Why is it so easy for people to put down and disrespect the ones they love, yet so hard for them to honor them, and tell them that they love them? I was talking to my boyfriend last night, when he pointed out to me that I often speak negatively to him. I don't say anything too terrible, just a little comment here and there when something happens. I'll call him stupid or an idiot - nothing much worse than that. But him bringing it up really made me think.
Growing up, my parents weren't that affectionate. They never said "I love you" very often, and a lot of their communication came through putting us down, joking or not. I grew up hearing that I was ugly and stupid, and although I knew that they didn't mean it, it planted a seed in the back of my mind that grew into insecurity as the years went on. I see it in my younger brother now, he probably caught the most reproach out of any of us since he had two older sisters on top of the not-so-supportive parents. Now I see in him a lonely, withdrawn, sometimes depressed teen, with a lot of suppressed anger and emotion -- which was me five or six years ago as well.
So it makes me wonder how we would have turned out had our parent been more loving. What would have happened if they had told me that I was beautiful or smart instead of belittling me. Would I have turned out better? More well adjusted? Luckily for me I'm strong-willed and strong-minded so I didn't go off the edge into a state of depression (though I had my moments), but I'm hoping that my brother has the same tenacity to at least survive his teen years.
Sitting there listening to my boyfriend talk about the things I say to him made me realize that I've unknowingly inherited my parents' communication methods, something I said I'd never do. The last thing I want to do is make anyone feel the way I did for most of my life. It's not something I want to pass on to my own children when they come along.
Another side-effect from all of this is the difficulty to articulate the way I feel about the man I love so much. In that same conversation he asked me why it was that I loved him, and although I knew exactly why and exactly how blessed I feel to have him in my life, I just couldn't get the words out the way I wanted to, and eventually gave up. It's frustrating. Why can't I just say it?
I've come to the conclusion that it's all a defense mechanism. In the back of my mind I really don't want to put myself all the way out there, or be so transparent. I don't want to tell him how I feel because once I do, there's no turning back. I put him down because it makes me feel like I'm in charge of the situation and of my feelings when it really isn't doing anything progressive or positive for either of us. And then the question is, why do I feel like I HAVE to be so guarded? Here I am with a guy that I KNOW loves me more than anything. I know that he wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt me, and I know how badly he wants me to just be comfortable and open up to him.
With all of that said, I resolve to do two things in this relationship:
1. Replace my negative vocabulary with that of loving and positive words
2. Try to break down my walls and fully let him in (though this one may take a bit longer)
-- c0laa
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Comments (24)
At least you have a handle on it. Most people go through their lives and never even realize what they are doing to themselves or the people they care about.
Hopefully your brother comes out a stronger person too. Good luck. (:
Well there is a saying that a kid can't survive w/o her mother's love.
Though I don't now this an actual true statement.
Idk every one of us to trying to find a way to love ourselves, and some (like me) are a bit too stubborn to try it and instead attempt to find a soulmate to love them back.
I'm not saying to love yourself only, but I'm also not saying love others only. But, yeah good stuff.
Mm positive reinforcement is always good, just make sure their super ego doesn't go through the roof, but yeah, everyone wants to be loved and told that they are loved every once in awhile.
Very deep.
You need to stop and think about what you're going to say to him before you say it. This way, you're replacing the negative vocabulary and breaking down the walls at the same time, without realizing it. Example: you want to say "stop being such a douchebag." Stop and think before you talk. Instead, say something along the lines of, "hey, that wasn't very nice. I'm trying to have respect for you." Or something like that, but whatever you say, try to throw a little positivity in there somewhere. Eventually, you'll stop being negative without thinking about it.
Kudos! I have a habit of doing this also. Until a friend of mine had to state (again) in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to do that with him and it was an eye opener. You're both right. Joking or not, it is still negative. Hope all goes well for you guys.
~bleujinx.
i do the exact same thing to my boyfriend.
my parents never tell me they love me,
and i can;t even remember the last time my dad hugged me,
or said something positive to me.
Ya, I had a different kind of upbringing. My dad's sense of humor was always pretty hateful. He called me snaggle tooth and called my sister's feet big floppers. My mom always laughed and said, "Girls what he really means is 'I love you'" and even though it hurt, eventually I realized that she was right. After I got braces and my teeth were straight he found other things to attack me about. And as a teenager whenever I walked downstairs looking especially cute he always said with a sneer, "You ain't cool", but through all of that I knew he was joking and that was his strange way of showing his love. Saying I wasn't cool was his way of saying no matter how hard I was trying to look good, I would always be his cute little girl.
So...
Guess what? That is my sense of humor too. And my significant other does not get it. He came from a family where his dad called him little buddy and would tell him how much he loved his son with tears in his eyes. Their humor was usually quoting Napoleon Dynamite or something equal to it. So I have had to cut out my negative sense of humor and replace it with what I really mean. It is very hard. I feel like if I say it with a laugh or say it in a funny voice he should get it, but hurtful words are hurtful words.
Very good post.
If you know he loves you and wont try to hurt you why not let him in completely. you do trust him right?
now as to your parents not being so affectionate. im right there with you but we have to make a concious choice and try to change that pattern. (=
Great job on trying to change your negative vocab!
Very, very good post!
I have a problem with expressing my emotion to someone that I really love. I'll have different (maybe even stupid) ways to show him that I really love him.
