Sunday, 02 August 2009

  • I'm Getting Cold Feet

    To make a long story short I've been after my BF, Chris, for 6 years now but there have always been obstacles getting in the way of us having a relationship. 

    First it was our age difference; he's almost 4 years older than me and I started liking him when I was in middle school.  Then it was because he's my brother's best friend and Chris thought it would be weird to date his best friend's little sister.  Then it was the big one, I was finishing up with high school and he entered the Air Force.  We didn't want to tie each other down when we still had so much growing left to do. 

    We kept in touch while he was in the service, but I had moved on.  Then in October of 2008, Chris started emailing me after a 6 month hiatus. He had been stationed in Afghanistan but he was getting ready to come home.  He said he had something to tell me but he wanted to wait until he could tell me in person. 

    I had never been more worried in my life.  My natural course of thought is to think of the worst case scenario and start preparing myself for it.  One weekend I started getting phone calls from a number I didn't recognize.  I finally called the number left on my cell phone and found out that it was Chris.  He'd been staying overnight at BWI and wanted to see me before his morning flight back to his base.  We talked for hours before I worked up the nerve to ask him what he had wanted to tell me.  He said that while he was overseas he realized he was in love with me. We've been together ever since.   

    Fast forward to today, he's been out of the Service for 2 months now, and we're looking to move in together.  I came up with the idea and it seems like the best thing for everyone involved, not just Chris and I but the people I live with to.

    In two weeks he's gonna start moving in but all of the sudden the reality is hitting me.  I'm going to be sharing my life with him in a way we've never had before and it's freaking me out.  I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else, and lord knows I've dreamed of us dating let alone living together for years. But why am I so afraid of him moving in? I think we can handle it, but are we ready for it?  Do I really know what I'm getting myself into?

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Comments (23)

  • thekeyhole@xanga

    If you are questioning it... talk to him about it. Don't be afraid to communicate with him.
  • TheScaleDiaries@xanga

    I agree with the above person. If you have concerns you should bring them to light. Maybe when you talk through them you might realize you're just nervous to the change and it's not much a of huge deal. It definitely should be discussed rather than buried away so it can fester and possibly become worse
  • Insomnia_Pickles_XtraTomato@xanga

    hm. to me, it doesnt sound like cold feet like, "i actually have a bad feeling about this," but more of a healthy fear: you understand that this is a very big deal, a huge step in your life and a lot of things are going to change. it IS scary; you'd be kind of crazy to not be scared.

    but if you are really questioning whether it is a good idea, well; first of all, i think a lot depends on your age, and standing in life. if you know who you are for sure, and that you can depend on yourself - a lot of your identity changes and re-establishes itself in your early-mid twenties. (i know this because I'm 22 and keep retracting within myself and adjusting my perspective on things ... i'm going to keep hoping i grow out of this)

    so i mean, keep talking it through with him - communication is also going to be a huge factor in determining the soundness of the idea.
  • QCEM@xanga

    If you two really do love each other very much, it'll probably all work out. Still, don't just assume that it will, talk to him about it. It will probably be awkward in the beginning, and everything will smooth out...and if, after a while, it's still weird or even uncomfortable, talk to him again. Good luck.
  • TheSpaceBass@xanga

    Just take a deep breath and dive in. Sure it may be scary at first but do not pass up this great opportunity with you love just because of some natural fear. It is okay to be scared, but not okay to let the fear hold you back.
    Good luck! Everything will turn out for the best. (:
  • BoStOnIaNMoMmY@xanga

    U will be fine, I dont think its cold feet i think its more of excitment then anything=)
  • JessxMaxine@xanga

    i think you should communicate with him how you feel. maybe, because most of your relationship was long distance, it seems weird, because you will be living together?

    i think it's normal to be a little freaked out. change is scary sometimes, but sometimes it's for a really good reason.

    xo
  • joycemiles@xanga

    as the above people say, communicate :) Talk to him about what you feel, and things will work out

  • sjnjld0716

    In the beginning it is scary to think about. It is definitely something you have to get used to -- seeing him everyday, falling asleep next to him, waking up next to him, cooking dinner with him, sitting on the couch & watching movies... & then cleaning up after him, doing the dishes, washing his clothes, etc etc. BUT if you really love him & want to spend the rest of your life together, then this is a great experience to do before you get married.


    My boyfriend & I have been together for 4 years & we just moved in to our first apartment this summer. I was SOOO excited for such a long time about this & then the week of came, & I was so nervous. But we've been living together for 2 months now & it's great. We have our ups & downs, but it's definitely worth it.


    Good luck & just make sure that you communicate with your partner. Don't keep it in because when you live together, it's harder on the relationship. I'm sure you two will be fine! Good luck & enjoy it :)
  • UnopenedSuitcases@xanga

    @MilkyWhitesezMoo@xanga - i couldn't have said it better
  • cheddarsox@xanga

    No you don't know what you are getting yourself into. That's how it is with relationships, you just don't know, until you go there.

