Wednesday, 19 August 2009
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He Doesn't Have A Job
The boyfriend and I have been together for three years. Despite our young age, it's not "puppy love." We are in a serious relationship and have talked about marriage, when we're ready of course. His family adores me and surprisingly, my dad didn’t kick my ass when I had the balls to bring him home (my fam is somewhat conservative and strict, typical of Asians). We're pretty much chill about everything. We don't argue, clash heads nor fight. He is smart, funny, and has manners. He treats me well and cares about me. What more could I ask for? Fine and dandy right?But there's something about his daily routine that has been bothering me lately.
So it's summer break and neither of us are taking classes. I've been busy working full-time and was finally able to purchase my first car. You have no idea how much I loathe public transportation. It's full of crazies! An old man jacking off next to me? Oh hell naw, forget this. He, on the other hand, has been busy chillin’ at home and has been unemployed for the past 7 months. He doesn't have a car of his own since he is not as financially stable.It doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t have a car. What bothers me is that he wakes up every day at 3 p.m. and stays up until 4 a.m. to play games on his computer. I shit you not. The dude enjoys his video games. His PC is his pride and joy (built and over-clocked himself), and I understand why. I do love me some of that StarCraft and RPGs... but for 13 hours a day? It ain’t that serious. And no, he’s not cheating on me. I know that for sure. (And pr0n does not count as cheating in my book haha).
Let’s rewind. Seven months ago, I hooked him up with a position at my current job. Three months later, he was fired because A) he refused to do things that weren't in his job description and B) he felt like he was being underpaid. I agree with him, but it’s an entry level job and he didn’t have experience. It’s a job, not a career.
Since then, he has been unemployed. He says that it’s hard to find a job and that he hates job hunting (employers not telling you that your app was rejected, etc; ) It IS a hassle, but if you really want something, hop on that ish and get it, right? He says he wants a job, but he barely makes an effort to look. I used to spoon feed him postings on Craigslist too! Shame on me.With that being said..
He could be doing so much instead of sitting in front of his PC! I used to make up excuses for his actions. He IS being productive! He’s polishing his programming and scripting skills because he’s trying to perfect that MS server, or he probably wants to relax before the new semester and focus on school! I had enough, so I finally confronted him yesterday. He apologized and admitted that he “was a bum” and yeah, he “should get a job.” I didn't instruct him to do anything because I’m in no position to do so. If he’s content with his routine, so be it.. I guess.
Despite being unemployed, he still fights for the check and pays for things. In no way is he mooching off of me. I feel as if I shouldn't be bothered by any of this because I am not his mother or wife. Maybe I’m becoming a psychotic, controlling girlfriend? I can be lazy as hell and I am definitely not perfect, but I feel that both partners need to be motivated and to drive each other to succeed in life, especially if you plan on having a future together, yes?
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- From: anonymish
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Comments (44)
Maybe he really does just want to chill before he goes back to studying? I worked every University holiday, and now that Uni is finished and I'm looking at the thought of working full time for the rest of my life, I really wish I had cherished those summers?
I don't think it's controlling, but remember that we all do have different wants and aspirations, and pushing it won't exactly do wonders for your relationship...
I worked all through school and finished my senior year working three parttime jobs at the same time. My grades sucked. Looking back, I wish I had worked much less or not at all and just concentrated on my studies. I would have gotten more out of my degree.
So I would cut him some slack, but I wouldn't enter into anything permenantly until he finishes school and gets and holds a job for awhile.
When I read this, I kept thinking to myself, is someone playing a trick on me? This is MY story!
When I met my fiance, he would sleep in until 5PM, go to sleep at 7AM. He didn't go to school and didn't have a job. I went to school full-time, and worked full-time ... eventually taking on 2 jobs.
2 years into our relationship (I'm a sucker), I finally had enough. I told him to get off his effin' ass and do something with his life. He needed to grow up and start acting like a man. I am not working my butt off to support both of us. I kept nagging him, refused to pay for everything, refused to go out on dates with him, broke up with him a couple of times to find someone with more maturity and eventually he got it. He finish school and got a job. Sure the first couple of jobs sucked and didn't pay well, but at least he showed that he was making an effort to improve our future together.
