Sunday, 09 August 2009
-
I Thought Relationships Were About Compromise
My boyfriend of almost 8 months has an eyeliner/eye makeup fetish. He absolutely loves it and he thinks it's one of the most attractive things any girl could possibly do. Just throw on black eyeliner and black eyeshadow and you're GREAT to go.Well, I've seriously been lacking...he'd asked me many times previously to wear it and I did on a few special occasions, like his birthday. But I didn't wear as much and I didn't wear it as dark as I knew he would have liked. And he told me that if I did it for his birthday, he'd do what I wanted for my birthday.
And he already knew about my beard obsession before meeting me so.. that's out of the question. He grew a beard to attract me, haha.
So, tonight I called him and I told him that I would wear the constant eye makeup that he liked if, in return, he dressed in a way that is absolutely...beautiful to me. He asked me what he could do and my heart just kept lifting itself up and after I quickly described the style he told me "absolutely not" without the slightest hint of hesitation in his voice.
Needless to say, I was/am pissed and he kept trying to bribe me with expensive dinners and nights out, instead of doing that for my birthday.
And a few months ago, he was the one preaching to me about how "couples need to make compromises to work out" and how he "would never say no to something that would make our relationship stronger."
I think heavy makeup is equal to form-fitting pants (not skin tight!) and a few colored v-necks.
So, are relationships about making compromises or not?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: wantneedhave@xanga
- About Me: I'm Kayle, I'll accept any adds, just request me and join me on my long trek to be that perfect thin. :) "Your only as tall as your heart will let you be, and your only as small as the world will make you seem."
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 2579 Comments: 0 61 View all posts by wantneedhave@xanga
Comments (43)
Take a little, Give a little.
If he wants you to wear heavy dark makeup, then he should also do what you want him to wear.
but then again.. if you try to change a person to someone you want them to be it might just turn out bad.....
I agree it should be give and take, but coloured v-necks? No wonder he said no!
Err, yes, but these kinds of compromises are so surface-level, it's more like negotiating for the value of your end of the deal more than compromising to reach mutual consent for the sake of the relationship.
I wear fitted jeans and colored v-necks..... Hi, I'm Tim
LOL is that all you wanted him to wear? That seems like a good compromise to me.
To me they are. Like givemecoke mentioned. It's all give and take. It's not entirely about what you want anymore but about what your partner wants to. Sometimes you'll have to do something you may not like because they like and sometimes they'll have to do something you like that they may not. As long as it's reasonable, relationships involve making compromises.
I thought relationship are about being yourself and cherish each other
Hmmmm compromise is a strong 1\4 of relationships. To have a strong relationship you need the following:
1) All mutual of course
2) Luck. Circumstances fuck things up often.
3) Understanding/acceptance.
4) Compromising
Screw anyone one of these up and your relationship will bit the DUUUUUST! Sooner or later :p
Weird. I think he isn't being fair and has some kind of double standard going on, and that he is in fact being downright silly, but I agree with Meowmeowkimmaee in that this kind of thing isn't usually the stuff of which great relationship compromises are made. It may be selfish of him to promote "compromises" when he wants you to wear what he wants and then forget all about it when it's his turn. I'd write it off as immaturity on his part, but maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing.
And acceptance of the person the way he/she is already is an important component of any relationship.At least appearances are very important to both of you.
If you're gonna wear the stuff he likes, do it with all your heart when you do and maybe he'll be more amicable. But part of me would just want to tell him, "Oh, well, I guess you didn't want me to wear heavy eye makeup THAT much after all." (I mean, is it hard for him to go shopping? You just want him to do it for one day, right? Doesn't seem so bad. I'd dress like anything for just one day to make my guy happy. Especially in the privacy of my own home.)
Ideally, in relationships both people ought to be trying to make each other happy and compromising because they love each other, and not using the "compromise" word as leverage to manipulate the other person into doing what they want.
He shouldnt make you wear make up and you shouldnt make him wear clothes that he doesnt usually wear. Seriously you two should love each other for the way you look no matter what. I mean yea if my boyfriend thought a certain shirt or something looked especially good on me and complimented me on it then I'd probably wear it when I went out with him, but only cuz I wanted to and like that shirt aswell, not cuz he begged me to wear something I normally wouldnt.
Yeah relationships are about compromise but on a much deeper level then you two are on. Your "compromises" sound very shallow. Relationships are based on trying to make each other happy at all times BECAUSE YOU WANT TO, not cuz the other person begs you to do something so you finally give in and do it. For example, my boyfriend always wants me to rub his back cuz his back problems cause it to hurt a lot. I dont always feel like doing it, but it makes my boyfriend happy AND feel better. So even though I wasnt super thrilled about doing it at first, in the end it made ME happy just to know that I made my boyfriend happy. And it goes like that vice versa.
