Wednesday, 22 July 2009
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My Boyfriend Constantly Wants to Get Friendly
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. When we first got together, he was a virgin but I was not. So things happened, and now he is always bugging me about having sex. I'd say we've been doing it for 1 year and a few months now, and he asks me every single day.
Sometimes he wakes me up in the middle of the night because he wants to. Sometimes I've been woken up to him feeling up on me while I was asleep. This makes me feel terrible, because I've been sexually assaulted before, and it brings back memories.
I've tried to talk to him about it before, but all he says is, "I promise I will stop, I love you and don't want to hurt you BLAH BLAH BLAH" I've cried about it numerous times, and he promises me he will stop because he doesn't want to hurt me. He does stop for a while, but after a month or so he just goes back to the same old thing. I just can't stand it anymore, and I don't know what to do. I've cried, yelled, suggested a break, but nothing works. Please help!HELP!
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About the Author
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- From: ohhh_tainted_love@xanga
- About Me: Bonjour cheri! Je m'appelle Lacey, et Je vis la vie fou.
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Comments (98)
If you have done all that, and he's not changed, why are you still with him?
If a guy can't respect you, then he's not worth your time..
Well if he won't stop then maybe its time to break up? I mean if it really bugs you that much and even after talking to him he won't stop then maybe he's not the guy you should be dating. Maybe after that he might change if you still want to continue dating him. Otherwise he's just not worth it unless you're truly in love with him.
With just the title, I was going to come in here and ask what the problem was...
BUT.. yeah, I can see how that's an issue. Have you ever talked to anyone though about what's happened to you before? Like someone who could help you work through it?
I would say the answer would be 1 of two things. See if he'll go to some sort of counseling WITH you so that he can try to truly understand how deeply the hurt is from a sexual assault. And the other option, if he won't go or if going doesn't help, then break up with him, because he doesn't respect you or love you if he doesn't change.
If he doesn't understand why it hurts you so much, you shouldn't waste your time explaining it again and again. Just because you were his first, doesn't mean you have to be his last. Get out while you can.
So, he knows that it really bothers you, he knows that when he behaves that way it hurts you, and he continues to do it anyway? What is he, a hormonal little boy? It doesn't sound like he respects you all that much. He's not treating you very well. If I were you I'd suggest more than a mere break.
You can't change the guy, no matter how much you want to. Tell him you'll see him again when he's over this overtly horny phase, as it's hurting you. And he doesn't want to do *that*, right? So either he gets over it or you get over him, whichever comes first.
@StarlitGoodbyes@xanga - Darn! I was just gonna say the same thing x) Took the words right out of my mouth =)
u need to let him know that he needs to respect you. u're almost to being physically emotionally and sexually abused...
He needs to respect you and needs to stop when u say "no." If you've talked to him, cried, yelled at him, wanted to break up with him and he still doesn't stop and give u your space, then he's not worth it. He should respect you if he truly "loves you" like he says he does. Perhaps if you tell him about why his sexual intentions make you so uncomfortable (about your sexual assault), then he can stop; that is if he really cares about and loves you. If he goes back to his old ways and ignore your feelings, then tell him again that if he doesn't stop that you'll need to break it off with him and don't make it a false threat. Say it like you mean it and follow through with it b/c he's not listening to your feelings. Either you gain a sense of respect from him or let him go.
Wait, wait, wait a second, EVERYONE.
The post is written as if it's the GUY's problem. True, the guy has the "problem" of wanting to have sex, a LOT. I did it too when I lost it.
HOWEVER
There's a totally second problem here, which is the assault history. How have you treated it? Have you done any therapy? How much? When? How did it work, or did it? Have you felt this way with past boyfriends? A thousand questions need to be asked. Here are some more:
Does he know about the assault factually or just "that it happened"? Does he work out a way of approaching you rather than his usual, or do you just say, "Don't ask me for it"? How do you two relate, regarding your assault history? How much does he know? How much do you want to tell? How does this affect your intimacy besides you feeling attacked by his desire? Why are you making this, in this post, HIS problem?
See? I want answers to some of those, or I want you to have them, before I'll side with the very shallow comments made above about "he needs to respect you."
