Tuesday, 18 August 2009
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How Can I Help Her Break The Cycle?
Between writing college English and sociology papers, working in self-employed make-up sales and managing my home, I somehow find the time to be the best shoulder ever to cry on. My best friend is constantly coming out of a horrible, abusive relationship. And try as I might to give her good advice, she can’t or won’t take it. She has a particularly long road ahead of her as she has a particularly bad road behind her. She was abused a child, both sexually and physically, by different caretakers in her life. She ended up in foster care and was soon adopted by a woman that worked within the system. This woman cared more about the image she portrayed to her coworkers and community than the care her foster children actually received. Therefore, my friend was emotionally abused often in this home. Being the oldest child in the home, over both foster children and the foster couple's own child, she took on a Cinderella type role in the house. Doing all of the work, being talked to like a dog, and being surpassed in care over the biological child in the family. However, unlike Cinderella, she was allowed to go out whenever, wherever, with whoever, wearing whatever. As long as she was out of their hair when they did not need an errand run, they did not care.
Her foster mother, by example, taught her to look down on anyone that was less than society’s ideal image of beauty or wealth. The result was a greater than thou complex that only destroys her in her search for a great boyfriend. She cannot be without a boyfriend, and she always picks the worst out of the bunch. She only goes for guys that have money, saying that she needs to have someone that can spoil her. Furthermore, the ones that she does date, all turn out to be losers. And not in the general sense of the idea, but controlling guys that physically and emotionally abuse her. Instead of running as fast as possible from them, she clings to them like the only refuge in the middle of a storm tossed sea. If they eventually break up with her, she tries as hard as she can to get back with them. I am always the one she comes to crying because they had a bad fight and she’s saying that she will give him a chance again, she loves him too much and just can’t give up on him.
I try my best to convince her to move on, but she can’t, she will go back to them several times. I really don’t know what the deciding factor is when she finally leaves them for good. I am really the only friend who has stayed with her through all of this; everyone else gave up long ago, calling her stupid and saying they can’t keep watching her hurt herself and it’s easier to walk away. But no amount of advice, no matter how many times she has been through the same thing, she keeps doing the same thing, over and over again. She will say she has learned her lesson and will not go through that again, for anything.
And then I start seeing the signs again; she never comes to see me, every time I call, either her latest jerk answers, or she doesn’t answer at all, and I never get a call back. We go for months without seeing each other because of this, because her abusive boyfriends always hate me and won’t let her have anything to do with me. After she gets out of a bad relationship, I tell her to get a different set of standards on which to go on. But it never works, soon she is always back to the same old thing. Her self-confidence is destroyed, and she feels that she can do no better. I feel that if she has a good experience, she will get out of the loop, but I don’t know how to get her out of this circle. She is doomed to repeat the same horrific cycle for the rest of her life.
Is her behavior because of the way she was treated as a child? I believe that to be so, I’ve seen it many times. But I still hold hope that there is a way to break the cycle. Has anyone else been through this? Through my perspective or hers? Does anyone know how to break this cycle?
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About the Author
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- From: maxxi2031@xanga
- About Me: "Hysteria is only possible with an audience"- Chuck Palahnuik. I am in love with love and all forms of artistic expression, whether it be painting, writing, or even fashion, but my passion in life is photography.
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Comments (35)
Two words: Counseling and Therapy. With the hell she's had to live through, that's all she knows, and thus that's all she's getting. Without professional help, I think she's unfortunately doomed to forever repeat the hell you've seen her go through over and over again.
@vashts6583@xanga - I agree. But aren't those costly?
Let's see if Duhiana wants to insult me this time. @vashts6583@xanga - Spot on.
Long, long abuse history, like this, can't be overcome with a simple shoulder to cry on. I was involved with a person once, who'd been abused for ONLY a couple years, in a relationship, and was, as far as I can tell, fucked up by it for LIFE. This long history of abuse absolutely needs professional help.
@vashts6583@xanga - I agree, and maxxi2031@xanga may also need some kind of counseling because you are so involved with the problem.
I agree with vashts6583, she needs counseling and therapy. And they can be costly. But, the way to break the cycle is not easy and that cycle has such a hold on her that I don't think she is going to be able to do it herself. Plus, she doesn't seem to have any personal motivation to do so at this point. That might change one day on it's own, but I think it's unlikely. Then again, I'm not a doctor.
