Thursday, 23 July 2009
-
Dear Dr. Datingish: What If My Parents Say No?
I am 21 years old, and I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now. We really want to get married, and he is going to propose to me this summer. We are so excited about spending our lives together. There is just one problem.
I never broached the subject of an engagement with my parents. He and I are pretty sure my parents will not be happy about us getting married now. They will say we're rushing things, that we shouldn't rush to get married, and whatnot. I still haven't even told my parents that we've been talking about marriage. Now my boyfriend is uncomfortable with the idea of proposing without knowing whether or not my parents will accept it, and I really want to set his mind at ease. He wants me to ask my parents how they would feel about an engagement. I don't know how to do this, and I'm scared to do this because I don't want them to forbid it and make me hurt him.I have been the most obedient daughter I could be. I've never stepped far out of line, and I've always done what was expected of me. Because of this, and the fact that I am the youngest of 4, and my other three siblings have all messed up in one way or another, I think my parents still have this idea that I am a baby, that they need to shelter me. Somehow I get the vibe that marriage is not in their plans for me right now. My mom says things about my peers whom I graduated with, who have gotten married, like how stupid they are... But I want to get married, and the feeling is not going to go away, and I don't see why I should wait any longer. I also think that because my mom got married late (at age 31), she wants me to do the same thing...and I don't want to.I guess my question is, how do I broach the subject with my mom and my dad? How do I tell them that at 21 years old, it is time for me to start making my own decisions and living my own life?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (34)
Why dont you just go up to your mom and talk about it first then she will talk to your dad about it and see what happens if you do it that way tell one parent and the one parent will tell the other parent.
Meh, don't know what to tell you - I recently got married, and I'm younger than you, and it was a very whirlwind sort of thing - we'd been discussing it for a very long time, and finally said, "Fuck it, let's do it now", and got married a week later.
We went to my parents' house, told them, they looked...confused, angry, whatever, and I said, "This is our day. We're taking one day to celebrate and finalize our love for one another, and if you're not going to be celebrating with us, please don't ruin the day by coming."
They took about half an hour or so to get used to the idea, but totally came around and my wedding day was fantastic. Sometimes, blunt is best.
You are an adult so have an adult conversation with your parents. Sit them down, tell them that you have been talking about marriage and would really appreciate their support. They may surprise you.
If they say they don't like it, oh well. Instead of asking their permission to start living your life the way you want to, just do it. There are much worse things you could be doing besides getting married.
@whitetrashpoet@xanga - I guess basically, my point is that your love should be important enough that your parents saying "no" for any reason other than "he's abusive/cheating/etc" shouldn't affect your decision. Your life, not theirs, and if they respect you at all, they'll respect your decision.
Don't tell them anything. Elope. And then rub it in their faces.
It's your life, you should do what makes you happy.
You're an adult. If you approach it like a child, they're sure to treat you like one. Talk to both of them together. Have your boyfriend with you. Explain why you both want to get married now. You don't need your parents' blessing, but I'm sure it would be nice.
How do you tell them that you're 21 and it's time to start making your own decisions and living your own life? By DOING it. I can't be the only one who feels this way, but if I was 21 and wanted to get married, I wouldn't care whether my parents thought it was foolish or not. I'd hear what they had to say, I'd consider it, but I wouldn't say, "Oh, I'm not getting married right now because mom said so."
So, go up to your parents and be the mature adult that you are. Maybe express to them that you would like them to not treat you like a child if you must. Tell them you're wanting to get engaged next summer, that you're wanting to get married to this guy. Like others have said, give them reasons. Explain to them that you know marriage isn't a game and that you'll have your bumps. You've waited three years, that's longer than what a lot of other people wait.
ohman this is tough. 21 is pretty young and i understand why your parents would freak out or say no. but as the previous comment said, have ur man talk to your parents too. its important for your parents to know this guy's intentions with u, besides the obvious marriage. i'm sure they just wanna hear "how are u gonna take care of my daughter once ur married. are u gonna be able to support her and feed her, etcetc"
man i sound like a mom! goodluck!
You are twenty-one, your parents should ready see you as an adult. Just tell them what your decision is and your plans. You love this man and want to marry him, right? Opinions are opinions, your parents might hate the idea or want you to put it off, but it's your life. Do what you think is right.
When I was nineteen, I told my parents (whom I live with) if it was alright to travel to see my boyfriend and my dad told me, "i prefer you not too, but you arre an adult and you can make your own decisions." Maybe they won't be so strict and hardcore about it, maybe you should talk to them first alone, then have a second conversation about marriage with your boyfriend there, so they know he is serious.
good luck.
xo
I think get your parents opinion but if they don't agree do what you think is best. I did ask my boyfriend once if he asks my parents and they said no what would he do. He said he would tell them 'Too bad, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.' haha. Having said that, I dont think my boyfriend would ask my parents because as he would say 'I'm not marrying them, I'm marrying you.'
Just remember, even if you guys decide to get married without your parents consent they will eventually accept it. If your parents support and love your other siblings who have messed up, I'm sure they will be by yourside no matter what. It's time to step out of the box and show them you're old enough to make your own decisions. Good luck.