DO YOUR PART.
If you've tried talking to him about it and he's still not listening then I think the only option is to move on. You have to put yourself first or this could effect your mental well being.
If you are not comfortable in the sexual aspect of the relationship then something needs to change. You need to set your foot down and simply say, either you stop or I'm gone.
I'm sorry this has happened :( I really hope you can work it out for the best
sometimes desires are held higher than other things
Well since you've already tried telling him to stop and it keeps happening. DUMP HIM. It's not liek you haven't given him chances. Clearly he's all talk, bc he tells you he'll stop but the horndog in him wants more. I mean on the bright side, you must be doing a good job bc he wants more! haha. But really, unless you're not helping the situation yourself by wearing any type of revealing clothing always around him, you need to break up with him bc he may not really love you for you anymore, but more bc of the sex. Don't hurt yourself just to make him happy.
He's not getting the message. Do you think he ever will? Or if there's anything new you could possibly do to help it?
OH and in response to xpialadocious@xanga telling you to "do your part" i agree, that if you haven't yet, u should be open about that topic with him.
HOWEVER what would it matter if you were assaulted or not? He should still respect what you want. Telling him about your past might change things, which is good. But I'd still shake my head, bc you had to tell him THAT just to get him off of you (literally). How stupid would it be if my boyfriend said " I would stop being horny when you tell me cuz I don't wanna hurt you but it's not like you were raped or something" Fucking stupid.
yeah i don't think he's getting the message. if you already feel uncomfortable when he wants to initiate intimacy, i think its time you let this guy go. comfort level is a huge deal for me, so when someone doesn't respect my needs and wants, theres no way a relationship can continue. if you think you can work things out with him, theres no harm in trying, but it seems like you've already had your fair share of talks with him so...good luck. if he still continues, maybe try sleeping separately till you two can work something out.
@isH_juStinE_x3@xanga - Agreed.
You definitely should let him know that he's bringing back bad memories for you, and how deeply you were affected by what happened to you. At the same time...he feels you up while you're sleeping? He wakes you up in the middle of the night? Sounds to me like he's putting his hormones ahead of your needs, which is not okay, especially if you have told him multiple times that this really bothers you. If he can't control himself and treat you better, it's time to get out.
Either he doesn't understand that breaks for a month at a time isn't sufficient for you. Make it extremely clear what you mean when you tell him to stop, and if he still doesn't get it, he doesn't respect you enough to be your boyfriend. You can break up with him now, or give it one more go, but so far, it doesn't sound like he's serious about keeping you happy. There's even a possibility that he'll cheat, if he can't get sexual gratification out of you. Good luck! I hope it works out for you!
you need to take a break from him- or break up permanantly (or however you spell that). Seriously- if it's bothering you so much, and he still doesn't respect you and NOT do it- break up.
One question, why are you still with him? I know others have asked the same. If he doesn't respect you then there is no relationship.
why are you letting him get away with it time and time again? The first time you approached this problem of him bugging you about sex, HOW did you tell him about it? Did you sit him down, explain things from the start to finish (the assault and onwards) because You want him to actually act like a MAN about facing his responsibilities of treating you as a girlfriend that's LOVED or a boy who just wants to get laid when he's bored?
Tell him, he has hands to use it if he's bored.And I think you guys should take a break. He's treating you like a sex toy, not a gf,. He clearly doesn't give a damn that it bothers you and even if he does, he's being too selfish to take note that it's not something you're agreeing with. His behavior is sexual assault. No means No.
Well I'm glad you've told him how you feel. That is good, but if he can't respect your wishes for longer than a month, then why are you still with him? He needs to face consequences (even if they are or seem miniscule and petty) and breaking up with him because he doesn't respect your boundaries may be a wake up call for him. But either way you're not comfortable with his feeling you up in the middle of the night, you've told him this, and he hasn't respected your boundaries for longer than a month at a time at best. He needs to respect this boundary at all times until you say otherwise, not just at first and then proceed to happily forget about said boundary, otherwise it's toodles for him. He respects your boundaries or he doesn't have you at all.
Like totally break up with him, so he knows you're super serious.