Tuesday, 11 August 2009
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In Love and In Death
My step-grandfather passed away at 9:45 Sunday morning. It's the first time someone that has made in a difference in my life has passed away and I can already tell that I'm going to miss him. For to everyone else he may have been somebody, but to me and my family he was the world. I know a lot of people who are going to cry at this funeral and one of them is going to be me. I never had the chance to cry at a funeral but no matter how hard I try to hold it back it won't work this time.
What really makes me want to cry is putting myself in my grandma's shoes. To love something that death can touch. They're there in your heart but yet they are not there. You miss them and you long to be with them but you can't because they're in heaven. You'll never get to hold their hand, hear their voice, or spend precious moments with them again. My grandma thought she had another year to spend with him when really all she had was a few weeks. He even said he wasn't ready to go but in the end he didn't have a choice.
And whenever I put myself in her shoes, I figure it's not something I have to exactly do, for in a way, I am in her shoes. I love one special guy with all my mind and soul but no matter what words I say or things I do he won't be with me. We're both going to the same city for colleges but not the same one so I won't ever see him. Leaving this town will be one of the best things for me and yet one of the worst. I'll be able to finally live my life and have the life that I never got to have. Yet, I will become depressed because I will never get to hear his laugh, see his beautiful brown eyes, or even just be close to him. Everything I love and everything I know will be taken away from me in just one day. I will cry often for I miss him and no matter how I long to see him I will not. That's just the way it is. I don't have a choice. I never had a choice.
Even if it was the same scenario as my grandma's, I wouldn't be able to function with the loss of my loved one. I would lay in bed all day crying, or if not doing that, spend my time at his grave talking to him. My family would probably take me a to a psychologist after a period of time because I'm not getting any better. Well, what would they expect? The love of my life, my every hope and dream, isn't there anymore. Everything I fell in love with and fought for was lost and I can't bring him back no matter how hard I try. What did they expect? For me to be off and dating a new guy the moment I get the chance to do so? I really don't think I would ever date another guy unless in some way Skylar let me know that I should do so. That he doesn't want me to be alone for the rest of my life. That he sees my suffering and that he wants me to be happy even though he is gone.
It's just so sad to love someone that death can touch.
To miss someone and never get over missing them.
Just wishing they were there next to you. Holding you.
How I wish I could have him next to me and holding me.
Oh, how I wish.
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Comments (16)
No matter what anyone says, everyone has the same fate. We are all going to die. I don't have any religion at all. This will sound lame, stupid, cheesy. But I know this person will always protect you. And even if they aren't there in body, they still live. They are in your heart, and they will never leave your mind. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. This person does not want you to lay in bed all day. Live a strong, full life. By doing that, you keep them alive.
That thought scares me, that those who care about me, and those for whom I care, are at any given point within arms reach of the grave. Though I have yet to get there, I want to live every minute with those people as if they are the last I will ever have. I don't want to be at a funeral some day hating myself because I never told him/her how much they truly meant to me, and how grateful I was to have been in their presence.
As for the guy situation, I'm sure there's someone even better at your new school. Someone who may not be exactly what you want, but will have something you seem to be lacking: a reciprocated desire to be with and protect you. :þ Best of luck in your new school, and I hope you can overcome what fears you may have.
It's sad that he died, but if they really loved each other then I can't feel sorry for her because she was able to find true love and happiness in this lifetime, and that in itself is the greatest blessing of all. She has a beautiful family, husband who loved her, loving children and grandchildren; I think that's a pretty great life.
I am sorry for your loss. I think we all have some kind of fears like this. I actually am forced to think about things like this all the time. My husband has been in the Navy for 10 months and he hasn't yet been on a deployment, but I know that I will be terrified to not hear from him while he's away. That really is my biggest fear - that he won't come home or I will lose my children. Both are huge fears of mine. I don't know what I would do, but I know we all find some way to cope, even if it takes some of us longer than others.
sorry for your loss, but everyone has to die sometime.
