I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and ten months now. We are both close to being done with college and we've been discussing marriage for a while now. The only problem is I don't know if I should marry him or not and I need to make a decision soon because he could propose any day now.
I don't have a problem talking about marriage with him, because I'm really excited about the idea of planning the wedding day, and even the idea of being married excites me. But I'm not as excited about being married to him. I feel like we are still very young and that maybe I need to date more people before I decide who to marry. But then I begin to wonder if I could even find someone better than him. I've already had a handful of boyfriends and each one was an improvement from the next. My current boyfriend is an angel compared to all of my exes though. He truly loves me and wants to spend his life with me, I can just tell. We are truly best friends because we hang out with each other more than anyone else, and we have a lot of inside jokes. We fart in front of each other because we are that close!
And we may have a lot in common, but it's the few differences that worry me.
He wants to move back to California when we are married, but I don't want to be more than a few hundred miles away from my family in Ohio. I'm afraid that he won't be as good of a father as I would like him to be, based on the things I know about how he was raised. Plus, his closeness with his family is almost nonexistent compared to mine. We are both Christian people who mean well, but I feel like he isn't at the same point in his walk with Christ that I am at. I'm not saying that I'm a perfect Christian at all, I'm just saying that I've had certain experiences and teachings that have led me to believe what is right and what is wrong and his beliefs are somewhat different. Sometimes he convinces me to do things that I don't really want to do deep down, and then I feel awful about it the next day and just try to forget.
Another thing that bugs me is his dirty mind. I get extremely embarrassed by him when he starts talking about butts and weiners in public. I'm hoping that he'll be over that by the time he is 25 maybe? Anyway, I know I've listed all these bad things about our relationship, but there are a lot of good things too. Or else I wouldn't have stayed with him this long. He is a genuinely nice guy with good taste in music, a sense of style, and a smart head.
Have you been or are you in a situation similar to mine? Do you think that I am being too picky or do you think that I should take into consideration these differences that we have? Help me before its too late!
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Comments (45)
You think he'll be over all the things that bug you about him by the time he's 25? You may be right. Guys mature slower in some regards. But you may have changed by then too. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to wait until you're more certain you want to be with him on a permanent basis. Some couple relationships would be better of as just best friends. Marriage can be a disaster if its with the wrong person, no matter how much you love him. Things that bug you know will take on hugely magnified proportions when the know is finally tied.
Living together in the meanwhile is infinitely safer because you get to know them more intimately before committing everything to each other. You know?
When you decide to marry...you take into consideration that its a life long commitment. Marriage is definitely something you do not want to joke around with. If you are unsure now if you want to marry him...then why even think about it? All I see in this picture is negatives. I dont see any positives. Yes you might feel comfortable around him and yes he might be your best friend but maybe thats all its going to be. I can honestly say by reading what you wrote that you have some thinking to do and you have some growing up to you. You need to find out what makes you happy and find the one that can do that. The divorce rate right now is crazy! So many teenagers/young adults get married at a young age because they feel that he is the one or that they are ready for it. And sometimes end up figuring out that they were all wrong. Please take your time and figure out exactly what you want before jumping into something. Also the advice that other people give you cannot make you decide what you want to do with your relationship. Your the judge. Not anyone else.
You have to decide if the quirks of him are something you can really live with, or to move onto someone who has the qualities you desire. Talk to him about it. That's the only way you'll really know. What priority do these things have with you?
Sounds like you have some issues you need to talk about with your boyfriend before contemplating marriage with him... or anyone. If you like the idea of marriage, but not to him, then I can see where the problem starts already.
Anyway, talk to him first about all the concerns you have first. Distance is a very large problem and can be a deal breaker for marriage if you're not willing to go to California or he stay in Ohio or whatever. Pray about it. Pray with him.
P.S. Guys never stop talking about butts and weiners in public. lol jk
well, i dont think anyone ever finds someone who is PERFECT, you know, we are all humans, we are all flawed. what matters is how perfect you believe yourselves to be for each other. you're always going to find flaws, but as long as the serious things are openly discussed- especially if he is pressuring you to do things you don't feel comfortable doing- you'll likely grow together as a couple. (lol butts and weiners. i mean sorry but he IS a guy lol)
but i really wouldnt rush it, less than 2 years is NOT a long time to be dating someone to be thinking about marriage. if he proposes, be clear that its not an outright rejection, but that you think you both have some growing to do as a couple.
si?
sorry to say this but guys really don't change...if he's talking about butts and weiners now, he'll probably still talk about it when he hits 30.
embrace the imperfections girlie.
BUT the moving part is a pretty big deal, you guys should sit down and talk abt it.
goodluck!
this sounds like me.
guys will never grow out of talking about butts and dicks, sorry
When you look at him and see his flaws and love him even more for them, then you should get married. But now, you sound like you're being a little picky. No one is perfect, I'm sure you have your little "quirks" that he doesn't like either.
And why the hell would you determine your marriage on your "walk with Christ"? If you were really a "good Christian", you would try to help him get further in that rather than say you don't want to marry him because he's not at the same point as you in your "walk with Christ".
I just think this post sucks. Its so contradictory. "I love him, he's my best friend, I want to spend the rest of my life with him" "he embarrasses me, I don't want to marry him, I want to date more guys first." Ugh.
i would just wait it out.. why be in a rush to get married?? my sister dated her husband for 10 YEARS before getting married. that way u kno for sure what you're getting yourself into.
