Sunday, 26 July 2009
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Is Culture Really That Important?
This question has been argued between my parents and I for years now, and I can't help but wonder if maybe they're true now that I'm getting older. I am an Arab, and in the Arabic culture, it seems to be very important to marry into your own culture and religion; especially religion. Now I understand the religion aspect of that - you want to raise kids under one religion, it will be easier to have beliefs in the same thing, having similar faith is just a good foundation to build up on.
I used to think all of that wasn't important, that if you fall in love, that's it. Nothing else matters. So yeah, I guess I'm kind of a dreamer. I ended up dating someone who was definitely not my culture. He was anything but. And we dated for almost two years, and I thought I loved him. Throughout our relationship, though, I did notice the vast difference in ideologies and methods of doing certain things. Simple things like discussions ended up hurting my feelings because things that were said to me seemed to be very... I don't know, I just wasn't used to the way he said things. I took it as disrespectful.
So when I go to talk about this with my mom, because God knows what my dad would do if he found out I was dating a white guy, she tells me that culture is a very important aspect in a relationship. Brown people with brown people, Asians with Asian, blacks with black. She said that they just understand each other more, because the traditions are the same, language is (not all the time of course) is the same, everything is just that much more symbiotic.
I guess I understand that to an extent, especially after our breakup, but I mean, that was one bad relationship. Should I base my judgment on this relationship? Should I just start dating only Arabs?What about you, have you ever been in this situation? What did you ultimately ending up choosing?
Let me know, I'd really like to read your insight :)
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- From: sarahhafuth@xanga
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Comments (38)
Much as we hate to admit it, culture is important to a certain extent.
Since your family is very religious (and so are you, I'm assuming) then it is definitely important to find someone of similar culture. But, don't rule out other cultures yet. Just because he doesn't speak the same language as you doesn't mean he isn't willing to do that. Date whoever you're interested in, and bring up the subject early. It might sound weird to do that, but you don't want to get really into a relationship only to find out that you have to break it off for cultural differences.
But really, who knows? Maybe you'll find a white guy who loves you so much that he'll adapt for you. After all, remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding? :D
I've never been in your situation as it relates to religion/culture, but in the broader sense of compatibility I'll say this:
It depends on how much religion and culture matter to you. How much are these things present in your everyday life? Would you say the driving forces in your life are religion and culture? If that's the case, then from a pragmatic standpoint yes, dating people with similar beliefs and backgrounds would make sense. However, if you don't intend to structure your life around these traditions, I imagine you could be very happy with someone who is simply open to your culture. Some couples find ways to integrate and honor separate faiths, even with children.
My advice to you would be, for now, to continue to date people you feel a connection to regardless of faith and culture. Think about the role religion and culture play in your life now, and how you want them to influence your life in the future. Be open about this with your partners--casually mention that if you ever have kids you want to raise them with your religion (or whatever, that's just an example.) If later down the road you decide that coming from similar backgrounds and having the same faith is important to you, that's fine, but don't exclude whole groups of people off of one bad experience.
My parents would disown me if they found out I wasn't dating an Asian.
Besides, just a question, but I thought 'browns' (meaning Indian) were Asians, too... ?
I have no religion and barely a culture so I'll do what I want! mwhaha
@S0N1@xanga - I thought Asians were Yellow?
I think that dating someone of a different culture is totally OK & acceptable as long as both parties have respect for the others culture. I would not date someone who put down everything I believed in, nor would I want to date someone who I thought believed in total none sense.
We're in a time were all animals of the jungle are getting together. It's no longer about stripes or spots but about whats inside.
@GiantUnicorn@xanga -I don't know why people even call other people by colors, they should be identifying them by what country/continent they're from. Asians come in all 'colors' and have different characteristics. Indians are as Asian as Chinese people are.
@S0N1@xanga - I still have to check an ethnicity box on the SAT's. Things won't be changing in this lifetime.
My boyfriend is Afghan and I'm Canadian. We've been together for about a year and half.
I understand where you're coming from with the hurtful discussions. We do have our differences, but we also have our similarities. We joke and say I should've been born Afghan, because I'm not like any Canadians he knows. We've talked about marriage, and we've talked about situations that could come up and we've even talked about me converting religions (it was my idea - I started thinking about it before I even met him).
So, for now, we're still happy together. We're slowly learning more and more about the other's culture and way of living and thoughts. We occassionally have arguments related to the cultural differences, but somehow we manage to get over it...
Personally, I think that dating my own culture is boring. There's nothing to learn. With my boyfriend, I learn something new everyday, and I love it.
