Saturday, 15 August 2009
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Should I Try to Change His Ways?
So I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and half. We've always have fun and a lot of things in common. We have fun and we're able to be ourselves around each other. I just love being around him, he makes me happy and knows how to be there for me.
But in the sixth month of our relationship we started to fight a lot and I found a few interesting things about him. First, I noticed that he had looked at porn a couple of times. I didn't like it at all and really hurt me because I felt like I wasn't good enough. I asked him about it and he told me that "it was just funny to look at". So I passed it off and said okay. But then it happened again a couple of days ago. I found a download link to a file called "Kelly". I downloaded it to my computer and found it was a girl who was showing herself off to a camera with a friend. I asked him about it and he said he was supposed to make a animation of it because he was practicing making them. I was still upset so I hid it inside. I just don't know if I should believe him at all.
Then, I found him texting this girl named "Mandy". It said that if she was older she would date him, etc. Nothing too bad but I was still upset. I asked him about it and he told me he just likes to make people think things that aren't true. He's done this a couple of times in the past, which I thought would stop but it just keeps happening every few months. I told him that I was gaining trust in him again, I lost it because of the other times, and I told him this really upset me.
I really love this guy, and now we're supposed to move in together because my mom is moving and I need to leave. I don't want to sound like girls who stay with guys because there scared of what might happen but I don't know what I'd do with him. Kind of pathetic but it's true. We've had a really rough week and went through a lot throughout this whole relationship. I just don't want to make this a total waste of my time. And I don't know if he'll ever change.
Should I try to change his ways with girls or should I give up altogether?
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Comments (64)
OH MY GOD HE LOOKED AT PORN A COUPLE TIMES? NO WAYYYYY!!!!!!!111one
Good luck finding a guy that hasn't. Boo hoo. </3
Hmmm, the porn thing isn't so bad, most guys look at porn, I wouldn't worry about it... I'd only worry if their "porn" involved girls they actually knew (i.e. females sending them personal pictures/videos) because then it becomes less of a fantasy and more of a reality.
The texting sounds a bit shady, but it sounds like you don't trust him completely... so are you really ready to live with him? Moving in together can, and probably will, make things harder, so be prepared for fights if there's deeper issues in the relationship!
@silvermoon_lauwa@xanga - Haha, I'd say the same thing.
Change his ways? Seriously? Why some people actually believe that they might be able to change someone's ways? The only thing your'll be able to "change" is that he'll hide it better. Also how exactly you "found" that link? "Oh, I am just looking for something like home baked cookies recipies on his computer... Ooh, what's this?"
Porn is lesser evil than snooping in someone's files or stuff. But that's just my opinion. Of course in my opinion porn is not evil at all but that's another matter.
every guy looks at porn. it has nothing to do with you or your relationship. its just something they do. get over it.
if you don't trust him get rid of him, that simple.
Hahahaha porns are normal for guys :) So dont worry about it :)
As long as they do not get carried away and think of things like rape,
just make sure he doesnt gets addicted to it haha :)
For the text..I think that he should really draw a line :)
Try talking to him - I hope it works! :)
Way to go babeeeeeee! :)
"be the change you wish to see in this world" gandhi
unforunately, even if you change (assuming that if you change it'll help your relationship with your bf), i highly doubt he will though.
as for you changing it might just be... iono.... phoning him up everyday or giving him space or just accepting what he likes to do.
but honestly, i'd like to tell you to break up with him.
@e4st0n_5ynth3sis@xanga - yes sir! i agree with you ;)
let me see..okay, porn is straight. HOWEVER, he webchats with a female who does it..Say what??!?? better check yourself..
and texting...say, how'd he get the other girl's number? and why would she text him that if he didn't try to get at it? =) think honey! you deserve better.
You can't change someone, they've been like that since they were born. The porn thing is normal. Texting? And he just likes to make people think things that aren't true......??? Wouldn't you think that it's the same with you? If he'll lie to other people, he'll lie to you.
@silvermoon_lauwa@xanga - Agreed
"I asked him about it and he told me he just likes to make people think things that aren't true."
What makes you think he isn't doing that to you?
You really shouldn't try to change him. You probably can't, and it wouldn't make sense. It's just who he is, and it'd be stupid to try to change him to fit the kind of person you would want to be with.
I think if this really bothers you, you should probably end it with him. What he does may be normal, but if it's something that you don't like, then don't force yourself to just get over it and stay with him. You should be comfortable in a relationship.
What the hell does that mean??
he seems pretty shady with these girls he's texting. i'd peace out if i were you.
