Tuesday, 11 August 2009

• Friends of The Opposite Sex - What's Okay And What Isn't

  Note: For the sake of avoiding annoying pronoun confusion, I'm going to write this as if it's about a straight male, his long-term girlfriend, and his female friends.  Feel free to change it to girl/boyfriend/guy friends, girl/girlfriend/gal friends, husband/wife/female friends, guy/boyfriend/guy friends, etc.--the principle is the same.--

  
  

  Don't take the pic too seriously, it's mostly tongue-in-cheek. 
  
  

  When you're single, you might have a wide variety of opposite sex friends, ranging from the purely platonic "she's like my sister" friend to the infamous "friend with benefits".  Once you're in a serious, committed relationship though, I believe that the nature of your opposite-sex friendships should also change.  This is how I view some of the more common opposite-sex relationships.
  
  Acceptable - The underlining theme in acceptable opposite-sex friendships is that your girlfriend is positively involved to some extent, and there are no romantic feelings (requited or otherwise) between you and the friend in question. 
  
  1.  The mutual friend.  This girl either was already friends with both you and your girlfriend before you started dating, or became friends with both of you.  In any case, she is as close or nearly as close to your girlfriend as she is to you. 
  
  2a.  The friendly acquaintance, version 1.  You've introduced her to your girlfriend, and they get along pretty well even if they didn't really click enough to become friends.   
  
  2b.  The friendly acquaintance, version 2.  Due to circumstances out of your control (e.g. LDRs), this girl has never actually met your girlfriend face to face.  However, they both know a lot about each other (thanks to conversations they each have with you, hint hint) and have no objections.
  
  Borderline --These are usually relationships in the midst of transitioning into acceptable or unacceptable friendships.  They're a little discomfiting to your girlfriend, but not so much that you can't work on them to make them acceptable; however, they will probably slide into the unacceptable category if you don't address any problems early on.
  
  1.  She's got a crush on you.  You look at her as a sister and couldn't imagine ever seeing her otherwise, but she has a little bit of a crush on you and it shows.  If you lead her on, this could easily become a real issue for you and your girlfriend.  However, if you make it super clear that your girlfriend is here to stay, hopefully you can nip this crush in the bud and go back to an easy platonic friendship.
  
  2a.  The ex --from a friendly, mutual breakup.  You tried dating but it didn't work, so you both agreed to go back to just friends with no lingering feelings on either of your parts.  Your girlfriend's uncomfortable at first because it's your ex, but introduce them and make sure they know about their respective roles in your life.  If they hit it off, you're all set; even if they don't, you should be able to bring this to friendly acquaintance level without too much trouble.  
  
  2b.  The ex --that you dumped.  You like her enough as a person that you wanted to stay friends even after you ended things romantically, but she still wants you back.  I'd back off on this one --no need to cut ties altogether, but definitely avoid the long midnight chats and hanging out with just the two of you.  When/if the ex gets over you and accepts your girlfriend's place in your life, you can try to start over as friends.
  
  Unacceptable --The main thing here is that your girlfriend isn't involved in any of these friendships, unless it's in a negative manner.  Maintaining these relationships is incredibly disrespectful to your girlfriend.  Some can be salvaged into more acceptable friendships, but others just need to be dropped.
  
  1.  The ex --that you want back.  This really should be obvious, so I'll be brief --if you still want her back, you shouldn't even be with your current girlfriend.  End of story.
  
  2a.  Girlfriend?  What girlfriend?  Every close friend you have, regardless of gender, should know that you have a girlfriend.  You don't have to blather on and on about it or swear off singular pronouns for the rest of your life, but friends generally know the important parts of your life.  Your girlfriend is presumably an important part of your life, so why does this friend not know that she exists?  Fortunately, this is easily remedied. 
  
  2b.  Gal pal?  What gal pal?  Conversely, your friends are presumably an important part of your life as well, so your girlfriend should at least vaguely know about all of your friends even if she doesn't become buddies with them.  Friends that you deliberately hide from your girlfriend are rather suspicious --why are you hiding them?  Again, this is an easy one to fix.
  
  3.  She doesn't like your girlfriend ...and makes no attempt to get along with her.  If you're serious about your girlfriend, you should be willing to defend her, even/especially to your friends.  True, your significant other should never force you to choose between her or your friends --but your true friends will never force you to make that choice either, and that's what this gal pal is doing.  You can work on this for awhile, but at some point, you're going to have to put your girlfriend's feelings before this girl.
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  To sum up, the most important thing is that your SO and your friends know about and get along with each other.  I don't want you to think that you should bring a list of all your friends for your girlfriend to check off/approve, since that would be too controlling and definitely unhealthy.  Instead, most of your friends should ease into the acceptable category quite naturally when you're serious about someone; if they don't, maybe it's time to rethink either your friendships or your relationship.
  
  What do you think about opposite-sex friends?  Do you agree or disagree?
  

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