Wednesday, 29 July 2009
-
Engagement: Now or Never
My boyfriend and I just celebrated our 4 year anniversary and a few months ago, we moved into our first apartment together. We have our ups & downs, but who doesn't? On our one year anniversary, he gave me a diamond promise ring. At that point, he told me it would be another year and a half before I got "the ring". Enter today... 3 years and 8 days later... no ring, no commitment, nothing. Okay, not exactly nothing. I have him and the apartment, and, now, 2 promise rings. I am ready to make the commitment. I have been for 2 years now.Today, he and I were eating at a restaurant and the topic of engagement came up. He has a hard time opening up and talking about how he feels, so it was like pulling teeth for him to tell me how he felt about it. He told me (1) that he's seen so many marriages fail that he's afraid, (2) he doesn't need a piece of paper to show that he loves me, and (3) he doesn't want me to leave him (later in life) and then him have to pay child support (when and if we have children) for the rest of his life.
Another similarity I've noticed between his life and mine... his dad and fiance have been together for 6 years, his brother and girlfriend have been together for 6-7 years, his friend and fiance have been together for 8 years - and none of them are married yet. In my family/friends, my parents got married after 6 months of dating (sure, that was 1983), my best friend is proposing to his girlfriend of 2 years in a few weeks, a coworker of mine got engaged at 5 months and married at 1 year, etc.
He and I will both graduate in May 2010 and I would like to be engaged before then. If not then, then before our 5 year anniversary in July 2010. Is it wrong of me to want to be with him, married to him? What is a proper timeline in a relationship? Are there other steps that we're missing that need to be taken before we get engaged? What can I do to make him less nervous and make this final commitment?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: sjnjld0716
- Name: Stephanie
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 3 Views: 0 6729 Comments: 0 214 View all posts by sjnjld0716
Comments (85)
This sounds like me. EXACTLY. I'm ready to be engaged and he's not. Three years have gone by and I'm not sure when he'll ever propose.
I've heard 3 years, 6 months, and 18 days is a timeline, if there is no proposal before that, then it probably won't happen.
Be careful. If he's not ready then he's not ready. It's possible that he will never be ready - in which case you should look elsewhere. But I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years now and I am DEFINITELY NOT ready to be engaged.
@iStephanieMarie@xanga - How old were you when you started dating the guy though? The author started dating in mid-2005, which would be when she was 17 or so. It seems like this would be her first really serious relationship (and possibly his, too), in which case, it SHOULD take longer, because you're not really sure what you want.
@la_faerie_joyeuse@xanga - I was 19 and he was 26. We're 22 and 30 now.
haha I honestly like the idea of being engaged more than I do being married.
I want the pretty shiny ring and a title that is above "girlfriend" but I don't want to be bound to someone legally. Divorces are way too messy and way too common.
If you're engaged the possibility of marriage is always there but you don't have to get married if you don't want to.
Maybe try telling him if he pops the question you guys will take as long as need be to decide on a date so he feels less pressured or apprehensive about it.
It takes time. He needs to prepare himself. Both of you are still studying so I'm assuming you both are not earning money yet. Marriage needs commitments- emotionally, physically and financially. Maybe you are emotionally and physically ready, but he's not. Maybe. I dont think you need to rush. I've a friend who has a bf of 8 years now, she has a stable job, same goes to her bf. but they are still not married coz her bf fails to show some commitments and resposibilities. So my friend is willing to wait until he is ready. Maybe you're young and ready to get married, but he's not.
A friend of mine gave me a piece of advice: "Dont get married at young age." - He got married when he was only 25, and he told me it is one of the biggest mistakes in his life.
you need to be financially ready too...
Opps sorry, I was stressing on "marriage" instead of "engagement". But I think they are just about the same. Get engaged and married at the right time, when both of you are ready. I dont see any point of getting engaged when you still need to wait for years until you can actually get married.
There isn't steps, no timeline...you just do it when you're both ready.
I'd say to test our your love with a little seperation before putting your life up for such major investment. Then again, wouldn't he be mad if he found out you're trying to get advice from an online blog site? =P
Men usually wait until they've achieved certain goals (i.e. degree, promotion, etc.) before popping the question. If you are happy and content with every thing else that is not an engagement ring, then consider yourself lucky to be celebrating 4 happy years with someone who loves you. This may sound weird, but, Most of my friends are guys and they got engaged when the time was right, the lucky girls just happened to be in their lives at the time. Doesn't mean they were Ms. Perfect, they just happened to be the person my guys were currently dating when they decided to settle down. Food for thought, "the grass is not greener on the other side, it just looks that way right now."
my bf & i have been together for almost 5 years & we don't even live together or work at the same hours. so you can imagine the anguish. he says he'll marry me but he doesn't have a date. i'm ok w/ it, b/c i don't want a wedding ceremony now. your bf should've played it safe. perhaps he got your hopes up. i think you shouldn't expect boys to get married at a certain time. 6 months is a bit too soon to get married. but if it's true love, everything will be perfect.
The four year mark is when you either committ or quit, that's just law.
No, but seriously, give him some time, if he's seriously doubting the marriage part, maybe he's really not ready. But you should talk to him more and ask how much of a possibility there will be for marriage in the future, because in all honestly, it isn't fair to have you waiting forever if the relationship isn't progressing.
if you and he are ok with just living together, then so be it. but there are legal things to consider. but, i would think that after this amount of time you would know or not andmy guess is that he wont be any time soon
@ViciousGrin63@xanga - You are smart!
Don't rush anything. You don't want to push someone into a big commitment when they are not ready.
