Miss Walrus
If there's one thing I absolutely positively refuse to give up (or even slightly sacrifice) in a relationship, it's my friend time. I love my friends. I've been through way too many bad breakups to underestimate the healing power of a good male-bashing, wine-drinking, He's Just Not That Into You-watching night with girlfriends.
Apparently though, not everyone thinks so.
A couple that I hang around - and have for the last six years - made a comment a couple days ago that literally blew my mind. The couple is two women - one who is 23, the other who is 28 - who have lived together for about four years.
All of us were gathered at said couple's house discussing a potential get-together complete with margaritas, festive sombreros & possibly even a pinata for the week ahead. Exciting? No doubt.
Then, older of my two friends looked at the rest of us younger, single girls & asked, "Seriously? Don't you guys ever think it's gonna be time for you to get serious & stop seeing your friends so much?"
And I think my jaw literally dropped.
What did she mean? Obviously, since she is & has been in a committed relationship for years, the idea of "settling down" doesn't seem too out of the ordinary. But for me - in the time of my life I like to call my "prime" - the mere thought of seeing my friends less felt worse than when I learned they killed off Marissa on the O.C.
Even so, I think back to when I was younger & my parents were first married. They still have friends. People still came over for dinner on the weekends, my parents still polished off bottles of Jack with their college buddies when time permitted. Do you ever really need to STOP seeing your friends just because you're in a relationship? If so, why in the world would you even want to?
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Comments (30)
No, is depends what you do with them though.
@hiiiilaura@xanga - I agree.
Hm... I've been in relationships where I'd cease to see my friends cuz I'd be hanging out with my SO so often. Then when we'd break up, I'd come running back to my friends and they'd always accept me back. I will never take for granted my friends again and will not give up time on them ever again.
I agree with @hiiiilaura@xanga. If you do bad habits with them, then yeah. But if you have healthy friendships, then there's no need to cut them out just because you're in a relationship.
In my case, my SO's and my closest friends are pretty much same people, so it wouldn't make sense to cut them out.
I do not think you should stop seeing your friends when you are in a relationship. I live with my boyfriend and still Certainly spend time with my friends, my boyfriend is older then me and does not try to stop me being around my friends, so it's not even my age. I think it is a silly and Moronic thing to take ones friends for granted even If you are in a relationship, however amazing that relationship may be. Yes you will spend More time with your SO, you should Never ignore those that care about you.
It's not so much that you stop seeing friends, it's that your SO takes up the time you used to share exclusively with friends. At least, that's how it goes for me. But I don't avoid friends by any means.
I definitely don't think you need to stop seeing friends as you get older or when you are in a relationship (the title and the post seem to be asking diff questions, by the way).
Regarding how often you see friends as you age --I do think that as people become more mature, they are capable of maintaining friendships even when they don't see each other that often. For example, in elementary school, it's difficult to stay friends with someone if you don't see them often, every day or every week. However, when you're older, you can maintain close friendships with people even if you only see them a few times a year. However, I don't think it should be a conscious "Ok, I have to stop seeing you guys so often now" type of decision; normally,it just happens because everyone is busier.
Regarding friend time in a relationship, I think it is also natural for friend time to decrease a little, simply because you're splitting your time between more people. Again though, I don't think it should be a conscious decision to see your friends less just because you're in a relationship. Friends are still important even when you have a SO.
"the mere thought of seeing my friends less felt worse than when I learned they killed off Marissa on the O.C."
That bad, huh?
I might stop seeing my friends if they dressed like that! jk. Seriously, though, you should try to keep some friendships afloat, cause if something happens in the relationship, you will be all alone.
I have a friend who got married literally two days before I did, so we've both been married the same amount of time. I have not seen her since my own wedding (she was a bridesmaid.) It's been made clear that she won't be seeing me again (at least if her husband has anything to say about it. And no, I still don't know what I did to piss her or her husband off, but that's neither here not there.) As far as I'm concerned, any time a relationship interferes with your friendships, it's a toxic relationship. My husband and I both have our separate friend times. I have no problem with him going out with his friends, and he has no problem with me going out with mine. We also hang out with friends as a couple. Bottom line: we've never sacrificed friendships for each other, because we know how important they are. We'll incorporate them into our relationship, but never sacrifice them. It has nothing to do with settling down or getting older. You never get too old or too settled to hang with your friends. And if you find yourself at that point, then there's probably something wrong.
But that's just my opinion.
-Katie
Only if your friend ends up being a negative force in your relationships. If there is no problem, then you shouldn't have to sacrifice that.
I wouldn't mind sacrificing friend time, but I don't sacrifice my friends, especially my two best ones.
I think they just mean spending less time with their friends because some people are so close with their friends.
I don't ever avoid friends, even if I were in a relationship. If my SO and I hung out like everyday, I'd try to have a few days just for my friends... or my SO AND my friends.
No way jose! Lol
I need my friend time as well! We all do!
Friendships are a healthy part of life. Duh.
Everyone still needs to spend time with their friends on occasion, regardless of their relationship status. Its always good to have people to talk to, to do things your SO doesn't enjoy doing with you, all that jazz. Just because you're in a relationship or ready to "settle down" doesn't mean you can't still go shopping or catch a movie with your friends in your free time.
Jeez, my mom is pushing 50 and she still takes the occasional long weekend to stay at her friend's house out-of-state so they can catch up!for me - i used to hang out w| my friends 24/7. since i got a boyfriend, i started hanging out w| him instead of them. eventaully, my friends & i stopped hanging out & since i didnt have them to hang out with, all of my time went to my SO. i dont like that i dont hang out with my friends (not that i have any anymore) but, its been for the better. for me anyway.
erm what?! no way. as you grow older, it doesn't mean that you stop seeing your friends. just because you're gonna be married/have kids, you can still make time for friends.
o__O this concept is very strange to me.
this must be one of the 5 most preposterous things i've ever heard on datingish. but it does seem like far too many people start to ditch that's friends when they get into relationships. that's why i only make friends with singles =)
i might be more inclined to believe that you should stop seeing your friends as frequently when you start having kids, though.
maybe it's just me, but i'm the kinda girl who encourages a SO to spend time with just his friends. i fully intend on continuing to attend every saturday brunch and plan girls' night w/ my friends when i'm married, like we have been since our sophomore year of college. it may be a little SATC cliche, but it's our tradition, whether we're single, taken, or married, and i love it.
I dont think you should give up friends if your in a relationship.
BUT, i think you need to balance out "Friend time" and "Gf/Bf time."
I dont think its healthy to stop hanging out with friends because of a relationship. U need that time with them and also need the space from time to time. I have friends that are a few years younger than me and I still talk to them. Thats just who I am. Age doesnt matter. But if I were to go to a bar and they couldnt get in then I would have to be careful.
Less after marriage but not completely out of sight.
idk. my best friend is "nearly engaged" and i asked her how come she never seems to want to hang as much and she keeps just saying she's "growing up" and mostly enjoys "things alone with him." idk. i love my bf too, but i hope i dont become an apathetic asshole to my best friends.