I'm in the throes of deciding whether or not I would like to have a child, in my lifetime. I'll be 30 next year, so I figure that I should decide sooner than later. Another reason for trying to decide now would be the fact that my boyfriend of three years knows that he does not want to have any more kids. He has already had two - with two different women.
I understand the reasons why he doesn't want to have any more kids. He's been there and done that. He doesn't want three kids with three different women. There is no curiosity left - he has two sons already who have his genes and one in particular who he's been an integral part in raising. There is a part of me that thinks if I'm going to stay in this relationship perhaps he will eventually want to have a child with me - if it's what I want. The thing is... I am not sure if it's what I want. I have always been on the fence about being a mother. I can see that the pros outweigh the cons but there are so many uncertainties. Will I be a good mother? Will I wish for my "old life"? Am I ready emotionally and financially? Shouldn't I be 100% about wanting to get pregnant before it actually happens?
What makes you 100% sure you want to be a parent? Where is the deciding factor? Is the uncertainty of perhaps wanting a child someday worth getting out of a relationship for? Is there any point in hoping he'll eventually change his mind - once I make up mine?
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Well I'm not a parent so this may not be the best advice, but there are a few things to consider...
First off, it would not be wise to have a child with someone you aren't married to. If you want to be a parent, you should have a child in the best environment possible, and part of that environment includes two parents who have a stable marriage, income, etc.
You also didn't mention anything about the circumstances in which your boyfriend had his two kids. Are the mothers of his kids his former wives, girlfriends, or one night stands? If he was never married to either of them, I'd be skeptical of his ability to commit. Not knowing all the details about your situation I can't say for sure whether your boyfriend is responsible or not, but that's the impression I got from this post.
I hope you end up making the right choice!
Probably when you're ready. when you're financially stable. when you're smiling and excited when seeing your friends' cute babies...i love children. but i know i'm not ready to have my own yet.
I always knew I wanted to have children someday. I love children. And I can't wait to have a little one to call me, "Mommy." In fact, my husband and I are or has been trying to get pregnant. It's just the matter of time now.
If you want children, you have to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. Not only that, but your significant other and you will also have the provide the child with a healthy and safe relationship and environment whereas s/he can grow up in to be love.
I don't think this is the matter of one individual making a decision but it takes both parties to make a decision on it. After all, you two will be in his/her life. There's no going back or changing your mind.
Besides, just because he had two children with two other women does not mean he can't have a child with you if that's what you want. It's just not fair and yes, I would consider leaving someone if he don't want to have a child with me because having a child of my own is important to me.
I think that if you're not certain from AGES back that you WANT a kid, you'll never be fully prepared. There is a "jumping off point" in getting pregnant. You jump, and it's too late to go back. So you can get some cash put away, and get used to being much more a homebody for a few years, but I don't think anyone can get emotionally READY from pre-kid life to post-kid life. If there's a book on that, freakin point all the new parents I know, to it.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't do it or want it, it's just to say, I think that there's always a "go for it and jump" bit in trying to get pregnant, in having kids, doing that whole road. From what you've written, it doesn't sound like your guy is anti-kids at all; I'm sure if you two are committed (and it doesn't matter for fuck to me, if you're married or not), that you can raise a kid together.
Everyone I know says its the hardest, but best, thing, they've ever done.
Having kids is something people rarely change their minds about when they're older, and should be discussed before settling down. One of the worst things you can do is assume that you can change the other person into thinking they want more kids. He might come around, but don't get your hopes up too much.
Your boyfriend might also be wary because of how it "may look" to outsiders that he's had 3 children, each from a different woman. Regardless of the circumstances in which the kids were conceived (you didn't say), it could make him look irresponsible or paint him in a bad light. It's worth discussing, perhaps.
(Kind of like, to pull from media, in Sex & The City, Big was wary about what people would say because he was getting married for a 3rd time.)
if he doesn't want one and neither do you, then don't have one. but if you do, you better tell him fast, cause you shouldn't throw away your wants in life so he can accommodate his.
I've always wanted to have kids, I can remember pretending that my babydolls were my little children and I would feed and change them. Haha If only real children were that easy! I just think that some people just know what they want and others need to figure it out, give yourself time to truly know what you want and wait for the right things (stable home, financially prepared, etc).
Being a mom myself I can honestly say, if you're not 100% sure don't do it. It is not something you can take back.Being a mom is stressful but rewarding.And most of the reward is having the child you've always wanted.Other than that it may not be worth it.ijs
I think it's important to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially before having kids. Kids are a lot of stress for first time mothers, and they cost a lot of you won't ever get any sleep.
Besides that, any way to tell if you want kids, is to spend time with kids or babies and see if you get those warm feelings and it's something you can see yourself doing.
My boyfriend has two kids from two different girls, but both are boys. So he always tells me, when we get married, he wants to have at least three more kids and hopefully one is a little girl and that she looks like me.
xo
I'm still uncertain for many of those same reasons and more. My number one concern is passing on my psychological problems; if possible, I think I'd rather adopt.
