Thursday, 23 July 2009
-
Should I Wait for the Spark?
I have been with my boyfriend Steve for half a year now but we have a long distance relationship and only see each other once a week. We chat daily though. Recently I asked him what are his feelings for me, and he says he is not in love. I was devastated. We both are not sure what to do now, and he said he is not sure if love will still come or not. He hasn't had any relationships before although he is 27 and says he has only been once in love and that took him a year to get to that point. So he has no clue if the spark could still develop with time.
He wondered if we should break up because he can't give me what I want right now and he said it might be unfair on me but the bigger part of him wants to give it more time.
I feel constantly fearful now that he might end it eventually and don't feel too secure with him anymore. What shall I do? Is it a mistake to wait around for longer and wait for the spark or should I give it more time? Please help.
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: anonymish
- About Me: This post was submitted by a Datingish reader who wanted to remain anonymous. You can submit your own anonymous post at www.datingish.com/submit-post - just make sure you let us know you wouldn't like to have your username displayed!
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 227 Views: 0 543096 Comments: 0 13046 View all posts by anonymish
Comments (25)
If there's no spark, what made you guys start at the first place? Somemore, You have no idea what's going on on his part since it's LDR. He might met someone or maybe not. Only you can tell the difference. If he told you he's not in love, I think it's better to let go. The sign is there. You just need to acknowledge, learn it and let go. Sad but true.
With 6 months and no "spark" I'd say to let it go. It seems like he's searching for an easy way to let you down because, really, you can't not know if feelings are there. If he doesn't know, then there aren't any feelings.
If there's no spark, it's better to just end things. :\
sounds kind of weird to me .. he's 27? and i agree, why date if there's no spark in the first place?
6 months may feel like a long time right now, but imagine it goes on for a year or so and still nothing? it'd hurt a lot worse, for you, i would think - i would just end it. like i always felt a bit of "spark" even long before me and my bf actually got together, so it shouldn't even matter if you're dating to feel it.
without the spark, i think that might mean you two are just umm friends... ;)
I think there's a difference between a spark and love. There had to have been some kind of spark to get things started, right?! Love takes time. A spark to me is more lusty, and love is well... love. I didn't "love" my boyfriend until many months into it... it depends on how you two view those words.
But since its LDR and he "doesn't know"... that doesn't seem like a good sign, either way... :(
Are you in love with him though? I'm not sure from what you've written. I fell in love with my boyfriend on our second date, which was the sixth time I saw/spent time with him. If you were okay with him not loving you, and not being in love with him, then that would be okay. I have had that type of relationship before and there has been chemistry, just no feelings of being in love. I loved him, as a person. If you're looking for love, then I don't think he's what you're looking for. It's hard to give up on something that you've put so much time and effort into, but you should if you want to find something more worthwhile and meaningful.
@whatalmostwas@xanga - I agree; a "spark" gets things started, "love" is completely different. He also said that it took him a year to get to the point of being in love the one time it happened, so it may take more depth and knowledge in the relationship for things to happen.
Personally, it doesn't seem out of the ordinary to me to not be in love after 6 months, but that's just my opinion. I think you REALLY know if it's love or not after a year. The thing that concerns me in your case is the long-distance, which makes it more difficult/take longer for things to develop, and that he "doesn't know if it could develop" - I would imagine he'd at least lean one way, whether it come to fruition or not. I can't tell you whether to keep going or to just end it.. but just keep in mind that 6 months may be too fast for some.
Good luck!
@Anna - Agreed. The LDR part is going to make it just a little more difficult for you guys, and 6 months is definitely too soon for many. Love isn't some fly-by-night emotion. He might view it as something much more serious.
You should end it and move on, there's plenty of other guys out there that will be in love with you. He said he's not in love...that's a big hint. Good luck.
Usually the spark is what gets things going. So after 6 months...sorry. :( I would try to find a guy that isn't long-distance. I'm in a long-distance relationship, and I can say it's not for everyone.