If you can financially support yourselves, that pretty much says you're ready. If you have to live in your parent's basement, you might not be ready for marriage.
Getting married is easier than staying married... :)
I'm curious and I wish to know... Where are you and your hubby gonna stay after you get married? You have your own house?
p.s. take risks. if you win, you'd be happy. if you lose, you'll be wise...
If you want their best wishes, talk to them. It is your life, so you shouldn't have to have them run your life.
this is a tough one.. though you are legally an adult in the eyes of the gov, it may greatly differ with how you are emotionally.. when i was 21, i wasn't dumb or anything but i simply didn't have enough experience to have a type of understanding on what i really wanted in life.. now that i am older, i am much clearer on what i really want.. but ultimately, i suggest giving it some time before you are absolutely certain
but try this in the mean time.. first, ask your parents what they think of your bf and go by their responses.. then casually bring up what they think about your future with him.. typically, the more positively involved the bf is with your parents, the more they'll support your decision for marriage
than again, there may be a chance your parents are the super duper overprotective type.. then you're pretty much screwed on getting approval.. at that point, i'd go to vegas lol
It'll be a slap in the face, but you can't let them dictate your marriage, for crying out loud. This will be your first step toward real independence and maybe when they accept this, they will accept that you're not a baby anymore.
Sit down with your parents with your love by your side and have him ask for your parents blessing to wed. This will show them that you two have talked about this and that you are serious, serious enough to come to them.
Have they opposed your boyf in the past?
It's your life. If you want to marry him, marry him. Ask them first though maybe, see what they say. They can't forbid you to get married, you're an adult.
you really should ask them why they're against it...if they are at all. there are lots of factors, such as...if you do get married now, where are you going to live? what about school, if you want to continue? has he met your parents before, and if he has, why don't they approve? theres lots of questions they have, and unless your parents get some answers, i don't think they will bend to your will that easily. this kinda thing takes a lot of convincing for parents. good luck :P
Your 21 years old, that would make you grown and able to make your own descions. Let your parents know that u guys are wanting to get married and yes they will have there own opinions but that doesnt mean u do what they say. Its your choice and if your grown u should be able to make your own descions. Goodluck!
Am I missing something here? It almost seems like everyone's acting as though if you get engaged, you're going to get married really soon afterwards, but it doesn't have to be that way.
true, you're 21, and that's definitely adult-status but even still, it's pretty young. There's nothing wrong with getting engaged while planning to marry in, say, 5 years or something.
one of my friends is 21 too, has been dating her first boyfriend for over SEVEN years, and they talk about marriage and kids all the time, but both realistically agree that they want to do grad school and stuff, and arent going to get married for at least 5 or 6 years.. but just because they're not engaged or married does not mean that they spend any less time together. they're essentially doing the married life thing, without the title, house, and kids.
on another note, even though you are an adult, that's no reason to disrepect your parents. my parents can be controlling as hell, and at times, i hate it. but at the end of the day, if u see it from there perspective, they're probably just doing what they think is the best for you. of course you may have your own idea of what is best for you, and given the generational and maybe tradition/cultural gaps, it might occur A LOT. but they're still your parents. and i'm pretty sure they didnt raise you all these years (with all the effort and everything included) only to have you slap them in the face, and diresgard everything.
there is a HUGE difference between disagreeing respectfully, and disregarding them carelessly.
be honest and open with them, give them time to adjust, if you disagree, take a break for a bit, then later talk about it some more, have your families meet, etc etc. and see where things go from there.
good luck! =)
I agree with @EternalSnow871@xanga. You don't have to like what your parents think or do or say, but I think that, as a daughter to them, you need to respect them. And as you said so yourself, nothing's going to change you and your bf's decision to marry...so if that is true, then, you can start small by moving in with him, and building on from there. There really is no need to rush.
Don't ask for their permission, ask for their support! You are old enough to make your own decisions and while personally I think 21 is a but young to get married (you've got your whole life to do it!) I'm not going to tell you not to get engaged. You could also plan a long engagement, which may alleviate some of their concerns.
I understand with you wanting the whole thing with daddy's permission and everything. I want my boyfriend to speak with my parents first too. But if there was a situation where they would be hesitant with it; it's not that I'm looking for their approval/blessing, although it would be nice. It's simply that I want him to go through the motion. I know what I want; and if you know what you want to, and are able to support it, then definitely go through with it.
Well I understand if you want to make your own decisions but are you settle in other areas of your life? Like college, career, saving money for the wedding/future home, etc. Marriage is a big step and the outcome will affect you for life. 3 years is a long time considering nowadays but will 5 years be too long to wait to get married? Maybe at 21, your parents are really concerned about your future. But maybe at 23 or 25, they'll be less concerned. Do you two even have the money to get married? Or are you looking to go to a wedding court with a few close friends and that's it?
Think about the future and what you want in it.
Think of the money involved in a wedding, future apt/house to live together, etc.
Think about the decrease in social life after marriage. Not lack of...decrease.