I've always knew I wanted to have children one day but i think at this time in my life, I'm not ready to have children yet. I'm old-fashioned at heart, I want to bring children into this world with 2 loving parents that are together and happy. I probably am going to jinx myself for that but that's just my opinion.
this is prob the reason why it would be difficult for me to date someone who has had kids in previous relationships because when i'd want to have kids with him, he would most likely decide NOT to. same thing with someone with the history of divorce... for them, they've done it already, for me Id want someone to enjoy these experiences (as if it's their first time if it wasn't) as a new thing WITH me...
but if i knew my bf wouldn't want any more kids because he already has a couple from other women... i might have to evaluate how important being a mother is to me and if i'm willing to forfeit that for a man.
I know I want to have kids because I love them a ton, and I would not consider my life complete without having kids. It's also something I have never questioned that I would do, but that is because I have known I am going to do and love.
Thanks for all the advice - everyone.
Honestly, it all collectively has helped me.
I get to meet my first nephew for the first time in about a month and somehow I think that will help me make my decision. Simply with him being my own blood. I haven't grown up with children around me and I'm not one of those people who scoops up other people's kids. lol
Lately I have been surrounded by new mothers and mothers-to-be and I believe now that it is a shame to live this life and not ever try to reproduce. Also I think that being around it is helping my biological clock, which may or may not be a good thing.
I'll update once I make my decision. I feel like my time is running out.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - I'm not sure what marriage has to do with this decision at all. The majority of marriages end in divorce and while I haven't been through it myself, I would not want to put my child through it. Many people have been raised with unmarried parents or same sex parents or just one parent and many of them seem to live normal lives.
Marriage is not for me. Many couples have committed relationships without the ceremony, the ring, and the legalities. And from the couples that I know that haven't gotten married they actually seem to be that much more committed than the ones who have.
Also my boyfriends past should not be considered in this decision either. Just because someone has a kid, out of "wedlock" and then decides to get out of that relationship does not mean they are irresponsible. I've been with my boyfriend for three years and everything about him points to the fact that he cares about his children. That fact alone sways me to the side of wanting a child with him. I'm not sure if it will ever happen but the marriage part definitely won't be!
Though I'm "only" 23, I've chosen not to bear. It's funny that I have to constantly defend myself especially from guys who think I'll "change my mind". I have no desire to do so and would prefer to adopt.
Hopefully you two can work it out :)
-plexi
if a guy doesn want kids you cant change his mind. My aunt always wanted kids, but she married a man who didnt want kids. She thought she would change his mind. When i was born, she would come see me, but he wouldnt b/c he didnt like kids. Long story short, they are divorced and she is remarried to my uncle and they have two kids. Dont waste your life on someone if you havve always wanted kids, b/c u could regret it your whole life.
As a parent, who was NOT ready to become one, I can honestly say that while being a parent is the most worthwhile thing that I have done with my life I do crave my old freedom (not to mention my sleep!). If you're not ready now you may never be, and if you want a child in the future adoption is always an option.
Either way don't let his choices influence yours because you may end up regretting it, or worse holding it against him.
Best of luck.
I don't think anyone can ever be 100% sure they can be great parents. Sure you can plan and get yourself ready, but these things are not within your control. Honestly, I believe that if you love kids and is willing to put in time, effort, care and patience into your child, then you will learn to become a caring mother. People are not born, knowing how to do everything, you must learn and improve. I think you're just nervous, but it's pointless to think about the "what ifs." I believe that once the time comes and your marriage life is happy, you'll get to the point where you just feel like you'd want a child (unless you really hate kids).
Hmmm...you man has children before and doesn't want anymore. For me, I've always dreamed of having a family of my own, including children, so my SO's opinion about having children will influence my view on our relationship. However, I also feel that if he loves you, then he'll comply to your wish, if you both are physically, financially and emotionally prepared to welcome a child in your life.
I don't want to be a parent at 15. I love kids but I'm afraid of the pain one must go through to deliver the child. I'm sure I'll go through it one day & endure it to experience something close to a miracle, but until then, I'll continue being afraid.
I'd want to discuss it with my future husband before I get pregnant. I don't want it to come as a surprise and at the wrong time. I want it at the right time and when we're both ready to take on the responsibility.
If you're not ready to stand up to the world and swear to always love, care for and work with the father of your child, you're not ready to be a mother. Your relationship with your child's father is of fundamental importance to their well-being. The most significant thing any parent can do is to show constant love and consideration for their partner; not only does it give a child a good example to build on when they themselves are are grown but it is vital to a child's perception of themself. Any lack on that part, for any reason, will make a child feel that they must also be unlovable for the same reason. I wish I were just repeating stuff I'd hears psychologists say but I've lived it and I've seen what it's done to my younger sister, who lived through more of it than I did. She's doing okay by most definitions - friends, job, and etc. - but she's a very unhappy, angry young woman.
The sociological argument for marriage aside - what will you do if there's an accident and there's an important medical decision to be made? Only as a legal spouse can either of you make that decision. You may be putting your life - or his life - into the hands of others who don't know you as well.
There are people out there right now fighting with everything they've got for the right to be married. If they're willing to put so much on the line for it, then they must think its worth it. Maybe it's time you looked into it a little more.