Miss Rhino
Dealing with the ex. It's the undesirable ménage à trois that is always tricky to maneuver with grace. Out of sight, out of mind is the best case scenario. But life is rarely that simple.
My friend has recently set up shop in Argentina with her boyfriend (a native born and bred) for the summer. They met a year ago when she studied abroad, and their relationship has stayed strong even through the distance, separation and Visa misunderstandings. But now that she has moved in with him for the summer, drama has been stirred up with his ex. Not only his ex, but his baby's momma.
Ever since the two were introduced, Baby Momma has had nothing good to say about the new girlfriend. Forget the pleasantries. This lady came out of the gate running with articulate insults such as: "whore, gross and messy hair, she looks like a servant."
She looks like a servant? Seriously? What does that even mean? I'm hoping that was just a poor Spanish to English translation.
My friend decided to face this straight on and write her a message. Her SO assured her that the language barrier was almost non-existent as Baby Momma had a good handle on the English language. So she constructed a mature and sincere request asking her to stop with the bad-mouthing and hoped things would end there.
The next day Baby Momma called up her ex and let him know that his new girlfriend needed some English classes because her message was so poorly written. The insults never stop coming with this one. But the joke was on her this time. Baby Momma was unaware that the messy-haired servant was actually a Delaware-native from the states. He should have offered Baby Momma some English-language tutoring sessions with her. Just to knock her down a peg.
Even through all the bickering, my friend knows that she needs to establish a friendship (or at least an understanding) with Baby Momma as she is obviously a huge part of her SO's life. She attempted maturity and then watched as it got brutally shot down. If that didn't work, she's not sure what will.
When your SO's ex is an unfortunate and unavoidable part of life, what is the best course of action to keep the peace? Is there any way to win them over or are you forced to be the ever-hated new girlfriend/boyfriend forever?
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Comments (23)
I feel your friend's best course of action would be to keep the white flag waving, ignore any remarks made, and turn the other cheek when said baby momma starts wailing. Could take years....but bully's always get bored.
In my case...my baby-daddy (<--- loathe that term) was always a big puss in front of my husband. So I never got to lead that army into the battlefield.
My friend has recently set up shop in Argentina with her boyfriend (a native born and bred) for the summer. I believe it is more correct to say, "born and raised." Although, he did breed. No clue on the ex thing.
oh i loathe the ex issues. i was never the bad ex, i just don't care after the relationship is over, but my last relationship, my ex's ex-gf never went away. i blame both of them. he never really said much when she's around because she was always catering to him when he needed someone to do that. and she never stopped coming around because she was a psycho bitch. she hated me because she said that i stole her bf from her, but really what happened was he was just trying new things out. since they hung around mutual friends, she would always be hanging around, making rude comments and always trying to start a fight with us. so eventually that caught up to both of us, and one of us had to leave. for me, it was easy to leave because i didn't want the drama. i had enough. plus he wasn't worth fighting for. i realized that there's no point to be a jealous ex when the other person's moved on. if it didn't work, what makes you think it's ever going to work?
Being nice or sucking up to the ex isn't going to solve anything. Just ignore her until she comes around. All your friend need is time, when the ex realizes that it's serious between the two of them. It's almost testing him.
Well I think her approach was the right thing to do but probably a very bad time to do it in. I was in a "similar" not so similar situation. my SO has a baby momma as well and at first she didnt like me gave it round id say two years before I even attempted to talk to her....GUESS WHAT!!! we are now probably the closest of friends......... it all takes time and understanding plus dedication to not have that DRAMA in there....both ppl have to be willing to the compromise otherwise there is nothing but war!
oh, i know how your friend feels.
expect i've to deal with two of them. but not really deal with, since they hardly ever come around. they are shitty mothers.
there is really not much you can do to get along with them. if they still have feelings for the ex (which most do, if they are acting stupid and crazy with you) they will always feel like you are taking their boyfriend away and they will hate you non stop for it.
i just smile and ignore it. what they think of me doesn't matter.
xo
@TruthNeverTold@xanga - I agree
So...baby momma lives with him? What about the kid?