But, also, you can't make her go into therapy and counseling, either. For something like that to truly work, a person has to willingly do it. Not do it because someone else thinks it's the best thing. Most of the time when someone feels like they were forced or had no choice but to go into therapy and counseling, it results in relapses later. They have to genuinely WANT to change.
I am sorry for what she's been through, that's way more than anyone should have to go through. And I'm sorry that you have to watch her suffer for it even today. But, the truth is, you can't really help someone who will not help themselves.
But, that doesn't mean you can't talk to her about the options she has. Unfortunately, the road to healing is probably not gonna be easy. Or cheap. Solutions aren't always easy. :/
Good luck to you and to her, too. I'm glad that, at least, she's had you that has stuck by her through everything. That shows a strong strength of character and patience on your part. :)
@vashts6583@xanga - @Duhiana@xanga - @xpialadocious@xanga - @Alatariel40@xanga - I have a similar story. See. I was used and sexually abused as a kid. My parents completely ignored me. They gave me all sorts of pills to shut me up. Pills that were illegal for children to have. I got hooked on them. I did see a therapist. It did not work. The therapist doesn't care about you. They just sit there and nod and do their job. They put me on even more pills. At 9 years old, I was a pill addict. It got so bad I tried to commit suicide by overdose. I was put into a psyciatric ward. They treat you like shit there. They really do. And when I came out. My parents just complained about the bill. She's not listening to her best friend. The one person who knows her better than herself. What makes you think she will listen to a therapist? Someone who doesn't know her at all? Trust me. I know about this. I have the same issue. I always fall for that one person. The one person I know just wants to manipulate me. I allow them to do it. I do whatever they tell me to do. Give them whatever they want. I say what they want me to say. I wear what they want me to wear. I think how they want me to think. And I be what they want me to be. I could be a protector. A lover. A way to get cash. I could just be a mindless person for them to bend to their will. My point is, I slowly changed on my own. I have a girl I love. She's not like the others at all. This girl, whoever her name is, will have to realize this on her own. Put her foot down and say "Get out" to whoever it is in her life that is hurting her. She has free will. She just needs to know it's there inside of her. After the ordeal I had, I talked to my girl, who was and has been my best friend for years. She asked me not to do harm to myself. "Why? I asked. "Because I love you." That's what this girl needs to hear. But she won't hear it unless she wants to. Right now, she doesn't want to. She's listening to what everyone is saying. But she can't hear the message.
@Sadistic_Empathy@xanga - Honestly, it just sounds like you got dealt bad hand after horrible hand. I have friends who have gone through therapy and counseling and have come out better because of it. Though it may not work 100% of the time (and you have to find a therapist who does care) it's probably the best option I can think of at the time.
@vashts6583@xanga - you have to be extremely careful when it comes to them. bad hand. life's what you make it. you can A). Choose to fall apart over that bad hand, and bet all you have left on the next one. B). toss the cards on the floor and take your fate into your own hands.
@vampyrette@xanga - Thanks. And counseling definitely won't work at the moment because she has no idea she has this problem. That makes it even harder.
Human psychology is an extremely difficult subject. I agree with the comment above about someone in this situation not being able to open up to a psychiatrist if they cant even open up to their best friend.
I have to give you a lot of credit for standing by her side with such an open mind. And I think if you continue to stand by her side, it will help her - although how much I dont know. People cant understand what they dont see. Unfortunately she doesnt see she has a mental/emotional problem, and it's hardly her fault.
The only thing I can think of that can possibly help her is relocation, or you finding a male confidant with as much patience as you have, that can basically hold her hand into a more developed relationship. She needs to experience a males presence that wont harm her, so she finally understands that there are other males out there that will actually take care of her rather than abuse her.
I'm no psychologist, and I've never known any males to be such cowards to do such things to women...but I dont think all hope is lost just yet. I wish you and her the very best.
@vashts6583@xanga - i definitely agree with this.
You can talk all you want, but sometimes things are out of your way to help.
@maxxi2031@xanga - Yeah, that does make it harder. Because, the first step to healing is to admit that there is a problem. :/ I know, I sound so cliche. But there is a purpose to that! You have to sincerely recognize that what's going on isn't good for you, or it doesn't work, ya know?