Don't push him too hard, the last thing you want to do is get engaged or married before one of you is ready. Rather, if you just can't wait anymore, the best thing to do is move on in life without him, as painful as it would be. But really, if you can wait longer and be happy doing so, then do that. If you're living together you've pretty much got all the perks of marriage except medical insurance, for the most part, so ...
One thing I'm surprised that no one has pointed out is how worrisome this statement is: "(3) he doesn't want me to leave him (later in life) and then him have
to pay child support (when and if we have children) for the rest of his
life." YIKES! Are you serious? That is a huge red flag for me, right there.
First of all, if you have children and end up not together anymore, he'll have to pay child support whether you get married or not. Make sure he knows that. Second of all, if you have children, and they are his children, he should man enough to help support them! He should want to help support them. That was an incredibly selfish thing to say. Even most immature men still in the selfish stages of their lives would at least intend to support the children they father, regardless of the circumstances... even if there isn't a lot of follow through. The fact that he is stating, right off the bat, before you're even engaged, before children are even born, that he doesn't want to have to pay child support, shows something of his character that is not good.
The fact that the possibility of "having" to pay child support for his own children is a big enough of a reason to avoid marriage shows that he isn't ready to be a husband, much less a father. Don't get legally tied up to a man in that sort of mindset. Definitely live with him for a while and don't have children with him either, until he grows up or you decide that he's not it for you.
Cowardice aside, the other reasons you listed that he gave for not wanting to get married show that it isn't just that he isn't ready to take that step (obviously) and won't be for a good long while, but also that he seems to have a fear of commitment. It almost seems like maybe he pulled reasons out of his arse to avoid it, like this is more about having his cake and eating it too... getting all the benefits of having a "wife" without having to permanently commit to it. That's just me though, I could be wrong.
But that statement about child support... just be careful.
Give him time. If you push him to hard to make a big commitment like that you just might scare him away...
but also you have to figure out that if you do give him his "time" how long are you going to have to wait...
if you are willing to wait for as long as it takes then just let him take his time until he is ready to make the next step...
Be careful--that's a long time to be dating without any ring. It's possible that he thinks of marrying you as an abstract idea, something that will happen "some day" (although who knows when? It could be another 4 years, or 14 years. It's easier to not propose than to propose, right? He's being lazy!). It's also possible he doesn't really plan on ever actually proposing. It's my opinion that when a guy finds what he really wants, nothing holds him back.You don't just magically wake up one day and decide, "Yes! Today is the day I finally feel ready to commit to this girl I've been dating for 4 years!" (It can happen, but it's rare). Not only that, but it's not like the thought just hasn't occurred to him that maybe he should propose. It's not like he's purposely waiting till he's done with school. He told you he was going to at a specific time, but then never did. That would make me wonder.
My fiance and I were engaged after 9 months together. I spent 4 years with the guy before him, and if we'd stayed together, I'd probably still be waiting for a ring. It wasn't that we didn't want to get married; it's just that we dragged our feet about it and it wasn't going to happen without us truly wanting it enough to make it happen. As it turned out, I ended up finding someone who is a much better fit for me anyway. Not saying your situation is necessarily like mine was, but it's worth thinking about. Does your relationship make both of you happy? Is there anything your relationship lacks that you might want to work on?
My thought is that if he was really convinced that this is it and that he doesn't need anyone or anything but you ever again, there would already be a ring on your finger because he would be ecstatic to get to that next step with you. Maybe he's not feeling 100% fulfilled yet, and that's why he's putting it off. Either find out what needs improving and fix it, or reevaluate whether or not he's actually forever material.
@BohemianLamb@xanga - Really good points! This guy does sound like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too...he doesn't sound ready to grow up yet.
Also, realize that your boyfriend has already started hypothesizing about what might happen IF you were ever to get married and break up. Uhhh...you're not even engaged yet! Why is he thinking about breaking up as a possibility at all?! At this stage in your relationship, there should be not a doubt in your mind that it's going to last forever.
If you don't think it'll last forever, don't get married.
Didn't read the comments, so I'll just post my thoughts. You should tell him about this difference in "engagement cultures" between the two of you, and explain why you're worried about it. Then I think you should apologize for bringing it up as it apparently makes him uncomfortable, and say that you just want to be with him. I'm not sure if that'll change how he thinks, but I do think that he'll be more willing to open up if he knows what you're thinking.
At least, that'd work on me. Then again, my ex got married less than a year after we broke up to some guy she didn't know until a few months after we broke up. xD
@BohemianLamb@xanga - I saw a huge red flag at that statement, too.
Before I got married, my (now) husband said that if we ever had kids together and split ways (or I took off, etc.) he would demand half custody, and absolutely pay child support - basically, he made me promise that I would never, ever take his children away from him (and if I did, he would fight me on it). It wasn't quite as negative as a discussion as it sounds, but seriously? I'd expect nothing less from MY husband.
Engagement is boring to me. So many girls make this huge deal about someone ASKING to marry them, even though they aren't getting married for a while...I thought getting married was great. My husband and I had talked about marriage forever, and then finally said, "What the hell are we waiting for?"
And we got married less than a week later, and it was lovely. I don't have an engagement ring, I have a wedding band. And that's perfect to me.
i'm sorry, i just don't understand the rush or need to get married.
Men do not want to marry early.
First it is career and having fun. Then if desired, marriage takes place, and that is nowhere near early or middle twenties.
Understand that.
@LausnesElam@xanga - I think we should try to avoid generalizations whenever possible.
@Viserys@xanga - Agreed.