Now he's got a career and we're going to be married next Saturday. Your bf needs to understand that not everyone love their job, but it's a responsibility that everyone has. He needs to grow up and quit acting like you're his sugar momma.
I wouldn't worry too much about it yet. A lot of people don't get summer jobs out of sheer laziness. Once you graduate and you HAVE to get a job and work....you will do it out of necessity. I had your bf's sleep schedule pretty much throughout most of college (and not just in the summer). I wondered if I was 1/16th vampire cuz I was pretty much awake mostly during the night. I didn't think I could even hold a real full time job....but once I had to start waking up at 6am every day and going to work....well, you just start doing it.
I'd be more concerned about the video game playing. I understand not getting a job....but staring at a computer for 13 hours a day is seriously a waste of life.
i think you're right to be concerned. it's one thing to decide to have a relaxing summer, but it's another thing to waste it away on video games all day. he could at least get a part time job or do SOMETHING productive.
sure, he's in college, and it's summer break... but i believe how he spends time now will probably translate into the future as well. heck i'm a lazy person as well, but spending your WHOLE summer on 13 hours of video games each day just shows a total lack of motivation. even something fun but more productive, like playing sports/working out everyday or traveling all summer would show that he has interest in LIFE.. not just lazying around and playing virtual games.
@JustGoneCrazy - i totally agree. he needs to suck it up and grow up. sometimes it takes a few break upin order to let them know that you're really serious. because that's how it was with me. I'm not about to pay for you if you're not even making an effort to show me that you're making an effort too.
I'm curious...you mentioned summer break but he's unemployed for 7 months? Anyway, it is hard out there right now so him not having a job is more common than you think. Plus you're both still young with not a lot of responsibilities. Can you imagine being unemployed and having to pay your mortgage or feed your family? Hopefully when the economy picks itself back up, he'll be able to find something.
But just make sure he hasn't turned into a mindless, video game playing zombie because that's a REALLY hard habit to break! It's an addiction regardless of how you see it.You should be concerd. It's not super bad if your not living together because you don't have to pay rent and what not and having to pay for roommates and or S.O. for everything can be draining. You don't want to be stuck in a relationship that's just you pulling the weight. I have seen it twice now where the guy loses a job, and then becomes a slacker and a bum for months to a year. I don't know why it happens but they guy seems to just shut down and not care anymore. You need to see how much he tries to do on is own to get a job. If he doens't do anything for awhile you need to give him a deadline to find one or you will break up with him. That's what my bro's GF did and he kinda got more into gear and he now has a job and is working again.
Most of the time people just need a quick kick in the ass to get going again.
You have a job, so I'm sure it's just as simple as saying "if you want something, get it." There are people out there with college degrees who can't even get work at an ice cream stand, so I don't know, maybe you should chill out? If he's going to school and not mooching I don't see how it's your position to be bothered by it.
well, i had an Ex in that position he was unemployed for a year and refused to get a job and instead spent my mom on self-help books to start some stupid entrepreneurial career in something that would require more money.
i dumped his ass.
when you try and its not enough, the one thing to change is....being with him.
if he's not going to see that life moves on after one failed attempt then years from now he'll understand you made the right choice.
otherwise get him to blog about games and use google adsense since he enjoys being on the computer so much.
ahahah he a bum, on that computar playin' them blippy bloopy vidya games all day, you better dump his ass and get you a man with a job, girlfriend
If he's going to school to earn a degree, who really cares what he does with his summer vacation? Please read that: VACATION. This is my last summer before going to college and I've spent most of it on my computer, or spending time with my boyfriend, and just generally being lazy...because you know, when the school year comes, I don't have a lick of spare time because I'm busy doing schoolwork and getting good grades. Be easier on him. It's not like he's mooching off of you and has a degree but refuses to get a job.
What a person does in their down time isn't an indication of their work ethic and weight of responsibility they pull.
@Bella_Mabel@xanga - Being in high school is different. If they were in high school, I would totally agree with you, but it sounds like they're in college. When you're a grown-up, you don't get a summer vacation. That's something you enjoy your high school years.
I worked through college and got good grades, he should be able to as well. Perhaps you should suggest he work in a computer lab or something, it would be income and something he might enjoy. People seem to get the impression that you shouldn't work while in college. That just sounds stupid to me.
