Monday, 03 August 2009
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How Much Do Looks Really Matter?
I'm 25 and have never dated or had a boyfriend. So when a friend of mine set me up with this guy, it was a BIG DEAL. She warned me that he "wasn't my type physically," but I've always thought that when it came to relationships, I would put the emphasis on personality and chemistry rather than on looks.Two dates later, and I'm surprised and somewhat embarrassed to admit just how much looks matter to me. The guy's nice. We get along. Our conversations feel natural (even though he does most of the talking). No immediate sparks flew, but I've grown to believe he could easily be a friend. He's said he's had a great time after each of our dates so far and has asked me out for the third time.
I just can't see him as a romantic partner, though. He's overweight, has a double chin, and none of his facial features appeal to me. My mom keeps saying that sometimes, after you get to know someone, he/she becomes better looking to you. I wish that were the case, but I'm wondering how much longer I have to give it?
I desperately need the dating experience, but I don't want to string this guy along if I know nothing is most likely ever going to happen between us. I hate to be so superficial (recent shows like Dating in the Dark and More to Love feel almost like a guilt trip to me now), but I'm finding it harder than I thought it would be to believe in the inner beauty thing when it comes to relationships. Should I end it after the third date, or should I continue to give this guy a chance?
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Comments (111)
I'm sure there are things about you that he doesn't like. stop being so selfish. =\
It's really just up to you...
Don't force yourself to do anything, just let it flow. If you aren't physically attracted to him, then don't bother.
Looks are what initially attract us to someone. I've never dated/liked anyone who I didn't find at least somewhat attractive from the first time I saw them. So if you don't like him, you don't like him.
I say to spare his feelings you just let him go. It's more if you lead them on. Trust me. Been there, accidentally done that.
@freeeker@xanga - She isn't being selfish. She's realizing something that she didn't know about herself before.
I understand where you're coming from. Completely. And quite a few of my first relationships were similar to whats going on with you. I just wasn't attracted to the guy. I'm a very small person and always have been, and obesity does bother me and is unattractive to me. I'm ok with someone being a little overweight, no big deal to me. But obesity is a problem for me as well. Give him one or two more dates and if you're still just not feeling it, it isn't right for you. I highly doubt you have high standards for what you find attractive, but if you're like me, obesity is something that can be hard to look past.
Anyway, I've struggled with this myself, and you are not alone. Guilt for feeling that way? Sure. I know, I've felt it too. But it is important to feel a LITTLE bit physically attracted to someone.
@xkthily@xanga - Exactly!
Looks matter a lot, imo, more than one would think. Take a look at internet relationships.You'd think they would work, but nope..
But yeah, OP, I definitely say don't worry about it and just tell your friend you're not interested.
Well you always tend to talk to someone that catches your eyes and the first thing you see is there looks. I mean you can still date him to see if your perspective changes and while doing that you can date other people. Dating someone doesn't mean your with them it just a way to get to know someone on a deeper level. Play the field alittle bit!
he might not be the only one you end up leading on. you might start leading yourself on, thinking that you will become attracted to him, and it will just get deeper and deeper and you will be setting yourself and him up for a world of hurt.
Well, most of the time you are attracted to someone physically first than their personality... and clearly, it's not happening for you. If you don't feel it, don't push yourself to like him. It'll save you a lot of trouble and it won't hurt anyone in the end.
I could joke around and say throw back a few shots and he might just start looking better but then you may develop a drinking habit if you continue to see him. =P
But honestly, you shouldn't settle even if it is just dating. 25 is young in the dating world so go forth and date some more and find someone you can at least look at and want to kiss at the end of the night! Good luck!
If you aren't attracted, it's just that simple. It's not selfish or anything like that, it's something you can't help. And physical attraction is a BIG part of a relationship, so don't beat yourself up or feel bad.
don't feel bad. think of it this way - he's not exciting enough for you to look past the physical. your mom is right that the more you get to know someone, the more attractive they are, but that says nothing about how this guy is for you. this is the first guy you've gone a date with. you probably don't really have a clear idea of what you like or you don't like, and really only have your gut to go with. trust it. also you said it yourself, no sparks flew. personally, for me, i can usually tell within 5 minutes if i have great chemistry with someone, because honestly, everyone you meet these days is "nice".
It definitely matters, be with someone you can easily have feelings for. Since your friend set you guys up theres no shame in saying you just aren't interested. If he doesn't make you attract you in other ways then its just best to take your time and find someone else. Don't feel like you must find someone and settle down.
I like your picture! I've had the same problem, and to be honest with you...
Don't string him along.
It's okay if it's been years and you've grown used to the person, so what once mesmerized you about their looks is now kinda bland, but this shouldn't be a problem in the beginning.
Their attractiveness, their body... the newness, the appeal of it is usually what SHOULD be at the forefront of your mind, at least in the beginning. It's natural and normal to at least somewhat be swayed by looks. Evolution made us this way. Attractiveness=healthy mates, so it is an instinctual drive we all have. Don't feel guilty. Nearly everyone is this way. And if they claim they aren't, then they're lying or naive (the latter as you once were).
You'll find a guy eventually. No worries there. In the meantime, make sure to keep up with your OWN appearance just as you'd want someone else to.
