc.
@brokenheartedboi@xanga - yeah, i think girls that take charge are pretty hot that way. not that i want to date any girl who's like a control freak. girls that are confidant exude beauty. XD
@brokenheartedboi@xanga of course all people hate rejection, but seeeing how cultural rules allow girls to avoid it, why not take advantage of it if you can? lol and all people don't like it, but some handle it better than others.
@getta_ring_on_it - i see where you're going with the rejection thing- i don't like pursuing guys because, in my experience, a guy who is willing to pursue me is more into me. also, i, too, believe they enjoy the "hunt"- at least, most of them do. unlike you, i've always wished it was the other way around and it was more socially acceptable for women to do the asking, but i've found this not to be the case, even in Chicago
i've lived in urban areas all my life (east-coaster right here). i have never asked a guy out, either on a date or to be my boyfriend. however, i don't play the cat and mouse games.
if i like a guy enough that i would even consider dating him (and i have to like him A LOT, like i'm sure i will be in love in just a few months) i make it clear i like him. and by that, i mean, i tell him straight up how i feel. i have nothing to lose if he's not already dating me anyway, right?
while i do not initiate dates, i will suggest hanging out or things like that, but never anything that you would call a date. i also do not call first if i am romantically interested. however, in my current relationship, i would have to say that i pursued him. i invited him to go to a party an hour away from his house (but only a few miles from mine at college). then i was "conveniently" too tired or drunk (can't remember which now) to drive him all the way home, and even if he drove my car with me in it to his house, how ever would i get back to my place (he still lived with his parents). i basically kidnapped him until it was just assumed he would come over, and here we are now, happy as clams.
sometimes you have to take the risk. it's up to you how much risk you take.