Sunday, 02 August 2009
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I'm Rapidly Losing Interest In The Relationship
I was extremely hesitant about deciding to go steady with my current boyfriend because of our age difference. I'm 21, and he's 28. Although a seven year difference isn't as big a deal when you're an adult compared to when you're a minor, I was still very concerned that I was too young for him - especially since all his friends are getting married and having kids. I simply didn't know if his biological clock was a factor in his interest in me. Personally, I never go into a relationship pell-mell and see how long I can ride the wave, but on the other hand I never go into a relationship with the expectation that I'm going to grow old with the guy. After being "friends with benefits" for weeks, I knew that I couldn't string him along any longer, so I voiced these concerns to him. He was glad that I approached him with what he considered a valid argument and assured me that he just wanted to be a good boyfriend to an equally good person.We've been together for over a year and a half now and things are fine. We've since moved in together. He treats me right. He really looks out for me and my best interests. And yet, I'm surprised at myself at how unaware I was at how much our lives have become routine. I mean, it's okay to regulate and delegate things like who goes grocery shopping or does laundry and when, but sadly a routine has also been (subconsciously I hope) assigned to the bedroom. The same thing happens every night. He wants to have sex. Sure. Great. If I don't want to have sex, he'll either not take no for an answer, or just have me "take care of him." Not so great, but the latter is definitely the better alternative. I was getting very tired of this, so we had a talk a few weeks ago about how we don't see eye-to-eye with our sexual needs. He backed off.
His new thing now is to want me to massage him every night. Great. He might have something thoughtful for me that day; I'm sure it's the least I can do for him. If I'm tired, he'll just whine about how long and hard his day has been until I get on his back. I finish and he'll whine more until I give him another two minutes. Awesome.
In short, I feel like I am rapidly losing romantic interest in the relationship. I'm not merely complaining about what my boyfriend can(not) do in the bedroom or that we're lacking spontaneity; I'm simply losing interest. So much to the point that if he were to break up with me tomorrow, I honestly don't think it would really be the end of the world. I'd have to move out of our place and pick up the pieces of course, but I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep, and if anything, I'd be incredibly surprised. He on the other hand would be crushed beyond belief. Provided that our "routines" do not change at all, going through another year or two with him only to break up would be horrible for him. He'd be then in his 30s, newly-plunged back into the single life. Because no matter what he said to me a year and a half ago about what he was looking for in a relationship, I'm pretty sure he lied to me. He knows that I'm "wifey material." He wants to have kids. He's ready to settle.
Ours is his first serious relationship ever. I know that if I told him I felt insecure about our future he would just think that I was putting an expiration date on our relationship, so I have no idea how to talk to him about this. I am resolved to not put an expiration date on our relationship, but I have no idea how I can tread safely through these delicate water.
Is there a delicate way to handle this? Or am I just getting what I deserved for choosing to date him in the first place?
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Comments (34)
I suggest talking to him about refreshing your relationship because you are not as satisfied with your life together as much as he is. Whatever this may entail is up to you to decide as a couple. But if you find that you absolutely don't have an interest in even renewing the relationship, cutting off ties sooner than later is advisable since, as you said, he will take it harder than you.
if you're not satisfied with the way things are with him right now; whether it's in the bedroom, his behavior toward your massages and/or your future views, then you have to have a talk with him. And you have to decide what's best for you too... there's really no delicate way to handle a potential breakup with someone (that you know this for certain it seems) who depends on you about his future.
although, when he whines at you for those massages, does he ever offer you any? does he ask you how hard your day has been and what you'd like to do? routines are one thing, lack of appreciation is a complete different thing and I suggest that you look out for your interests too.
Its definitely not a case of "getting what you deserved". You give the guy a chance. You date. You become bf/gf. But it doesn't always work out , or end up in marriage. Theres no shame in a failed relationship.
It sounds to me (just assuming) that you went out with him in the first place cuz you cared about him and he is really good to you. (moreso than a "swept you off your feet" thing). So that is probably an issue....in that you need to reflect on why you are together. But with that said, everything is a balance. I believe relationships are part "attraction" and part just hard work. I believe you can learn and grow to love a person.
