Miss Walrus
While lying in bed with my beau last night, I got this really strange feeling. For a moment, I felt unbelievably comfortable laying there with him...and then, once I realized how absolutely amazing I felt snuggling up to Mr. We-Have-Not-Been-Dating-Very-Long's chest hair, I panicked. Seriously. I freaked out & had to use all my willpower not to push him off I swear that I could literally feel myself, for lack of a better term, "falling" for him - & because of some recent relationship issues, that really scared me. The funny thing is, I often go through this at the beginning of relationships; when I let myself just feel comfortable & enjoy it, the relationship usually works And then when I freak out about how comfortable I feel (or never start to feel comfortable at all)? Those are the ones that don't.
So, this got me thinking about something that many psychologists have pondered for a while: Do we choose to fall in love? Is love not so much about the stars aligning, but rather about making a CHOICE to let yourself feel deeply for another human being?
Obviously, many things contribute to our "choice" to fall in love: our attraction to the person, whether our life goals match, etc. etc. But I am starting to believe that in the end, we have to let ourselves love - we have to CHOOSE it.
Not like we sit there & consciously think, "I'm gonna fall in love with him," but that we instead do little things like let our kisses linger a little longer, or hug goodbye for an extra moment or two, or finally open up & have an honest convo about some weird thought we have floating around in our minds. I think that when we do those things we are choosing to fall for someone - whether conscious or not. What do you think? Is love a choice?
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Comments (46)
i have always wondered the same thing. i think you can make yourself fall in love with whoever you want to because it's mind over matter.
I think we choose to fall in love because we choose to invest time with the other person the more we like them.
You should read my blog "falling in love is like falling for make-believe"
Sometimes we choose to fall for people in the sense, you meet a person who fits your criteria for a SO, so you give them a chance and get to know them better. Other times it's just the butterflies from the start.
yeah i think you do choose who you fall in love with. because we're the one who choose the person, the things we do, the time invested and etc
hmmm this really is something to think about.
Interesting.
I never exactly thought about it...but yea I do kinda agree.
At some level I do think one chooses to allow themselves to fall in love.
i personally don't think we choose, because if we were given the choice, how many people would still be heartbroken?
i just fuck my gfs.
love is definitely a choice. both people have to work hard. a relationship only fails when one person chooses not to put in any more effort.
@dearFLOPPY@xanga - Agreed
@t_zie@xanga - haha wow.
and i think we do choose it sometimes. but i doubt its the same feeling as wen we dont choose it and it happens.
Very good question! I think it's both a bit of choosing and things just coming together.
I think there are choices involved, but to say that we choose to fall in love is too strong. It's more that the choices we make in how to behave, how to think, ultimately decide---along with simple chance---whether or not we will fall in love.
Yeah, but you already have to be at the point where you like them enough that it's a possibility.
You choose who you love, you allow yourself. Also after being in love, you can fall in love again. Maybe even more deeply. I hate when people break up and rant about how 'they were the only one for me, I'll neve find someone that I'll feel the same way about.' Grow up, and realize that YOU are the one who allows yourself to love someone. You can fall in love with anyone.
To the author by the way, I do that same thing. At the beginning of relationships, or even just crushes that we're 'dating' but not really (you know ;), I get that feeling of being very comfortable and get scared that it'll get deeper and then once it ends I'll be fucked up again. It's life, I'm not sure how to solve it so far, but at least you've had the feeling, right?
good luck.:]
For me at least it isn't. I've tried to let myself fall in love with someone and failed and I've been instead stuck on someone who it couldn't work out with.
It's very annoying actually.
that's a good point. I think we DO choose to fall in love by deciding to spend time and open up to that person. if things don't work out, we get over it and move on. so yes, i agree with you for the most part
I think love is a choice. You can choose to open your heart up to someone or push them away. I have had situations where I still fell for someone even thought I tried not to, so I wouldn't say it's completely logical.
agree..
mind over matter it is indeed..
maybe it's a bit sad when you're thinking too much..
no, I don't think you choose to fall in love. it just happens. because even if you're one who chooses what you do and how much time you spend with them, it's because you like them and you can't help it. and the liking them part is also something that just happens.
but that's just my viewpoint on it. because I can't force myself to stop liking a guy, and I know I didn't decide I wanted to like the guy and I did. it just happened!
I wish I knew the answer.
I would say yes... 100%. Love is a choice, a choice to cary out a certian lifestyle regardles of any other factor. You CHOOSE to physically be with that person, and to trust that person and to fawn over that person. I mean, at the most basic brain level functions, we CHOOSE to do whatever we do. Because lets face it, we NEVER do something we dont want to do. And when we find ourselfs doing something that is highly undesirable, its usually because the alternative outcome is worse. Life, for that matter is a consisitent set of choices that we make. We are not a product of our surroundings, but a product of your choice. Yes, we're deffinitely effected by the surroundings, but ultimately, our end result is our own damn fault... That all said -- being in love.. the relationship you have is all in response to the choices that you and your significant other make. Some people we find easier to love because of the things that surround the ideal of love... the attraction, the connection (emotional, mental, etc) ... but i mean, honestly, you choose to purse a period of your life with that person. So yes, love is 100% choice. Its all so reactive, we just dont realize that we're choosing!
And i dunno about anyone else, but it kinda sweetens the idea of love a bit to know that a person is actively choosing to be with me, rather than be with me because 'it just happens' or because of whatever else. I'd rather be someone's active choice rather than someone's serendipity
I think it's a choice to fall in love with someone. I mean, you choose to be with this person, you choose to do whatever you can to fall for them, so wouldn't it be possible that you're almost subconciously making yourself love them?
I like your perspective on choosing to fall in love. It's not that we sit there and decide whether to fall or not, but rather our choices cause a domino effect.
I think it's kinda both. It's kinda like "You cant help who you like" in a sense you can't, but you kinda can. Like if you like the person, then you go for it and go out of your way, but if don't want to, then you drift away from them.
So it's basically like that. If you love the person, then you'll become closer to them, but it's not like you sit down and think, "Should I fall in love with this person or not?" It kinda just happens if you let it.