Monday, 27 July 2009
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If I'm Clingy, What Are You?
To all the fellow "clingy" women and men out there, all I have got to say is: Girl/ Dude, I feel your pain. Most of the world think that we are the "bad guy" in the relationship, that we demand too much of the other person's time or/and attention, that we are annoying and "too much to deal with," that we are crazy and psychotic, that we are controlling and possessive. Well, we just want our significant other to be more affectionate and loving.
Why is it that most people will call you "clingy" when you do certain things? e.g: Calling your significant other more than s/he does, wanting to spend more time with the other person more than s/he does, etc. Pretty much, if your significant other does not want certain things as much as you, you are "clingy". But the world never points out that it might be their fault for not paying enough attention, not caring enough or not loving enough.
For the significant others who think...
... that we are crazy for calling you too much:
When was the last time you called? We want to know what is going on with your day or if you are simply okay, and when you intentionally ignore our calls, we of course would worry about your safety and such. Moreover, why is it wrong that we just want to say hi or hear your voice randomly, if you are not at work, in class or sleeping? And by the way, if you would return our calls, we wouldn't have to call "so many times" now, would we? Or if you would call in the first place, we wouldn't have to call you AT ALL. Do you honestly think that we ENJOY listening to the waiting tone or voicemail of your phone?... that we are too controlling and we "don't allow you to hang out with your friends":
We never want to control your life or tell you what to do with it. We get upset sometimes when you make plans with your friends disregarding us (me and you), e.g: We thought that we would hang out this weekend, after us being at work or school all week long and not seeing each other, but you do not seem to care when you make other plans. Why is it so hard for you to compromise? Like perhaps seeing your friends for a few hours during the day, then catch a movie with me at night. Instead, you spend the entire day playing video games or at the mall with your friends.... that we are too "needy" and "too much to deal with":
Frankly, we are not quite happy with you either. You are too cold and too distant. The reason why we are still with you is because we care about you and our relationship a lot, and we want to make it work, but you are not much of a help. At least we show you that we really do love you and enjoy your company.... that we are too "clingy":
Ask yourself if you still want to be in a relationship with us. You don't call. You don't seem to want to spend time with us. You don't seem to care if we don't see each other. Your friends spend more time with you than us. When we are "together", you are always on the phone with your friends (when we are outside) or playing video games with them (at home on Xbox Live). Seriously consider dating your friends, because we don't want to be with somebody that does not love or care to be with us.What do you think of this?
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- From: Baby_Rube@xanga
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Comments (318)
You worry because you care.
They think it's annoying because they want trust.
Or
They think it's annoying because they actually have something to hide.
Either or, I think, in my opinion, communications with logical and rational manner can solve this problem.
Tell it like it is, sister.
I totally agree with your Post. Everything you said is totally true. I hate being called Clingy it makes me feel like i care to much and somehow its wrong. Im happy that you talked about this because ive being wondering the same thoughts.
You tell em!
SO TRUE.
sometimes my boyfriend (who seems very much like the guy you described sometimes) calls me too clingy when i expect him to call or just text me if we haven't seen each other that day, or if i want to hang out with him for a day on the weekend because we don't see each other all the time during the weekdays because he'd almost always rather do something with his friends. UGH -___- and what's worse is that he often invites me to make himself (and me i guess) feel better about him canceling our plans, but then ignores me for most of the time he's hanging out with his friends. :( :(
some girls are actually clingy, i have to admit though -- like my
boyfriend's roommate's girlfriend. he literally is on the webcam with
her every night, almost every minute. she even watches him when he
eats, and he's her morning wake-up call every morning.
I've always felt "clingy" was a situational title. I love the double standard.
If I miss you and I call, and you miss me- it's thoughtful and caring.
If I miss you and I call, and you don't miss me- it's annoying and clingy.
If I drop by to surprise you and you're in a bad mood or feeling lonely- it's thoughtful and caring. If I drop by to surprise you and catch you with another guy- it's creepy and stalkerish.
I've been called clingy before. It's all about the other person, how your actions are perceived. Also, I once dated a girl who I felt was clingy. She had just lost her job, and was looking for work, but at the time, she didn't have a job. Because of that, she had a lot of free time on her hands, so she got bored easily, and would call me about every hour, or want to hang out all the time. I had a job, and an active social life, so I would have preferred hanging out every few days or so, and talking on the phone no more than once a day (she sat at home all day, every day, so there wasn't much new to talk about). About a week or two into it, I'd come home from work at 10:30 at night, and find her sitting there waiting for me, every night, unannounced. It was a bit much, so I ended it. Anyways, my point is that it's all relative. Things that are clingy to one person might be thoughtful to another, you just have to find someone who has the same idea of what a relationship entails.
^^
although my boyfriend has beengetting better recently. we had a huge fight about this and i told him he either likes me enough to want to hang out with me.. or if he really just doesn't hang out with me, it's just not going to work. and then he came around to it... :)
OUCH i am on the other side =/
but you really are right i never saw it this way.
