Friday, 31 July 2009
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Ignorance is Bliss
I've always had trust issues, especially in relationships. I've even gone so far as to go through guys' things.So far, I'd gone through his phone, his drawers, but today I went even further over that line. I went through his old email. The one he never uses anymore, but only had to talk to his abusive, long-distance girlfriend. I can't repeat what he said. I can't see them typed out on this page. But they are burned into my mind.
See, he said a lot of the same things to her that he says to me. I still love him. I want to stay with him. But every time he says something sweet to me, I wonder if he said it to her first or I think of whatever he said to her that was similar.
How do I get past this? How do I go back to bliss?
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- From: darkestwings@xanga
- Name: darkestwings
- About Me: Warning: Contents Under Pressure!
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Comments (49)
I'd say the reason you aren't blissful anymore is because you decided to snoop through his shit.
You kinda screwed that up, so I guess you'll have to wait to be blissful with the next guy.
And not go through his shit.
Sigh.
:( First ask for forgiveness for snooping. It's his e-mail. That's not fair. Not because you can allow him to check yours, that you feel it is your right to snoop through his too. That's just not fair. Ask for forgiveness.
And IF he forgives you, I guess ask about the confusions in your head.
It might help if you write down in a piece of paper your feelings so that when you're talking to him, you don't get too emotional and lose yourself in the conversation.
My suggestion:
1) Ask for forgiveness for snooping.
2) Tell him how you feel (in the calmest manner you can manage)
3) Ask him the questions bugging your head.
I'm sorry about the things that caused your trust issues. I hope you find healing.
Never snoop!!
I dont care what bullshit excuse you have, unless you're looking for evidence then there is no need. Nothing you can do but get passed it and enjoy him fo him. Be happy he's yours now!
move on to the next guy but before you do. Tell him what you did. Tell him how you feel. And then live by this...be honest with your man. If you question him ask him point blank and watch his answer. You would be able to tell if he is lying or not. And then never go through another persons personal things. How would you like it if someone went through all your personal things...purse, blog, emails, texts, things from before when he was with you.
get thee to a counselor, to a counselor go!
seriously, he shouldn't have to put up with that and you need help in the worst way. you don't need to be in a relationship till you find your happy place and can learn to be all alone.good luck!Yeah, a guy posted something very similar to this a while back where his girlfriend read his old Xanga entries and didn't think he really loved her, because he said some of the same things to his ex.
Do you have an ex boyfriend that you loved? Did you tell your current boyfriend that you love him, too? Do you think your boyfriend is upset about you having told someone else you love them? No, because it's insignificant. Frankly, his whole relationship with this other girl should be insignificant to you.
My point is that it is going to happen. There are only so many cute, lovey things to say to someone, and odds are they've been said before. That doesn't mean he feels it any less, if he's said it to someone before you. It just means that he felt that way about her, and now he feels that way about you.
Lastly, if you hadn't snooped into his personal stuff you wouldn't even have seen it. It wasn't for your eyes. Just put yourself in his shoes and think about how it would feel to have your privacy violated, and then have your partner become insecure and distant when you tell them sweet, lovey things. You just need to put it behind you and move on. You're not likely to find someone who *hasn't* said things like that to another woman before you, but the important thing is that your boyfriend is saying them to you, and no one else! Accept that and be happy.
Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is power
since thats the way it is
where getting dumber by the hour =\
Of course some of the things he says are going to be the same. He loves you just like he loved her, right? Just don't be an abusive long-distance girlfriend. And stop going through his stuff.
@Camouflaged_by_night@xanga - agree. what kind of psycho reasoning makes things that he says to you meaningless if he has said it to other people too. what are you guys, 6?
haha, i do it all the time. i'm a nosey old bitch.
i know i shouldn't, i just cant help myself.
i always keep it to myself though - if i find something that pisses me off.
i sulk about it, then get over it.
it's history, why dwell on past bullshit?
If you are that insecure to go through his email account that he no longer use, you really, really need to reevaluate yourself and this relationship. Relationship is all about trust. If you can't trust your significant other, you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. Period.
Why can't he say the same things he said to her to you? He probably felt the same for her once when they were dating. I mean, sorry, but someone just can't make up new terms to use to you because they once said it to someone else before your time.
I think you just need to grow up and learn how to trust him. One day your insecurities are going to drive guys flying away.
he probably did say the same things to his ex, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't truly mean what he says to you.