I have a two year rule. I won't even consider saying "yes" to that question unless I've been with him for more than two years. If you can make it past year three, I think you can last a lifetime. I'd say to wait a while. Talk to him, say that you aren't in a rush to get married. Let him know your feelings. I've been with my guy for a year and two months, and I feel like I could marry him. But, I've felt that way about a couple of my exes too. All of my exes have dumped me before the two year mark, so I've been spared the chance to make a bad decision with them. I think that my current one will work out though. He seems different from the others, so I know where you're coming from there. And just because I have the two year rule doesn't mean that we won't be together for almost 4 or even 5 years before he feels ready to pop the question. He wants to be in a position to support me and a potential family before he marries me, so he wants to be stable, able to pay for a house and bills, and have a good job. I'm glad for that. And dating for so long will only help us be more sure about each other.
"We fart in front of each other because we are that close!" <---well there is the deal breaker right there!
seriously though.... "I'm not saying that I'm a perfect Christian at all, I'm just saying that I've had certain experiences and teachings that have led me to believe what is right and what is wrong and his beliefs are somewhat different. Sometimes he convinces me to do things that I don't really want to do deep down, and then I feel awful about it the next day and just try to forget. " <---this will not get better if you are married and if it bothers you now, it will be stronger when you are married. you must discuss this with him NOW. as i fear that when you have the ring on your finger, he will feel that he "owns you" and will be harder for you not to do those things.
"Another thing that bugs me is his dirty mind. I get extremely embarrassed by him when he starts talking about butts and weiners in public. I'm hoping that he'll be over that by the time he is 25 maybe?" <------um, i dont think so. how is 25 a magic number??
there is no one "perfect" being. you have to decide whether you can live with the imperfections or not. relationships do deal with compromise, but both have to do such. and it is about respect and communication.
good luck!
Getting married in your 20's is a mistake, thats all.
LOL - men stop evolving after potty training. He's not going to change very much so DONT expect it, you'll just be disappointed. You will have to adapt for the sake of the relationship, which is something I don't feel like doing and for that I am single.
My parents have been together over 30 years and my dad STILL does annoying things you'd think would have stopped by now. Granted my mom is just as much of a pain.
Good luck.
- plexi
I've been in the exact same situation. He's pretty cool, but you just aren't sure that he's THE ONE cool. Let me tell you right now, from someone who tried to make a man "the one," if you have a lot of reservations, or if you think he's great because of comparing his to less-than-savory exes, it won't work. Getting married because you like the idea of being married is not a good idea. The groom shouldn't be the piece of the wedding to fill in last.
you should probably wait until you guys are both in sound careers (usually post grad school).
also, there was this one post in here about how good couples welcome third wheels. perhaps you could find your family/friends' feedback while you guys are all hanging out with him? idk.
i think you're in love with the IDEA of marriage but not marriage itself.
It isn't just about the wedding and planning the walk down the isle; what about your financial status between the two of you, can you afford a house? are you sharing an account or making a separate joint to pool money in from your other accounts? have you discussed about sharing house work or is that assumed to be your own? What about careers? Will you be free to relocate if you had to for the dream job of your life? Would he? Have you talked about having children; when and how many?
You haven't talked about the foundational (and dare I say important) things about what marriage is. It isn't just a pretty in white party, having your parents standing there with a smile on their face, ending with a walk into the sunset of happily ever after. You guys haven't graduated from collge yet, your frame of mind change as the pace of life does too, how can you predict that getting married is the next step you'd want once you start working? How can you be sure that he'll be content? Dating for less than 2 years when you are both so young; especially if you're wondering if this guy is the bEST you can do or not, is walking to the edge of the cliff with your eyes open. Neither have you considered what COULD happen if you DON"T get married and it's not a bad thing. It's too soon and you're not sure. Talking about being married is not a bad thing but I think you need to clarify to your bf that you're not sure about marrying HIM yet due to many reasons; age, your dating period, school, and career. If he doesn't understand, try not to be so emotional but objective, and explain yourself.
g'luck
I think you're thinking too much for just dating for a year and 10 months. Yeah, of course being married is pretty exciting, but it's really important to know what exactly you're getting into before you get married.
I suggest you talking to him about all that stuff. Talk about your problems with him- and just saying- 2 years isn't very long. My mom has told me that dating for at least 3 years will give you enough experience.
Do you do devotions together? It will help you guys work though in a healthy Christian manner. Or you can do your own devos and then talk to each other about what they learned. It really helps- I do both with my boyfriend.
With your attitude about looking for a better guy... I don't know. That's not healthy for the relationship. If your guy doesn't satisfy you enough, don't drag him on any longer. Just saying- but no guy is perfect, and you know it :) Just talk to him about your problems, he might tell you his. Remember, communication is key- and God is first
Why do you have to make a decision before or if he is going to propose? Why can't you just be a big girl and honestly talk to him about your feelings? If you're not ready for the next step, let him know and work it out from there.
All his little quirks that you don't like makes him who he was and is today. I'm sure there are things he don't like about you either but he probably look past and/or accept them because he loves you the way you are.
Farts, butts, and wieners will never grow old for men. Hence why Adam Sandler is still around and Jackass: The Movie didn't bomb when it hit theaters.
Wait on the marriage. If you think he might be right for you, stay with him, but with an open mind. Before he proposes, express to him that you're still young and in no rush to get married and that in fact, you don't want to even get engaged yet. That'll stall the proposal, and you can make a decision about whether or not he's right for you, without worrying that he'll pop the question at any moment!
Butts and weiners is about as clean as guys get. I used to be unwilling to even use those words, but over time realized it was really more me being a prude. It's a different thing if he's the crassest person in a conversation, but maybe you're the one who needs to get more comfortable rather than him getting more uptight. Regardless, it sounds like you need to talk about this with him, especially if you like talking about marriage with him because of marriage and not because of him.
@SnowGlobe2954@xanga - VERY GOOD ADVICE!