I've never dated someone from a different culture, but one of my best friends is Vietnamese. Her fiance is white. They seem to have no problems. Of course, you don't always know what goes on behind closed doors, but they don't seem to have any issues with culture, and in fact, they just plain get along perfectly. I wouldn't rule out someone just because of their culture. You can make it work if it's meant to.
-Katie
@S0N1@xanga - Hmm? Because when you say Asian it produces a different image that doesn't say "Indians." Also many Asians would argue against that statement. Like what you just said, Asians don't just include Chinese you should have added Japanese, Korean (South), Hmong, Thai, Vietnamese, Philipino, and among various others. However generally most people think Asians as Chinese, Japanese, and Korean mainly because they're more globally active. It is hard to tell the differences sometimes. Sue me because I can't tell your ethnicity at first sight, well unless you speak it then I'll have a chance to guess.
@Pcgecko85@xanga - Here here! =D
Culture is important, but at that, I don't think it's impossible to be with somebody outside if your culture. It may be more work than simply picking someone who already understands your customs, but when two people from different cultures marry, i feel that it should also be two cultures joining. I don't think there should be the loss of one culture or another, and I know that if i were ever to have kids, I would want to instill some sort of Chinese culture and tradition in them whether or not I married a Chinese man or not.
culture is really important to my parents when it comes to marriage but they're starting to accept that sometimes love goes beyond the culture lines that binds us. if i were to be completely honest if i would stay within my culture and marry someone who spoke the same language and understood my culture, i'm just not so sure anymore. i'm sort of torn in between that because a part of me wants to be completely satisfied with the person i choose and then the other part of me wants the culture part to matter too so we can understand each other. i've had relationships with many different kinds of cultures and haven't really made up my mind to really say that i'm going to settle for this particular person. it also means that i'm not ready to settle down yet or he hasn't come by yet.
It's definitely easier to go out with someone from your own culture. I dated a Russian guy once (I'm Chinese) and we got along pretty well for a while. We enjoyed discussing the differences between our cultures. Ultimately, though, I think culture was one of the reasons why we broke up. We just couldn't adapt to each others' mentalities.
It actually depends.
I am going out with a caucasion (well let's see.. his family is from Italy, Spain, Israel..) person..But I am not one to stick with something simply because it is "culture". I don't think we should stereotype others, but more importantly.. ourselves.
I would be quite offended if someone found out my family background as being Bengali-Muslim and stereotyped me by thinking I was a sexually repressed, conservative, proud (family image pride) girl with no interest in philosophy and with no interests except to make money and watch Bollywood. (Yes, these are stereotypes people find within my culture).So should we be doing that to others when we choose who we date? Absolutely not. My BF and I come from different cultures, yes, but we share the right values - mutual respect, the right balance of give-and-take, intrinsic value in learning, a general open-mindedness, etc.. We both try to think rationally, and we both share a general thinking pattern that of course isn't exactly the same, but is enough to keep things interesting and keep us going. If you are the type of person that clings on to culture/tradition and does not like to look at things differently - then obviously dating outside of culture.. or really, even within your own culture where the person is not stereotypical (me for example - I can't get along with a lot of desi people who are very culture-oriented because our thinking patterns are incredibly different - but I don't close myself off to friendships with other desi people, I just choose my friends based on values and character, etc) I think staying within cultural norms without reason to (for example, some cultures sacrifice animals - I don't agree with it so why should I participate in it? Simple because it is a cultural "norm"?) - is very empty - it's comfort. It's incredibly easy to stay within a religious ideology or cultural norm because it is something you are born into and it doesn't require critical analysis.. If you choose to, however, analyze your beliefs and values, I highly doubt anyone would agree 100% with the culture they have been born into. If they do, it is most likely because they have closed themselves off to any other sort of thinking or perspective. I think sticking to your own culture "just because" is weak and irrational.. Some people say that they would rather do so because it is "easier" - yes, but that does not make it better.. that's a cop-out. I've had bad experiences with people in general from all cultures, that doesn't mean I'm going to close myself off to the world because I think that people from all these cultures are people I'd rather not associate myself with. That's very shallow and empty.I don't think culture creates problems unless you make it a problem. Most of my friends are asian americans (and this is probably because I'm asian american, too), and I'll probably marry an asian american because I tend to have better relationships with asian americans, but it's only chance. If I meet an arab who I click with perfectly and have the same values as, I'll marry him.
@S0N1@xanga - Usually people mean oriental when they say asian, and indian when they mean indian. Technically indians are asians, too, but I mean, so are Russians. It's just easier to be on the same page with people these days if you differentiate between asian and indian.