I didn't think my boyfriend was even a little bit attractive the first time I met him. And I was drunk. They next few times we got together, when I first saw him, I was thinking, "holy shit, he really is not attractive"
6 months later I have NEVER been more physically attracted to anyone in my life. I don't just like his personality, I really really do find him extremely attractive physically.
So if you like the PERSON enough, it really doesn't matter. And I hope he felt the same way about me, cuz I'm ugly as hell. haha.
appearance is not everything, but it is the initial attraction which leads people to know the person. And the outlook is also counted in the first impression, so it's somewhat important. Of course the personality's the thing that matters eventually.
Seems like you are somewhat having a not so good impression on the guy, it is sympathizable that you are not willing to have the 3rd date.
You however say you desperately need a dating experience. Then I could say if you only want the dating experience, you should just give a chance to the guy, assuming you don't have to really like the guy but just a experience with someone.
And don't feel guilty about doing so, you merely are giving a chance to someone, and you may even turn out liking him. If it doesn't work out, then there's nothing wrong with it.
To be in a relationship with someone, yes, you have to find that person attractive to you. Regardless if its his physical features that catches you at first glance or his inner beauty that makes you want to stay. It's not selfish to realized that looks do matter because looks do matter to an extent. If you realized that he can be no more than a friend, tell him so and don't lead him on. Don't force yourself to like someone just because society makes 'liking a person for his physical appearance' shallow. Looks matter but it's also what's inside that counts. If you're simply not attractive to him in that kind of way, you're just not.
Btw, I wasn't attracted to my husband physically when I first met him also. Like you, I gave him a chance and spark flew. His inner beauty caught my eyes and made me stay. At least give yourself credit for actually giving a guy a chance. Not much people would do that and go on for a second date.
@freeeker@xanga - Realizing that you're not attracted to someone to pursue a relationship with him is not selfish. She went out with the guy twice to give him a chance. Most people wouldn't even go on a second date if they didn't like what was brought onto the table.
mm... yeah, idk. i used to not think my bf was attractive. i remember convincing everyone for years that i just thought of him as a friend. an exciting friend! who i loved to dress up and wear make up for! but just a friend i swear! 5 years later ... he's the most adorable person i've ever met w the manliest body ...
lol. so you never know. but for me there was still always that excitement ...
I'd have to agree with most people here. You're not being superficial in being physically attracted to someone in the beginning. It's true that over time the physical appearance aspect becomes less important, and the more important things such as personality, ability to handle situations, and the love factor become more prevalent. Everyone needs to be physically attracted from the get-go in my opinion. Usually that's what initially grasps your attention to want to learn more about another person. Take your time, dont rush into anything, and move on if you feel like there isnt anything special between you two. Good luck, and have fun in the process!
Which brings up another question to mind: If you're not physically attracted to someone, then they're just a friend?
Anyway, I've only gotten into relationships where I've found the girl attractive. Two of those relationships, I didn't find them attractive until after a month or so of knowing them. Then they really seemed beautiful to me after getting to know them. So maybe they look average, but their personality enhanced their physical looks? lol I dunno.
But yeah, sounds like this guy's looks really bother you ;P As said above... let it flow...
I am in a very similar situation where I was setup by a friend for the first time and I really do appreciate it a lot because I could use the help in finding someone, but I am having the same issue with the physical appearance. we met up twice and she's really nice, has a beautiful singing voice, and she seems to taking a liking toward me and the thing is...this girl is cute by normal standard...just not the type of girl (physically speaking) that I gravitate toward.
truth but told I don't see a future here but I feel like I really need to stay with it for a little bit longer to be fair. I am trying to overcome this look aspect but it is very difficult...I hope you have better luck with that.
i would drop it. i'm not trying to sound 'better than thou' here but for me, none of my boyfriends have been 'hot' or really really good looking or anything like that, but i am attracted to them, you know? it's like, looks matter, but personality is the super boost behind it. i mean, obviously it would be great if you could find a model with a perfect face and body but realistically that won't happen. you aren't shallow, he's just not right for you. i would recommend for you to just get out more... go out with friends, go to a bar... idk what you're into but that's how you'll meet people. then you can casually date from there. who knows, you might find someone your friend doesn't think is attractive but you think he is really handsome and perfect for you. you do need chemistry - or else all you are is just friends.
Looks do matter, but the ones that i only am concern is
1. personal hygiene
2. that they have nice style and doesn't wear clothes that looks like their mom picked it out for them.
You don't need to have that "sudden" spark. I am with my boyfriend for almost one year and a half, and trust me he doesn't look this handsome now in our first month (i wasn't really physical attracted to him) but he had the most stunning personality.
can you picture him as a friend in the future? and JUST THAT? or maybe a glimmer of hope? :|
One of my favorite quotes is "There's a name for people who have great personalities who you don't find physically attractive: friends."
You don't have to feel guilty about not finding him attractive. You can get to know him as a friend (and treat him as such. Don't leave him hanging) and if eventually your perspective on him changes, then go for it. But if it doesn't, it's nothing to feel guilty about. Looks do matter in a romantic relationship. It doesn't matter if others find him attractive or not. But it matters that you find each other attractive. I would rather be alone than with someone who didn't find me physically attractive.