As far as he goes. He needs to stop being a baby. Hell, every guy wants it every day if they could....and who wouldn't want a nice massage every night. But for him to expect that from you is pretty ridiculous. I mean, really really ridiculous. As a man, I'd almost feel embarrased that I need a massage from my gf every single night. I would bring that up. And its not wrong to tell him to be a little more spontaneous or whatever. If the relationship feels flat, let him know. Some guys just aren't that spontaneous...but most guys should put in at least a little effort to be spontaneous every once in a while...just to keep the relationship and heck, life, interesting.
Ok, this is getting kinda long and I'm not even sure what I wrote. Maybe get him a subscription to Men's Health.....they often have tips on stuff like that....things to try in and out of the bedroom, being spontaneous, ....and just being....well, a man.
I think u shold just come right out and tell him how you feel about everything. If you dont tell him how you feel then your just going to be miserable and its going to get worse and u going to start to build anger towards him. if you really want the relationship to work out u need to be open with him about your feelings. communication is key in a relationship.
As far as you massaging him, thats good that you do that for your man but when u get tired just stop and let him whine. he will get over it. you shouldnt do things you dont want to do. thats going to deffinitly make the relationship worse.
sexually i think when u dont want to have sex i think u shouldnt do anything as far as sex goes. If your going to please him any other way then you mines well have sex with him. it doesnt make sense to say no but then please him the other way. that is completly selfish on his part. and he needs to start taken no for a answer. That right there would make me not want to be with someone. i say no but they wont take a no and still want me to do other things.
A relationship is suppose to be 50/50 and in this relationship its obvious that it isnt that way. it takes two for a relationship to happen.
Yeah, maybe you can just talk to him about spicing things up and see how that makes you feel. You should make suggestions to please you in bed too, it seems so "him" centered. Eventually this is probably going to end tho if you have no passion at all...
It seem like both of you are good to each other, but you two has lost that spark. I would recommend that you two do something that you haven't done before. Try something new... Honestly, you should talk to him about this before you drop him. I am pretty sure he would at least try to bring the spark back. In the mean time before you talk to him, think of something you two would love to do together. Maybe you two need a good vacation together.
It's best if you talk to him about your feelings and try to find some way to make the relationship better. :\ And whether or not you choose to stay in the relationship, it's entirely up to you.
talk to him talk to him talk to him. before your heart is closed off completely. I went through the same thing, and I wished I had talked to him first before anything. Before i closed off my heart and all. so just come out and say it
wow tricky ..
talk to him about your feelings.. i'm sure he'll understand..? maybe
i agree, wouldnt consider being with someone if i didnt think they'd be my potential life partner. I'm dating someone 7 years older than me too, and when i noticed those signs listed in the post above, i wasnt content either, so it happened, and i threw up a storm about it. it was when i decided i would end it that I told him all the things that bothered me, and he adjusted every single thing i complained about, because he really didnt understand without my communication about what I wanted. he told me, "well, i dont purposely try to get you mad"- i guess that's a guys perspective, they dont know sometimes- communication is important. i agree about talking, but it's you who considers the situation, and how much you love him or not, whether you're compatible, because time invested is very valuable, it's good that you're considering to be accountable. ^^
Well, let me just say that I could never move in with someone I'm not married or engaged to. That's just my belief. I feel like if you move in together without having a promise that you'll stay together forever, the relationship will only become complicated in many ways.
The age is also a chilling factor..he's at that age where most people get married and start to have kids. You, on the other hand, probably just got out or still in college, which makes things complex..
In anyway, you should talk to him about how you feel. That's the first thing you should do before deciding on anything. And of course, if you know you won't last with the poor guy, just end it quick. Better sooner than later..
It could be that now you have seen the real him, acceptance is the key, but it depends on whether you can take the pain that comes afterwards or not. Another possibility is that he changed. True love is bound to be bittersweet... If you do not like it, if you cannot take it, then you will be in the state of insecurity forever unless you go single for all eternity.
