I have currently been dating my girlfriend for ten and a half months and we are both still crazy about each other. She has so many attributes and characteristics that I look for in girls. She's smart and witty, has an awesome sense of humor and she is very considerate. We started pretty fast and we spend a lot of time together, but I never get tired of her company!
We can stay in and just watch TV or we can go out and wander downtown for hours. It doesn't matter what we do, I'm always happy in her company.
I've wanted to take the next step and allow myself to completely fall for this girl and tell her that I love her, but there are a couple issues that I am having that are stuck in the back of my mind.
First off, and kind of the basis of my issues, is that her parents are extremely wealthy. I don't have an issue with that part, but some things she says or mentions kind of get stuck in my head and bring me down. I don't like talking about money and wealth but every once in a while she will say something about shopping at this expensive store or how much their car cost. It started off as small and I told myself it was nothing and to forget about it, but now every little hint of bringing up what she has brings me down and I normally don't respond and enter a kind of weird mood.
I know I blow it up a lot, but I find myself scrutinizing her very harshly. Has anyone been in my spot before? Any suggestions how to either get over it or approach her in a non invasive way?
Secondly, her parents pay for everything for her. She's never had to learn about budgeting or what it's like to not be able to get something. She has never had to work and she's 23 years old. She's still in school but no summer jobs or anything. I feel that even though I am in a profession that is financially sound, I will never be able to provide the kind of security her parents give her and therefore she would be high maintenance if we ever moved in/got engaged in the future.
I'm so torn because this girl means the world to me and materialism is getting between us.
Can anyone help? Give me some kind of suggestions so bring it up without attacking her? Or is there a way I can overlook it and not blow it up?
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Comments (20)
haha i have the same problem since i socialize mostly with international kids, while i've been supporting myself since i was 16.
but like you said, it doesn't bring a hamper on what you do with your gf, then it really shouldn't matter. if she wanted to eat out at expensive places all the time, then that's when it just becomes impossible. it's not hard to talk to her about this without attacking her you know.
I'm poor but my heart is wealthy. Seems as though yours is as well, if you are short of cash compensate with adoration, if not than engage in semi-legal schemes to increase your gross product =)
I can empathize to some extent. My boyfriend's family is also a lot wealthier than mine. He gets his school and rent paid for, but he works his ass off too so I guess there's a little bit of a difference. It can make things awkward though when we want to do something and something viewed as "normal" for him is super nice and fancy for me.
I wouldn't worry about it causing any SERIOUS problems though. She's into you now even knowing you don't have as much money as her family does. Maybe in the future (if you were to live together) conflicts might arise with budgeting and purchases, but right now I think you both love eachother for who you are. :]
Tell her you're uncomfortable with it. She must wonder what's up with your attacks of mood changes, if she hasn't figured it out already, that is. I'm sure she would be willing to help accommodate your discomfort with her attitude about money.
Tell her firmly that you both come from different worlds and that she's spoiled. Tell her that you didn't live the life she does and that you're an adult and adults have to work hard for themselves. I'm sure she'll understand and she doesn''t, she wasn't meant to be with.
Make it about you. Talk about how you're worried you won't be able to support her in the future the way she's used to. Tell her you want to make sure she's happy, and that her happiness means the world to you. Whatever you do, do not make her sound materialistic and don't mention her lack of budgeting skills, the fact that she's never had a job, etc. Your concern is really whether or not she'll be happy if you can't provide the life she's used to right now. This encompasses the budgeting issues and the lack of a job without making it obvious, and she probably won't even jump to that conclusion if you don't bring it up in the first place.
Again, I can't stress enough...make it about you, and how YOU want HER happiness (because you do, right?) otherwise she's gonna get defensive. I guarantee it.
By the way, how much are you playing into the materialism right now? Because if you're trying to keep up with her parents, then you're setting a standard you probably won't be able to keep up with later on if you get married and buy a house together. If you're doing that...I'd back off a bit. Otherwise she's gonna expect you to be able to support her like her parents do because you're pretending like you can. And this could be a problem in the future.
Good luck!
-Katie
haha, wow. yeah, tell this great and wonderful girl that she's "spoiled". because accusing people, name-calling and projecting reeeally helps get your point across. ..or, not.
other than the tiny comments about the price of objects, I don't see how she's spoiled- she's just lucky. Don't listen to other, perhaps bitter, people. Not everyone has to work their way through school. Not everyone has to pay for school themselves. I think that what you should do is maybe have more communication. Ten and a half months is a long time to get to know her, and if she's as great as you say she is, she'll be open to a discussion about the future- including budgeting, how she expects/wants to live, and just her monetary views in general. And it usually takes maybe one to three times of crashing and burning on your own money to realize what budgeting is and how to do it. Just talk to her about it. It's nice that you're talking to us, but we can't really help you here.