The greatest fear is not in dying itself, but to see your loved ones dying.
I guess it's understandable just how painful it is to lose someone but we all know death is a natural and expected. Maybe not scheduled, but it will happen.
That lingering fear you won't ever see your loved one, is sometimes more heartbreaking than they to actually leave this world.
I hope you will get over it and live your life. Your grandfather won't want you to be unhappy for the rest of your life over his passing.
I'm so scared for your grandmother on what she must be going through. My great grandfather, after my great grandmother dying, fell depressed and couldn't function. He would stay couped up in their bedroom and just lay with her clothes over him. It was absolutely heartbreaking for me to hear about it. He passed away exactly 2 months after she died. Please, be with your grandmother and help her through the hard times. She's going to need all your love in order to get through something like that.
I'm deeply sorry for your loss and I can sympathize with what you're going through. My boyfriend will be going off for his masters sometime next year and will be gone for 5 years. It'll be a long time, but in the end we'll both be in better places in our lives. And, with the amount of technology that are at our fingertips, staying close is easier now than ever before. I know it won't be the same, but it'll tie you over until you can be in his arms again.
I'm really sorry for your loss. We must all cope with a love one dying at some point in our lives.
I'm sorry for your family's loss.
From reading your post, I think that your pain runs deeper then you are letting on. It wouldn't be a bad idea to see a psychologist now, you can walk through your grandfathers death, and learn some coping strategies for future loss. Don't be dragged down by life, learn from it.
My deepest condolences for you and your family. I simply couldn't imagine losing a partner so suddenly. I can't even describe how devastated I would be if I lost my boyfriend.
sorry for your lost :(
First of all my condolences go out of you and your family. I too have lost a loved one, first my grandpa and then my grandma. It was a tragic lost all within 2 years. I had a greater impact with my grandmas death because I was more attached to her. I think I was grieving at that time for both of them. I was lucky to spend a lot of time with my grandma during the time my grandpa passed away. She really wasn't the same without him but she was being a strong lady. I think she had a great relationship with God at this time and had accepted the fact that she wasn't scared of death anymore. Anyways I still cry sometimes when I'm alone but I always remember the good times. I even made a DVD about her life. Its just my way of getting through this. If you need support keep writing and talk about your feelings. OH and you should take this time to get closer to your grandmother talk to her and watch tv together or listen to music. Go out to lunch and take pics. Do everything you enjoy doing with your grandma. One thing I regret doing was not recording her voice. I seriously miss her voice. Well I'm here if you need someone to listen.
I am so sorry. That must be unimaginably heartbreaking.
I resonate deeply with what you said. "It's just so sad to love someone that death can touch."
My husband and I are still young and healthy and I still think about that frequently. People say, "Our love will last forever." I can believe that. I want to. I believe in eternity, in Heaven, in a God who wants to take as many people there as He possibly can... and yet, for now, for life as we know it, it frightens me to think that love is only as strong as life itself. And life is incredibly fragile. Our relationship and our love could be the strongest in the world, but a car accident or something else could take him tomorrow and there isn't a thing I can do about it. Pray I do, but I know that doesn't guarantee anything. I don't ever think I could get over him. We both say that we hope we die around the same time so we can be together. We really hope not to have a gap where one of us feels alone for a long time before being reunited. However, these things cannot ethically be planned for and so we'll just hope for the best.
Death Cab for Cutie's sweet, quiet song "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" has made me cry on separate occasions because of all this.
It isn't a bad idea to talk to someone about this, so I hope you don't feel too annoyed if someone does try to hook you up with a psychologist. This is a really hard time for you. There are a lot of places where you and/or your grandma can get counseling, maybe even for free. There's no shame in asking for a listening ear. They won't try to make you "get over" anyone, just listen to you and at most make suggestions on what you can do to help live with this huge hole torn in your life.
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