    I can't say whether it's too soon for you two to do this, etc. I have no clue.  Some people like that sort of full time intimacy, others opt for more of their own space. And it can change at different times of your life, there are no hard fast rules about this...but do pay attention, LOTS of attention to what your gut tells you.

    yeah, you've had your dreams and fantasies about how it would be when you finally got together, and that's all good, but then reality is a bit different. If your gut is telling you to say "lets wait a bit"...then do so. Sex is one step, an important one, but moving in...is HUGE.

    I wouldn't rush it, even though  you've thought about it forever, this may be rushing it.
  • AlexKuo@xanga

    Hi there. Your posting made me think of when I was living with my ex-girlfriend(s). Check out my response if you're interested. http://alexkuo.xanga.com/708761360/re-cold-feet/ And keep writing! I'm interested in what happens. 


    I think you're smart for addressing your uncertainty. There are a lot of things to consider. I guess the best thing is to know yourself and predict your own future. By that, I mean, are there things about him that annoys you now? Because it will magnify a hundred-fold in the future. Do you two argue? It will intensify if you don't have have a consistent way of resolving issues. Do you have personal space? You will need it. And do you have the same ideals about marriage, health, finances, and family? Because this will make-or-break a relationship. The best thing is to consult with everyone around you to see if living together will be the best step forward, especially people who know you both. And also be sure to discuss this with him. He might feel the same as you. 
  • cherrey_wl@xanga

    oh my!! you know what I was just about to ask myself that and start a blog, earlier..but I told myself, I probably should check out featured blogs and see if some dilemma will match mine, and yours did...
  • Luvlystarr@xanga

    Talk to him about it and hope for the best.  Don't run away

  • S0N1@xanga

    You should talk to him about it and try to sort it out. I'm sure it's not cold feet, it's probably just because you're new to this and kinda scared of it in a way. I'm sure you just need comfort :) 
  • linguistic_nonsense@xanga

    I think you're scared, and there is nothing wrong with that. I certainly don't blame you. Anybody who isn't scared about this type of thing is weird. You recognize that this is a huge step you and he are taking and you have a sense of how big of a change it will be for both of you. I am sure that he is feeling the same way. I can't picture him not feeling the same way. You should talk with him about it so that it doesn't fester inside yourself and become worse.
  • meagan1986@xanga

    Your probably getting cold feet because its another big step in a relationship. Of course you are going to question things. Just talk them out with your SO and make sure its the right thing for you both.

  • EternalSnow871@xanga

    agree with most people above.

    one thing, if you decide that your feelings are more along the lines of "i have a bad feeling about this" rather than "ooh i'm so excited, scared cuz its so new, but excited!" then I would suggest that you have a back up plan.

    definitely you need to talk to him. but maybe postpone the moving in, a bit, like keep separate homes, but spend so much time together that you practically live together, just to make sure you are actually compatible living together. it's not unheard of for friendships to get ruined or at least lessened because people thought it would be super awesome to get to hang out all the time! only to find that their living habits totally clash and annoy the hell out of each other --> fighting.

    or, move in together, but keep your own place, for when you need your own space, or worst-case-scenario: in case it doesnt work out and you need to run.

  • crashthedr3am@xanga

    the right thing to do is to express how you feel to your s.o. 

    any doubts you might have, he should know about them. its a solid thing to do to keep your relationship solid
  • coconut_dream@xanga

    The strength of your relationship can answer that. 
  • theobsessivechick@xanga

    In Psych class, I learned that statistics show marriages (if you're looking ahead that far) are  more likely to end in divorce if people live together before hand, than if you wait until you're engaged or married to move in.


    In other words, if you're looking for forever, consider continuing to live seperately.
  • anonymous

    Long Distance Relationships are not easy but definitely possible!
  • shoushiyanagi@xanga

    Wow, thank you to everyone who commented.  I really appreciate all of the feedback.

    So, Chris and I have been living together for a little over a month now and things just seem to fit.  A lot of my pre-move jitters have gone away.

    With that said, sharing my life, my space, and my time with my S.O. was a bit weird at first. 

    Its definitely different than growing up with my family.  Growing up in my parents' house I had my own space.  Now I share my apartment with Chris.  If I wanted to be away from my parents I could just go to my room and read a book, but now Chris is always there.   Quite often he wants affection when I don't. 

    Its taken some arguing and a few discussions but we're learning how to
    balance our together time with our alone time so that neither of us
    feel smothered.

    Also our habits sometimes clash, like with our priorities related to house work.  He will often leave his dirty dishes, laundry, or trash where ever he last used them in order to go play a video game or read a book. When I'm done with something I usually try to clean up after myself instead of leaving it to deal with later. 

    Despite our differences I love living with him.  Even though we argue I get comfort from having him around.  I love falling asleep next to him every night, cooking dinner with him, and coming home to him after a long day of work. 

    So all in all, I'm taking the good with the bad and loving all of it.  I'm glad we went through with the move. 

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