*singsong* Awkward.
She's dating the guy, not her. She doesn't need to please the baby momma.
well, there really isnt much you can do if he has an batshit crazy baby-momma, she has just got to ask the boyfriend not to relay that information, or rather to ask her to refrain from being disrespectful if your friend cant get through Onlt timje will tell if baby-momma is gonna get over herself and get over baby-daddy.
just try to be the mature one and be nice to them. you dont know what they're going through and what's in their head
lol never met my SO's exes.
though, i did meet my ex's SO, so i was the ex! she probably hated me. it was my ex's bday, (we're still good friends till now), went to a friend's house to celebrate his bday. and there was tequila. she knew we dated. and let's just say i spilled too many beans? ahaha next day, i realized she was adding me on facebook! i was like WTF?! what does she want with me? my other friends think, to stalk our pics or something hahaha
but back on the issue. just be civil. i tried! but tequila got in the way!!! =/ lol
she can only try to be respectful, and maybe show the ex what it's like to be gracious and civil.
Just one question. Why isn`t he doing anything about it?
Sometimes, girls are so irrational.
Sorry, but if the bitch crossed my line twice, that's it. I'm not going to suck up and tolerate her ugly ass attitude when I have done nothing wrong but fall into the arms of the baby's daddy. They're not an item anymore so she needs to grow up and get over it.
I don't think any friendship or peace will be establish over them. She can let his baby's mama push her around or stand up for herself (which imo, she and everyone should do regardless if they are dating the baby's daddy or not). If she lets the bitch push her around, the bitch will exactly do that.
@macphoto@xanga - "Born and bred" and "born and raised" mean the same thing. Look it up and lighten up.
@OHdani@xanga - Sorry about that...I meant to add a wink to that...it was meant as a little tongue in cheek.
Why get into a relationship that comes half-filled? It seems to me that if you're going to get yourself into something such as this where a child and an ex are involved it would be understood that this is the way it could be. In any case, girl or guy, I would drop whichever party had too much baggage in order to focus on somebody who could give all their attention to me. It's the wise but classic "drop that zero and get with a hero" theory.
By the way the comment above that is "Bitch this" and "Bitch that" makes me giggly. Throw in Mr. Springer and we have ourselves a sold out show.
@coconut_dream@xanga - What you said!
I suggest she pull out the big guns. In all of my unpleasant experiences with people like said baby mama, I've always been courteous at first. If that failed, I very bluntly told the person how it was going to be with me around. Baby mama comes with the package so she either allows to be treated like crap just to be with him or give the lady a taste of her own medicine and have a decent shot at peace. Just remember that it goes the other way around too, your friend is now a part of the package and baby mama better start accepting it!
Are you sure "ménage à trois" is the phrase you're looking for?
i will never date anyone with a child!
I think this is one of the reasons why I don't find a guy with a previous relationship resulting in a dramatic ex (babymama) and the baby attractive or appealing, no matter what my reasonable rationale may say.
WHY isn't the guy helping her out? If he wants his new SO to be a part of his life as much as he wants to be involved in his CHILD's life, I don't understand why Babymama is living in their place WITH them. Was that always an agreed term? If so, why doesn't he CLARIFY the status of which she (babymama) will be welcome if and only when her manners KICK in to make his SO feel like his SO and not a person that "looks like a servant." PLUS she tried being polite, maybe she should just make it clear to Babymama that she's just THE BABY's MAMA and not the SO's wifey or his mother. Make her know what her role is in his life and what your friend's status is in his. It would help if HE does the traffic control so she doesn't have to put up with her crappy banter with obscene things.
BTW did anyone figure out what that means? Just tell your friend that if the babymama continues to bahave like an uneducated tramp off the tracks, perhaps it's the pot calling the kettle black in labeling your friend as a servant looking "etc etc". Sometimes, ppl see themselves in others when they shout out rude, obscene things to them when they're wrapped in envy, jealous or bitterness.