I don't call my bf names: stupid, idiot, but he did point out (recently) that I'm critical of him. it's not my intent of making him feel like I'm always evaluating him but i guess i do it without knowing... i like being clear; yes, no, and yes, even maybe, but i don't like wishy washy and ambiguous signals that i have to decode. so i suppose i comment on those things and he takes it as being critical.
and that i can be critical... that's part of my "charm" (people--friends, work associates, peers--seek me out for that element for various situations) and i have to figure out to be careful about that.
good post, it gave us all a chance to reflect and make some amends, eh?
ps: my parents are pretty strict but not so affectionate either. we joke about each other rather than really say: "i really care about you" or the basic "i love you". i hardly hug my parents and when we do, it's either out of being ill or prequel to a wrestling circumstance. i understand the whiplash effect of child raising in the way our parents chose to do so; "tough love" is not always the best way, i wish parents have to take child developmental psychology (in the future) to ensure such methods to be corrected.
this is a really wonderful post, one of the best i've seen on datingish.
my parents are not the "articulate your feelings" kind. it made me kind of stoic (which i appreciate at times), but in terms of relationships, we can learn what to do as well as what not to do by observing those around us. i'm glad you recognize that we can take down our defense mechanisms. good luck with everything.
Wow, were you raised in my household? SO similar. This post is exactly how my family is, you're more likely to be called retarded or stupid "as a joke," then be told you're loved. My 15 year old cousin is having a really rough time of it because my uncle keeps picking on her especially and she doesn't have the mental capacity to handle it.
The way my family behaves has me thinking about simply skipping Christmas this year, just staying away from them as much as I can... I've had the same issue with boyfriends too, but that's my fault because I tend to date guys that I shouldn't...
Just distance yourself from them, dont put their issues on yourself, be your own person... I think I'm different, not because I want to make a statement in society, but because I want to prove I'm not like THEM, my own family... Wow... Haha, you're amazing.
Yeah, my family is the same way. I think America hides behind sarcasm, and a lot of families have really taken it and ran with it. I first noticed it with my first boyfriend, who didn't appreciate both the way I spoke to him, and the self-deprecating manner in which I addressed myself. I've managed to bring it more under control.
My parents aren't very affectionate people either, especially my dad. The only time we ever exchanged "I love yous" as a family was with my brother when he left for Iraq. My parents were never negative towards my brother or me. Just not as affectionate. My friends would always end their conversations with their parents with I love yous. We never did. I don't feel we have to b/c we all know we love each other. My brother and I tell each other "I love you" when we talk though. I guess affection skipped a generation in our family.
When I was in a relationship a few years ago my bf and I told each other "I love you" and all that jazz. I guess everyone is different.
People usually say negative things to the ones they love because they dont want to get hurt. Love is a scary emotion for people because thats when they are at their most vulnerable state. So we hurt others to not get hurt ourselves. Just switch it up and try not to say a lot of negative things.
Good for you! I'm happy that you found a boyfriend who's stuck by you even tho you're a bit of a pessimist...and hopefully you will become better.
I grew up saying 'stupid', 'idiot' all the time but since college days, I've stopped. Even tho it's meant in a joking way, it still hurts deep down. Because no one would say you're 'stupid' if you just said something that was smart, right?
wow this was a perfect entry,summed up exactly what I realise all the time but can never truly fix.I have never heard the words "I love you" from my mother and the affection that is so common among most people and their families is less apparent in my life. So it's hard expressing my love for my bf and not just reverting to calling him "stupid" and feeling awkward truly opening up because it seems foreign and makes me feel vulnerable.
I am very guilty of the same thing. I don't right out insult them, but it's no different. I'm most guilty of using sarcasm and picking on people to keep myself from being vulnerable. I went through the same thing as a kid. My mother was barely around because she was busy working, my step father was an asshole all together, spent most of my childhood bein emotionally abused by him, and my real father was two thousand miles away. Stuff like that really does plant a seed for the that you'll live with for the rest of your life. You don't really know it because it becomes a part of you and defines who you are. So for me it all became a handicap for me, because it's hard for me to ever compliment someone, or show any emotions in front of another person. Life is what it is. It's not until recently that I noticed this trend. But it's a common thing...apparently lol.
My SO says the same thing about me having a wall up. I don't think it's exactly for the same reasons, but I'm working on breaking it down. Good luck!
I tend to use derisive humour...It's kind of bad but my friends know I'm kidding. It's probably a really bad thing that I'm extremely sarcastic.
I kinda do the insulting thing a lot to my boyfriend, but then I tell him I'm kidding. And that I love him. So I think he's ok with it, sorta. XP
this says my life all over it.
i'm like this to my boyf.
idk why i do it, but reading your blog definitely put things into perspective for me.
thanks xox
you go girl ^^
at least you know and youre trying to do something bout it!! :D
x
You deserve a round of applause for noticing your problem that you inherited from your parents.
I insult people only when I'm upset with them. And I believe that it truely is easier to hurt the people I love the most, especially when they hurt me in the slightest way.
My dad is the same as your parents: always insulting and belittling me. But my mother is always fakely happy about everything I do. It's not fair, because I know she's lying, and I know that my dad is being more than honest. It certainly gave me some self esteem issues that I'm not sure I'll ever get over.
From a lot of the other posts, it seems that a lot of people have the same problem, and that makes me feel a little better. I mean, not that other people are insecure, because that's horrible, but that we're not alone.
Anyways, great post!
Thanks a lot for the great comments guys, this has really encouraged me to keep writing, seeing that I have inspired people and put things into perspective. First ever post! Many more to come.
definitely agree with you. sooooo right.