Stop snoopin' around. It helps a lot if you can control yourself and stop.
i have to admitt, iv gone through my fiance's text messages, because sometimes gut feelings actually turn up to be true. In my case it usually did...with the guys i dated in my past. whenever i would feel like he was talkin to someone else, i went through his messages, just because of my past experiences. Every time i did it, it was innocent talking, and nothing to really concern myself with. Yeah, its uncomfortable knowing that your guy has felt for someone before you, but obviously there is a reason he no longer does. As long as youre the only one he says those things to, then dont worry yourself over it. In his eyes you are better than the previous girls, so when he says them, they only mean something between you and him.
I no longer go through his messages, i know he is honest and its hard to believe after having trust issues, but iv learned to just believe it. I still have trust issues, but only with certain ppl, my fiance is no longer one of them.
So if he ever told his ex-girlfriend that she was beautiful, pretty, cute, or hot, then he needs to find new words to describe you?
I mean, if you want some kind of a poet who will never use the same phrases to describe how much he loves you, then get yourself your own man-version of Emily Dickinson. Seriously, give the guy a break. He's done nothing wrong besides making the unforgivable mistake of having loved more than one girl in his life.
and stop snooping. You have no reason to.
@i_r_keiko@xanga - I couldn't have put it better.
@jeezshoua@xanga - WINNER!
Yeah, get more secure, that's how you get back to bliss. If you get insecure about a guy saying "I love you" to someone and then saying, "I love you" to you, because OMG HE SAID THAT BEFORE TO SOMEONE WHO WAS NOT ME, then you really have no fucking business BEING in a relationship with ANYONE.
And any bad business you get into from snooping through his stuff, is stuff you fucking RIGHTLY DESERVE.
Grow the fuck up.
I'm fine with admitting I've done this to my boyfriend before. I'm not proud of it in any way, but I feel I learned a lot about myself. Ask yourself--why are you going through his things? Does he seem distant now? Has he changed? Is it just for curiosity's sake? At least for me, my boyfriend never talked about his ex girlfriend. I wanted to just know more about her, although it wasn't my place to go through his e-mail from a long time ago.
Eventually I became overcome with guilt and told him. I'll be honest, he was livid as anything. Rightfully so! I had no business sticking my head into the past like that without his permission. He does trust me now with his passwords to his accounts and such, so it didn't completely ruin our relationship or anything.
Something I learned from it, is that the past is the past. We all have done things in our past, but that shouldn't always reflect the person we'll be in the future. Just because he had a relationship before being with you, doesn't mean he loves you any less. They put the ex in front of ex girlfriend for a reason, because it's no longer a relationship.
Think about your trust with him. Do you trust your boyfriend? If you have trust issues, you'll need to talk to your boyfriend about them to see if there is a way to overcome that obstacle. I wish you the best of luck.
@Hallelujah_Haptism@xanga - LOL
I could just say, that's his game.
But then, you can tell if there's something special just for you.
If you cannot tell, then maybe you should reconsider.
If you can, have a nice talk with him, if he knows you are checking on him, to maturely handle this matter in avoidance to any complicated situations or arguments.
I've been the snooping type before. Although, I wouldn't really consider it snooping, I was just really bored and my boyfriend tells me all his passwords and such. I read through his e-mails once and found things that really made my stomach squirm, it was about things he did with his ex.
It made me sick and I told him I never wanted to go in his room ever again. I realized I was being ridiculous, everyone has a past, we just have to learn to accept it.
Regardless, I know how you feel. Everyone gets curious sometimes. Give it time
you can't un-learn something like that, but you can learn a lesson from it... stop going through other people's things. think about it this way: how would you feel if you found out that he'd been going through your text messages, checking your call logs, and reading your old emails? what if he had arrived at ridiculous conclusions, things that you knew weren't really true of you, as a result?
the problem with snooping is that it gives you reason to assume things that might not be correct, and it makes you feel guilty and suspicious as a result. those negative emotions can be very destructive to your relationship. try giving faith and honesty a fair shot.
@jeezshoua@xanga - Couldn't have worded it any better myself. Well said.
You don't even deserve to be in a relationship at all. You bring everything upon yourself and then you try and put it on him like it's his fault? That's just bullshit.
curiosity killed the cat; you should have just left it alone, it was your own insecurity that furthered your doubt and mistrust in this man.
Okay, seriously...there are only so many sweet nothings that you can say. Did you really think that you would be the only girl to ever hear these things from him? It doesn't mean he means it any less when he says it to you, but like I said, there are only so many ways you can say lovey-dovey things to people. So get past this. Think about the things that are unique to you guys, focus on that, and then stop snooping through his stuff! Because I guarantee, he's gonna find out, and he's gonna break up with you. You need trust in a relationship for it to work. It's just not worth going through everything with someone if you don't trust them or vice versa.
-Katie