Monday, 03 August 2009
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Was I Right For Ending It?
I'd been dating this guy for about four and a half months and he had been one of the funniest, sweetest people I'd ever met. Ever.
After those four and a half months he started changing. He started hanging out with this girl he used to have a thing with, they even went on a road trip together. When I confronted him about it he said I had been over reacting and there was nothing going on between them. They were just friends. And that was the end of that.
Then a couple of days ago he texted me and said, "So I've been keeping something from you." I was sure that he was gonna tell me that something had gone on between him and the girl. When asked what he says, "I've been smoking for almost a month now". I went off in a fit of rage. He has always known I don't like dating people who smoke since I almost lost my father from it five years ago. I told him he obviously didn't care about my feelings or our relationship or he would have thought about it before he started that first cigarette. Then I dumped him. He wants me back and is trying to talk me into thinking I overreacted.
Did I overreact? Or was I right with my decision to end it? What would you have done in the situation?
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About the Author
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- From: charmedjealousy@xanga
- About Me: I'm Patricia. I'm seventeen and I reside in a cold, warm state somewhere in the US of A. I'm pretty snazzy to talk to.
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Comments (61)
I wouldn't have dumped him, but I wouldn't have liked the fact that he was smoking, either. I would've talked to him and encouraged him to quit, or somethin'.
My boyfriend did the same thing to me 3 years ago. He moved home and started smoking again because of how upset I was he moved home and how hard it was on him. He took a break from us for awhile and then ended up crawling back to me. He's since quit smoking, but will have the occasional cigar.
I hate smokers too. You have an even bigger reason to dislike that he smokes because of your dad. He should understand that and try to quit. You can help him by helping him try to quit. If the relationship is something you want, sit down together and think of ways you can help him and what he can do when he's alone. If he really wants to be with you, he'll give up his nasty habbit.
i wouldnt allow something like this to end a relationship. You may not like smoking, but you can't change people or expect them to change for you. All you can do is state your case and how you feel on the matter and then leave it to the other person to deicde what to do. You may be in a relationship with that person, but you will never control it. He did care about how you felt which is why he lied to you about it to begin with. However he did care enough to know that it owuld upset you more had you found out on your own. So I think he does care for you and there may be reasons why he started smoking again.
I would suggest talking about it, it seems so trival to break up over. However in the end it is you comfort with it. but still talk it over maybe there is a compermise you can come to or something.
Illyria
It's really the matter if you can forgive him or not. My girlfriend told about 3 days later that she went to a dinner with her ex. She told me it was just a dinner and nothing else happened. I thought it, whether or not I should be angry or I should just forget about it. I learn to forgive enough even that topic never came up again in discussion. So, really, can you forgive him for smoking despite the fact that he knew about your certain dislike for smoking? If not, then maybe that relationship isn't for both of you.
It bothers me how much text messaging has taken over actual conversation.
That's not the point though...
You did what you thought was right. Therefore, you are awesome.
I myself cant stand smokers, and if that happened to me i would try to get him to stop, being the stubborn person that I am. If that all failed, then maybe i would considered ending it, because he doesnt care about what i believe.
Also, I wouldnt have just ended it for that reason. I would question the hanging out with old fling thing instead.Theres just so many bad things from that situation that are more probable.
I think I would have been bothered, but I wouldn't have ended a relationship over it. I certainly didn't go out and divorce my husband when he started smoking.
i've been going out for my boyfriend far longer than you have -- but the moment he started habitually smoking (or the moment i found out), i would dump him.
i've lost family members to lung cancer, and smoking increases your cancer risk by SIX FOLD. i would rather lose him now, than to lose him later. i also can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke, so i don't know how much i would even enjoy being around him anymore...
If he's willing to quit smoking, then you should take him back. I think what he did is forgivable. Good thing he found courage to tell you :)
If he's sorry and you love him still, take him back. Best of luck!
the biggest problem is that he kept it from you...
what's a relationship if you're not going to communicate?
i wouldn't dump him over smoking. but i would have dumped him long time ago when he went on a roadtrip with another woman. either way, i guess you did the right thing
You didn't overreact, don't worry. I most likely wouldn't have dumped him for smoking, but I would be angry with his personality change and when he went on that roadtrip with that other girl.
I think you guys should try to work it out.
he knew the rules, and he didn't respect how you felt about smoking.
if you wanted to break up with him, then i think you were justified.
I cant stand smokers. No one texts an important message. it's rude. finally, I think if he really loves you he'll give up smoking forever and ask for another chance.
First off: are you sure you're not transferring some of your anxiety and anger about this other girl over to this smoking thing?
It's great that you're standing up for yourself though! That's always the most important thing. And, I agree - if you're important enough to him, he should be able to stop smoking.
I probably would've dumped him temporarly(the games girls play lol) Just so he'd know I was serious and for peace of mind.But since you really like him I wouldn't let it drag on for more than a week or so.ijs
I think it was your choice. Because you told him in the first place that you did not like smokers, I think you dumping him was justified. Smoking is something you feel strongly about, and he made a choice to start smoking; however, maybe you two can work it out or something.
I don't think I would dump him right away. If I really loved him and believed that he would change, then I'd ask him to quite. If there's no progress and doesn't care, then I'd dump him. I can't stand smokers.
First of all, going on a road trip with a girl alone is not nothing. That's a wrong move! What if you had gone on a road trip w/ a guy? Had he thought of that before? Anyways if he really didn't do anything, confront him and get a full explanation and tell him how you feel and that he shouldn't do that again. Ask him to put himself in your shoes and change prospective, then maybe he'll understand that he should respect your feelings. As for the smoking, dumping your bf for just that is really over-reacting. I understand that smoking is terrible and I dislike that too. I once told my bf, I'd dump him for smoking, but I actually wouldn't do that. If you really love and care about him, you should tell him to quit. If he's able to quit for you, then he'll be worth it.
If you felt that strongly about it then you did the right thing for dumping him. There's no right or wrong to it but more of what you're willing to tolerate and what you're not. Clearly, smoking is not okay and you have a valid reason so it's not just you saying you don't like it and that's that. You did what you felt was right.
4 months isnt long enough to where i'd say forgive him ... its pretty early in the relationship and its as if he didnt even care enough to establish a good start.
sorry, just my thoughts ... i think dumping him was a smart move.
If you believe that his actions are disrespectful and inconsiderate of your feelings (which I personally don't think is unreasonable) then no, you did not over-react. My brother smokes. He also has a son and I think his actions communicate that he doesn't care enough about his son to live as long as possible without voluntarily developing a smoking-related disease. It's your call, girl. Seems like you feel strongly about it.
if you're not into smoking or people who smoke, then you're not. he's gotta stop trying to lighten up your anger toward him when he's at fault. but you didn't need to think about him smoking because you don't like it. it's just bad for HIS BODY, HIS HEALTH.
if he's willing to change for you, then why not? but if he keeps going to his old ways, then no
good shit! don't compromise. he was honest, but if he thinks you're overreacting, then you're better off overreacting single and not with him on your back about overreacting.