Tuesday, 28 July 2009
-
If It's A Bad Experience, Should You Say Something?
So this is something a friend and I were discussing today: If you have absolutely terrible sex with someone, are you obligated to tell them so? Also, if you still like them despite the less-than-par sex, do you offer to "teach" them some better techniques or just go ahead and take the lead next time?As for me, I keep my mouth shut. No one wants to hear that they just gave someone one of the worst sexual experiences of their life. Now, if the subject is ever brought up, I say I enjoyed it. I figure that flattering/humoring someone is always a safe bet. Plus it skirts around the awkward comment of, "Oh yeah, it was... good..." Who knows, maybe they were just having an off night. As far as still liking them and willing to give it another go, I don't see anything wrong with leading the other person into the direction that you want the next time around. It is, after all, supposed to be an enjoyable experience for all parties involved. I wouldn't, however, say that I wanted to teach them how to get things done. That would be a hit to the ego.
My friend agreed with me up to a point. He told me that flat-out telling the other person that the sex was terrible is obviously a bad idea. However, if you still like that person and don't want to end things just because of that (ending things with someone just because the sex is bad is ridiculous anyway in my opinion), you need to at least speak out on what you did and didn't like. Understandable, but it's still a major blow to anyone's ego. Also, saying that you want to teach him/her something new is never a bad thing. More often than not, he or she'll be willing to try something new anyway. Essentially, most people aim to please in the bedroom. Oh, and communication will save you in almost any situation.
Then there's the saying that "it takes two to tango." Okay, yeah. But if you have an awful partner, even the best leading can't save you.
What are your thoughts?
Also, any bad sex stories you're willing to share?
Mine isn't too bad, but I'll start everyone off: I dated a guy who lasted less than two minutes, and he still managed to get ridiculously sweaty all over me. Yes, it was so bad I started counting in my head. Try sleeping with that for two months and then some.
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: lighthours@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 2170 Comments: 0 31 View all posts by lighthours@xanga
Comments (31)
I would probably just emphasize on what he's doing that I do like & tell him to keep doing whatever feels best.
I was once with a guy and I really liked him.. but when it came to kissing he was a HORRIBLE kisser & guess what? The sex was horrible too.
I tried to steer him in the right direction when it came to intimacy, but I think he was just really blind at his awfulness. He thought he was amazing.
:/
Hope it works out for ya.
My boyfriend's and my first two experiences were very, very humorous. The first time we were going to have sex, I was on top of him. We were getting "warmed up" and he started to convulse. I looked down, and sure enough the evidence was there all over his belly. He just shrugged and was like, "Woops."
The second time (first actual time) lasted roughly 30 seconds.
Since then he's improved a lot, and we have plenty of time, but my hopes weren't high when we started out.
@RomanticVillain@xanga - Yeah, I dated a guy once that was a bad kisser and he acted like he was God's gift to women. He actually told me that he didn't want to hear if he was ever bad at anything and I couldn't suggest he do something else.
@i_r_keiko@xanga - Wow.. Sounds like someone was on an ego trip.
I hate when people are just so ignorant and unwilling to change. >:l
Lol, I don't have any experience, so I can't really say anything >.<
But, I kinda agree with what you had to say. You shouldn't tell them straight up that you didn't enjoy it/they were terrible, but you could always offer new techniques and whatnot.
well i was probably bad my first few times. lucky to have a communicative bf who is willing to listen, as well.
Far too many women "fake it" these days. They think that just because they're having sex they should be instantly orgasmic. Yeah, sorry, it doesn't work that way. If they were bad then they should know it. Guys who suck but are never told will never improve yet still think that they're Gods in bed.
Depending upon whether you want anything to do with them in the future, I suppose it's up to the teller to decide how to approach the tellee. Some people you can just gently guide into doing things right, other people just have to know how bad they suck for them to ever want to change. :)
Ha, I was with a guy once and he was GREAT at kissing, and other things.. lol but when it came to sex it was TERRIBLE.
like, to the extreme.
it sucked because I really liked him, but the bad sex completely ruined it for me.