I hope that she eventually comes to understand it. Maybe, the best time to get this through to her is when she's decided (yet again) that she has "learned her lesson" even though you know through past experience she hasn't? At least then she is admitting that she at least HAD an issue. Otherwise there would've been no lesson to learn. It's at least a place to start, right? :/
Good luck!
@vashts6583@xanga-- word.
you don't have to have a problem to go to counseling. some people go to just have someone to talk to who can give an outside perspective, someone who can give them another point of view. or maybe suggest a new way to think about things. i saw a counselor for years and that's all we did; we talked about everything that was going on in my life and he asked me questions that helped me to find more constructive ways to make decisions. if your friend is enrolled in a college or university, most have free counseling centers on campus for students to go to.
@vashts6583@xanga - Definitely agreed.
@xpialadocious@xanga - LOL, i don't know whether or not to be worried if you're stalking me and just trying to get back at me for "insulting you" i really don't know if you're a guy or a girl, things would be less complex if there's an obvious picture. I thought it would be greater to classify you than a "he/she" . har har, are you taking my comment serious :P
& i just said you were being insensitive with your comment on datingish.
-__- now i feel insecure that whenever i post something, you're gonna comment going "OMG SHEZ INSULT ME" Geez, i wasn't serious
@Sadistic_Empathy@xanga - I think you gave REALLY great advice, i mean something real instead of a "nod or a shake of a head" like some therapists. but maybe it's because of your hard experience. I just want to ask, did your past "scar you for life"? I know someone who went through kinda like a similar ordeal, but hers wasn't as serious as the one that the original poster is talking about.
She's used to being treated like shit so she thinks that's what she deserves; its up to her to decide that she deserves better. Counselling and therapy helps for sure, and if she's a student its cheap!
@Duhiana@xanga - hey put on the brakes over there. When I read this post, you were the most recent commenter. If I'd read this eight minutes later, I probably wouldn't have even seen your comment and I would have gone on not thinking about you :)
@xpialadocious@xanga - i scan through comments, sue me, (; if you were really hurt by my playful insult, i'll be the bigger person and apologize, so I'm sorry if my "insult" were a little too far. next time i'll add a giant smiley face to indicate that I wasn't serious.
xanga needs a "female/male" label next to the username, confuses the hell out of me.
I'm flatter that you wouldn't think about me. I don't want online xanga users thinking about what a bitch I can be with my comments :D .
@Duhiana@xanga - did you get the "not thinking about you" part or are you just a drama queen? :)
@xpialadocious@xanga - *shrugs* i try to be mature about this and apologize, but if you're going to continue talking down on me, or trying to "get back at me" than I don't really need to explain myself, if you're just trying to pick a fight with me.
and i was playing it as a joke, and a drama queen? Where did you get that from?
anyways, I apologized, if you refuse to accept it, that's your choice.
@Duhiana@xanga - I've been trying and failing (apparently) to get out of this conversation ever since my "put on the brakes" comment but I think I'm not reading you right and you're not reading me right and it's just getting messier each round. No apology needed, I think. You were snarky with me first, apparently because I was snarky, and then I was snarky back to you. There's no getting back and no fight and no refusal, not on my end anyway, so I think we can stop playing this like it's the Cold War or something.
@xpialadocious@xanga - well, i felt i needed to apologize because it clearly seems that my comment made you uncomfortable, so i wanted no negative vibes in case you see my comment on some random post you come across with. I"m not arguing with you to try to win, I'm trying to explain myself and try to have some kind of uh.. peace treaty?
and i just happen to have a habit of commenting people who comments to me or about me.
I wasn't trying to call you out or anything, but yeah
thats just my way of explaining. sucks huh.
@xpialadocious@xanga - You just gotta stop talking already, she apologized and shes joking around. Stop with the comments and snide remarks about her when this shit is only about some little online blog. So what if she said something about you be the bigger person and shrug it off its not like you actually are pointing it out that you're a girl/guy are you? and besides it was fun and games take it easy ;)
@xfemblem@xanga - ah they'll stop. someone just wants the last word. lol
but i agree with everything. therapy is an absolute must.
maybe in addition to therapy you could introduce her to some decent men, just so she realizes there are good people in the world that can treat her the way she deserves?