These posts always seem to echo all my thoughts as of late! Kind of creepy.
Thanks for reminding me that I am not crazy for caring.
This is also where you have to ask yourself if he's "just not that into you"...
The clingy people I know have the problem that if you give them an inch they take a mile, nothing is ever enough with them. If you talk to them 5 times a day, they want it to be 10. If you see them 4 weekends in a row, Friday through Sunday, and then want to take part of the 5th weekend, just a part to spend time with someone who isn't them, they get pissed.
No, not all clingy people are like the ones I know, but not all clingy people are victoms of "uncaring, unfeeling, distant" boyfriends/girlfriends like you make it sound. You made it sound like clingy people are the way they are because of the person they CHOOSE TO DATE. And maybe some are, but not all.
There are all types of clingy people, and maybe the really needy clingy types just shouldn't date the ones that like more space than the clingy ones can deal with, no matter how much they like them.
I have dated people who were clingy, and they drove me nuts, I could never give them enough time or enough of me to satisfy them. I have also dated those that are distant, some emotionally, a few physically due to long distance relationships. I can't deal with either well, but given a choice, I will take a bit distant over clingy any day.
i've been categorized as clingy, but i really don't give a damn about it. if he doesn't like that i want to talk to him, hang around with him, and just enjoy our time together then maybe he shouldn't be in the relationship with me.
Awesome post!
To a degree, it's okay. There's a big bold line between clingy and obsessive.
Thats true, tell it like it is!
This was on spot! "Clingy" must just be another excuse guys use to ignore our questions...
Love sometimes makes us insecure in this way when the other party isn't very affectionate or supportive. Be strong girl! If he's not treating you right find one that will =) fighting!
(Y)!
Fuck yes. Finally!! It's about damn time someone wrote this. Thank you. You expressed my exact sentiments. Shit, I take back all the apologies I gave out. *ahem* excuse my French. I'm glad someone from the other side speaks out.
Apparently I'm clingy. =\
I think you're very very right. You pretty much nailed it.
Isn`t there middle ground between "too controlling" and "too cold and too distant"?
If you have to resort to being clingy to find time to spend with your other half, why are together to begin with? Yes, there are times when work and school may collide and result in a busy schedule,which is why you might have to call so many times, but if this happens frequently, there is obviously something wrong.
If s/he is willing to make the relationship work, I guarantee you would not have to work as hard as you do to spend time with him/her.
I'm clingy, but luckily my boyfriend doesn't get sick of me.
Today has been one of those rare days that we haven't seen/talked to each other. Usually we at least talk once. Or hang out for an hour. Usually we're just together as much as possible. Makes life more comfortable.
I'd urge you to reread your own post. You don't appreciate being labeled clingy yet you label the other type of person as unaffectionate and cold. See, it's just a matter of opinion and a variation in personality. Neither type of person is wrong or bad, and if they get together and this is a constant source of stress, they should both move on and find someone who is more in synch with their style of relating.
I think that my inner self is a bit clingy, but I control my behavior, and am learning to be more comfortable, relaxed and trusting of my relationships..which is helping me overcome my inner panic, which was what drove MY clinginess. Other people may cling for different reasons, and may not be better off working to change it. It has been better for ME to learn to let it flow more than my original inclination used to let me do.
I really value the opportunity to get to know a partner, and how they operate and let them love me the way that they do. To let them be them, authentically and not try to push them into some mold of what I think a partner should be. So I don't make those types of demands on them. And, if time shows me that our styles are really incompatible, I move on.
This isn't just in "love" relationships, the same rules go for any friendship in my life.
If you ever feel like you "need" to be clingy in a relationship, it's quite a good sign that the relationship isn't working. Whether or not it's the other person's fault or whatever is irrelevant; if they aren't "loving" you enough, well maybe they just don't love you enough. The problem with clingy people is that it really does highlight an inequality in a relationship and a relationship with uneven emotion will only cause pain - let it go.
The answer to the title -> "If I'm Clingy, you're dumped!"
There is a book called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. The premise is, there are five different personalities as to how we perceive we are loved. What says love to you; physical touch, or someone giving you quality time, or words of affirmation, or gifts, or acts of service? Different personality types will overlook the best love offered! I can't recommend this and his other books highly enough.
Meaning, maybe she's not clingy, and maybe he's not ignoring her. Maybe they speak a different language.
I think there is a fine line between clingy and obsessive. I used to be obsessive, but now I've toned it down to slightly clingy at times. I'll always want to spend time with my SO, but I will respect his need to have some alone time to himself, let him do whatever he wants, because I need that alone time too, even though I don't realize it. I've ruined 2 good relationships with my problem, and with a 3rd he could keep up with my clingy ways but realized we were not made for one another due to differences. That in itself should remind me to have a happy medium in a relationship. It's okay to do it in a loving sense (want to spend time together whilst being thrown into the craziness that is life), but one shouldn't go overboard.