If you want better sex, then you're gonna have to tell him. If you're fine with what you're getting, then don't. But know that it may bother you more as the relationship progresses.
I never told my ex that sex with him was terrible. lol I'm not on good terms with him, but I'd never tear down his self-esteem like that.
Eek! I've never dealt with this problem.
Worst sex I ever had, well the guy himself wasn't {well Okay, he Was a selfish prick in bed, but technique wasn't bad...} it was Everything else. I'm tall he's short, we were both very drunk, my bed was Tiny and absolutely Covered in clothes, and shoes, and random little jabby things. Not to mention we were walked in on twice, two seperate people got two seperate shoes to the face.
My now boyfrieds wonderful, and we have a queen sized bed :p
It's not fair to either party to lie about how good or bad someone is. They'd feel worse finding out you lied for months than you saying from the start, "Well, I reeally liked when you did x, y, and z, but I wasn't a fan of __. Would you mind trying __ next time we're in bed?"
Back when I sucked in bed (and I did, and it was a long time ago) it was all from fear and not being emotionally secure; if a girl had TOLD me that I sucked, it would have been crushing.
With more experience and more security in my own skin, I got better at it. Two things really were key there: first, I was curious about what made girls feel good. Second, I started running with experienced women :) and experienced women kick virgins BUTTS at everything except e-sex. Yes, I just said that.
Experienced women say things like, "Hey, what's that, you wanna go down on me? Great! Don't touch the clit til I'm begging!" and then for me it was a lock. Now I'm good in bed.
@WretchingUpMyOrgans@xanga - I Completely Disagree.
Wait until you have enough of a connection to, well, pretend you are re losing your virginiy. Then you should feel comfortable enough on both sides to handle constructive criticism, when that trust is established, and it's100% clear that you have good intentions by telling him. Otherwise, it'll really hurt to hear it on his side.
Hmmmm I say - bad in bed = breakup! Not worth it to have to teach someone....ew
Why don't you just not have sex with them again?
@j_barre@xanga - Totally agree!
I told my boyfriend he was bad at sex. We started having sex almost 1.5 years into the relationship. We're going on our 3.5 year anniversary. Yes he has improved since I've told him and we've become very sexually aware of each other. I don't mind at all how long the progress is taking because I still want to be with him and he's learned some great tricks. So if you're planning on staying together, then yes tell him/her because he/she can't get better on his/her own. If not, then I guess it's up to how long you can take it...
Sex is not a performance, as in...someone does it to you to entertain you. It's a joint deal, and we "owe" it to one another and to ourselves to share what works for us and what doesn't. It's not an insult to the partner to say "that doesn't work for me" it's just useful information so the experience can get better for both next time.
The fact that something doesn't work for you, doesn't mean that the partner is "bad" at what they do, just that a particular thing (that might be stellar for someone else) doesn't float your boat.
If you share the info the right way, it can be a building experience not a hurtful one.
My ex-boyfriend was bad at sex. I was never satisfied.
Now, me and my boyfriend of two years have an amazing sex life. It's because he listens to me and we try all sorts of shit. Not to mention he has really good stamina. We're both comfortable with each other too. There's not any awkward moments or anything.
I would like to know what I should do better, if I didn't do something right. Also I like to lead my lover in what I want him to do.
People need to be more open with what they want sexually. It shouldn't be awkward, it should be a learning experience.
I don't know how women go along with something they don't like. I would find it so horrible to fake it all of the time. It should be equally enjoyable for both parties. It's not fair for only one person to get off.
i'm very vocal and express my feelings a lot so yes, if i had a bad experience with someone, i would tell them gently.
Never had this problem, guess I'm lucky. Lead the person, just lead them. If it still sucks, wounding their ego will help them.
haha i just tell him that no clothes can come off and nothing happens below the chest (since he's horrible at anything past the bra)
Looks like I have more reason to wait ;]