The English class mentality dictates that when it comes to unsavoury feelings and emotions we should bottle them up, lie back and think of England to use an old phrase. And to a degree, my upbringing has dictated this is how I comprehend stress and negative emotions.
When faced or having experienced a day like today which had no real positive outcomes I won't try and comprehend how to make tomorrow a better day; instead I'll force it to the back of my mind and essentially, let it fester there. Perhaps this is a masculine characteristic? We don't, as a generalization, confront the reason for our anxiety, well perhaps in this country anyway. Instead we turn the other cheek but that negativity is still there.
I am to an extent a pressure cooker; that pressure is there within me and just continues to grow and build up. This contrasts to my girlfriend and the point of this post. She handles a similar situation in quite a different way. Be it experience or just how bad life can be, she has a very short tolerance for negativity on behalf of others, the slightest nudge and she'll begin to boil over. Of course this is almost a self fulfilling problem and as she vents off so others around her will react differently, increasing the problem and she'll continue to boil over. In essence, she is the kettle, filled not with boiling water but awash with negative feelings that boils until it's empty then starts again. In a country where, traditionally, we are characterized to repress our feelings and emotions, so two entirely different ways have been developed over time in us at least to deal with these said feelings. Neither of which directly confronts what caused these feelings in the first place.
I wouldn't suggest for a moment that my way is the correct way.
I know to a degree that it would be better in the long run to confront the negative emotions I face in the day. Which isn't to suggest that every day is filled with storm clouds. But when you have a day where there are few positives, like today for example, I am content to just relax at home and push these thoughts to the back of my mind. In short, it's happened, move on. However, it does contrast to my girlfriend's method of dealing with her anxieties by choosing, to a degree, not to deal with them at all and just vent out as soon as she is confronted with a situation she is intolerant to.
It almost acts as a protection mechanism, I suppose, that in order to not be overwhelmed by the situation or environment around her she is choosing not to face these scenarios but just blow them away. I've witnessed it; she retreats inside herself mentally and vents steam. But of us are products of English culture but of different classes who have developed similar yet utterly different methods to cope with negativity and stress in our daily lives. But then if I'm the pressure cooker, and she is a kettle, I'd certainly have to describe our relationship as a microwave.
We've argued and bickered over the most mundane of situations that from an objective stand point should have meant nothing at all. A recent example, we were painting my balcony; the floor had been painted in a light cream color, the walls in an orangey shade. Her heart wasn't in it, that was clear; however she made an effort. Of course you can imagine what happened and sure enough, the paints mixed and 2 hours work was effectively wasted as we had to wash off the paint and wait for the surfaces to dry before attempting another coat.
This resulted in essentially a flash argument, 30 seconds full temperature, that ended a short time later. Perhaps both of us had some unresolved issues or feelings that just erupted out but in short, while in our separate lives we deal with stress in a certain way; as a couple this is often the nature of our arguments when they arise. A short burst of anger and venom and then we'll move on. I find it very, very difficult to stay angry after I've finished cooking with her. And likewise, a cuddle will turn her proverbial frown upside down. The English relationship ladies and gentlemen.
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Comments (5)
This isn't so much a uniquely English dynamic as it is the way men and women generally are. Men are typically bottlers, whereas women tend to chatter / rant to vent their emotions. Of course it's a matter of personality, too; I don't know if I'd attribute it to class and upbringing as much as you do.
You said that instead of dealing with her problems, she vents about them. I'd have to say that venting about it IS a way of dealing with it. Now if she just vents non-stop, then she does need to learn to let some things slide because venting 24/7 isn't fun for anyone. Bottling it up is also not a good alternative but there are times when it does help a situation. For example, my friend and I were just discussing how if we're at work and we're upset, we'll just push it to the back of our minds so that we can get through the work day. Then when the work day is done, we've given ourselves time to process what made us upset and we aren't as upset as we when started out.
I disagree with the first poster here; I don't think this is how "men and women" (all 8 billion of them) currently interact. And I further think that it's important that you make it an English class thing, because although I'm from the US, I have friends in the UK and they've made it clear that class does exist over there, and influence behavior, in a way that's hard to understand over here.
I think your whole post is pretty aware of the dynamic going on in your relationship, and you don't seem too harmed by it; ticked off now and then, of course, but not annoyed and not harmed. You haven't asked us about ways to change it, and maybe we can read some criticism of your partner in what you've written, but the conclusion sweetens it all back up.
Good stuff.
Indeed it could well be an evolution of the English class based system that has developed, I tried to keep an objective view point as I'm well aware we both have our flaws and its these flaws that make it work between us. Going out with the 'perfect' individual would remove all the humanity and struggle that makes it work when it gets difficult. It's difficult objectively to see what differentiates us besides upbringing, social standing and experience.
Sorry, this may be random, but I feel like sharing.
When I saw the title, I was reminded of what my husband's FRO (that's Family Readiness Officer to you non-military affiliated people) told us about what the homecoming (from the current deployment) will be like. She said "You're probably used to your men being crock pots, but unfortunately they will be more like microwave ovens for a little while."P;