Porn isn't the issue. His statement that "...h
e just likes to make people think things that aren't true"is troublesome
.The texting thing is pretty shady. I'd probably be very wary. The fact that he isn't very forthright about things and you have to discover all these shady things is not a good sign.
Finally, I think you need to think about the way you want to be treated. It's a tough situation that you're in, but I think you need to find yourself before you get in any deeper with this guy. The fact that you're so dependent on him is not a very healthy situation.
Okay, I'll be honest--he isn't going to change. You should never date someone for who you want them to be--date them for who they are. Trying to change people is pretty much useless. They're the only ones who can decide whether to change or not. So...no. You shouldn't try to change his ways. Because you'll only be wasting your time.:-/
-Katie
Well, first. Any and every guy I have ever dated partakes in their fair share of porn. This really shouldn't bother you. Your guy probably thinks you're gorgeous, but men are visual creatures, and they like having different visuals. It's just how they are. Or how most are.
And if you've been with this guy for a year and a half, and he's still chatting with girls about that kind of stuff - is he really that committed? I don't know the whole situation. But, if I were with a guy who couldn't show that commitment after that long - I'd cut my losses. It's never easy. A break up never is. You always think you can't live without that person - but, news flash, you can. You did before, you will again.
@dulcify@xanga - I second that. So, you're okay with the fact that he's an illusionist? Otherwise known as a liar.
i don't see porn as a problem, but i can't tell you what doesn't or doesn't matter in your relationship. i think it may be an insecurity issue, though. if anything, this guy should be helping you get over that, not adding to your insecurity with his shady text buddies.
he just likes to make people think things that aren't true. =/ i think you just don't want to admit that he's a liar. you deserve better than a liar.
The texting part is the most shady thing a person can do. Confront him about it again and if he doesn't stop... Then I think you should look for a new roommate. You don't need to pass it off if he's just going to continue after you've told him more than once. Be strong. :)
Well, men do like to make people believe things that aren't true I find a lot. I think its because they never get believed or looked at deeply. They are expected to work and get lost in the crowd faster and easier than women. If they wear bright clothes, they are gay. If they feel something, they are emo. If you find them looking at porn, researching their own sexuality privately, you banish them from your own inner world. Men like to be inside the inner world of their Lady. It kind of makes sense when you look at our biological organs as well. They have a probing device. They want to probe your mind, you heart, your Soul, your body 'til they know everything. A lot of times young guys aren't tryin to reel you in and cast you out or fry you up. They are just living presently. The texting isn't cool. That means he isn't living in the present with you anymore. Maybe you did it. Maybe you whined too long or maybe your boring because you don't know yourself enough to be as interestin as you are. I'm writing you. I must be interested in what you have to say. I don't feel like your whining, but I'm kind of digging, aren't I? When he is texting, well, That's starting another relationship. He's moving to a future you can bet he is visualizing. He's play "Let's make a deal." He's thinking about trading you in. If if were me...when a man thinks, I me I get a hint he's thinking, about trading me in, I let him go hard. A relationship is tug of war. You got the end of a rope. You been pulling him. Let it go and let him fall on his ass. Don't knock porn or the people who make porn. I reccomend not watching porn of people who look tired of doing it, stressed out, or like a bad situation forced them to make money. They don't really want to be there. I'm not even go to try to think of a way to keep this boy and give my piece about that. I want you to drop him for your sanity, because I think this boy is messed up inside, not harmless, just maybe not aware of how dangerous he is to you psychologically. He shouldn't be talkin to a young girl that way. There is something stifling the maturity in this one psychologically that goes beyond my previous statements about young men needing to lie to "tell the truth" about themselves. (I'm not a scientologist, but one of the methods they use to bring out the truth in their, I think victums, is to have the newbie tell lies about their life. Read about it. I'm not saying swallow the pill, but that might make my statements about lying and young men more clear.)
I think woman have to accept porn from their bfs but I think the texting goes to far. He may cheat on you.
what the hell. why are you still with this kid who only makes excuses?
but honestly, that porn thing isn't that bad. but its the fact that he's giving you stupid excuses.
just talk to him about it, voice out your opinion... guys don't like to be forced into changes, so let him come to term, let him determine whether he should change or not, let him determine how he should change (we tend to like freedom)... if he decides to change, congratulations, but if he decides not to, then what can you do, no one is perfect, so it's really your choice to decide which flaws you're willing to accept and which you're not... if there's something you're unwilling to accept (no matter how little it may be), then you have that option to leave...
You can't change anybody, just yourself.
I'm ok with my guy looking at porn, but texting other girls in that manner is where I draw the line. I say let him go.