Tuesday, 04 August 2009
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Eating Disorders in Relationships
So a few months have passed and I've started dating another guy. My previous relationship was great! We didn't fight much, we both seemed to be pretty considerate of each other. But there was a lot of baggage - he had an eating disorder. As much as I cared for him, it got so hard pleading with him to eat more and telling him that he wasn't fat.
He was a few inches taller than me and we almost weighed the same. After a while he started to gain some weight, and I told him it looked really good. He then starved himself to lose it.
The guy I am currently dating has a bigger frame, which I think is way more attractive, but nonetheless, he's not fat. He also has an eating disorder. He's run 12 miles out of the blue and only eats salads if he eats at all. He is always talking about how much weight he has to lose and how he's too fat.
I thought when I got out of my previous relationship I would have some relief from this. I always wanted to be there for him. So when I started a new relationship I thought that this wouldn't be a problem. I am not sure how much of this I can handle. I try to be supportive and I tell him all the time how good he looks. But he doesn't see it or believe it. It gets really hard on my part.
Have any of you been in a relationship with someone who had an eating disorder? And how did you handle it?
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Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 981 Comments: 0 36 View all posts by Fearless_upsidedown@xanga
Comments (36)
oh wow. that's really hard.
good luck. i don't really know what to say. i didn't know guys suffered it too
it always makes me really sad when i see/meet/know a girl with one.
Damn, that's a bummer.
I've never been with anyone that had an eating disorder (that I know of). I've never had one either.
My ex had an eating disorder when we started dating. It took him a really long time to ever even tell me, and when he did he swore he was over it. He wasn't, though, and it was really stressful for me because I was constantly looking after him, asking him what he'd eaten, if he'd eaten at all, etc. When we moved in together, I took to cooking dinner every night or seeing that we went out and ate together so that I would know he was eating. I myself gained weight because I was constantly taking him out to eat or making food, and he wouldn't eat if I didn't because it "made him feel fat." It was really hard and really stressful, and I didn't know how to handle it.
My only advice to you is to maybe talk to a doctor about it. You don't have to name names and he doesn't have to know you're doing it, but maybe find out if there is anything you can do to help him. It's something I'd wish I'd done.
I wish I could be more helpful. I'm sorry for what you're going through -- I know it's really difficult.
No I've never been in a relationship like that before. Must be pretty tough though. I guess you could tell someone they look good all you want, but they have to see it for themselves before they can recover. Kudos to you girl, for supporting them through everything
Wow that's really rare that you got with two guys in a row who had an eating disorder. I really don't know what you can do. I'm sorry. I've never been in a situation like that.
No. But I am in a relationship and I have an eating disorder. I would say the best thing you can do is not judge him.
That would be frustrating... I would get annoyed when my ex wouldn't finish my ice cream that I knew I shouldn't be eating, lol.
Oh my, that's gotta be tough. I don't know what you could do, but if it's affecting your relationship so much, what is there to be said on his end? Does he support you emotionally as you do him?
My boyfriend teased me about it. Glad I'm done with him. *rolls eyes*
Nope. However, if I did date a guy that had an eating disorder, I'd support him and try to help him out of it.
It's hard.... I don't exactly know what I would do, but I know I kind of struggle with being self confident with myself because I feel fat sometimes. Just love him, and keep encouraging. If he gets worse, try to get him to see a counselor/doctor, because it's not healthy. I hope he gets better.
Wow, that's rough. I myself have an eating disorder and it is one of the reasons that I have stayed out of romantic relationships. It's rare that you find guys who struggle with eating disorders, even rarer that you get two in a row. I've never even known a guy who had an eating disorder and I've only met two girls.
I wish I could offer you some advice. Let me know if there is anything you want to talk about.
If you love him enough, you would help him and do your best to support him in the best way for him to get better... but i know it must be very difficult to handle being in a relationship with someone with an ED. :(
i myself have had one for the past seven years (anorexia nervosa and meager, short-term attempts at recovery from it). i'm sixteen now. i have been hospitalized multiple times and institutionalized (for other mind disorders, but my eating disorder was part of it). i don't like to talk about it much (though by my weight right now, one can very much infer what my eating habits/lack thereof entail) and don't tell people i date about it unless they bring it up first.
@just__one__me@xanga - we had a boy in a hospital IOP (intensive outpatient) group i was put in after a hospitalization two years ago. he was a regal, handsome one, with the boniest joints and a soft-spoken demeanor both charming and exceedingly quiet. his tendons stuck out like rubber-bands stretched across his skeleton and all of us secretly wanted to look like him. (of course we'd never breathe a word of this; it'd be terribly inappropriate, because he was a gentleman like none the world's ever seen.)
@gypsybird@xanga - I know what you mean; I often see skinny girls and want to look like them even though I know it's not healthy. I've always wanted to meet a boy with an eating disorder.
you cant help them. in a way that you can try to influence them for the better, but ultimately, it's up to themselves
I had a girlfriend who was bulimic and went through some very horrible times during that relationship.
No matter how much you try and sway a person with an eating disorder to believe that he/she isn't fat, s/he will never listen to you.
Take him to see a counselor.
I don't really know what else you could do besides attempting to comfort him further, but he risks serious health issues later.
Wow that sounds pretty tough.. I don't know how I can help because all the guys I've been with/guys I know eat like crazy. Good luck to you.
honestly..
i was the one with the eating disorder in my previous relationship. It just felt to me that the people he had surrounded himself weren't like me. I'm not obese, I guess average according to my BMI pft.. I just wanted to be with him..Although we've broken up now I still can't help but feel the need to just purge every once in a while. I'm not as insecure as I was before but it's just that want ,the need to puke it all out.
:P
you described this very well.
i guess that's how guys feel sometimes.cause some girls (this is NOT supposed to offend anyone) are always like 'do i look fat?' and then they don't believe them.yup i've been in a relationship like that actually started me counting calories and skipping meals
i've had an eating disorder for a long time, and relationships r rly hard for me...which is why i have never had a real relationship.
ED's are the hardest to understand and be in a relationship with. the influence of a ED on a person is very strong, when you see the person as healthy and they see themselves as fat, and you constantly have to tell them that they are fine or perfect, then it gets draining on you. in some respect you start to worry that you are too fat and then you start to adopt the ED issues as well, either out of spite or desire to be with them better or to understand.
Benn in a relationship with someone whose ED was really bad and considering i was still trying to recover from my own ED and become healthy, it was not a good combo, because as i said above, there is a transference of the ED onto you. needless to say, i am no longer in the relationship with said girl, but it really hurt my body image and has taken a while to recover from that. i am a runner, a baseball player, surfer and swimmer, so i have to be careful to make sure i eat right, but with my ex it was bad cause she wouldnt want to eat, and since i found it easier not to eat, i wouldnt either.. all of the above sports suffered and my body did as well. i am doing better but had to have surgery to repair an injury that i suffered when i wasnt eating well..
the best thing to do is talk about it with him, try to get him some help. the least understood ED is male anorexia since many people think only girls are. Help him understand, if he doesnt, then leave and try to figure out why you are attracted to men who need help with this.