You can't do anything.
Although this situation is my worst nightmare, I can't seem to blame him for not feeling "love" until a year later. What is it with us and instant gratification? How can something as complex as LOVE to pop out of nowhere within months because we will it so? Did you feel it after a few months and expect him to do the same? Is that not projecting your standards onto him?
I can see where you're coming from. My guy told me the last time he was in love was 8 yrs ago... I'm competing with the feeling he had for someone nearly a decade ago and that's a tough call. But I am trying to take it easy; go with the flow, maybe it'll come up soon. You can't break up with him on the premise of him not being in love with you after a half a year. He still likes you alot, right? Doesn't that count for anything??
also, what do you mean by "spark?" that initial glance that gets the ball rolling, sexual tension or that head-over-heels in-love feeling that you miss about someone when you're not with them? clarify what you want him to feel and i suggest you don't ask questions you're not quite sure of the answer. I think women tend to ask questions without being fully prepared for what the answer could be. +_+
Uhm.. not to quote chickflicks at you or anything buttttttt...
"Guys invented the "spark" so that they could not
call, and treat you kind of bad, and keep you guessing, and they
convince you that that anxiety and that fear that they're throwing at
you is actually, just a "spark". And you guys all buy it. You eat it
up. And you love it. You love it because you feed off that drama. You
all love that drama."
On the flipside.. maybe there's no such thing as a spark? Sure, he might want to wait for one.. but why would he date you if there wasn't one? Assuming he went out with you in the first place because of this spark, what he's basically saying, is that it went out and that he's looking for it to re-ignite.
On top of that, he's already hinting or talking about breaking up because of this lack of "spark".. but to me, that sounds more like him coming up with an excuse, a reason more or less, to end things. In addition to this, you said that he wanted to give it more time. More time for what? It's either it's there or it's not.
It takes a long time to develop "love" with another person. Six months is not a long time, at all. It doesn't happen right away, and I'm sure that if you guys are in a relationship at all, especially a long distance one, that there was something there between the two of you that brought you together. I wouldn't be afraid or give up just yet, because it takes a while to "love" someone. You have to be sure you are ready to commit to that person, because once "love" is involved, it gets ugly when things don't work out. Maybe he just wants to be sure, before he tells you something that isn't 100% true. Don't pressure him into it, though. Give it time. Don't just leave him if you guys still have a good relationship.Â
Let go **HUGS**
I'm sure the spark was there when you two met and that's where it got you here today. But love? It takes time. You can't put a time limit on love. Some fall faster than others. Others, well, it takes time for them. I dated my husband for three years before I married him. I didn't love him until a year or even more into our relationship. I think even if he hasn't develop that "love" for you, you two should wait and see how your relationship progress. Love cannot be rush.And just because you may or probably love him, it don't mean he has to feel the same way as you right now.
give it some more time. if you let it go, you'll be left wondering what if? what could be? what should be. and etc.
Give it time. Some love comes slow, some others come fast. It just depends. Give it time, it's only been 6 months, not 6 years. Hope all goes well. =)
It's already been six months and the spark should've happened anytime between those 6 months... but it didn't. I say let it go and go find another guy. There's def. gonna be no sparks anymore.
if he says theres no spark, u should let him go. its not goign to work. if its meant to be, he'll realize it and come back to you. and if you're both ready at that time, try again. but i thin ur just wasting ur time with him right now. why should you wait around for his love? you DESERVE to be loved right NOW...you've been giving that love to him, and hes selfish for taking and not reciprocating!
Don't rush him, give him time like everyone up there^ is saying!
And besides, I really hate the term "spark".
Definitely harder to fall in love when you're LDR. You obviously care about him very much so just hope that he will be loving to you. And if he's not, at least you stuck around long enough to try it out.
@bblove - Way true. And that quote is my favorite. From "He's Just Not That Into You"
And really OP (Original Poster) He's just not that into you...
love happens when you least expect it.