Keep nagging and tell him to get his lazy ass off the chair. Maybe he will after he's had it with your nagging. It worksss.
It would be one thing if he had been trying to get a job and just couldn't because of the economy, but seriously, he does nothing but play video games all day? I'd be concerned, too. It's good that he doesn't expect you to support him, but it sounds like he needs to get into the business of supporting himself. Especially if he intends to be your husband someday, he needs to demonstrate that he can pull his weight.
Be happy you're not in MY situation... My guys only job last 1 month. So he basically worked 1 month his whole life, till this day he'll be 23 and never had a job... I'll be 25 and I have a child with him. So i'm working and he's the stay at home daddy. I give him $200 a month to save for whatever he needs. Not to mention his mother gives him a credit card that she pays for. and I even give his mom $300 a month jus to "help-out"... you don't have it so bad...
@JustGoneCrazy - You still get a break inbetween the spring and fall semesters at most universities. Unless you're taking classes inbetween, it's still time off from going to class and working on your degree.
He sounds like he isn't finished growing up, yet. I'm sure he is content with his routine, because what could be more fun than being lazy all day and not HAVING to do anything? :p Sounds like fun to me!
But, aside from that, I'm sure all along he's noticed that he's being "a bum" and that he "should get a job" but he hasn't wanted to. And that isn't likely to change until he has no choice or gets bored with being a man of leisure, I think. :p
Still, you are right. You aren't his mother or his wife. However, maybe it should be a demand of him before you do get married. Because, after all, if he hasn't got a job by the time you're both ready to get married you will soon be his wife and then it WILL be your problem.
It isn't like you're asking him to switch places and let you stay home all day. You just want him to pull his own weight in the relationship, and being motivated and helping your partner be motivated and successful is part of the equation for you. So, that is something you need out of a mate when the time comes.
It concerns me that he kind of uses lame reasons either not to look for a job, apply for a job, or keep a job. Especially, the job you helped him get. That kinda reflects on you, since it was where you work. :/
But, he doesn't like job-hunting and from the sound of it he doesn't like applying for jobs either and then not knowing whether or not you've been rejected or not. So...if he hates those and refuses to do them because he doesn't like them, and then won't even make an effort when he gets spoon-fed job opportunities by you, then that pretty much says right there that he isn't just unmotivated, he doesn't want a job. He probably is more unhappy with the idea of work than he is with the idea of anything else.
Then again, as you said you are a young couple. He has time to mature and get motivated. :)
Good luck! I hope things work out!
@Sickness_Mimi@xanga - ... and you're still with him, why? Sounds like you can take care of you and your child by yourself.
@Bella_Mabel@xanga - Going to college is a step towards growing up. As a grown-up, you do not get summer vacation. You get to work year-round. Sorry to burst your bubble, but unless you have parents who spoil you or a sugar daddy, life as a responsible adult will come and kick you in your face once you get into college.
@JustGoneCrazy - yea, its not so simple to jus leave a guy because he's not financially stable. My son needs a father figure in his life and in my eyes, as long as he's a good father and boyfriend/husband and we're not struggling financially its ok to me. Plus, if he did work, he'd make half of what I make with 10x more hard work... its only logical that I work untill he either reaches his career goal (which he's training to fight UFC) or if it doesn't work out go back to school and eventually get a career.
He sounds like my ex - what a loser!
@JustGoneCrazy - ...but you do get summer vacation. There's a break inbetween the semesters. It's not the same cliche "summer vacation" you think about in grade school, but it's time off from classes. It's there for a reason. It's his choice if he wants to work or not. If he's not losing his apartment and struggling to pay his bills, who gives a damn honestly? I also didn't see the author mentioning they were living together, so I'm guessing he has a friend or a relative he's living with that can tolerate him until the fall semester starts back up, which is honestly happening right now at a lot of schools. You're also making it sound like I don't understand work ethics or responsibility, so really, get off of your high horse.
sorry to say, but I wouldnt move on & think about the future until he shows he is repsonsible enough to hold a job and actually take responsibilities. 7 months? thats quite some time. I know we're in a recession, but there are always jobs hiring
LOL..
i think i'm the person in the relationship that is like that..but its cus i just moved back home LMAO