Most compromises go a lot deeper than that too. If you're having trouble compromising on meaningless stuff like this I wouldnt say your future is too promising.
Yall's problem is quite... funny. It's only about one's style and physical appearance, so I'd say even if he doesn't compromise, it's not a big deal (style is how one expresses him/ herself) and you shouldn't have to wear heavy make up if you don't want to.
But when it comes to more serious issues, compromise is key.
It's often difficult when it comes to compromise in a relationship. What I mean is, the notion is right, but just, who to start? One might argue that it's your duty to treat me well and the other will claim "why don't you start being nicer to me first?"
Arguments like these just never ends...and they're pointless, really. Love is, about compromise but instead of trying to be a critic of how inadequate your partner's love for you is, why not, love him unconditionally so that, after he sees you doing that, will do the same for you?
It's a difficult thing, many couples couldn't and would get over that, all humans are self-loving, that's why there's so much disagreements between relationships. Nevertheless we all have to learn...
i
@silverlocket_88@xanga - Yeah, that's what I thought.
Any other time I would agree... but a v-neck? did you ask him to cut off his balls and let you keep them in a vile around your belt too?
Thats like asking a skater to wear a tux around when you all hang out with your friends. Crazy emasculating to let your girl dress you like the guys she secretly finds more attractive than you.
""But I didn't wear as much and I didn't wear it as dark as I knew he would have liked""
Seems you already cheated before he had a chance to welch on his side of the bargain.
compromise only takes a backseat to collaboration (where you work together to find a new, better outcome). in this situation, however, i don't see where collaboration could work, unless you both found new things to try that you both mutually like. hrmm...
I couldn't wear fitted pants. I'd never be able to get the legs over my calves when I need to put on my riding boots. And I prefer buttondown tshirts. But on the subject at hand, there's an amount of comprimise, a lot of onesided decisions, and lines that some people aren't willing to cross in a relationship. You were just so lucky as to stumble upon them all at the same time.
Scarlett Johansson's eyes look crazy in that picture.
:|
So he would only have to wear the outfit for your birthday and every now and then? I don't see the problem.
Yes. Compromise should be a part of any healthy relationship. Sadly, that's not always the case. One person tends to get their way more than the other in most cases. This leads to resentment, dissatisfaction and just plain old bad feelings. You eventually get tired of being the one to make all the concessions, and give up. The only choice you're left with is to live with everything somebody else's way or leave.
ugh form fitting pants and colorful v-necks. i understand why he said absolutely not. anything that makes a straight guy look gay is not cool.
on the other hand. eyeliner is AWESOME. why wouldn't you want to wear it?
Compromise is about working together, but if you look up the definitions of the word, it also means "a concession to something derogatory or prejudicial" -- sort of to undermine your relationship. Honestly, I don't think him asking you to wear make-up if you don't want to is selfish of him. You asking him to change his entire wardrobe is outrageous.
If, for special occasions, you'll go out of your way to wear the make-up he wants to see you wear, then he should be willing to do the favor for you. But for either of you to change so drastically on an every day basis just to make the other happy is silly. That's not compromise, that's lying to yourself about who you are and who you're comfortable being.
man...whenever I have a girlfriend, she's always about dressing me up the way she likes me.
But I oblige.. it's no big deal.
Even form fitting pants and v-necks. no problem.shit. heavy makeup and those clothes....No big deal.Tell him to grow some balls and dress like a man!Any day of the week!
If he only has to wear the outfit once and you only have to wear the makeup once (or a few times for either on special occasions) then I don't see a problem if you both agree to do it. If you feel awful with the super dark make-up on and he feels awful in the tight pants and you both agree to let those go that's fine. But he can't insist that you wear makeup your uncomfortable with if he won't wear the pants. If he wants a girl that wears dark eye make up all the time so badly then maybe it's time to find a girl that does that. Neither of you should have to change your style full time to please the other, you should wear what makes you happy.
@Kyren_SkyRyder@xanga - Agreed.
you give, you take. it's really not that hard.
um, are you actually turned on by guys wearing form-fitting pants and colored v-necks? because it sounds like you just told him you wanted him to do something that he wouldn't really want to do just because you wanted a sense of control. he seems to like the makeup a lot (you describe it as his fetish, which is thus a psychological need, to some extent) whereas you've been doing just fine until now without him wearing the funky clothes, so it can't be such a big deal for you, or you would have (i think) mentioned it earlier, as he did with the makeup.
anyway, unless you're allergic to eye makeup or have some kind of odd revulsion to it for personal reasons, i don't see why it's a big deal for you to pick up some cheap stuff at the store and wear it occasionally. buying clothes is a big deal, especially if it's clothes that you don't ordinarily wear, and would only wear because one person wanted you to. it sounds to me like this is more of a case of who can get the other one to do something just because, and if you're always going to be involved in this sort of power struggle, things aren't gonna go very far between you.