Friday, 24 July 2009
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Should I End It or Wait for Him?
I am 33 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together exclusively for 5 1/2 years. We are back and forth pertaining the idea of settling down. Or actually, he is back and forth concerning this matter. Sometimes he talks about marriage and kids or at least living together, and other times he says things like he might just want to be alone and that he doesn't feel like being bothered with a girlfriend. He also changes his mind about where he wants to live. He does not want to move closer to my work. He wants me to get a job closer to where he wants to live in the city.
The problem is he doesn't have a secure job and I do. We were going to move in together this summer but because of money and convenience he moved in with his brother and says he is going to do the bachelor thing before we move in together. He says that this is not about dating other girls but about being able to just do his own thing. I think he is scared to move in with me. Now I feel like why should I look so intently for a closer job when I don't know if he will ever want to move in with me anyway.
I admit I am a little on the needy side. I need a lot of attention and ask a lot of questions. I tend to get very paranoid and sometimes jealous. I have always been this way but I feel that his inconsistency on the outcome of our relationship makes me even more on edge and insecure. This seems to push him away though.
Right now he is going through an "I don't know what I want" thing again. He says he is not ready to settle down. I am starting to panic though because I want to move forward so bad and it is just not happening. I don't know if it is our age difference, or maybe I am just not the one for him. I don't know if I should end it and search for what I want elsewhere, or just try to chill and wait for the guy I love to be ready.What do you think?
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- From: kokoni8
- Name: vivo8
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Comments (55)
Sit down and have a REAL talk with him. He'll have to open up to you sooner or later, anyway.
Also, ask yourself if you really do see him as the One for you. If there's doubts, he's probably not.
must be something with teh age difference. esp since 5 yrs ago he was realllllly young. he probably feels like he missed out on getting to do those stupid things guys do & got into a long term relationship. it happens..
i agree with having a REAL talk with him. if youre ready & hes not, why settle for less?
Have a marshmallow war.
It's fun.
Wow, for one. Don't let him control. I personally feel like he's being stupid and I'd call him out on his stupidity not giving a shit if he gets offended or not. The only thing that's gonna solve this is communication. Let him know how you feel and do not let him control your wishes. If you have to be the only one bending backwards to make the relationship work, then you have an even bigger problem. Maybe you should let the marriage thing go for a long while. He's clearly not ready.
i agree about sitting him down for a longer convo. no, it's not going to be fun, but it might provide more insight. try changing the way you talk to him (use more specific words, don't assume he knows what you're talking about and don't let him assume you do either). maybe instead of saying that you can sometimes be needy, paranoid, or jealous, say that you would like for him to occasionally reassure you that your relationship is what he wants, that in trying to anticipate how he feels you might become prone to worrying that his feelings will not match your own, or that your insecurities stem from your desire to find a stable foundation for your relationship to stand upon.
and remember that everyone deserves to be chosen.
I'd say end it, you don't want to push him into something he doesn't want.
stick it out. or let him go for a bit, then after letting him sweating it out and regretting it, take him back. he probably are just scared of commitment.
I'm in the same situation as you are. I agree, it's no fun. I am 21 and my boyfriend is almost 23. We just moved into our first apartment a little over a month ago, & we're on the topic of engagement now. He's indifferent about it, while I have been ready for 2 years. I'm just like you, needy & I ask a lot of questions...
but I hope all goes well with you & I wish you the best of luck!
End it.
@boricua_chic_2008@xanga - I completely agree with you on that.
He definitely sounds like he's unsure of what he wants. :\ You should really talk with him about this because it's not fair that you're ready to take the relationship further and he isn't.
@sonieau@xanga - I agree.
You've been with him like for donkey years and he's still fickle minded. I know love can tear you up inside but hey i think you deserve someone better.
p.s. if your love does not work with that person, it just means that someone else loves you more. :)
i've always believed that after being with someone for so many years and you're still in the phase, "i don't know what i want" it's time to move on and really find out what you want. sometimes letting go of the person you love most is one of the hardest thing but if you're not completely satisfied, then there's no point in being with that person.
@damson9@xanga - You've been with him like for donkey years and he's still fickle minded.
That part just cracked me up. Thanks.
If five and a half years is not long enough for him to even make a step forward, why waste more of your time? You could have a serious talk with him, you could sit on the sideline and wait for him till he's ready, but please do not sacrifice anything for him when he's in doubt. I don't think I would sacrifices anything for anyone until we say our "I dos" to each other but that's just me. Har har. I'm shallow like that.
Maybe the age factor does play a little part in it but for all I know, it's totally up to the individual to want and be ready to make a commitment to someone they love. I hitched my husband when he was 23. Super young but he sure made a good darn husband then and now.
I'm amazed that all of these people are telling you to have a talk with him. The time for talking is done. You need to leave him ASAP! If he is still not sure after 5 1/2 years with you about whether or not he is in this for the long haul, he is NEVER going to know. He even said to you that he "might not want to be bothered with a girlfriend." How much clearer does he need to be?? You already wasted 5 1/2 years of your life, don't waste any more!
I agree with the comments above. Seriously, if after 5 1/2 years he still can't decide if he wants to commit to you, I don't think that he does. And the fact that you have put up with his immature, fickle crap for this long doesn't help--as long as you are willing to take it and still be with him, he will continue to treat you this way. He knows he isn't ging to lose you, so he doesn't have to change. You can stay in this dead-end relationship until your guy decides to grow up, or you can move on and treat yourself to a man who knows what he wants.
@ichigo705@xanga - Thanks for your reply. Glad someone sees it like I do. If you'd like to add me you can. Take care!
he's 27 and you've been together almost 6 years.
wth
@mewithoutu77@xanga - i agree with this 100%. time to cut her losses and move on. he will never come around and if he did...i feel the marriage will bomb
@boricua_chic_2008@xanga - i see it the same way as both of you. and that is my guy view point.
One last talk. Stay is he's sincere about wanting you. Leave if he's still undecided. You need someone on the same level as you. He's a couple levels below...
U guys should talk before u end it. Its always easier said than done. I'm sure u love the guy, being with him for almost 6yrs. But I think u should let him know of these concerns, and if he's still doesn't know, then I guess, u gotta let him go.
But if u do decide to wait for him, just make sure that it won't be too long and that u enjoy that time waiting.. But lots of ppl before me already say end it, only you could truly know what to do. Hope it works out!
Well, I can understand what you're saying. First of all, you're waiting for a person who is unsure of what they really want in life. If you're putting yourself to open your place for him and he doesn't pull his weight you're going to be very unhappy. Okay, So you're 33 and it's obvious you love him and are willing to take the next step. Can you see yourself with him in your future? One of my strongest points to deciding to wait or not wait for me would be... Do you want to have children? If you would like some I would say leave him because his indecisiveness will get you no where and less likely a stable home especially emotionally for kids. Now, if you don't want any and he doesn't either and you want to wait for him them do it. But it is a waste of time if you're just waiting and hurting your heart from it.
I think that if he is unsure if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then he doesn't deserve to be with you now.