@akatiegirl - This person said it all.
When you enter into a serious relationship, money is going to be one of the MAIN subjects. If you find yourself not being able to address it ever, it's going to become an even bigger problem.
What is it about the things she talks about that bothers you? Had she said "you should buy me that $1200 Gucci bag for my birthday. My parents would" then it'd be an issue.
Just because she's used to the life she has now doesn't mean it's what she expects. Heck, MY parents are currently paying for everything and I don't have a summer job. Their reasoning is that they want me to focus on my grades during the school year and utilizing the breaks so that I don't get burned out. It doesn't mean I'm spoiled. I worked two jobs back in high school to pay for my car. Now that I don't have those kinds of expenses, I have a perfect 4.0. Once I hit adulthood, there's no turning back so I don't blame them for letting me have this time.
Again, just because this is the way she's living now doesn't mean that is what she expects to be living when she's with you. I'm sure she realizes your financial situation and if she was THAT worried you wouldn't be able to take care of her, she'd have been gone already.
Based on this blog alone, I don't think materialism is the real issue here. It seems to me that you're blowing this up because you're assuming she's implied that you've had to get her a gated estate with 12 bedrooms and 15 bathrooms. You might just want to ask her what her plans are after school, whether it be to mooch off her parents for the rest of their lives or to figure things out on her own.
i hv been in this situation before too, only i am the wealthier one. i hv said the exact same thing to my bf that stuck in the back of your mind but TRUST ME I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THAT and i am SURE your gf is the same too.
actually he once told me that he will never be able to provide the kind of life my parents give me but i reli don't mind becuz i enjoy spending time with him and when it comes to true love, money doesn't reli matter. btw, you two are still young, may be you can hv a serious conversation with her, tell her that her life with you may not be the same as her parents give her and if she's ok with it, you reli shouldn't put things in your heart. gd luck! :)
too bad, you'll just have to work harder and get a promotion
Well, look at the bright side, if it doesn't work out between you two, you get half her money in the divorce! :D
- Kunoichi
My boyfriend is quite wealthy >< It's hard cause one of his best friends, before she knew me, accused me of being a gold-digging slut. I have never asked my boyfriend to buy me anything, if he does it is out of his own free will. I understand what you mean about feeling insecure sometimes because of materialism, only in my case, I'm more worried about how others will perceive me. I think if you two love each other, than you should be able to work through this. Maybe you should talk to her about it. While it could potentially get messy, you have to remember that communication is important in a relationship. She needs to understand how you feel.
haha... i had the same situation before.. (well my girl and i broke up though) .. sometimes they are just like that.. they don't intentionally slap to ur face how much things costs around them... maybe it wasnt her intent to make u feel insecure in financial matters... as the other blogger said.. compensate with adoration.. coz thats what i did... ( well... it kindda worked at first...) goodluck! girls differ from each other.. dont lose hope :P
communication is key. just because things are handed to her doesn't mean that she will be high-maintenance.
my perspective: i'm 16, and my parents pay for my high school tuition ($35k/year), car, and literally everything else. they will pay for college too. their perspective is that since they work so hard and make all that money, they want to give me the best life possible. they're strict, and i literally do nothing but go to the gym and study. they expect me to work hard, stay out of the party scene, get into a great college, and then become successful in the work force. my clothes aren't very expensive, so it's not like they're dropping thousands of designer duds. basically what i'm saying is that just because her family is wealthy doesn't mean she will necessarily be spending thousands of dollars on purses and expensive salons, because my family is wealthy and doesn't do either of those things. just communicate with her since you're concerned about it. good luck!
@akatiegirl - I 1000% agree.. I couldn't have said it better.
You know, people like her are used to having money and everything that they want. I'm sure since she's your GF, she's not doing it intentionally to make you look small or anything. Growing up having money, she's probably not aware of how OTHER people feel about money.
It will be nice to sit her down, like take her to Starbucks or somewhere and talk to her about sometimes you feel bad because you may not be as wealthy as her... blah blah blah. Honesty is key.
@atmaster@xanga - he's right in this
i think u may tell her that you are insecure about this money stuff. then, let her heart decide, if she thinks she could accept you as what you are, then you both will be fine :)
tell her your concerns. don't make it about her, this isn't her fault.
say you feel really uncomfortable about x, y, z. voice your worries about your future without being accusing. she didn't choose this life, she was born into it. she's lucky.
if you want to spend your life with her, you need to be able to communicate. talk to her, without attacking her. then try and find a way to deal with your problems together.
but unless you tell her she'll never know. if she's as fantastic as you think, you should be fine.