It depends, honestly. If I felt that a person and I were compatible enough despite culture differences, then the relationship would be fine. I'd hold a relationship with a person of a different culture up to the same standard that I would hold a relationship with someone of my own culture.
i'm chinese and buddhist and my ex was bengali and muslim. two different ends of the spectrum right? we dated for 2 years and got along very well. religion was rarely, and i mean rarely a conflicting problem (maybe because we weren't very religions?). anways, when we broke up it was cause of other issues, nothing to do with religion.
Should I base my judgment on this relationship?
- yes and no. take this relationship as a learning experience. before you thought religion wouldn't be as important, that only love matters, but dating him showed you differently.
Should I just start dating only Arabs?
- dating (as to date, and not to marry/court) i say go for it.
What about you, have you ever been in this situation?
- yes, but it never bothered us.
What did you ultimately ending up choosing?
- can you be more specific with this question? are you asking if i stayed with him or broke it off? to DATE i would have continued seeing him. to MARRY, i would probably want someone as the same religion as me.
Yes, culture is a very important thing, but I don't think it's impossible to have a bicultural (?) relationship. I too, am of Arab decent. But I'm only half. My dad's Egyptian, but my mom is white. I see that their marriage failed, predomitatly for cultural differences, and worry. I am a blend of both my parents' cultures though, so I don't really worry too much about the culture thing. I'm dating a white guy right now and though it doesn't bother me or him, his family does bring up the fact that I'm not fully of ayrian decent like them, and my dad has always said that he wishes I would find a nice Egyptian boy. But like I said, I'm not too worried about it. I think the only time culture gets in the way of a relationship is when both people are very rooted in their culture. This is why my parents didn't work out: my mom's a devout Catholic, and my father is Muslim. They argued all the time about whether I would get baptized Catholic and whatnot. But the reason why my boy and I work is because though we are both into our culture, we have a lot in common, and have no religous differences (we're both athiests but were raised Catholic). So honestly, I think a lot of it comes down to religion, not culture.
Culture is really important, especially when you're so religious. My parents (and most parents) would love for their child to choose the same race or cultural background, but sometimes it's difficult because you like a person different from your culture. I am Chinese and my boyfriend is Korean, we're both Asian, but our cultural background or the way we were raised is very different. In the beginning (sometimes even now), we have arguments because we didn't understand each other very well. However, I think that as long as you learn to adapt to each other and respect each other's cultural background, then you will be able to be together (or live together).
Gosh, I am in the same situation right now. I'm Pakistani but my SO is Serbian and a quarter-Japanese... but you could just call him white to make things simpler. My parents would never approve. I agree about religion; religion should be the same for two partners cos it makes things simpler, but culture... I'm not too sure about this. I don't think culture is important when you love someone, or even when you care about them deeply. Because that's not what brings you two together. And I like my SO because he is sweet and gentle; culture is a minimal factor. Unfortunately, I could never stand up to my parents about this. It doesn't matter if we both follow the same religion; culture is what rules him out as a partner completely.
And that sucks.
I don't see how "Brown people with brown people, Asians with Asian..." has anything to do with culture. Well...I guess I can see, but then it just limits people to date within their own race. I'm half Arab and my husband is black and our families are very different. I guess it works though because we have a lot of the same ideas. And just because we "learned" certain stuff from our families doesn't mean we have to incorporate that into our marriage. We start our own "traditions" or whatever and we just go from there. No, I don't think you should base your judgment on this one relationship. I think a big part more than culture though is religion. My husband and I are both Christians so a lot of our ideologies are the same. I don't think I could be with someone who was a different religion just because I know it can get difficult with the whole, well I believe in this and this is how it should be done, etc...
There is no universal rule. What matters is how important it is to YOU. Not anyone else. If what your parents think matters to you, then that's also a factor.
I've never dated out of my culture, i can't find someone who has enough of the same interest and is similar enough to me to actually date them with interest.
Culture definatly is a major factor, it helps you understand each other more, experieces and such,
However more practical/creative people may find cross culture good as you can share the experiences for original idea's.
Depends on each individual really, can people out of your culture understand you well like people within your own culture,
Just dont let this thought stop you from dating anyone!
@S0N1@xanga - You are so right. Indians are most definitely Asians, too.
I dated someone from outside the culture and it was a very interesting experience, I got to know a lot about his culture and vice versa.Family-wise, his family and my family were really open about it. Dad didn't care who I dated as long as I'm happy. Plus, my ex can get along with him well. So.. eventho culture is pretty important in certain aspects, understanding and loving each other are more important in my opinion.
Of course it would be easier IF your SO speaks the same language with you, has the same religion and whatnot, but we can't control who we're going to love right? And who is willing enough to love us without being told. Sometimes it just happens.
Go for it. Date the PERSON that you really LIKE and can make you happy because I'm sure in the end your family especially your dad wants you to be happy.