@StylishMudd@xanga - Yeah, but even married couples can face divorce at any time... It would be unwise to stay in the same enclosure with your partner who isn't married to you yet. Marriage is a big and one of the most important events in life, so that I encourage people to think very carefully before jumping in. People nowadays jump in too quickly without much consideration, this is what I hate. Trust me, I know how devastating divorce can be, a couple of my relatives divorced and their kids... Sigh~ Even though marriage can be seen as just a ritual with a sheet of proof by many, and that true love is not within these boundaries; but that sheet of proof and a wedding "ritual" does help in terms of providing security.
if you won`t tell him directly, probably that will be a trouble between you guys. And i know that kind of problem isn`t easily be solved for a short time. You need a broad decision. Try to be sure of yourself.. Goodluck! and Godbless you!
I think there's a difference in the way you two perceive your relationship. If you told him you're not ready to settle down yet, he hasn't gotten it through his head yet. So as everyone else has said, talk to him again, and if he still doesn't get it, do what's best for you. Good luck.
haha.. he sounds like my bf. always asking for massages and sex. but i mean i do it because I love him and he treats me well so i repay him by doing those things for him. I really dont mind catering to my bf. but yeah i agree with other ppl.. u probably need to perceive your relationship differently. either that or YOU need to do something to spice things up. he cant read your mind.
"If I don't want to have sex, he'll either not take no for an answer, or just have me "take care of him.""---->Wow...sex slave??
Good luck. I hope things work out in your favor.
so wait. you want to break up with him for yourself because you are losing interest, but don't want to because how much it would hurt him? Seems like he running the relationship. Like when you go to bed it shouldn't have to be either you have sex or you go down on him. That's craziness. He's not treating you right. He's forcing you to have sex. You know, I know how you feel. I had a relationship that was like that and it just made me feel so horrible everytime he "forced" me to have sex. We didn't live together, but we eventually broke up. I lost interest but hanging on to the relationship because I was afraid of change. You said it wouldn't bother you to break up. SO, why not talk to him about what's going on and how you feel, and if you can't come to an agreement or understanding then maybe you should think about what you really want out of it?
He seems pretty selfish. He's demanding and whiney and doesn't seem to take your views into consideration. You seem to recognize this but are afraid to break up with him because you're afraid of hurting his feelings. How is any of this fair to you? If I were you, I would call it off. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who whines for sex and massages every single night?
You have to be able to talk to him about these issues. If you can't even do that now, you sure as hell aren't "wifey material." And don't worry about the fact that you'd be "plunging him into the singles scene." Your concern with the relationship or if you want it to end is what's best for you. You don't have any obligation to him in that regard.
It would be best if you talk to him about your relationship and both of your interests.
Hrm, I'd talk to him, but it's not good to hold on to a relationship just for the sake of the other person.
I went through the exact same situation. even the "finishing him off" when I wasn't in the mood and all that. i tried to ride it out in hopes that things would get better, and it really just turned into us fighting and fighting. and I'd try to talk to him about it, and he'd say he was going to change, but never did. I eventually had to be assertive and just end it. Because it just turned into me starting to see other people, and I really just didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore.
Sounds like me and my boyfriend. I'm 20, he's turning 27 this month.
I wake him up and get his clothes ready for work, fix his breakfast and pack him a lunch. I'll start the shower for him and put his socks and shoes on him sometimes.
When he's at work, I'll sometimes bring treats or snacks for him to share with the other guys.
When he comes home, if I'm not at work, I'll fix him dinner. We'll play video games, and we'll go to bed. If he's tired, I'll hold him until he falls asleep. If he wants sex, we'll have sex or I'll give him a blowjob. His job is hard and exhausting, so I'll give him a backrub or a footrub if he needs to relax.
My entire life and routine is focused on making sure he has what he needs and is happy, and I draw my own happiness and sense of accomplishment from that. I LOVE being that person who does everything for him.
Maybe the problem is not your boyfriend. Maybe you just don't have the right attitude toward the relationship.
Another thing my boyfriend and I do is communicate with each other when there is a problem. You should try that (and I don't mean nagging).